JC's Hitchhiker

 

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CHAPTER 101

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JACK'S POV: 

Kevin ordered, and we all just kind of sat there in an awkward silence for a minute. Josh had a hand on my leg, and I had one of mine resting on top of it. Kevin appeared to have showered as well, his hair looking a lot less stringy. I reflected that the times I had seen Kevin on television he had seemed to almost go out of his way to look a little grungy, and I wasn't sure why. He seemed attractive enough, his green eyes warm and dark, and his casual clothes seemed to cover a nice body. If the two of us weren't married, one of us to a woman, I might have actually been interested, at least on a purely physical level. On a mental one, I was still unsettled a little. Neither Josh nor I could seem to think of anything to say. We didn't know enough about him to ask about his wife, so where did that leave us? Asking about his friends? We already knew quite enough about them, at least about two of them. 

"So, I see you gave your bodyguard the slip," he said, smiling. 

"I don't see yours anywhere, " I said, looking around. 

"You know how it is," Kevin said, shrugging, and Josh nodded. "Sometimes you just need a night out, and really, how much trouble can I get into by myself in a hotel?" 

"We were thinking the same thing," Josh said, smiling back at Kevin. 

"Wait a minute," I said, blinking. "Weren't your eyes brown this afternoon?" 

"Yeah," Kevin said, laughing loudly. Josh looked surprised, and then realized I was right. "I wear contacts sometimes. Your husband has pretty sharp eyes there, JC." 

Before any of us could say anything else, the waitress returned with my soup and salads for the two of them, and the three of us thanked her quietly, watching more people drift into the bar. The restaurant half was almost empty, and fairly quiet, the only other tables being occupied by an elderly couple and a family of five or six, all of the kids apparently under the age of ten. Kevin was looking wistfully at them, and sighed. When I looked at Josh I saw him watching the kids, too, but not with quite the same expression. Kevin caught it, too. 

"Do you want kids, JC? Jack?" he asked, cutting his salad. We both looked at him, and then at each other. "I'm sorry. I don't know you guys well enough to ask that. I was just, you know, I don't really know a lot about your way of life. I know that Kristen and I want kids someday, and I talked to Howie about it a little, but he and Lance hadn't really planned that far ahead." 

"Jack and I don't really want kids, at least not anytime soon," Josh answered finally, after a long pause. "Maybe someday, but not now. I like kids, and Jack used to work at a high school, but it's just not something either of us is ready for right now. It's just not the right point in our lives." 

"We're not speaking for all gay people everywhere, though," I added quickly, breaking some crackers up into my soup. "Some people are very happy getting married and having kids, because they think that's normal. If Josh and I decide to get one, we both want it to be for the right reasons, because we want to love and nurture a child, not because we think we're supposed to like live out this hetero family fantasy or something." 

Josh squeezed my leg, and I realized I was starting to climb up onto my soapbox. I nodded at him as he returned his hand to the table, and smiled at Kevin. 

"I'm sorry," I said. "This is kind of heavy for dinner. We should talk about something else." 

It was a great idea, too, except that none of us had anything to say for a second, dropping into that awkward silence again. I was starting to wonder if we should have gone with our first instinct, and not invited Kevin to sit down. We couldn't be giving him a very good impression of us between the odd looks and the silent pauses. He seemed to sense it, too, and looked up at us both, his eyes ticking from side to side. 

"OK, someone needs to say it, " Kevin began, and both of us waited. "I know that you guys had some trouble with some of our guys. Nick and Justin had a falling out, and Lance and Howie, at least according to Howie and Nick, are broken up for good. I don't know what happened when they came out to stay with you, and neither of them are talking about it. Howie's depressed, and hanging out with Nick all the time, and you guys know how Nick is if you spent more than five minutes with him, so I haven't really asked." 

"Kevin, what happened isn't really, you know, our place to say," Josh began, taking my hand. 

"I know," Kevin said, raising his hands. "And I'm not asking you to tell me, because it's probably not my place to hear. I'm just saying that I know something went down, and it was probably bad, but it doesn't involve the three of us, at least not directly." 

"We're pretty involved, actually," I said sharply, and saw him flinch a little as Josh squeezed my hand. "Sorry, Kevin. You're right." 

"I guess I'm just trying to say that I've always found JC to be a pretty nice guy, and Jack, you seem like a perfect match for him, so you're probably pretty cool, too," he said. "We're all stuck here in Detroit for the night, and since I ran into you here in the restaurant I thought it might be fun to hang out and get to know you a little better." 

"I think that's a great idea, " Josh said, shrugging. "I'm sorry things have been a little tense so far, but, you know." 

"We don't want to judge you based on your bandmates," I added quickly. "So I guess we're sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, after we were the ones who invited you to sit down." 

"Well, I'm not a surly asshole like Nick, and I'm not Howie, either," Kevin said, diplomatically avoiding describing Howie. How much did he know? "So I'm glad you're not holding me up to either of those two. I'm just me, Kevin Richardson." 

The three of us smiled, and you could feel some of the tension draining away. 

"So, tell us about Kevin Richardson," I said, picking up my soupspoon again. "How exactly did you happen to get involved with, um, that other boyband?" 

"I'll let that crack slide, since your loyalties clearly lie with Nsync," Kevin said, laughing. "But I'm only talking if you do, too." 

We all started talking at once. Josh and Kevin didn't really know each other that well, so they were trading band stories about touring and concerts and rabid fans, and then Kevin wanted to know more about me. I told a fairly glossed over story of my background, something I had learned how to do over the years since I left home, and Josh squeezed my hand to let me know it was ok. I wasn't a big one for opening up completely, at least not with strangers. Even the guys didn't know a lot of the really painful stuff about me, but Josh knew it all. Kevin listened attentively, and added stories of his own as we went along. By the time dessert rolled around, average cheesecake with strawberry topping, the three of us were as chummy as old friends. 

"So, seriously, has it been hard for you guys?" Kevin asked. "I mean, with the coming out and all?" 

"Yes!" we both said together. I smiled at Josh, and let him continue. "I mean, I knew I wanted to, and the rest of the guys backed me on it, but at the same time I was so scared inside. I knew that I was going to bring Jack to that show, and that it would change everything, but I didn't know what people would do, or what they'd say." 

"I didn't know you were scared," I said, turning to him as he held my hand. "You didn't look scared." 

"Well, you were so nervous that I figured I needed to keep it together for both of us," Josh said, pulling me against him with an arm around my shoulders. He smiled at Kevin. "It was actually kind of a change, because up until then Jack was always so poised and collected, and when we got out of that limo I thought he was going to fall over." 

"It wasn't that bad," I protested, laughing. "Seriously, though, it was a big change for me. I was really comfortable in this little kind of anonymous bubble, and then BOOM! I was JC's boyfriend." 

"Kristen was pestered for a while, too," Kevin said, nodding. "It wasn't as bad as you guys, though. I mean, I saw you guys everywhere. That was probably, you know, because you're guys. It was good that, you know, all of your guys backed you on it." 

There was a pause for a second, and I decided I really did want to ask, even if it did squash the last hour or so of good feelings. 

"Kevin, what happened with you guys?" I asked, hoping this wouldn't upset Kevin. Next to me, Josh waited as well. "I mean, Howie told us that he came to you, before you guys were big, and that you all decided it was better if he stayed in the closet. I know it's none of my business, but you seem like a really nice guy, and you're pretty ok with us. What happened?" 

Kevin sighed. 

"Honestly?" he asked. "I think we made a mistake. Not career wise, of course. There weren't any other boybands when we were starting out. We were getting a lot of crap about not being musicians, and just being five pretty faces, and a lot of people were saying we were gay already. We wanted to make it on the music, and we decided that if Howie was out, too many people would focus on that. I think the mistake we made was never changing our minds. We always seemed to have these really good reasons why Howie still couldn't come out, and why it just wasn't the right time, and then all of a sudden there was JC with a boyfriend, and we missed the chance." 

"You could still do it," Josh said. "If Howie still wants to, you guys could still support him on this." 

"I know, but I think it might be too late," Kevin said. We both looked at him, noticing the serious look that crossed his face. "When you came out, and people seemed kind of ok with it, Howie started to get upset. We tried to talk through it, and work it out with him, and we thought him and Lance were a great couple, but he just seemed to get angry. Now, I don't know what's going on. Nick still wants Howie to stay in the closet, so it doesn't rub off on the rest of us, and Howie's following Nick around like a lapdog. They're probably sleeping together, and I know Howie's doing all the rest of that shit Nick does." 

Both of us had the same expressions of open-mouthed surprise. Kevin looked up at us with his huge eyebrows raised. 

"You guys know Nick's bi?" he asked, and we nodded. If he was asking, maybe he didn't know Justin was, too. "I don't know what happened when they came out to visit you, but I know that both of them are a mess." 

"Both of them?" I asked, surprised. "Even Nick?" 

"Yeah," Kevin answered, nodding. "I asked once why he wasn't calling Justin anymore, and he looked, I don't even know how to describe it. I mean, you guys hung out with him, and you know how he is. I love Nick, like a little brother, but I don't really like him all that much. Nick's not right, and he never has been, but he doesn't let anyone help him, and we've all kind of given up on trying. When he told me that he and Justin aren't friends anymore, he actually looked like he felt bad about it." 

I felt Josh squeeze my hand, and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. Could Nick actually feel guilty about what he did to Justin? Did he regret it? And what about Howie? Did Howie actually resent Josh and I, the whole time that he was our friend? Was he jealous? We knew he kind of wanted what we had, but Lance didn't want to be out, and Howie's guys didn't want him out, either. Was that part of what had driven Howie? We knew he had been angry about Lance and Justin, but had he also been angry at Lance because of us? Kevin must have caught the look on my face, and the mirror on Josh's, because he smiled suddenly. 

"Hey, this is a little too serious," he said, leaning back. "I was the one who said we'd keep our friends out of it, and here I am babbling on. Look, here comes our waitress." 

"Can I get you boys anything else?" the waitress asked, topping off my coffee again. Kevin and Josh were both having tea, worrying about their throats like good musicians should. The two of them were so similar, but Kevin had this maturity about him. Not that Josh was immature, but Kevin had definitely been through a little more than Josh had, and it showed. 

"I think we're good," Josh said, glancing at me. I nodded, and he smiled. He meant it for the waitress, but also for the three of us as friends. "Kevin?" 

"I'm ok, too," Kevin answered, stirring his tea. We heard a lot of loud cheering coming from the bar area, and Kevin turned back to the waitress. It was the third round of cheering we'd listened to in about fifteen minutes. "What exactly is that going on over there?" 

"Karaoke," the waitress answered, shrugging. "Starts every night, and people just love it for some reason. We got a whole room of guys from Japan who are just eating it up." 

"They sound like they're having a lot of fun," Josh said, smiling. 

"Maybe you guys should check it out," the waitress said, tallying our check on her pad and then tearing it off. As she dropped it on the table she smiled at Josh and Kevin. "They always have a lot of fun, but they don't usually have professionals over there." 

I snickered behind my hand as the two of them blinked in surprise. They'd thought they were so casual, and figured that just because the waitress hadn't said anything at the beginning of the meal then she must not have recognized them. She caught my snicker and nodded at me, and I realized that she knew who I was, too. It was an odd feeling. 

"Professionals?" Kevin asked, trying to play it off. 

"Us?" Josh continued. It was futile. They were busted, and we all knew it. 

"Look, I'm sure you guys get bothered by people all the time, so I didn't want to say anything," she said, crossing her arms. We were far enough from the other tables to be out of hearing range of anyone else. "But, you know, my daughter loves both of your bands. Even if I hadn't seen you both of TV a thousand times, we have magazines back in our break room with your wedding pictures. Congratulations, by the way." 

"Thanks," I said, squeezing Josh's hand. 

"We appreciate you giving us a nice, quiet dinner," Kevin said. "It's nice sometimes to pretend that we're kind of like normal people, and that we can go out and do stuff like this. Is there anything we could do for you, as a thank you?" 

"You said your daughter's a fan," Josh said, nodding. The waitress smiled at us, but really I thought that she would have been ok without an offer of anything. "Maybe could we sign something for her?" 

"I don't want to bother you guys," she said. "I mean, I don't want to be any trouble." 

"Here, give me your pad," Kevin said, taking it from her. "We'll each write her a little note, ok? What's her name?" 

"Brenda," she answered, blushing a little. "Thank you so much." 

"It's no problem," Josh said, gesturing at the empty chair. "This is going to take a minute. Why don't you sit down for a second, take a little break, and tell us about Brenda?" 

"Are you sure?" she asked, but I watched her slowly crumbling beneath Josh's southern boy charm. She might have been able to play it off while she waited on us, but the minute Josh rolled his blue eyes toward her, she was suddenly a giddy schoolgirl again. I'd seen it happen a thousand times. 

"You have no other tables," Josh said, gesturing around at the empty restaurant as Kevin continued writing out a paragraph on the order pad. "Have a seat, please. Chat with us for a second." 

"Well, ok," she said, sitting down. 

One of the things I loved the most about Josh was that despite all the money, and the fame, and everything else, he was still a genuinely nice, friendly, down to earth guy inside. He said that I brought that out in him, and helped ground him in reality, but really, he didn't need me for that. He chatted away for a minute or two, asking Alice, the waitress, about her husband, her daughter, and a bunch of other mundane little things. Even more surprising to me, though, was that Kevin did the same thing. When he finished writing, he flipped the page and passed the pad to Josh, and then he began talking to Alice while Josh wrote a little note, too. I was pleased to see that Kevin was as nice to others as he had been to us, and it was making me feel a little more trusting of him. Maybe he really was ok. I normally would have just gone with my gut, but I was trusting it a lot less lately. 

"There," Josh said, sliding the pad toward Alice. 

"Wait, please," she said, her hand on the pad. "Jack, could you write her a note, too?" 

"Me?" I asked, stunned. 

"Brenda has followed the stories about you guys since they broke," she said, shrugging. "She thinks it's sweet, and I know she'd be excited to hear from you, too. If you don't mind." 

"Um, no, I guess," I said, not sure of what to even write. "I don't mind at all." 

"I'll be right back," she said, standing. "I need to go get stuff to start doing the tables." 

While Josh and Kevin argued about who was going to pay, I wrote a quick note to Brenda. I wasn't really sure what to say, so I just thanked her for supporting Josh and I, told her she had a wonderful mother, and wished her good luck with her future plans. When I looked up, Josh and Kevin were still bickering, but it was a friendly, easy going banter. 

"Hey, can we stop, please?" I asked, snapping my fingers in front of them. "This is annoying, you guys." 

