JC's Hitchhiker

 

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CHAPTER 71

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JACK'S POV: 

"Jack, I'm so sorry," Josh said, his firm arms around me as we sat on the bed. "I'm sorry I never came for you. I'm sorry I let this happen to you. I'm sorry, Jack, I'm so, so sorry." 

I put my hands on his chest and gently pushed him back a little, so that I could see his face, his beautiful tanned face, so handsomely expressive. I'd never be able to figure out how he could still look hot while he was crying. Me? I got red, blotchy eyes, my nose started running, and my face just looked wet and shiny. When Josh cried, though, it was somehow an enhancement. He still managed to look attractive, his sapphire eyes glistening beneath perfectly arched brows, while the rest of the world just got to look like crap. 

"Josh, stop it," I said firmly. "I'm going to tell you this right now, and then we're never having this conversation again, ok? It's not your fault. None of this. I've had more time to think about this than anybody, hours, just sitting alone on a mattress to run through all of this in my mind, and there isn't anything any of you could have done. Maybe if I hadn't wandered off by myself to sneak a cigarette this wouldn't have happened, or maybe if I'd answered the phone when you called, or maybe if you'd gone with me." 

"See?" Josh said, shaking his head. "See? This didn't have to happen." 

"Josh, you're missing my point," I sighed, brushing my hand through his hair. "What I'm trying to say is that there are a thousand maybes. There are a thousand ways this could have not happened, but this is what did. And with what happened, with the way that this all did go down, there wasn't anything you could do. I waited every day for you to come and get me, but there really wasn't any way for you to do it, Josh. There wasn't any way you could have known I needed you." 

"But Jack," Josh began, pushing back my hair. I couldn't believe he was touching it. It was so stringy and nasty. I caught his hand, pulling it away from my head and kissing the back of it. 

"No buts, Josh," I said. "This is Basil's fault, no one else's." 

"But I didn't come for you," Josh said, shaking his head. 

"But you're here now," I pointed out. "I've dreamed about this, Josh. I've dreamed about just being back in the same room as you, just feeling your arms around me. I've dreamed about being with you again, and you're here." 

"And I'll never leave you again," Josh said, holding me. I felt one of the monitor pads pressing into my chest. 

"Yes, you will," I said, and he stiffened against me, pulling back. I could read the question in his face before he even asked. "Josh, you'll go on tour again. You'll fly to shows, or appearances or whatever, and there will be times when I can't go with you. And Josh, it'll be ok. Don't say things now, while you're upset and afraid, that we can't keep, ok? We're not going to let this run our lives, Josh. We'll be a little more careful from now on, and maybe I won't sneak out without a bodyguard so much from now on, but this is not going to be our defining moment. Basil's taken two months from us, but I'm not giving him the rest of my life. I won't let him break me, Josh." 

Josh blinked at me, and I could see something in his eyes, something between understanding and surprise. 

"When did you, how did you get so hard, Jack?" he asked. "When did you get so strong?" 

"That's a story for another day, Josh," I said, caressing the side of his face with my hand. 

He thought I'd become this hard, strong person, but really this is how I'd been before I met Josh. He also didn't notice that I couldn't stop touching him. I kept reaching out, without even thinking about it, feeling his skin, smelling his cologne. I kept reaching out to him as if I needed to prove to myself that he was real. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that maybe I'd cracked after all, that I was still laying on a mattress in Basil's basement, and that this was all an elaborate fantasy cooked up by my addled brain. Josh smiled at me, and then reached for the thick, sludgy looking shake on the side table next to me. 

"I think you're supposed to drink this," he said, holding it toward me. 

"I have no intention of swallowing that," I said, wrinkling my nose. It looked like glue or something, paint maybe, and it didn't really smell like chocolate. Josh looked very serious, swallowing. 

"Jack, if you don't drink this, they want to put in a feeding tube," he said. 

"In that case, give me the straw," I said, grinning. Josh grinned back, and I leaned forward to take a sip as he held the glass for me. It tasted wretched, barely like chocolate at all, but I'd rather have this in my mouth than a feeding tube jammed down my throat. Josh looked really worried, so I smiled, shrugging. 

"Maybe if you just tilt your head back and swallow it really fast," Josh suggested. I smirked. 

"It'll be a little while before you get that kind of action, Big Daddy," I said, watching him blush. I'd missed his bashful, shy little laugh, too. "Just keep holding the cup, ok?" 

"Sure," he answered, smiling over the top of it. 

We heard a tapping knock at the door, and then a tall, white haired man leaned in. I felt a little flutter of panic, since I didn't know who he was, but he'd gotten past Hank, and Josh didn't seem to feel threatened by him. Maybe he was ok. 

"Welcome back to the land of the living," he said, smiling. "I'm Dr. Swan. It's a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, Mr. Springer." 

"Are you my doctor?" I asked foolishly. He sure seemed to be. I wanted to say something, but suddenly found myself babbling again. "I normally really hate hospitals, because, you know, of the smell and stuff, but this is really nice. Actually, this is the nicest room I've been in, inside a hospital, I mean, you know." 

"Jack," Josh said, squeezing my hand. "Settle." 

"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. "I guess I'm just nervous. Doc, am I dying?" 

"No, but you're going to have to take it easy for a while," he answered. 

"Since I'm not dying, can I stop drinking this?" I asked, waving my hand at the cup. "It tastes horrible, and, I mean, I just had a sandwich yesterday or the day before. I can handle solid food." 

"We want to start slow, until we see what your system can still tolerate," Dr. Swan said. "We're going to try to build you back up for a while, until we can get you stabilized. It's also going to be very important that you not overly excite yourself, or extend yourself in any way. I'm putting you on bed rest, and I expect you to follow that. And for now, only one visitor at a time." 