"Sorry, babe," Josh said. Kevin nodded. The two of them slid a couple of large bills under the check, folded it around them, and then waved Alice back over. "Thank you so much for everything." 

"Yeah, dinner was great," Kevin added, nodding. 

"I meant what I said, you know," she said, taking the check. When she unfolded it, her eyes bulged, but she quickly tucked it back into the pocket of her uniform. "Take a night off. At least go over there and check it out." 

"Maybe," Josh said, shrugging. 

"Either way, thanks for everything, and have a good night," she said, smiling and going back to removing the ketchup bottles from the tables. 

The three of us stood, and Kevin and Josh stared uncertainly toward the archway leading to the bar area. I smiled, and slid an arm through each of theirs. 

"Come on, guys," I said, tugging them toward the bar. "It might be fun." 

The bar was filled with about forty or so people, mostly Japanese, like Alice had said. Mixed in were a few groups of guys who could only be traveling businessmen, and a small group of younger frat boy types. They were probably the best shot at us getting recognized, so I carefully steered Josh and Kevin away to the other side of the room, not quite across from them where they might look up and see us, but kind of on the diagonal. Honestly, they were so busy cheering each other on, they probably wouldn't see us, but there was no point in trying to keep things quiet if we weren't willing to take minor precautions. Everyone looked to be having a great time, boisterous and drinking, so we were more or less unnoticed as we took a table at the back. 

The waitress brought Josh a beer, and me a screwdriver, while Kevin went all out and asked for something large with pieces of fruit and umbrellas and God knew what else in it. 

"What the hell are you drinking?" I asked, staring at it, half expecting to see a goldfish swimming around the enormous bowl. 

"Sorry," Kevin said, laughing, as he pushed a skewered pineapple out of the way so he could get to the straw. "I don't go out to clubs a lot, so I figured I might as well order something fun." 

"Or at least something huge, " Josh said, sucking slowly at his bottle. He drank all of his beer slowly, as he wasn't a big fan of alcohol. He'd make one or two last most of the night, and still be pretty buzzed. My husband, the lightweight. 

"So, are you two planning to sing anything?" I asked, clapping loudly along with everyone else as we watched some poor girl stutter nervously through "I Will Survive". I wondered why every single time I saw Karaoke it was always the same ten songs over and over. Any second now some duo would get up and sing that Meatloaf song that was like twenty minutes long. 

"I think I'll pass tonight," Josh said, laughing. "We're on vacation, remember? I'll save my singing for the shower, with you." 

Josh leaned over and kissed me on the cheek when he said that, and I blushed. 

"That's so sweet," Kevin teased, sipping his monstrosity. 

"Only because you don't have to listen to it," I teased. "Nothing colors your day like listening to Josh singing Motown in the shower." 

"You never complained before!" Josh said, pouting over his beer. 

"And I'm not complaining now, either," I said, leaning over. I kissed his cheek, and he frowned, pulling away a little. I kissed it again, and then a third time, and finally he turned his head toward me, and I quickly pecked him on the lips, forgiven. "What about you, Kevin? Gonna belt out any hits for us?" 

"I'm thinking not," Kevin answered, laughing along with us. He gestured at the stage, where one of the Japanese guys was painfully working his way through "My Girl", cheered on by his friends. "I'm not sure I could compete with this kind of talent." 

We all laughed, and for the next couple of songs we just sat back, relaxed, and cheered along with everyone else. The waitress brought me another screwdriver, and I leaned back against Josh, feeling his warm, strong arm around my shoulders. We started chatting again, offering commentary on the songs and the singers. Kevin asked about the upcoming tour, and Josh told him a little about the number of shows and where they'd be going. It was hard to say more, since they hadn't really gone into rehearsals, but I knew they had the basic framework of the show laid out. Josh was also keeping things a little vague because, after all, Kevin was the competition, and this summer they'd be touring against each other again. Last time that had happened they'd come out ahead of the Backstreet tour, and they'd even played less shows, but it never hurt to be careful. 

"So, Jack, what about you?" Kevin asked. "You planning to hop up on the stage?" 

"On the tour?" I asked. "I'm not part of the group." 

"No, no, I meant in here," Kevin answered, laughing along with Josh at my minor lapse in common sense. "Why don't you get up and belt one out for us?" 

"One singer in the family is quite enough, thanks," I said, laughing, as Josh leaned over and kissed my forehead. 

"Besides, that's not Jack's style," Josh said. "He's not like that." 

"Not like what?" I asked, curious. 

"You know," Josh said. "You just don't like being in front of people. There's nothing wrong with that, babe." 

"Yeah, lots of people are shy," Kevin added. 

"I'm not shy," I protested. "I'm just, you know, I don't like that." 

"And there's nothing wrong with being that way," Josh said. "It's ok to be a little shy, Jack. I think it's cute." 

"Me, too," Kevin said, smiling at us. "You guys are so funny together." 

"Um, thanks," I said, wondering if it was a compliment. I was still a little annoyed at Josh saying that I was shy, and that I was afraid to get up in front of people. I'd done some public speaking, and I'd even been down the red carpet at an awards show. I might not like it, but I could get up in front of people when I had to. "Hey, babe, I have to go pee. I'll be right back." 

"You want me to go with you?" Josh asked, starting to stand. He looked concerned. 

"No, I'll be fine," I said, patting him on the shoulder. "I promise not to sneak out back to get a cigarette." 

"OK," he said, sliding back into his chair. I could tell that he was still unsettled, and normally I wouldn't go anywhere by myself, but I wasn't even planning to leave the room. I gave him a quick kiss on the forehead and started to walk away. 

"What was that all about?" Kevin asked behind me. 

"It's a long story," Josh began explaining. I could barely hear him. "I'll give you the short version." 

I chuckled and circled around the bar, sneaking over to the DJ booth. Someone was just starting a bad rendition of that Garth Brooks song about friends in low places, so I had a little time to motion the MC over. Since he worked in the music industry, however tangentially, he recognized me after a few seconds, and was more than willing to help me pick out a song suited to my rather limited vocal talents. I flipped through the catalog quickly, and spotted one I knew the words to. Glancing out at the floor, I could see that Josh and Kevin were completely engrossed in their discussion, Josh looking pained and Kevin looking concerned. Neither noticed as I climbed the stairs, but both of their heads jerked up about halfway through the MC's introduction. 

"Our next performer calls himself 'half of J Squared', and claims to have no musical talent whatsoever. Please, put your hands together for Jack, who's doing this because his husband said he wouldn't." 

"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl," I began, walking across the stage and grinning widely at the identical open-mouthed expressions of shocked surprise on both their faces. "With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there!" 

I had thrown in a little dancing with it, trying not to laugh too hard. The audience was screaming and clapping like they had for everyone else, and Josh and Kevin jumped up out of their seats and ran up to the edge of the stage as I hammed my way badly through my performance. 

"Go Jack!" Josh screamed, laughing and clapping his hands as I sang about Rico, who wore a diamond. 

Next to him Kevin had found a lighter, and was holding it above his head, and I glanced back at the screen, almost forgetting the words because I was trying so hard not to laugh at them. I wasn't the best singer, but I was throwing plenty of effort into it, and the audience loved it. They began to clap even louder when Josh climbed up onto the stage, dancing with me as I told everyone about music, fashion, and passion at the Copa Cabana. When I finally finished Josh threw his arms around me and spun me in a circle, both of us laughing so hard there were tears in our eyes, and Kevin cheered wildly from the floor. 

"Give it up for J Squared!" the MC yelled, and the room burst into louder cheering again as Josh and I stepped down carefully from the stage. 

"Thank you, thank you," I yelled over my shoulder as the three of us began walking out of the room, arms linked as they had been when we came in, still grinning. 

"I love you so much," Josh boomed, squeezing me against him in a one armed hug as he kissed my cheek. "That was so amazing." 

"You were great!" Kevin said, smacking me on the back. Thank God I was leaning on Josh, because he was kind of a strong guy, and I probably would have fallen down. 

"I wish we had that on tape, " Josh said, kissing me again. "No one's ever going to believe you did that." 

"And you're never getting a repeat," I said, kissing him back. We all laughed. 

Kevin was on a different floor from ours, so we bid him a good night as he left the elevator, figuring we would probably see him at the airport in the morning. Josh turned to me and kissed me, again, on the mouth, and I could feel as he pressed against me just how excited he was. I rested my hands on his chest, caressing it through his t-shirt, and he pulled off of my mouth with a little wet sucking sound as the elevator doors dinged open. Andrew stood in the hallway, arms crossed, glaring at us. 

"We need to talk," he barked. "Right now." 

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CHAPTER 102

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JACK'S POV: 

Josh and I were snickering as we followed Andrew down the hall to our room, holding hands with our fingers intertwined. Andrew was obviously really pissed at us as he stalked down the hallway in jeans and a t-shirt, mercifully not wearing his holster. I knew that we needed to be serious, and just take our lecture, but we were still giddy from my stage show, and this just felt too much like getting yelled at by mom and dad for sneaking in after curfew. The fact that such a thing had never happened to me made no real difference. The feeling was still the same, and Josh snickered as he nuzzled at my neck. 

"This isn't funny," Andrew snapped, and I smothered another chortle as I pulled out my key card. I swiped us in, and Andrew slammed the door closed behind us, startling us both. "What the hell were you two thinking?" 

The fury evident in his voice surprised us both, and I took a step back, letting go of Josh's hand, as I noted that Andrew's hands were tightly clenched into fists. His face was red, and his long hair, out of the ponytail, was partly hanging in his eyes. He was looking back and forth between the two of us as if decided which one of us to beat first, and I felt my heart fluttering a little. I felt threatened, panic clawing at my chest a little, and I grabbed Josh again, taking hold of his upper arm. 

"Andrew, calm down," Josh began, leaning into me a little so that I could rest against him. His eyes flicked down toward mine, and I knew he could tell I was getting jumpy. We'd had such a quiet night, and it would really suck to end it with a panic attack. 

"I will not!" Andrew barked. "What the hell were you two doing? What were you thinking? Were you even thinking at all?" 

"Andrew, I'm going to ask you again to please calm down," Josh said firmly, his hand on my shoulder as I stood against him and tried to keep my breathing steady. I needed Andrew to just step back a little, to clear out of my space, and I tugged Josh backward with me. "You're upsetting Jack, and I won't have it." 

Andrew glared at me, his face seeming to twist into a sneer for a second. He was already scowling, but this seemed like a little more somehow. As fast as I'd seen it, or thought I had, it was gone, and I reminded myself again that I couldn't always trust what I saw, especially when I was upset. 

"Upsetting Jack?" he barked, glaring at me. "How do you think I feel going downstairs to get a snack and seeing Jack up on a stage with you? Those people know who you are, and you were down there alone!" 

"All we did was go downstairs," I said, struggling to keep my voice from shaking. I didn't want to hide behind Josh. Andrew wouldn't really hurt me, I knew in my mind, but I still felt off-kilter. Once again I wished that I had never gone through any of that, and I wondered again in the back of my mind if I would ever be fully recovered. 

"Exactly like I told you not to!" Andrew barked. "You know better! Do you two want to get into trouble? Do you?" 

"Andrew," Josh began, and Andrew's head snapped back toward him. I pulled myself even closer to Josh, wrapping both of my arms against him. My heart was hammering, and I felt the room starting to get a little small. 

"Do you want something to happen to you?" he demanded. "Do you want to get hurt? Or do you want something else to happen to Jack?" 

"Andrew!" Josh barked, his face reddening. I could tell that he was getting angry, and Andrew had to be able to hear it. "You're out of line." 

"I'm not the one who snuck out without my bodyguard, against orders," Andrew argued. 

"Josh," I whispered, feeling my chest tightening. I couldn't breathe, and I felt sweat breaking out on my forehead. I'd gotten in arguments since getting out of the hospital without having any symptoms, but they were so unpredictable, and right now I felt ambushed and a little afraid. 

"Look, I know you're just trying to do your job," Josh began. "But can we take it down a little, please? Maybe just lower our voices and sit down for a minute? Obviously we need to talk about a few things." 

Andrew sat down hard in the chair, crossing his arms, but still glaring at us. Josh led me carefully over to the bed, and then walked into the bathroom. He poured me a glass of cold water, and brought it over to the bed, kneeling down in front of me. I looked into his eyes as I sipped the water, seeing how wide, blue, and warm they were. His face was concerned, and he stroked the side of my forehead, smoothing my hair back. Andrew continued glaring at us, but I ignored him, focusing on Josh, knowing that he was there for me. When I needed to center myself, it was always Josh and his love who pulled me back in. 

"Are you ok?" Josh asked quietly, keeping his voice low and soothing. "We can save this until morning." 

"I'd rather deal with it now, " Andrew said crabbily. Josh's head snapped toward him, his lips curling back from his teeth. 

"It can wait until morning," Josh spat, his jaw clicking audibly as he bit off each word. He turned back to me, caressing the sides of my face over and over, as his voice dropped back down. "Jack, everything is safe here. You're ok. Andrew's upset, but he's not going to hurt you. I won't let anything happen to you. Just focus on me, ok?" 

I closed my eyes, just listening to the sound of Josh's voice, feeling his soft fingers slide over my face. Josh was here, and I was safe. My heart was hammering, but I would be ok. I didn't have to have a panic attack, didn't have to gray out again, and I didn't want to, not in front of Andrew. When my eyes blinked open I saw Josh's again in front of me. His eyes weren't pure blue, but instead had little flecks of color in them, other blues, some greens, and I loved to stare at them. They were deep, and soothing, and I felt how much he loved me every time he looked at me. I glanced past him to Andrew, who was watching all of this with casual disinterest. 

"I'm fine, Josh," I said. "I'm ok, it just, Andrew startled me, and it caught me off guard. We can talk now, and I think we need to." 

Josh sat beside me on the bed, pulling me against him a little, and linked his hand through mine again, his long piano fingers lacing through my own. He folded his other hand over the top of mine, so that it was cocooned in the warm cradle of his grip. I was holding the water glass with my other hand, and I set it down as I noticed that the water was shaking. Maybe I wasn't as ok as I thought. Josh turned back to Andrew. 

"Andrew, we're sorry about sneaking out," Josh began, and I gritted my teeth, thinking that we shouldn't have started by apologizing. Like it or not, Andrew worked for us. We didn't have to explain ourselves to him, and we didn't pay him to yell at us. "We know you're just trying to do your job." 

"I am, and I don't appreciate you making it harder," Andrew said, cutting him off. I squeezed Josh's hand, offering silent calm. "My job is to keep you safe. I'm supposed to watch you both, and protect you from harm, and I can't do that if you sneak out without me." 

"Look, we both know how seriously you take your responsibility," Josh began. 

"And we appreciate that," I added as Josh nodded. "But sometimes it's just, it's too much." 

Andrew watched us, but hadn't said anything yet. His eyes were narrowed and cold, and his jaw was set. His arms were still crossed over his chest. 

"This is our honeymoon, Andrew," Josh continued, trying to get our point across. "This is a time when Jack and I want to enjoy each other's company, and be intimate with each other, and that's hard sometimes with a third person around. We've tried to treat you as a friend, but sometimes you're just kind of smothering." 

"That's part of the problem, " Andrew said finally. He was trying hard to keep some of the anger out of his voice, too, and I was relieved. "I respect you guys, but I don't see you as friends. I see you as clients, and right now my job is to keep you safe. If you want to be safe, you have to make some sacrifices." 

"That's true," Josh said, his face twisted a little with concern. "But, like I said, it feels like you're smothering us." 

"Honestly, I feel like a prisoner," I added. "We're either with you, or locked in a hotel room. There has to be some kind of compromise or something." 

"I don't feel comfortable compromising," Andrew said, crossing his arms. "I've been hired to take care of you. I've made a promise to your manager that I will keep anything from happening to you, and I don't know if you guys are aware of how much that means to me. It's not just my sense of responsibility, and it's not just that personally I want you to be safe. My whole reputation is riding on this. If something happens to you on my watch, that's it for me." 

Josh and I looked at each other, and I sighed. 

"I don't think we thought of it that way," I said, feeling a little bad. "We're not trying to ruin your career or anything." 

"We just need some space to be ourselves, like we talked about before we left," Josh said. He sighed. "Look, we're all calmed down. Maybe we should take tonight to think on this a little, and try to see if we can all work something out. Andrew, you're here for a reason, because Johnny wanted us to bring someone, and I did, too, but we need to think about boundaries a little more, and getting ourselves some space without compromising our safety. As for Jack and I, well, we need to maybe take some time to think about working with you a little more, instead of seeing you as a burden. I'm kind of used to having a bodyguard, but Jack isn't. Maybe we all just need to be a little more sensitive toward each other." 

We were all quiet for a second, and I felt less and less like the walls were about to press in on me. My heart was slowing down a little, and I was riding this out. I would be ok, unless Andrew started yelling again, but that seemed unlikely. 

"Look, guys, I'm sorry I yelled at you," Andrew said, standing. "I guess I just got pissed, and I let it get the better of me. JC, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, and Jack, I didn't mean to get you spooked. JC told me about your condition, and I should have been more considerate." 

"Well, um, no permanent harm done," I said, feeling a little resentful again at being characterized as someone with a "condition". 

"I think for tonight we should all just turn in now, and think about this in the morning," Andrew said, walking toward the door. "You guys have a good night, and please, call me if you're leaving the room, ok?" 

"Promise," Josh said. "We won't even go to the ice machine alone." 

We all chuckled weakly at the joke, and then Andrew left. I couldn't tell if he was still mad or not, but I could understand a little better why he was always right on top of us. Josh hugged me again as I stood, making sure I was ok, and then we went to the bathroom to brush our teeth and get ready for bed. He smiled at me around a mouthful of foam, and I smiled back as I rinsed and spit. I flicked off the bathroom light while Josh was still in there, giggling as I heard him blurt, "Hey!" and then collide with the wall. He came flying out of the bathroom, grinning, and threw himself against me from behind, scooping me up in a hug. 

"You ok?" he asked, his arms around my chest and his head on my shoulder as we stood in the center of the room. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, feeling his warm chest pressing against my back through our clothes. "He just startled me, and then I got upset, and everything just started to kick in. I don't like to feel that way, Josh." 

"I know, baby," he sighed against my neck. "I don't think Andrew meant to do it. He was just upset, and probably rightly so." 

"Probably," I said, still irked that we were apologizing to someone who worked for us. I mentally smacked myself, realizing how much like my mother I sounded. "Then again, I had a lot of fun, so maybe it was worth it." 

"Yeah," Josh agreed, letting me go finally. He peeled his t-shirt off casually, but I still felt my heart flutter a little as his tight chest slid into view. He was so beautiful, and so often seemed unaware of it. I followed suit, tugging mine off, although I'd never have the easy grace he did, making even the simplest moves look like dancing. "Kevin seems nice." 

"I thought so, too," I agreed, enjoying the way Josh casually looked me up and down as I sat on the bed to pull my shoes off. "He's kind of cuter in person than on TV." 

"You think he's cute?" Josh asked quietly, and I turned to see him looking kind of crestfallen as he stood beside the bed in his boxer briefs, folding his pants neatly since he'd have to wear them again tomorrow. 

"Not like that," I said quickly, walking around the bed. Josh was looking down at his pants, and I gently took his chin in one hand, tilting his face up. "I said he was cuter than he looks on TV. He's cute, Josh, but not like you. You're beautiful." 

"Jack," he said, blushing a little. 

"No, I mean it," I said, leaning in to kiss him. "You're beautiful, Josh. There isn't anyone for me besides you. I love you." 

"I love you, too," he whispered, pressing his lips against mine again. 

His tongue darted inside a little, just a quick flick, and then he pulled back. I smiled, figuring everything was fixed with my accidentally referring to another guy as cute, and went back to folding up my clothes and stacking them on the dresser next to Josh's. Josh had picked us out some marginally cute "Detroit: Motor City" t-shirts at the gift shop, but we had to wear everything else again tomorrow, since they didn't sell too many clothes at the hotel. If we wanted shot glasses, spoons, post cards, or snowglobes, though, we were all set. On a whim I had grabbed a postcard for each of the guys and for Carla, and quickly filled them out as Josh sat on the corner of the bed, flipping channels. 

"We can mail these from the airport," I said, flicking off the lamp. 

"Cool," Josh said, smiling as he watched me walk across the room in the soft glow of the television. He'd managed to find a music channel, and they were in their soft love grooves portion of the evening programming. "You know, I didn't know you could sing and dance like that." 

"Did you like watching me dance, Josh?" I asked, pausing with my hands on my hips. 

"Yeah," he answered, leaning forward a little with his elbows on his thighs. 

"You want to see it again?" I asked quietly, swaying a little in time to the beat on television. Josh grinned, his teeth sparkling white in the half light, and I took his hands and led him over to the chair that Andrew had sat in. It wasn't anything fancy, a padded seat with wooden arms, but it wouldn't be completely uncomfortable on his almost naked body. I pushed him down onto the seat, and grinned down at him, swaying back and forth now. "Why don't you sit right there, and I'll give you a show?" 

Josh grinned at me. The only light in the room was the glow of the television, which I turned down lower, and I undulated softly to the R&B Josh had switched on, dancing back toward him. I stopped just in front of the chair, dancing in place without really moving my feet, running a hand up and down my chest, palm flat, watching him follow it with his eyes. Josh shifted in the chair a little, and I saw a nice tent starting to form in the front of his boxer briefs, which was good, since I was getting stiff in my boxers. 

"You like that? You want me to come in a little closer?" I asked quietly, and he nodded, licking his lips as I moved in a little closer, right in front of the chair now. I was throwing a little more sway into it now, hoping that I looked sexy, and not absurd, as I swayed back and forth to the music, watching him watch me as I ran both hands slowly up and down my body. "There are rules for that, you know. You've been out to those places. What's the first rule for a lapdance, Josh?" 

"No, no touching," he whispered, swallowing. I leaned in even closer, not touching him, and not touching the chair, but hovering just inches away. 

"That's right," I answered, putting a hand on either arm of the chair, so that I was leaning right into his space now. His head was tilted back as he stared up at me, and I looked down at him, chewing my bottom lip a little as I danced right above his face. "I can touch you, but you can't touch me. You think you can follow the rules, Josh?" 

"Yeah," he breathed, almost panting now. 

"Good," I said, sliding my hands off of the chair arms and up his arms. He gasped when I touched him, and leaned into me a little as I ran my hands up to his shoulders. He kept his hands tightly gripping the armrests, though, following the rules, at least for now. Keeping my hands on his shoulders, I pushed him back against the chair again. "Why don't you just sit back, then, and enjoy the show?" 

Josh nodded, watching, as I let go of him, my hands gently caressing his shoulders before they slid off of him and back onto my own chest. The song on the television had changed, a little faster, with a little more grind, and I began to swing my hips into it, dancing in front of the chair. I ran one hand up and down my chest, watching Josh watch me, as I gently pinched my nipple, feeling it stiffen. My other hand slid down my stomach, rubbing over my abs, and I caressed my cock through my boxers for a second, pressing the cloth around it, outlining it, enjoying the feeling of my hand squeezing it. Josh hadn't moved his arms, but he shifted in the chair again, swallowing a little. I danced around him, shaking my body closely, and let my fingers trail up his arm and across his shoulder as I danced past him. His head rolled back, staring up at me, as I danced behind him, and I slid my hands down over his chest, clutching his pecs in both hands and squeezing them. He groaned, his fingers tightening around the chair arms, and I rubbed my thumbs over both his nipples as I curled my fingers and scratched them up over his chest. 

Moving around to the front of the chair, I danced in close, my arms on either side of him, resting on the top of the chair, as I slid my bare chest in close to his. He arched up in the chair a little, straining toward me, and I slid back just a fraction, keeping the tiniest bit of space between us. My nipples just barely brushed his, and he gasped loudly as I leaned in at nuzzled at his cheek and neck with my nose, not kissing him, just sliding my skin over his. He let out a little groan as my hands dropped down from the back of the chair to slide through his hair and massage his scalp, rolling his head back and forth a little. He sighed and groaned again, making little urgent whining noises as I moved my face back and forth over his, not kissing or licking, just touching him. 

His eyes were closed, but they popped open as I slid off of him suddenly, changing my movements again, trailing my hands down his body. I felt his chest pressing against them as he inhaled sharply, and his abs twitching as my palms slid over the ripped muscles there. His hips rolled up toward me, but I parted my hands, dragging them down either side of his pelvis and onto his thighs, not touching the hard cock that I could see throbbing against his boxer briefs. He was groaning now, and little beads of sweat were breaking out on his forehead. I leaned forward, my hands squeezing his thighs before sliding up his chest, and reached out my tongue, running it across his hairline, licking up some of his salty sweat. He let out a high pitched, almost yelping sound, and I slid my hands back up his body to his chest. Catching a nipple in each hand, I pinched them. Josh's eyes bulged as he strained beneath me. 

"Jack," he groaned, as I slid my face down again, caressing the curve of his ear with my tongue. 

"You like it, Josh?" I asked, my body still undulating back and forth above him as I continued to run my hands up and down his chest. 

"So fucking hot," he breathed, his knuckles white now as he struggled to keep from touching me. I decided to pour it on. 

Shifting above him, I slid forward a little, and lifted one of my legs, bending it in half. As my hands slid over his strong, trembling arms, up his neck, and tangled in his hair, I leaned back and brought my knee up, planting it on the chair so that my thigh was against his crotch. I pushed my leg forward a little so that his hard cock was grinding against it, and he let out a loud groan again, pressing his hips forward. I twisted my fingers, catching his hair tightly, and bent his head back a little as I continued to press against him, feeling him thrust against my leg. My whole body was still moving against his, our chests scraping, my arms pulling his head from side to side, my own hips rolling as I danced a little faster, still in time to the music. Josh was panting now, full out, and his face was a pinched mask of urgency as he ground his cock against my thigh. His arms moved suddenly, to grab my ass, and I let go of his hair, grabbing his hands with my own. I stopped dancing, and just pressed against him. 

"These feel like hands, Josh, " I growled above him. His eyes popped open above his parted lips. "There was a rule about this." 

I knew he was right at the brink, and watched his eyes widen pleadingly as I pulled away from him. Turning in the bluish glow of the television, I grabbed our folded shirts from the top of the dresser, twisting one in my hands as I dropped down on the side of him. 

"What are you doing?" Josh asked. His voice was high and reedy. 

"Making sure you don't break that no hands rule again," I said, grinning. Bringing the t- shirt around the chair arm, I tied his arm to the chair. As he stared at me I used the other t-shirt to do the same, and then stepped back, my hands on my hips. Josh stared up at me, still panting, his cock still jutting out inside his boxer briefs. He flexed a little against the shirts, testing them a little, and I smiled, watching his arms bulge. "Now, where were we? Oh yeah, I was dancing for you." 

The music on the television slowed down again, a low, throbbing bass, and I stood in front of the screen, a few feet from Josh, my eyes fixed on him as I slowly ground back and forth. I ran my hands up and down my body again, watching Josh watch me, and saw his eyes widen as I hooked my thumbs in the waistband of my boxers. Moving slowly, I danced out of them, lowering them an inch at a time, sliding them over my ass and down my legs. I kicked them aside as they dropped to the floor, and walked slowly toward him in time to the beat, swinging my hips, watching him squirm uncomfortably in the chair again. Standing in front of him, I danced in place again, but this time I brought my hands down to my jutting, dripping cock. Gritting my teeth, I held my groans in as I smeared my hands across my sticky cockhead, slicking my palms with shining precum before I leaned in, running my fingers over his open mouth. Josh let out a bellowing groan as soon as I touched him, and he sucked and licked at my hands as I ran them over the sides of his face. 

Josh began moaning and sighing in time to my movements as I leaned over the chair again, running my hands up and down his shoulders and neck, nuzzling at his face with my own again. I nipped at the ridge of his jaw, and tugged at his earlobes with my teeth as he whimpered and strained against the t-shirts, his arms bulging and trembling. His body twisted and writhed beneath me on the cushion as my chest pressed against his. I kept my movements in time to the throbbing rhythms on the television, knowing that music was such a part of him that it would just increase his already heightened pleasure. I could tell by the tone of his moans and whines that he was getting close, which told me I was a damn good lapdancer, since I had barely touched his cock yet. It was time to change that. 

"No, Jack," he yelped softly as I pulled away from him. 

"Don't worry, I'm not leaving," I whispered, turning. 

I heard him let out a strangled cry as I turned, sitting just above his lap. I ground my bare ass against his cotton covered cock, and his hips lurched as he pushed himself against me, thrusting in time to my movements. He was panting and sighing as I grinned, holding myself above him, keeping myself from actually sitting on him, and suddenly I felt his mouth on my shoulder blades, licking along them. He nipped at them, his teeth scraping against the bones, his mouth crawling up my spine. I could feel the hot blasts of his panting breaths against me, and I folded my hands down over his restrained ones, lacing my fingers through his. He flexed his hands, grasping at me, capturing my fingers between his in a rhythmic tightening as he urgently strained under my body. 

"You like that?" I asked, picking up a little speed. 

"Yes, Jack, God, yes," he panted, his eyes squeezing closed each time he thrust up against me. 

His pants were now sharp little high pitched sighs, verging on yelps, and I saw his eyes pop open in surprise yet again as I pulled myself off of him. He was breathing hard now, his chest tight, his abs locked, and I rolled my hands down them, feeling his whole body shaking as I grabbed his boxer briefs and jerked them down. He lifted his ass to help me slide them off, and then I immediately climbed back on, facing him, one hand on his shoulders as I wrapped my other around his cock, pressing it to my ass. I kept up my undulating, serpentine movements above him, and he stared up at me with glassy eyes as I pushed against him. 

"Jack, are you sure?" he whispered between gasps as his hips continued rolling upward, sliding his cock in and out of my grip as the dripping head pressed firmly against my hole. "We don't have anything." 

"We don't need anything," I growled. 

I felt him slide inside me, and I winced a little. It was a little painful without much lubricant, other than sweat and precum, but I could manage. Besides, he wasn't going to last long. His mouth hung open as he stared up at me, thrusting forward as best he could as I rode him. I relaxed a little, opening up, and rode him as hard as I could, keeping my thrusts in time to the music, squeezing my ass around him and ignoring the burn of the friction in favor of the deeper pleasure rolling up from my core. My cock was trapped between us, dripping, leaking sticky streamers across his abs. I stared down at him, grinning, riding faster and faster, hearing the chair legs scraping a little, and suddenly I locked up above him, my fingers digging into his shoulders as I clamped my ass around his cock as tightly as I could. Josh let out a short scream of release, and I felt his hot jets bursting into me. 

Josh panted beneath me as I untied the shirts, and his eyes rolled open again as I slowly climbed off of him. I felt a little of his seed running down the back of my thighs, and I walked toward the bathroom, motioning for him to follow. No way was I sleeping next to him with his crotch covered in shit and cum. Leaving the bathroom lights off, I turned on the water, and then I felt him behind me as I drew the curtain back. We both just kind of leaned on the shower wall, letting the water play over us, and then he surprised me by dropping to his knees and taking my cock in his mouth. I was already close to the edge from the fucking, even if walking in here had taken a little of the urgency off, but Josh's mouth was so hot on me that all I could do was sigh and whimper. I ran my fingers through his hair as he knelt in the shower spray, and I sighed, slumping against the tiles as he bobbed and sucked on me. Before I knew it I felt myself tightening up, and then he was swallowing every drop I shot into his throat. He pulled off of me and we pressed against each other wordlessly, our hands drifting up and down each other's bodies. 

When we'd been in the shower so long that our fingers were wrinkling he shut off the water, and I handed him a towel, reaching out until I felt them. We dried each other off, and then held hands as we led each other back to the bed. Laying down, I felt Josh spoon against my back, and I pulled the sheet up over us. He drew me closer to him until as much of his body could be pressed to mine as possible, all that warm, smooth skin lying comfortably together, and our heads shared the same pillow as he nuzzled familiarly at the back of my neck with his nose. 

"I love you, baby," he whispered finally, breaking the silence in our room. 

"I love you, too, Josh," I answered. 

He shifted a little, his whole body cuddling mine, and I sighed contentedly. Our breathing began to synchronize, falling into the same pattern, as it always did when we lay together, and I felt warm, safe, and whole. I started to drift off, but then, just before I fell asleep, I heard him whisper one more thing. 

"You give a hell of a good lap dance," he sighed against me. 

Both of us chuckled, and drifted off. 

---

CHAPTER 103

---

JACK'S POV: 

Despite falling asleep exhausted, satiated, and contented, I tossed and turned all night, sleeping only in fits and starts, waking up more than once. I felt Josh shifting against me each time, but I wasn't sure if he was fully awake. I worried that I might be disturbing him, so I finally tried to slide gently away from him, moving over to my own side of the bed to at least let him get a good night's sleep. When I did, though, his hand slid out, gently grasping my shoulder. 

"Jack?" he asked softly, holding on to me. 

"Josh, I'm sorry," I whispered. "Please, go back to sleep." 

"Not without you," he said softly, pulling gently at my shoulder. I rolled over, facing him, but there was still a little space between us. His hand drifted from my shoulder to the side of my face, stroking my cheek, and I sighed, pressing my face against his caress. "What's wrong? Is it nightmares?" 

"No, Josh, it's not that again," I answered. I sighed, but I didn't want to keep anything from Josh. He just wanted to help me. "I can't sleep because I'm nervous." 

"About flying out tomorrow?" he asked, understanding immediately. His feather light fingers rested on the side of my face, down at my jawline. 

"Kind of, mostly," I answered. "Josh, I'm afraid. I'm scared, and I don't like to feel this way." 

"Jack, it's ok to be afraid, " Josh said, pulling gently at me. He never tugged, never forced me to come closer. He always pulled just lightly enough to let me know I was wanted, but also to let me know it was my choice. I slid over, my bare legs brushing his, and I laid my head on his chest, feeling him cradle me tightly. "There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. It's natural, and I'm here for you. This is a big step, an important one, and it's ok to be a little scared." 

"I know," I sighed, my hand on his shoulder, gently rubbing his velvet soft skin. He kept smoothing his fingers over the side of my face, and I stared across the pillows into his blue eyes, watching them reach out for me. "Josh, I just, I feel kind of stupid, like at the first day of school or something." 

"What do you mean?" he asked, not smiling, just continuing to hold me. 

"What if they don't like me?" I asked, my voice shaking a little. I hadn't realized I was this upset and afraid, but as soon as I said it out loud my eyes began to water a little. Josh's face melted as my eyes stung, and I saw his eyebrows sliding together, his forehead creasing with concern. His arms flexed as he pulled me tightly against him, and we lay front to front as he ran his hands in circles over my back. 

"Jack, it's ok," he whispered, holding me. "It's not stupid to feel that way, Jack. It's not stupid at all. You're going to meet these people for the first time, and you don't know anything about them. It's natural for you to be nervous, and unsure, and even afraid. You don't have to feel stupid because you feel like that. And why wouldn't they like you, Jack? Everyone likes you." 

"Andrew doesn't like me," I said stubbornly, even though I could see his point. I felt Josh's breath on my neck as he chuckled against me. He leaned back a little, and we were nose to nose, staring into each other's eyes. 

"Andrew doesn't like anyone, " Josh said, smiling. I smiled, too. "Now Jack, seriously, why would they not like you? You're a good person, you're damn cute, and you're successful. You've gone to college, and you've made your own way in the world. You're bright and funny and perfect, and any family would be happy to meet you." 

"But I'm not perfect, Josh," I said quietly. I didn't want to say anything that would hurt him, but I couldn't pretend there wasn't an issue. "I'm gay. I'm going to show up at their door, you know, 'Hey, I'm your son,' and I'm this big, famous fag. I mean, you and I are going to find them together on our honeymoon, after our wedding that's probably been in every tabloid by the cash register at their grocery store, and I'm not exactly every mother's dream. What if they're really religious? Or what if they just don't like gay people? I mean, we have no idea why they didn't want me. They might not be happy seeing me come crawling up the sidewalk as it is, and to have this, too? That's what I'm afraid of, Josh. That's why I'm scared. What if they don't want me, don't want anything to do with me, because I'm gay?" 

Josh stiffened a little against me, his body tensing, and I watched his face shift. I'd caught him off guard, I could tell, but that was the heart of it. That was the root of my fear and nervousness, and I needed to say it, even if it did upset him. Josh swallowed, and as he looked at me I could tell that my words had stung him, whether I meant them to or not. I kept my arms around him, still holding him, but I noticed that his hands had stopped moving. When he finally spoke his voice was softer, but I couldn't read the feeling in it. 

"Jack, are you ashamed of me?" he asked finally. 

"No, Josh, no," I answered quickly, holding him. I felt my eyes watering again as I realized how he had taken it. "No, Josh, I love you. I could never, ever be ashamed of that, or of you. Never. I didn't mean that when I said that, Josh." 

"Then you're ashamed of yourself?" Josh asked. "You're ashamed of being gay?" 

"No!" I blurted. I smiled, and watched as he did as well. "Josh, I can tell what you're trying to do, but that's not what I'm trying to say. I'm gay, and that's who I am. You and I love each other, and you are my husband. Even if it's not legal, and was just a generic ceremony for show, it means something to me, more than anything else. I'm not ashamed of that, and I never will be." 

"I know," he said. "I just needed you to say it out loud, because you needed to hear it. Jack, if you're ok with who we are, why are you afraid they won't be?" 

"Because I don't know them," I answered. "I don't know anything about them. I don't know why they gave me up, or if they wanted to. I don't know if they ever think about me, or if they ever wonder what happened to me. I'm willing to bet, though, that if they do, they don't sit there and go, 'Wow, I hope he's gay.'" 

"But Jack, there isn't anything you can do about that," Josh said, holding me tightly to him. I felt his chest bunching, touching mine. "If you want them to love you, you want them to do it for who you are, and that's part of you. It's not the only part, but you're right when you say it's something they may see, because they might recognize you. You can't be afraid of that, though. You can't let that fear keep you from finding out about yourself, and knowing where you came from." 

"But that's easy for you to say," I argued. I knew he was trying to help, trying to boost me up with this pep talk, but I wasn't going for it. He might understand how I felt, but he couldn't feel the same way, not Josh. "You can tell me to face my fear and be strong, but it's because you're never afraid." 

"What?" he asked softly, disbelieving. 

"You're never afraid of anything, Josh," I said. "And you're always so brave, so strong. I wake up, and I'm a mess, and you're always right there, always ok. You're always offering yourself up for me to lean on, always comforting me, but you never need it. You never deal with fear like this." 

"Is that really what you think?" Josh asked, watching me. I nodded. "Jack, it only looks like that because I don't tell you what I'm afraid of. I'm strong, because you need me to be, but Jack, sometimes I'm terrified." 

"You?" I asked, stunned. Josh couldn't be afraid, not really. He was too strong. I knew that he had all the little fears that everyone does, but what could possibly leave him terrified? I should have known the answer, but sometimes I'm stupid enough to have to ask. "Josh, what are you terrified of?" 

"Losing you," he answered, without hesitating. "Jack, when Basil took you, it happened so fast. I turned around, and you were gone, and now, every time you leave the room, every time I'm somewhere and you're not, I wonder if I'm ever going to see you again. I wonder if you're going to come back, or if something's going to happen to you. I wonder if the last thing I said to you before you left are the last words you're ever going to hear from me. The night before the wedding, when Carla made us split up, I barely slept all night, because I was so afraid that you weren't ok, or that you would have a nightmare or an attack, that you would need me, and that I wouldn't be there." 

"Oh, Josh," I said, laying my head on his shoulder. He rolled a little, onto his back, and I slid down onto his chest, pressing my cheek to his firm, meaty pec. He ran his fingers through my hair, holding onto me with his other arm thrown around me. 

"And I know it's stupid," he said, his chest vibrating under my cheek as he spoke. I tried not to move too much, knowing my whiskers might scratch him, but he didn't seem to mind. "I know that we can't be together every second of every day, and that's not a healthy way to live. But I'm still scared, Jack. I deal with it, but sometimes I see you walking away, and I'm afraid that it's the last time I'll ever see you. I'm worried that you'll be hurt, or someone will hurt you, that there'll be an accident or something. Or, well, never mind." 

"No, Josh, please," I said. "I told you everything. Please, Josh, please let me help you. Tell me all of it." 

"I'm scared that you'll leave me," Josh said quietly. I froze against him. "Jack, I'm not saying this to hurt you." 

"I know," I answered. "I know you'd never do that, and I would never hurt you, either, Josh. I'm a part of you. You're a part of me. I could never leave you, Josh, never. Since the day we met you've been inside me." 

"I know," he said, stroking my shoulder. The room was very dark, and I couldn't see his face with my head below it on his chest. The two of us pulled tightly against each other, defending ourselves from the very idea of being separated. Physically, the idea of being apart from each other wasn't anything monstrous or frightening, but the idea that Josh and I might break up, that we wouldn't be a couple, that somehow our love would end, scared us both. "But it's what I'm afraid of. When Basil took you, and it looked like you left me, I couldn't think, Jack. I shut down completely, because you leaving me is what I'm most afraid of." 

"But Josh, why would I do that?" I asked, curious. "Have I ever done anything to make you think I would? Please, Josh, even if you think it will hurt me, please tell me if I have, so that I can make sure I don't do that anymore." 

"No, no, baby," he said, kissing me on the forehead. "It's not anything you did. It's just something I've been afraid of since the minute I asked you if we could be together. I was so scared that you would say no. I mean, Jack, you're the only guy I've ever been with. You're the only man I've ever loved. I mean, there was Justin, but I didn't love him like I love you. You're the only man I've ever loved like this, but I was worried that you wouldn't want someone so, I don't know, so inexperienced." 

"But Josh, that doesn't matter to me," I said. "It doesn't matter how many guys I dated before you, and how many you didn't. I love you, and that's what matters to me." 

"But there's so much you've done that I haven't," he said. "So many things I don't know, or haven't done." 

"And we do them together, Josh," I said, comforting him. Josh and I had talked about this once, very early in our relationship, and since it hadn't come up again I had thought he was over it. "Josh, when you and I do something together, try something or go somewhere, it doesn't matter if I've done it before, because it's the first time I've done it with you." 

I slid up his chest so that I lay next to him, on my side, with my arm thrown across him and my hand resting on his shoulder. I kissed him on the cheek, and he turned, bringing his lips to mine. 

"That's what matters to me, Josh," I repeated. "That's what I care about." 

"I know," he said, cradling me against him. "And I don't worry about this all the time. I just, well, sometimes it hits me, and I worry that you'll find someone older, or someone with more experience. I worry that you'll find someone, I don't know, better, and that you'll leave me." 

"Josh, I worry about that, too," I said finally. "There are days when I can't imagine why you would want to be with me, why you haven't found someone cuter, or more like you, or even just someone who doesn't have so many issues. I know it can't be easy to love me, Josh, with the nightmares and the panic attacks, and all the other little quirks I had even before those, and I worry that someday I'll just be too much trouble, and you'll toss in the towel and go find someone else." 

"No, Jack, no," Josh said, rubbing my back as he pressed me against him. He was so warm and soft, but firm underneath. Our legs were brushing against each other, and I felt completely safe and comfortable. "I can't imagine ever loving someone the way I love you. I never did before you, and I never will again. There isn't anyone else for me, Jack, no one who's going to be so smart, and funny, and special." 

"There isn't for me, either, Josh," I said, kissing his chest softly. I felt his heart beating under my lips as they brushed the smooth rise of his muscle. I pulled back up, wanting to be sure to look him in the eye, so that he'd be able to see how serious I was. "Josh, before, when I said that Kevin was cute, you looked upset. Was it because of this? Were you worried that I might like Kevin that way?" 

Josh blinked and looked away, swallowing. I could tell by the way that his face shifted that I was right. 

"Yeah," he answered finally. "And I know it's stupid. I know you're not going to leave me for Kevin, but like I said, I just worry sometimes. It caught me a little off guard, I guess. I'm sorry for getting upset over something so stupid." 

"It's not stupid, Josh," I said, leaning in to kiss him. I felt his nose brush across my cheek, and then I kissed him, gently, on the mouth. His lips pressed against mine, and then our heads slid apart a little. "If you're going to keep telling me it's ok for me to be afraid, well, it's ok for you, too. If I do something that bothers you, Josh, please tell me. Don't wait for me to read it in your face and figure out that I did something wrong. Don't let it build up in between us, ok?" 

Josh smiled. 

"OK," he said. He leaned in and kissed me this time, his lips sliding over mine, feather light. "And you're right. Kevin is kind of cute. You know, for someone who's closer to, um, to your age and all." 

"Closer to my age?" I laughed, watching him grin. "I'm only a year older than you!" 

I began to tickle him, refusing to stop, as he convulsed beneath me on the bed, slapping at my hands as they scrabbled up and down his sides. Both of us were laughing now, Josh begging me to stop as I refused to until he apologized. He caught one of my wrists, and then the other, and pulled me against him as he smothered my face with kisses, big wet sloppy ones. I laughed beneath him and we finally ended up just lying against each other again, sharing a pillow, the seriousness of the mood broken. Josh kissed me on the forehead and pulled me tightly against him, laying his whole body against mine, touching as much of our skin together as he could. 

"I'm sorry I said you were as old as Kevin," he whispered, both of us still trying to catch our breath. "But I'm glad we talked." 

"Me, too," I sighed, loving the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, his biceps bulging a little, the hair on his forearms tangling with the hair on mine. 

"Think you can sleep now?" he asked, quietly, kissing the back of my neck. 

"I think so," I answered. "I love you, Josh." 

"And I love you," he answered, holding me, his chest against my back, his thighs behind mine. "And Jack, whatever happens, whatever we find out, you still have a family. You and I are a family, together." 

"And we always will be," I said, yawning. "I guess I'm being silly, too. I can't change what they're going to think, and there's no point in worrying about it when I don't know. I'm building up all these things in my mind, when really they could tell us anything, and there's no way for us to know how they're going to react to anything." 

"It's ok to be worried, and nervous, and even afraid," Josh said, yawning as well. "Just remember that you're not alone." 

"Thank you, Josh," I said, snuggling back against him. "Let's go to sleep." 

When the alarm buzzed us awake a few hours later, we were still laying like that, pressed against each other. Josh's arms tightened around me as he yawned awake, and he nuzzled his nose against the back of my neck, fighting against full consciousness. 

"Babe, it's time to get up," I said, stroking his forearms as they wrapped around me. "Come on." 

"No," he mumbled. "No awake." 

I smiled, feeling his lips squashing against me, his nose pressing into my back. I could imagine him back there, his hair messy, trying not to open his eyes. When Josh woke up before me, it was always a mystery to me how he managed to do it, because the mornings when I got up first always left me struggling to get him out of bed on time. Unless, of course, I screamed us both awake, but I was trying to think only of normal mornings. Josh craved sleep like a heroin addict dreaming of the next high, and he would hold onto it as long as possible. I chuckled, and decided to let him rest, rather than forcing him to get up with me. 

"Josh, I'm going to get in the shower, ok?" I said, gently removing his arms from me. He pulled the sheet around himself, drawing it in like a flower closing up at night, the folds bunching and wrinkling together around his head as he scrunched into a little ball, burying his face under a pillow. "I'll wake you when I'm done, ok?" 

"Yeah," he muttered softly. All I could see in the cotton rosette was a lock of brown hair. 

When I finished showering, and had combed my hair and shaved, I went back to the bedroom and tugged the sheets off of him, watching them slide down his muscled body as he hid his head under his arm like a little kid. It was ludicrous watching him hide his face in a pillow while he flashed me his firm, bare ass, and I had to giggle. I leaned down over his back and blew softly on his shoulder blades, watching him shudder. Running a fingertip up his spine, just barely touching him, I leaned down to breath into his ear. 

"Rise and shine," I whispered, blowing on his earlobe. 

His eyes peered out from behind his arm, glittering blue as he blinked them open. 

"You did that on purpose," he whispered. "Just to give me a hard on." 

"Damn right," I said in a teasing singsong voice. "Now get up. We have breakfast with Andrew and a plane to catch." 

"But what am I going to do with this?" Josh asked, rolling over. 

I smiled, watching him turn. He was completely naked, his golden body glowing against the sheets, tanned to a warm graham cracker brown. His nipples, half hard, pouted on his chest, capping his curving pecs like sprinkles on an ice cream cone. His cock stood out from the crease of his strong thighs, pointing toward the ceiling like a spike, throbbing and twitching a little from the movement of rolling over. It was hard, the tracery of veins running up and down his shaft throbbing softly, the head, the same shade as his nipples, full and ready, a sparkling bead of precum leaking from the slit. Josh grinned at me, his smile wide and his face bright, and he tucked his hands behind his head, arms folded so the muscles bulged, the act of raising them pulling his abs tight and flattening his pecs into wings of muscle instead of smooth curves. 

"I might be able to help with that," I said, my mouth watering as I looked at him lying there, a tanned pile of pure sexual energy. 

I walked toward the bed, watching him watch me, our eyes linked. When my knees hit the bed, I climbed on, crawling slowly up the bed as Josh lay back, watching me. My towel slid off as I slid up his body, raised on my hands and knees, stopping when my head was just above his cock. I leaned forward, still watching him, and flicked my tongue out, spearing up that one salty drop of precum. I smeared my tongue over my bottom lip, grinning, and then slid it out again, running it around the ridge of his cockhead. He kept his casual pose, his arms still folded, but his face betrayed him, his mouth dropping open as his eyes squeezed a little, his eyebrows wrinkling a little. 

"Unh," he sighed sharply, his pitch high, like the kind of noise he might yelp during a song. 

His eyes, fighting to stay open, slid closed for a second as I ran my tongue along his slit again, parting it a little, pushing the tip of my tongue inside of him. He tasted a little salty, and was also slick. His cock jumped against my mouth as I began to lap at his shaft, tracing the thick tube on the underside. I finally brought my lips down, and began to kiss my way up and down his cock, listening to him sigh and moan, watching his body flex as he shifted a little. He sounded so sexy as I teased him with my tongue, caressing him with it, probing him as I tasted and felt him with it. He was making these little whines, sounding so young and so tightly urgent that I knew I couldn't keep toying with him like this. We really didn't have much time to prolong it anyway, as he still needed to shower, so the next time I licked my way up him I pursed my lips together and kissed the head of his cock. His hips lifted a little as the head throbbed against my tight mouth, and I folded my lips down over it, enveloping him, pulling him inside. 

"Oh, Jack," he groaned, finally dropping his hands down from behind his head to catch them in my hair. 

Josh gently massaged my scalp as I used my tongue to press his cock against the roof of my mouth, keeping it tightly pinned in the wet tunnel I was creating. I sucked my cheeks in, keeping them in a silken embrace on either side of him as I bobbed up and down on his cock, washing it over with my saliva. I was going slowly at first, my hands resting on his firm, sparsely haired thighs, lightly kneading them, but I began to bob faster, sucking a little harder, guided by his groans and sighs of pleasure. Each time I buried my face fully in his pubes, down to the root of his cock, his fingers tensed, flexing in my hair, his fingertips holding my skull. My fingers drifted up from his thighs to caress his balls, rolling them in the tightening skin of his sac, feeling how large and full they were, tugging at them a little, and he began to groan louder, the pitch climbing even higher. Finally he tensed beneath me, his body locking up, his hands pulling me down involuntarily, forcing my head in a way that he never would when he was in control, and his cock jerked against my tongue as he blasted his hot, salty cum into my throat. 

When he finally let go, gasping, I pulled off of him, letting his cock slide out of my mouth as I sucked it clean, not touching him too much with my tongue because I knew he would be hypersensitive at that moment. I grinned at him, watching his eyes slide open again in his flushed, relaxed face, and I crawled backward off the bed, walking over to the dresser to get my clothes. 

"I love you," he said from behind me, bending a little to kiss me right between my shoulders. 

"I love you, too," I answered. "Now go shower." 

"But what about you?" he asked, glancing back at my crotch, where my own hard cock pushed against the terry cloth towel. 

"There's time for me later," I sighed. He turned, walking slowly, and I untied the towel and snapped him across the ass with it, giggling as I saw him jump. "Hurry up!" 

"Ow!" he yelped, scurrying out of range as he rubbed his ass. "That stings! Bastard." 

"We won't know that for sure until we talk to my mom," I laughed, stepping into my boxers. "Now hurry up!" 

"Jack?" Josh asked, pausing in the bathroom doorway. I looked over, and saw that he looked a little tentative. "Everything we talked about last night, are you ok with it?" 

"Yeah, I'm ok," I answered, smiling a little to show him. "I'm glad we talked." 

"Me too," he said, smiling in relief. 

"Are you ok?" I asked, hoping. I had woken up this morning feeling like everything was settled between us, and that it had been good to let all of that out, but I wanted to make sure. 

"Yeah, yeah, I am," Josh answered. "I'm going to shower now, Jack. I love you." 

"I love you, too," I answered, going back to getting dressed. 

When Josh finished in the shower, he got ready and dressed while I called Andrew to tell him to meet us in the restaurant downstairs. Josh finished packing up his bag, and we walked down in our matching gift shop t-shirts, hand in hand, both pretty relaxed and happy after the evening and morning's activities. We met Andrew in the restaurant, sliding into our seats as I silently noticed that he had taken a table near the side exit, against the wall, where he could see the entire room. 

"Morning," I grumbled, still a little irked at him for reaming us out last night. Josh did the same as we motioned the waitress over, and I held up my cup so she would know to bring the coffee pot. 

"Good morning," Andrew said, watching her approach through narrowed eyes, as if he thought she might splash us with the coffee. Josh asked her for some hot water and an herbal tea, and the two of us ordered bagels and cream cheese before she drifted away. Andrew watched her leave, and then turned back to us. "What is it with you two and the matching outfits? I'm just wondering." 

"Jack and I are together," Josh answered as I smothered a giggle. "We're one unit. I want us to look like it." 

"No need to get defensive," Andrew said, holding up his hands. "I was just wondering. Are you two still pissed about last night?" 

"Are you?" I asked back. At least he cut right to the chase. Josh sighed. 

"No, but I think we still need to talk about it," Andrew said. "We're about to go back on the road, and we need to have whatever this issue is with you two worked out before we have the same problem again." 

"OK, I don't think we need to phrase it like that, for starters," Josh said, pressing his teabag down into the cup with his spoon. "Jack and I have a valid need for space, and unfortunately it's ramming right into your valid need to protect us. I thought about this last night, and again this morning, and I have a few ideas. You're right. We do need to talk about this before we get on the plane, because the next part of our trip is too important to Jack and I to have anything come up that might interfere with it." 

"So what did you come up with?" Andrew asked, crossing his arms. Oh, yeah, that looked open and willing to listen. I sat back and waited, letting Josh take this over since he hired Andrew and he had more experience dealing with bodyguards than I did. 

"I need to explain a little first, but I don't want to do it without Jack's permission," Josh said, settling his hand down over mine. He looked at me, his eyes and face telling me that I could say no, and that it was all up to me. I nodded, giving his hand a squeeze. "Andrew, Jack found out recently that he, um, that he's adopted. The reason we're going to Colorado is to look for his birth family, and to see if we can find anything out about them and where Jack came from. The reason I'm telling you this is that this is probably going to be kind of stressful for Jack, which means it will be for me, too." 

"I understand that, and I'll try not to add to your stress," Andrew said. "But I do need to know if you'll be doing anything that puts you at risk." 

Josh shook his head. 

"I don't think you're getting me," he said. "Jack and I are going to need space on this trip, Andrew. We might find things out that are upsetting, and we might need to vent that, to cool off or go somewhere to think. We're going to need each other to get through it, and it's hard for us to lean on each other when we have you looking right over our shoulder." 

"JC, I hear what you're saying, but I'm under an obligation to Johnny and the rest of your team, and to you guys, as well," Andrew said. 

"And you can fulfill that obligation just as well from a distance," Josh said firmly. "I'm not saying we want you to wait in the car, or that we're going to run all over town without you, but there are going to be times on this trip when we tell you to back off, and I, and Jack, need you to just do it, no questions asked, ok?" 

Andrew sighed in resignation. 

"I guess I don't really have a choice, do I?" he asked, frowning. 

"Yes, you do," Josh said, shrugging. "If you can't agree to let us set the boundaries, and to give us a little room when we need it, unless there is an overwhelming and obvious security issue, we can always switch to a more accommodating bodyguard. If you stay, are we going to have to have this discussion again?" 

"No, we won't," Andrew said, his voice firm. 

He smiled at us, but it didn't touch his eyes. Josh didn't seem to notice, but I felt a little chill. I wished again that Andrew wasn't so hard for me to read, wasn't always so cold and blunt all the time. It was too hard to tell if he really agreed with us, or if he was just placating us and biding his time. I wasn't sure what he could possibly be biding his time for, but I still felt a little twinge of unease. 

---

CHAPTER 104

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JACK'S POV: 

Andrew was more or less quiet for the rest of the morning, but Josh and I weren't feeling particularly chatty, either. On the plane, we were in different sections again, so we didn't have to see him. I was still going back and forth about how I felt. On the one hand, I was pretty sure Andrew was pissed that Josh had drawn such a firm line with him, no matter how justified I thought it was. On the other hand, he wasn't really acting all that pissed. He wasn't acting at all out of the ordinary. Maybe Andrew was really just a brusque, taciturn guy who took his job a little seriously. Maybe I only thought he was pissed because I would be in his place. I mentioned it to Josh over a game of chess as we flew westward, but he didn't really think it was that serious. 

"Well, Jack, I see your point, but I really don't think he's mad," Josh said. "All of his references said he was like this. He's overprotective, but that really isn't such a bad trait for a bodyguard to have. Part of this is probably my fault, too, for not laying out our expectations more clearly in the beginning. I should have done that, because I'm used to this more than you are. I'm just sorry that it upset you." 

I smiled, leaning over to kiss his cheek. 

"Josh, that's sweet, but I told you, it only upset me because it caught me off guard," I said. "It was just him right up close, yelling, and it kind of pushed my buttons, I guess. It wasn't his fault. He didn't know that would upset me so much. Besides, you know me. I don't like feeling restricted." 

"That's the truth!" Josh agreed, laughing. I gave him a strange look, and he elaborated. "When you were in the hospital I thought we were going to have to strap you to the bed to get you to follow Dr. Swan's orders." 

"OK, maybe," I agreed, mulling it over. "But Josh, that place was medieval! They left you alone when you slept there, but they were always in poking me, or squeezing, or something. I swear half those tests were just so they could look busy." 

"You are so paranoid," Josh laughed. He knew how much the hospital preyed on my nerves. "But I love you anyway." 

I laughed along with him, but I didn't want to drop this just yet. 

"Josh, maybe we should involve Andrew in this a little," I said, thinking. "We're taking this kind of by the seat of our pants. Maybe he'll be able to help." 

"Are you sure?" Josh asked. "I know how you are about privacy, and he's not exactly a close friend." 

"He's not a friend, but he's friendly, and we should treat him the same way," I said. He had seemed pretty comfortable with us during Washington part of the trip, as if he was opening up a little, and I didn't want to lose that, especially if the next part of the trip was going to be emotionally intense or draining. "Josh, he's along for the ride, either way. I'd much rather have him as part of a team than feeling like we're working against him." 

Josh nodded, leaving it to my judgment, and we went back to our game, or, more accurately, series of them, since Josh continued to dominate the chess arena. I resolved to do something about this at some point, to put myself on more equal footing with him. When we landed, we went to the airport restaurant with Andrew, and I explained as much about the situation to him as I could, without really going into all the details of my relationship with my family. Instead, I just outlined that I was looking for my birth family, and that this was all the information that I had. We had printed out maps of the town before we left for the honeymoon, and I removed them from my carryon, laying them out on the table between the three of us as we sipped our drinks. A search of the phone listings had confirmed that the lawyer still lived there, and still had an office. It was still early in the day, but I wanted to get on the road soon, as it was a few hours' ride from Denver to get to the town. 

"So what's the plan?" Andrew asked. He seemed intrigued by this whole thing, and a little more pleasant than he had in the morning. I smiled, and Josh caught it and smiled as well. Already things seemed less tense. 

"I figured we could drive there tonight," I began. "Josh has a car reserved for us to pick up, and we can roll into town and check into a hotel to put our bags down. After that I think we should go straight to the lawyer. He's got the answers." 

"Sounds solid," Andrew said. "You want to wait, or do you want to go get the car?" 

"Let's go get the car," Josh said, smacking some money down on the table to cover our drinks as I folded the maps back up. I leaned over and kissed him, and he smiled at me as we waved a porter over to help us with the luggage cart. We loaded the bags into another massive SUV, having caught up with our luggage again, and Josh made a concession of his own. 

"Andrew, do you want to drive?' Josh asked, holding my hand. I squeezed his tightly to let him know that his effort was appreciated. 

"Sure," Andrew said, the stone face cracking open into a smile. He waited until we were a good twenty minutes or so into the drive, Josh and I leaning back against each other in the backseat, both of us looking out the same window, before asking the obvious question. "So, Jack, why didn't you just call this lawyer?" 

"I want to see him in person, " I answered. "It's too easy over the phone if he doesn't want to help me for him to hang up, or not return my calls. This will be a lot harder for him to avoid." 

"Good plan," Andrew agreed. 

Unfortunately for us, though, my plan didn't work out quite as I'd hoped. After the car ride, switching radio stations and singing along at the tops of our lungs to several different kinds of music (Josh and Andrew, as musicians, had eclectic tastes, which meant I had no choice), we checked in at the hotel, dropping our bags in the rooms. It was a nice enough place, a little smaller than Josh was used to, although it seemed positively spacious after the airport Howard Johnson from last night. Consulting the maps, Andrew drove to the lawyer's offices as I sat in the front passenger seat. Josh leaned forward as much as he could with his seatbelt on from the back seat and the three of us peered out the windshield. 

"It looks like a house," Josh said. Travis Favato, Attorney at Law, had his offices in what appeared to be a quaint gingerbread trimmed Victorian, in a neighborhood of similar establishments. On one side was a dentist's office, on the other a veterinarian, and across the street was a funeral home. 

"It is, but I don't think he lives there," Andrew said. "No cars in the drive. And look, no partners, either. Only his name on the shingle." 

"Good catch," I said. I heard Josh unhook his seatbelt, and felt his hand settle comfortingly on my shoulder. "That could be a good thing, though. If it's just him, he must deal with all the clients personally." 

"We going?" Josh asked as I unhooked my belt and popped open my door. I nodded. "Andrew, could you stay in the car, please?" 

"Sure," Andrew said, shrugging. "Try not to get assaulted, and yell if you need anything." 

"Funny," I said, smirking and shutting my door. I felt a little unsteady, a little fluttery, and Josh sensed it and took my hand as we walked up the sidewalk. I looked over at him, and his eyes were sparkling with reassurance. We walked up the front steps and I knocked on the door, banging the brass knocker hard, but there was no answer. Josh and I glanced at each other and tried it again after a few seconds, but there was still no answer. "Josh?" 

"Look," he said, pointing. 

I felt like an idiot for not noticing it at first, but I had been so keyed up when we walked up to the door that all I could see was the knocker. The door was one of those old-style ones with tall, narrow windows on either side of it, and the one on the right had hours of operation frosted into it. The offices were closed today, and only open in the afternoons the other four days of the week. I cursed inwardly, realizing that a phone call would have told us that. Before I could do anything else, though, Josh hugged me tightly. 

"Stop beating yourself up," he said. "This is a stall, not a roadblock. It doesn't matter that you didn't call. We have all the time we need to come back tomorrow." 

"How do you know me so well?" I asked, burying my nose in his hair for a second. He smelled so fresh, but also kind of musky. He smelled comfortingly, reassuringly, like my Josh. 

"It comes from love," he said, leading me back to the car. We both sighed as we climbed into the back seat. Disappointed, I wanted to lean on Josh for a while, and soak in his presence, even if Andrew did insist that we wear our seatbelts in the back for safety's sake. 

"Well, guys, what do you want to do now?" Andrew asked. "It's too early for dinner." 

"Let's go to the hospital," I said, looking at the clock. "Maybe we don't need Mr. Favato after all." 

The hospital was my second plan. I knew that I needed one, in case the lawyer didn't want to help me. Although I had been tentative about coming out here, now that the plane had landed I was ready to go all out to solve this, and find out whatever we could. More than anything, I just wanted to know. I was ready to follow any trail, run down any path, and I was ready to do it now. Josh, sensing my resolve, squeezed my hand, and watched me carefully for signs of stress. He didn't say it, but I knew he was worried about the strain. Later I would probably start worrying again about whether or not my family would like me, but right now I just wanted to know who they were, and how to find them. We pulled into the visitor spots at the hospital. 

"We need to find the information desk," I said, as the three of us got out of the car. I figured we would look more important if I had an entourage. "They must have a records clerk here or something. All we need to do is ask to see the birth records for my birthday. Those are public information, right?" 

"I think so," Josh said, shrugging. "They put them in the paper." 

Like the lawyer's office, though, this wasn't so easy, either. Josh and I sat in padded chairs across a large desk from the Chief of Records, or whatever her title was. She was an older woman with her hair drawn into a stern bun, and she sat across from us in hospital white with her face completely devoid of makeup. Her nails were cut practically short, without polish, and I found myself staring at them as she explained why she wouldn't be able to help us. 

"While the matter of births is one of public record, I'm afraid that I can't release specific information about patients," she said, pursing her mouth. 

"I don't really understand," Josh said. Andrew was waiting against the wall next to her door, out in the hallway. "What exactly can you tell us?" 

"I can tell you how many births of either gender took place at the hospital on the day in question," she answered, speaking very slowly to Josh as if she thought he might be some sort of an idiot. "And that's all I can tell you." 

I couldn't speak for a second, feeling my stomach drop like an elevator. Why was she being so clinical? 

"But they put birth announcements in the newspaper," Josh said, the same point he had raised in the car. 

"Those announcements are submitted by the people in question," she said, frowning. "We cannot release that information to you. It's a violation of doctor patient confidentiality, and it's against the policies and procedures here at the hospital. I understand that this might be somewhat upsetting for you to hear." 

Josh and I sighed and glanced at each other. I was frustrated, and I knew he could tell. I just felt like we were so close, like the answer was right there, and I just kept getting blocked, first by the lawyer, and now by this woman. The records were in the room right next to her office, for God's sake. She even had a connecting door, and all she would have to do was walk over there and look up the files. There had to be a way around this, a way to appeal to her. I just needed to figure out what it was. I was still staring at her hands, and noticed that there were no rings. Wheels in my head started turning. 

"Ma'am, I know that, you know, those rules exist for a reason, and that you have to follow them," I began, hoping that winging it might work. I didn't really have a choice, and she's already said "No", once, anyway. "But it's easy for you to say that. You know who you are. You know where you came from. You don't have to wonder what kind of people made you, or why they didn't want you. You go to sleep at night knowing full well who your parents are. Even if you don't like them, or don't get along, you at least know their names." 

"Look, I'm very sorry," she began, looking a little uncomfortable. I wondered if I could manage to work up some tears. If she'd been adopted, too, the little speech I just gave her wouldn't have worked, but luckily the odds had been in my favor. 

"I know you are, because I can tell you're the kind of lady who would help us," I said, nodding. I didn't look at Josh, because I didn't want to see his reaction to the blatant emotional appeal I was pulling. "I mean, just look at you. You're nice, and kind, and you've tried really hard to help us as much as you can. You've explained everything to us so carefully, and we appreciate that. Your kids must love you." 

She looked away for a second. 

"I, I don't have any children," she said quietly, and I felt Josh squeeze my hand. I still wouldn't look at him. 

"And I don't have a mother," I said, praying I wasn't going to hell for this. "I was adopted by people who didn't want children, and didn't know what to do with them. I never wanted anything, not physically, but I never had any love. I've never known what it's like to have your mother tuck you in and kiss you good night. I've never known a mother's love, not really, and this is my chance to. This is my chance to find something I've looked for my whole life, something I've searched for." 

"I do feel badly for you, honestly, but I can't give out that information," she sighed, looking pained. "I really am very sorry." 

"I know," I said, looking down at my lap. "I mean, it must be so hard for you to tell me that. You work at a hospital, after all. You want to help people, and here I am, looking for help, and you can't really do anything for me, no matter how badly you might feel about it. I couldn't ever ask you to compromise yourself like that, because I can see that you're the kind of woman who stands by her principles, and does what she thinks is right, and I respect that. I've kind of always liked to hope that my mother might be something like that." 

She sighed again, and I wondered if this really was working, or if I was reading her completely wrong. Josh had my hand in a death grip, and I could feel that he was pissed, probably because he was disappointed in me. It was easy to think that, since I was disappointed in myself for stooping this low. Josh and I had built our relationship on honesty, and it was very important to both of us. What I was saying right now wasn't dishonest, exactly, but it still felt dirty, and I didn't like doing it. That was the difference between Josh and I, though. I might not like it, but I'd do it if I thought I had to. I wanted to go shower for a couple of hours when this was over. 

"Since you've tried so hard to help us, we should do something nice for you, too," I said, turning to Josh. His face was neutral, or at least would be to her, but I could see the lines around his mouth, and the little frown crease between his eyebrows. "Right, Josh?" 

"Right," he said evenly, nodding slightly. 

"That's really not necessary, " the records woman said, her head tilting to the side. 

"No, no," I said, as we all began to stand. "It's the really the least we could do. I was just thinking that, you know, you must have some patients in the children's ward upstairs who would be thrilled to meet Josh. Why don't we go up, and just do a quick run through to brighten up their day? Then, you know, we could let you get back to your work, and we could be on our way." 

Josh's hand convulsed tightly around mine, practically snapping the bones. I continued to smile sweetly, as if I weren't in intense pain, but I had them both, now. Josh might be pissed at me, but he wouldn't take it out on sick children. 

"You wouldn't mind?" she asked him, her eyes lighting up. Thanks for helping, lady. "You'd really do that?" 

"Of course I would," Josh answered, smiling at her with that beaming charm that melted women of a certain age. 

"Why don't we go up right now?" I asked, grinning. "We don't want to interrupt the dinner hour, or their time with their families." 

"That's so thoughtful of you, " the records woman said, coming around her desk. The three of us stepped out into the hallway, where Andrew had been patiently waiting. "The elevators are this way." 

Josh and I walked along, the records woman on his other side, and I didn't look at him, even though I could feel his eyes drilling into me. Andrew, behind us, didn't say anything either, but I knew he had heard everything in the hallway, and I wondered what he would think. He was a little more practical minded than Josh, so he might be kind of ok with it, but I still felt like a dirty schmuck for playing on this poor woman's frustrated sense of motherhood. At least I hadn't outright lied. When we turned the corner of the hallway I played my last card. 

"Oh no!" I said, looking panicked. Everyone glanced at me. "I left my bag in your office!" 

The record woman looked at me, her eyes narrowed a little, and I looked straight back, trying to make my face as entreating and pitiful as possible. I'm not good at looking needy, or, at least, I like to think I'm not. 

"You'd better go get it, then," she said quietly. "Why don't you meet us up on the third floor?" 

"We will," I said, smiling. "Thanks." 

"Andrew, go with him, please, " Josh said. I could tell Andrew didn't like splitting up, but maybe Josh thought he would keep me out of further trouble. As we rounded the corner, heading back to the office, Andrew spoke. 

"That was interesting," he said neutrally. His face looked amused, but still controlled. 

"Don't start with me," I grumbled. "I'm already going to get yelled at later, ok?" 

"I didn't think you had it in you," he said, chuckling a little. 

"I'm just full of surprises, " I said, scanning the hallway. No one was around, and I didn't see any cameras. I opened the office door, and pulled Andrew in with me. Crossing the office, I had my hand on the doorknob of the records room when I felt Andrew's hand on my arm. I turned to him. "What?" 

"Jack, you're about to break into the records room of a hospital," Andrew said bluntly, giving me this weird look. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" 

"We're not breaking in," I rationalized. "The door is unlocked, and the woman clearly knows that I'm going in here. If anything, you're just bettering the odds that we get caught by slowing me down." 

"Regardless of whether or not that poor woman you just played knows you're going in here, this is still unethical, if not illegal," Andrew said, folding his arms across his chest. I hated staring up at him, especially when he was right. 

"Look, Andrew, your moral outrage is duly noted, ok?" I snapped, annoyed. We were so damn close. "I'm not telling you to come in with me, or to help. Go wait in the hall if you don't want to be a witness, ok?" 

"I never said that," Andrew said, smiling a little. "I just wanted to make sure you're aware." 

"Oh, I'm aware," I said, opening the door. I looked inside to see if anyone else was around. The room looked kind of like a library, with bank after bank of cabinets, and I flicked on the lights, stepping inside. Andrew followed me, carefully closing the door behind us. 

"Now what?" he whispered, his eyes scanning for other doors and windows. 

"I don't know," I said. "We have to figure out how this is set up." 

Splitting up, Andrew and I began to look through the files. The first wall we found was all patient files, in order by name. That wasn't going to do us any good, since I was born here without one, but we checked under "Springer" just to be sure. Fanning out, we began randomly opening cabinets, trying to find anything that might be done by date. The records room had been set up in what was apparently the former basement, which meant that the banks of cabinets rolled on into the darkness, lit by hanging ceiling lights. I couldn't believe that nothing here was on microfiche, or on computers. Maybe we needed to send them a grant or something. 

"Jack!" Andrew called excitedly. "Come here! I've got something!" 

I jumped up from my drawer of old ward logs and ran over, peering over his shoulder as he knelt on the floor. 

"Look," he said, gesturing. "I found the logs from OBGYN. They're in order by date. When's your birthday?" 

"Andrew, if I wasn't taken I could kiss you," I said after I gave him the date. 

"I don't think I'd like that, but thanks," he said dryly, closing the drawer and dropping down to the next one. "What time were you born?" 

"There wasn't a time on the birth certificate," I said, shaking my head. Andrew frowned. 

"Go over to the patient files," Andrew said. "There are only four boys for the day you were born. If I give you the names of the mothers, maybe you can look them up, and we can cross reference or something." 

"Good idea," I said, hurrying over. On my way I noticed a photocopier tucked against the wall. "Go." 

Andrew began calling off the names, and I went to the folders. The first one was a strike out, and I swore softly. 

"What?" Andrew asked. 

"There's a birth certificate in here for the boy," I said. "Blue eyes and blond hair. Give me the next name." 

The second one had a notation for a birth, but no certificate. The files on the whole seemed a little slipshod, not surprising considering they were all on paper, but I thought it was promising just the same. The top page had name and address information that was dated three years ago, meaning it could still be current, and I excitedly photocopied it. Andrew gave me the next name, which was also missing a birth certificate. Worse, the address information in the file was almost as old as I was, but I copied it anyway. Even if it wasn't current, it was a start. Andrew read off the last one, but I didn't copy it. 

"No dice?" Andrew asked. 

"The baby was, um, the baby died," I said sadly. "It's not me." 

Both of us were quiet for a second, thinking about the poor baby that hadn't lived. I don't know why it struck such a chord with me, but I felt even worse suddenly. Andrew tapped my shoulder as I stuffed the papers into my bag. 

"We better get out of here," he said. "I think we're running out of time." 

Andrew turned out to be right. As the elevator opened on the third floor we almost collided with Josh and the records woman, who were chatting animatedly as they waited for it to arrive. When they saw me she smiled warmly, but I caught an edge of frost in Josh's gaze as I apologized for taking a little detour. The visiting had apparently gone very well, and the nurses on the floor loudly called thanks to Josh as the two of them got in the elevator. He thanked the records woman for taking the time to talk to us, as did I, and she thanked him for stopping to see the children. We got out at the lobby, waving goodbye to her, and she wished me luck with my search. As the elevator doors closed, Josh's smile dropped. 

"Josh?" I asked quietly. He glanced at me for a second, and then turned to Andrew. 

"Could you take us to the hotel, please?" he asked quietly. 

"Sure," Andrew answered, glancing back and forth between the two of us. Josh turned to me as we walked to the car. 

"Did you get everything you needed?" he asked, his voice still holding that sharp edge. Josh and I hadn't fought since the early days of our relationship, when he had asked me after our first weekend if I would move in with him, and I had refused. I wasn't sure of what to do, or say, so I just answered. 

"I think so," I answered quietly. Josh stepped past me to get into the front of the car, leaving me to sit alone in the back seat, and I felt very small. 

"Good," Josh answered, not looking at me. Andrew glanced at me in the rearview mirror, but his eyes, as always, were unreadable. 

When we arrived back at the hotel, we climbed out of the car, and I stood by Josh, not sure if I should take his hand. I needed to talk to him, needed to get this out, because this was killing me, and he had completely frozen me out. I'd seen him do it to Justin when he was mad at him, and had seen him to it to Stan, but I never thought he'd do it to me. I'd hurt him, really hurt him, and I didn't know what to say or how to fix it. I wasn't even completely sure of what I'd done wrong. 

"Do you want to get some dinner?" Andrew asked. "I don't think this hotel has room service." 

"If we haven't called you in an hour, consider yourself free for the night," Josh said quietly. 

He turned and keyed open our room, and I followed him inside. As soon as the door was closed, I reached out, touching his shoulder, and he spun around, shrugging my hand away. 

"Josh?" I asked quietly, feeling my eyes water a little. His eyes blazed at me. 

"I've never, ever been so disappointed in you," he said, stepping away from me. He turned and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. 

---

CHAPTER 105

---

JACK'S POV: 

I sat on the bed, feeling hollow inside, certain that I had destroyed everything. Josh had never spoken to me that way, not ever. I heard the water running in the bathroom, and I stared at my hand, twisting my rings around and around on my finger, waiting for him to come out. I wasn't sure if he intended to, though, and I needed to see him, needed to make things right. I tapped softly on the door, but he didn't answer, so I walked across the room and sat on the bed, folding my hands. When the bathroom door finally opened, I looked up at Josh and saw that his face was wet, and his hair was a little wet around the edges, where he had washed his face. He stood in the bathroom doorway, watching me. 

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said. "I know it was wrong to play on that woman like that, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I know that it wasn't nice, but it didn't really hurt anyone." 

Josh sighed, and shook his head. 

"That isn't what hurt me, Jack," he said, not moving. "I mean, yes, I was a little disappointed to see you act like that. It's not something you usually do, and I know you only did it this time because you were upset, but that's not really why I'm unhappy, Jack." 

"Then what is it?" I asked, confused. "What did I do?" 

"You used me," Josh said. "You've never treated me that way before, never done that, and it hurt, Jack. You always told me that you loved me for me, for who I was, and today you used me, and it was like you stabbed me, Jack." 

I swallowed, hard, but I didn't really have anything to say, because he was right. I had used him, had played the celebrity card without even thinking about it. I had put JC before Josh, and in realization it stung us both. I saw him standing in the doorway and saw that I had wounded him deeply. I saw it in the slump of his shoulders, and the pain in his face. 

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I'm sorry. I wasn't, I didn't think. It was selfish, and it was heartless." 

"You never treated me that way before, Jack," Josh repeated, and when he looked up at me I saw tears standing in his eyes. "You treated me like a commodity, the way everyone else does, and it hurt. It was like I was looking at a different person, like a stranger. I love you, Jack, but for a second, for a second it was like you didn't love me the same way." 

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said, crossing the room. He held out his arms, and I folded myself into them, both of us leaning against each other. "I don't know what else to say, Josh. I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't mean to say it, but we were so close, and I knew the answers were right there, and I just, for a second I would have done anything, just to know. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never do that. I'm sorry, Josh, I'm so sorry. I love you too much to hurt you, too much to do that. I just, I got all caught up in it." 

"I know you didn't mean to, but it still hurt, Jack," he said softly, holding me. "You always say how important it is to you that you be your own person, and it is for me, too. Jack, when I'm with you, I'm not JC. I'm Josh. I'm the person that I am inside, the person that no one owns but you, the person that people don't buy and sell and feel like they all have a claim on. When I'm not with you, I feel, sometimes, like I'm not real, like there's nothing there but the celebrity. You've always looked past that, always not seen it, and looked beneath, and today, when you sent me upstairs to see those kids, you treated me just like everyone else. I would have done it if you asked, Jack, but you just pushed me into it, and it surprised me so much. It hurt me before I even had a chance to think about what you were thinking, or why you did it." 

"Josh, I told you, I couldn't think of anything else to do," I said, shaking my head. "I just, it was the only way. I did what I had to, Josh." 

"But that bothers me, Jack," he said. "It bothers me that you can do that, that you can just decide to be like that, and just do it. I can't really understand that, Jack. I don't know how you can treat people like that, no matter how upset you are." 

"Because it's not the kind of person you are," I sighed, squeezing him tighter. "And I love you for it, but Josh, you know that I've, you know, that I've been through things you haven't. The way I grew up, and the things I've had to do and go through, it can harden a person, Josh. And I know I don't show that side of myself to you a lot, but I don't show it to anyone, because I don't have to. I love you, Josh. I won't ever do that to you, or treat you that way, and I didn't mean to use you. I know I should have asked you, but there just wasn't time, and I did what I had to." 

"I know you weren't thinking about it, and that you weren't rational," he said softly. "I know that you're upset right now, and that this whole thing is affecting you, and that's why you did it. I'm not mad, Jack. I just, I didn't understand. I've opened myself up completely to you, more than I ever have to anyone, and today it felt like it was all a lie." 

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said, feeling his strong arms around my back, squeezing him hard with my own. "I don't know what I can say, I don't know how to make it better, but I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I hurt you." 

I felt Josh's heart beating hard beneath his t-shirt, his curved pec pressing against my cheek. His hands were soft, and they slid up my shoulders to my face, his fingers dancing along my jawline as he titled my head up. I stared into his blue eyes, seeing the tears standing in them, only a few slipping down his high, graceful cheeks. My own cheeks were wet as well, and my lip trembled as I stared at the face of the man I loved more than anything, wishing I could do something to take his pain away, knowing that I had caused it. Josh might be willing to believe that I had only done it because I was upset, but the truth was I hadn't thought about him at all, and that was unacceptable. Josh was the most important person in the world to me, and I could never let him be second, because he never did that to me. 

"Jack, don't say anything else," Josh said quietly. "I know you didn't mean it, and I'm not angry anymore. Let's not talk about this anymore, ok?" 

"No, that's not ok," I said quietly. "I'll never hurt you like this again, Josh, never. I'm not going to just forget about it. If you don't want to talk about it anymore, that's fine, but I'm not going to forget what I did, Josh. I'll make it up to you, I promise." 

"Jack, just knowing you didn't mean to, and that you're sorry, that's enough," Josh said quietly. "You don't have to make it up to me." 

"Yes I do," I insisted stubbornly. "But we're not arguing about this, ok?" 

"OK," he said, hugging me again. We stood like that for a minute, soaking in each other's presence, our heads on each other's shoulders, and then I felt Josh's breath on my neck as he spoke again. "Do you want to go get some dinner?" 

"Sure," I breathed, relieved. "Let's go get Andrew." 

Over dinner, at a Tex-Mex place we had spotted up the road, Josh asked what Andrew and I had found, and I took the folded sheets out of my bag, explaining what had happened. 

"Andrew was a big help," I said, unfolding the papers between us, pushing the nachos and salsa out of the way. "Honestly I probably wouldn't have been able to find this by myself." 

"Thanks, Andrew," Josh said, smiling at him. Andrew shrugged, looking almost uncomfortable. 

"What's a little lawbreaking among friends?" he asked, smiling a little. Josh's eyebrow went up a little at hearing Andrew call us "friends", when the other day he had explained to us that he saw us as "clients", but he let it pass. I squeezed his hand briefly, to let him know that I caught it, too, and we both smiled. "So what are we going to do?" 

"Well, we have these addresses," I said. "The lawyer doesn't open until the afternoon. Maybe in the morning we could, um, maybe we could go to these places." 

"Miss?" Josh called, waving the waitress over. "Do you have a phone book we could borrow? Thanks." 

When she brought the phone book we looked up the last names, cross checking the addresses. For the newer one, there was still someone with that last name at that address, but the one with the older address had no listing in the phone book. No one in town had that last name, not in the entire phone book. 

"Maybe she got married," Josh suggested. 

"Or moved away," I said pessimistically. "Look how old the address is. She's probably gone." 

"Or just really healthy," Josh suggested hopefully. "And we still have the other one. In the morning, why don't we start there? We'll go back tonight and get a good night's sleep, since it's been such a long day, and then, if you still want to, we'll go try to find Darleen in the morning." 

"OK," I said, folding the papers back up. My mom could be Nancy, or she could be Darleen. Or there could be another record lost in the tangled paper morass of that archive room. When we finished our dinner and drove back to the hotel I gave Josh a quick kiss on the cheek before stepping back out into the hallway. "I'll be right back. I need to ask Andrew something." 

I'd thought of this during dinner. I wanted to make it up to Josh for what I had done, but I wanted it to be a Josh gesture, a grand romantic gesture, the kind of thing that would let him know how much he meant to me, how deeply sorry I was, and how much I loved him. Since I was trapped in the room with Josh all night, I needed to enlist some help, and it might as well be my partner in crime. When I tapped at his door he opened it with his cell phone in his hand. 

"Oh, is this a bad time?" I asked, not wanting to interrupt his call. 

"No, no, Jack," he answered, folding the phone closed. "I was about to call someone, but it can wait. Did you need something?" 

"I need your help," I said, holding out my credit card. 

The next morning I was awakened by a knock at the door as Josh snuggled against me from behind. I glanced at the clock and saw that Andrew had gotten it right on time, so I nudged Josh awake with my arm. 

"Baby, get the door," I whispered. They knocked again. "Hurry." 

Sighing, Josh pulled himself out of bed and stepped into one of the pairs of pants we'd flung onto the floor the night before. Tugging a t-shirt over his head, he opened the door as I pulled the sheet demurely up to my waist, sitting up in bed. The hotel was one of those outdoor two story block models, with the walkway outside, and sunlight spilled through the doorway around Josh as he squinted at the delivery guy, who was holding a large vase of red roses. 

"Josh Chasez?" he asked, and Josh nodded. "These are for you. Have a good day." 

"Jack?" Josh asked, turning to me with the flowers in his hand. He was beaming over the top of them. 

"I'm sorry about yesterday, Josh," I said, smiling. Josh's eyes started to water, and I knew I'd hit my mark. 

"Jack, you didn't have to do, " he began, but was cut short by another knock at the door. Opening it, I saw another florist, with another bouquet. 

"Josh Chasez? Sign for these, please." 

Josh turned back to me, roses in both hands now. Before he could say anything, though, there was another knock, followed by a second before he could even open the door. Josh was speechless as a second, third, and forth dozen roses were pressed into his hands, and I slid out of bed during one of the brief pauses while the door was closed to dart into the shower. Andrew had followed my instructions to the letter, and I laughed to myself as I heard Josh opening the door again. When I sauntered out of the bathroom, my towel wrapped around my hips, I laughed as I saw him trying to lay out clothes for me without knocking over the vases holding twelve dozen red roses. Josh dropped a pair of alligator cowboy boots loudly on the floor as he crossed the room to scoop me up in his arms, crushing my wet chest to his, and I laughed as he lifted me off the floor and spun me around. 

"I love you, baby," he said, lowering me to the floor to kiss me. "I can't believe you did this." 

"I love you, too, Josh," I said, kissing him back, pressing my lips to his. "And I'm sorry I hurt you, babe. I'll never do it again, I promise." 

"I know, Jack," he whispered, just holding onto me. "I know. This is the sweetest, most surprising thing that anyone's ever done for me." 

"It was when you did it for me," I said, grinning. "Besides, I thought the makeup sex last night was pretty sweet, too." 

"Yup," Josh agreed, blushing a little. 

"Don't go shy on me now, Officer Josh," I said, laughing. "I can't believe you packed that police hat." 

"I'm just glad those handcuffs didn't bruise your wrists," he said, stepping away. "Why don't you get dressed now, and I'll shower up, and then we can go grab Andrew for breakfast." 

"OK," I said, turning to the bed. I could see it was another themed outfit today, but I got dressed without protest. After Josh did as well, though, I couldn't help giggling at the two of us. "We look like extras from 'Hee Haw', Josh." 

"I just thought that it might be fun, since we were out west, to look kind of western," he said, smiling, as he took my hand. 

We definitely looked kind of western, in our matching painted on jeans and denim jackets. Beneath mine I had a blue gingham shirt, and Josh had one in pink. We had wide belts with shiny silver buckles, mine decorated with turquoise, and cowboy boots, mine the alligator ones I'd seen before and Josh's snakeskin. I drew the line at cowboy hats, wondering how Josh had managed to pack them without them getting crushed or wrinkled, and he looked a little crestfallen, but went along with it. Andrew burst out laughing when he saw us. 

"Oh, crap, the gay rodeo's in town and I didn't buy any tickets!" he said, guffawing. I snickered behind my hand as Josh attempted to maintain his dignity. 

"They're not that bad," he said, pulling me along toward the car, our arms laced together. 

"No, you're right," Andrew agreed. "They just look like you stole them from a photo shoot for your last tour. Let's go get some breakfast, cowboys." 

"I prefer the term 'cowpoke', thank you," I said. 

"I bet you do," Andrew said, smiling. Josh was blushing now, so I let it drop. 

Over breakfast, we avoided talking about where we were going next, which left us without much to talk about. Yesterday I had been all gung-ho and ready to go out and find this woman, but yesterday it had seemed like a game. This morning, it suddenly seemed very real again, and I wasn't sure how I felt. I was starting to doubt again whether I really wanted to do this, whether I really wanted to face the woman who gave me up. Honestly, what right did I have to show up at her door and demand answers? Josh sensed me wavering as I sliced up my French toast, and laid his hand over mine, waving Andrew away from the table for a minute. 

"Jack, remember, we don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said quietly. "We've come this far, and if this is as far as you want to go, we can always come back. It's all up to you, Jack." 

"I know," I said, staring into his eyes. Just like that, everything I'd done yesterday, everything I'd said to hurt him, was gone, and he was back to worrying about me. Josh was such a better person than I was. "I'm just a little nervous, ok? I just, I'm worried that this is going to eat away at me if I don't face it, but I'm also afraid of what's going to happen when I do." 

"Jack, whatever happens, you'll still have me," Josh said, leaning forward to rest his forehead against mine. "We'll still be here, and we'll still be a little family all by ourselves, ok?" 

"OK, Josh," I sighed. "Better tell Andrew he can come back over, before his eggs get cold." 

"So what are we doing?" Andrew asked, sitting down. 

"Well, we have that map of town," I said, thinking of my bag in the car. "Why don't we go find the house, and drive by, and figure it out from there, ok?" 

They both nodded, and I felt a little relieved. Neither of them was going to push me, but I was going to have to push myself. When breakfast was over we piled into the car, Josh sitting in the back with me, his fingers laced through mine as I flipped nervously through the pages, helping Andrew navigate. After a few wrong turns, caused more by me not reading the map correctly than by any issues with Andrew's driving, we found ourselves on a quiet side street. The houses were long, low, ranch style, with nice yards. Everything was very well kept, and the driveways were full of minivans and children's toys. All in all it looked like a very nice neighborhood, the kind of normal suburban sprawl that lots of kids grew up in, the kind of place where dad came home from work to see mom and the kids and the dog, and everyone smiled and had a great day. As much as I'd found Bowie creepy, part of me also wanted to live in a place just like that. A place that looked like this. After circling the block once, I asked Andrew to stop across the street from the house. 

"Jack, are you ok?" Josh asked, pushing my hair back from my forehead as the three of us stared out the window. 

The house was a low, white stucco one story, with a bright green lawn and rosebushes near the door. There was a car, a burgundy station wagon (although in this neighborhood I would be willing to bet it was either "cranberry bog" or "wine red"), in the driveway, but I couldn't tell through the curtains if anyone was home. I glanced at the house next door, and saw the newspaper on their step. There wasn't one on the step of the house, meaning that they were either awake, or that they didn't get the paper. I squeezed Josh's hand, and unbuckled the seatbelt. Josh looked at me, his face neutral, his eyes wide and concerned, as I reached for my door handle. 

"Do you want us to wait in the car?" Josh asked, willing to let me play this however I chose. 

"No," I said, taking his hand. "Andrew, if you wouldn't mind waiting here. Josh, please, please come with me. I don't want to do this by myself." 

Josh looked at our hands, at the silver bands glinting on his fingers as they laced through mine. 

"What about, you know, what we talked about before?" Josh asked. "The other night. What about that?" 

"I don't care," I said, shaking my head. "I love you, and I need your support. You're more important to me than whatever I'm going to find here, Josh. Please, please come with me." 

"OK," he said, sliding out of the car. 

Andrew watched carefully as we crossed the street and walked up the sidewalk to the door. My heart was pounding, and I felt a little unsteady, but Josh was right there with me, holding my hand. Swallowing hard, steeling myself for disappointment, I reached out and rang the bell. We heard chimes call through the house, but no one answered, so I rang again. There was still no answer, at least not inside the house, and I felt an urge to start pounding on the door, beating it with my fists. Josh squeezed my hand, and I turned to him, feeling very frustrated again. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I had thought that there wouldn't be much work to this, that the plane would just land and it would be like BAM! There she is! Every time we ran into an obstacle I just wanted to scream. As I opened my mouth, not sure what I was going to say, the two of us froze, hearing a woman's voice call out to us. 

"I'm around the back!" she yelled. She sounded vibrant and friendly, and must be very happy and trusting to just yell to a faceless stranger at the door that she was in the backyard. "Come on around the side!" 

I took Josh's hand, and we began to walk around the side of the house. I was so nervous that I was shaking, and Josh squeezed my hand tightly as it trembled in his. The effort of just putting one foot in front of the other as we walked along the wall seemed Herculean to me, and I realized that I was holding my breath. I let it out in a long, slow exhale, trying to stay calm as we turned the corner, and saw her, Darleen, kneeling on a pad next to a rose bush. She had on shorts and a nice top, a wide straw hat, and her hands were carefully protected by floral patterned gardening gloves. She was pruning the bush in front of her, snipping off the yellowish pink roses, but there was also a little bundle of flowers on the mat next to her, as if she was going to bring them inside to arrange them. Her hair was all white under the hat, but she had a kind face, and she could be my mother. 

"Hello?" she asked, unsure but not afraid, as she looked up at us. 

"Are you, are you Darleen Santos?" I asked, not even introducing myself. My voice was a little unsteady, but I was holding it together. 

"Yes, that's me," she answered, her brown eyes ticking back and forth between Josh and I. A brown eyed woman could have a green eyed son, I thought randomly. "I'm sorry, but do I know you? You look familiar, but I'm not placing you. Are you boys from church?" 

"No, we're not from your church," Josh said. My tongue was frozen in my mouth. "We're." 

"Did you have a baby?" I asked suddenly, dropping down to my knees next to her. Josh's hands settled onto my shoulders, just holding them, as he stood behind me. "Did you have a baby boy at the hospital here in town twenty-six years ago?" 

"I'm sorry, but what is this all about?" she asked, looking back and forth between the two of us. She leaned back a little, as if debating whether or not we might be crazy, and Josh dropped down next to me, taking my hand again. "Who are you?" 

"My name is Jack Springer, and I was born here, twenty six years ago," I said, watching her face, staring into her eyes. "I was adopted, and I moved away, but I'm looking, I'm trying to find out, you know, who I am, and I, well, are you my mother?" 

She swallowed, blinking at us, and I saw the answer on her face before she spoke. 

"Jack, I'm sorry, but I'm not your mother," she said quietly, and I felt tears spring into my eyes. I don't know why I was crying, but suddenly I was blinking furiously to clear the water, to see her. I blinked as I felt her hand, removed from the glove, touch the side of my face for a second. "I'm sorry. I know this must be hard for you, but I'm not the woman you're looking for. My son, Tommy, lives over on the other side of town. I did have a baby, but my husband and I brought him home with us. I wish I could help you, but I'm not her. I'm sorry, Jack." 

"That's ok," I said, as the three of us stood. I turned to Josh and pressed my face to his chest, and I felt his arm curl protectively across my back. 

"Thank you," Josh said over my shoulder. His voice was firm, but I could tell that he felt bad for me. "We're sorry to have bothered you." 

"It's no bother," she said, holding the bunch of roses in her hand. "Good luck, though. I'm sorry I couldn't help you." 

"Thank you, anyway," I said, wiping at my eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying." 

The three of us laughed a little as she walked us around the side of the house. Later she would probably tell her family, her husband and her son, Tommy, about the odd thing that happened to her this afternoon, about the strange man with no family who had cried in the backyard because she wasn't his mother. They would have dinner, or watch television, or play with her grandchildren, and Josh and I would go back to the hotel alone. Maybe even later she would glance at a magazine from last week, and realize why we looked familiar, and she would tell her family that, too. Whatever happened, she still wouldn't be my mother. 

"Do you remember anyone else at the hospital?" Josh asked suddenly. I squeezed his hand in surprise, wondering why it hadn't occurred to me. "Anyone else giving birth? Maybe a woman named Nancy?" 

"It's been so long," Darleen said absently, glancing up toward the sky. "It's not the kind of thing you forget, though. There was a girl named Nancy in the waiting room with me, a younger girl. She talked to me for a few minutes, told me that she'd never had a baby before. I don't know what happened to her. I was ready to go, and they brought me in, and I didn't give her a second thought. I'm sorry." 

"That's ok," Josh said, hugging me to him. "Thank you so much." 

"Yeah, thanks," I said, smiling. 

Andrew didn't say anything when we got back in the car, but I think he could read our faces well enough to figure out what happened. If not, he could just guess based on the fact that we'd only been gone for five minutes. He started the car back up as I sighed and leaned against Josh again, and Josh wiped off my face carefully with a tissue, blotting up the tears on my cheeks. Andrew watched us in the rearview mirror, waiting for some directions, but I appreciated him giving us a little space for me to collect myself. I smiled at Josh. 

"You know, I never used to cry so much when I was by myself," I said, shrugging. "I guess you're thawing me." 

"That can't be a bad thing," Josh said, kissing me on the forehead. 

"Guys?" Andrew asked, clearing his throat a little. "What are we doing now?" 

Josh looked at me, holding my hand, waiting. 

"Let's go to the other house, " I said, picking up the map again. It was shaking a little in my hand, and I figured my body had probably just dropped a gallon of adrenaline into my bloodstream. "Drive down to the next intersection and take a right." 

It took us a little longer to reach the next address, as it was some distance outside of town. We left the suburbs and the green lawn, and the land got a little dryer. It wasn't sandy desert, like the picture I had in my head of the Sahara, but it was definitely rocky, dry country. The plants were smaller, scrubbier, and everything had a faded, sunbaked kind of tone to it. It was very pretty country, warm and dry, and the horizon seemed to stretch forever beneath the blue sky. I had a sudden urge to be out here at night, to tilt my head back, because I knew the sky would be full of stars here, with the air so clear and the lights of the cities miles away. A light breeze was kicking up as the three of us got out of the car at the next address, and stared at the place where the house used to be. 

There were still a few boards, gray and completely stripped of paint, and most of the chimney, leaning drunkenly to the side amid a shock of weeds. The foundation was still there, dark stone, and the tops of it were burned black, although it was impossible to tell how long ago. I walked all around it, stepping down the remnants of the driveway where we had parked, seeing the place that used to be lawn but which was now being slowly overtaken by the native plants, swallowed back into the landscape. Josh followed along quietly behind me, holding my hand, waiting for me to say something, and Andrew folded his arms and leaned back against the car. I closed my eyes and tried to see it, but it was impossible to imagine what the house would have looked like before the fire. There was nothing left. 

"Jack?" Josh asked finally, his hand settling onto my shoulder as I stared, trying to see floorboards, wondering if there had been a porch. There was a large tree in the back, with a faded spot on one of the large branches, and I wondered if it had held a tire swing, and how long ago. 

"There's nothing here," I said finally, turning toward the car. "She's gone, and we're at another dead end. I'm never going to find her, Josh." 

"Yes you are," Josh said, pulling me toward him. I rested my head on his shoulder and felt his arms sliding up my back, trapped between my shirt and the denim jacket. "We'll find her, Jack, we will." 

"There's still the lawyer," Andrew said loudly from the car. "He opens in three hours." 

Josh and I began to walk to the car. We needed to find something to do for the next three hours, and then we would go to see the lawyer. He would have our answer. He had to. I just wasn't sure, though, thinking about what had happened at the hospital, if he'd be allowed to give it to us. 

 

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