"Hey, wait," I began. 

"Jack, no offense, but from what I've seen, this is a rather, boisterous, group you have around you," he said, smiling. "We can talk it over again later, but for now, one at a time. I mean it." 

I could see that I wasn't going to win this battle, but I was still pissed. I'd gone from one situation where I wasn't in control straight into another. When would I get to think for myself again? It might be the nicest, most expensive hospital room I'd ever been in, but I might as well still be in the basement. 

"Now then, there's a detective outside waiting very anxiously to take a statement from you," Dr. Swan continued. "I'm more than willing to tell him you're too weak right now, if you'd prefer to wait until morning." 

I looked at Josh, who shrugged. 

"You might as well send him in now," I said. "I'm not counting him as a visitor, though. Josh stays with me." 

Dr. Swan smiled at me. 

"You're a fighter, aren't you, Jack?" he asked, smiling. I nodded. "Josh can stay." 

Maybe I wasn't completely without control here. The detective introduced himself, taking Josh's chair as Josh sat on the bed with me. I asked if we could do this with the door open, so the others could listen. The detective was a little wary of this at first, but I explained that I didn't want to tell this story over and over, and it would really help me a lot to see them there. The others gathered around the doorway, all but pushing Hank aside, but he didn't seem to mind. I noticed Justin was missing, and was rather surprised to see Vlada there with Chris, but didn't have time to ask about either one before the detective started walking me through everything. 

Telling the story, the whole thing from the beginning, was a lot harder than I thought it would be. The detective kept probing, digging into things, and asking the same questions over and over. I know that he was just doing his job, and that he was just trying to get all of the facts, but it still hurt to have all those scabs ripped open again, when they had just barely begun to heal. Some of it left me embarrassed, like when I had to talk about the laxative night, or tell about bathing in the sink, and not being able to wash my clothes. I could see that the guys were upset, too. Several times I would hear them whisper things, swearing softly, and they would step away from the door for a second or two, collecting themselves. Several times, too, I found myself crying suddenly, unable to go on for a second, and Josh held me each time, cradling me to his chest, whispering over and over that he was here, right here. The detective gave me all the time I needed to collect myself, but he never shut off his tape recorder or stopped taking notes. 

The nurse came to check on me, taking my temperature and pulse, and eventually she brought me another shake, which I grudgingly choked down, giving serious thought to the feeding tube. She didn't call a halt to the questioning, so I assumed my heart rate and whatever else they were monitoring stayed within acceptable levels, and eventually the detective announced that he had enough for now. I was exhausted, but wished him a good night. The rest of the guys watched him go, and Josh got up to shut the door as they looked on in surprise. 

"Guys, can we have a minute?" he asked, and they nodded. Josh came and sat back on the bed with me, brushing my hair back again. "Are you ok?" 

"I don't know," I answered. "There's so much, Josh, that I just didn't want to think about ever again, so many things that I just told myself I'd get through and not think about anymore. I feel so tired, Josh, so drained." 

"Jack, I can't believe you went through all that," Josh said, and I could see that he was going to cry again. "I can't believe that you could be so strong, that you could hold onto yourself through all of that. I'm so, so proud of you, and I love you so much." 

"I love you, too, Josh," I answered, hugging him. "And that kept me going, Josh. I knew that I'd get back to you someday. I knew we'd be back together, and some days that's all I had." 

We were quiet, just holding each other, and I felt my eyes sliding closed. Josh caught it, too. 

"I'm going to have them set me up a bed in the room next door, ok?" he asked, pulling my sheet up over me. 

"Josh, are you sure?" I asked. Why would you voluntarily sleep at the hospital? It was like an open invitation for someone to come harvest your organs. "The guys have a hotel." 

"I don't want you here all alone," Josh said, leaning over to kiss my forehead. "If you wake up scared, I want you to be able to have me here. I'll be right next door if you need me." 

"I love you, Josh," I said, feeling my eyes water again. 

"I love you, too," he answered, standing uncertainly above the bed. 

"Can you let the other guys in to say good night?" I asked. 

"Sure," he answered. 

Joey came in first, hugging me tightly and wishing me a good night. He promised to see me in the morning. Chris came next, hugging me and asking if I needed anything. 

"Sneak me in some coffee," I whispered. "Good coffee." 

"I can't," he said helplessly. "It's prohibited on your diet. Caffeine." 

"Come on, Chris," I said, frowning, throwing in a mock-pout for good measure. "I'm dying here." 

"Not funny, Jack," he said, grinning anyway. "I missed you." 

"I missed you, too," I said, reaching out for him again. We hugged tightly. "We'll be running again before you know it." 

"Of course we will," he grinned. "As soon as we get you the hell out of Los Angeles." 

We both smiled again, and then he let Lance in. 

"Hey Lance," I said, holding out my arms. He hugged me so tightly I thought I'd hear a rib snap, and he began to cry against me again. "Lance, calm down." 

"I'm sorry," he said, wiping at his eyes. "I'm just so worried about you." 

"Lance, I'll be fine," I said, watching him wipe at his green eyes. "But if you keep crying every time you see me, I'm going to stop letting you in, because you'll make me feel like I just have this bad effect on you." 

"I'm sorry," he said, smiling through his tears. "Howie's been waiting all day to see you." 

"Better send him in," I said, laughing. "Good night, Lance." 

Howie was almost as bad as Lance. On a normal day Howie was always ready to sob at the drop of a hat, and I wondered if the two of them spent their dates crying together. I gave him the same speech about not crying around me, and he sniffled and tried to stop, but it was only temporary at best. I wished him a good night, and then was surprised to see Vlada come in, standing shyly by my bed. Considering the number of times I'd seen Chris walk her out to a cab, you'd think she and I would be better friends, but I'd hardly ever spoken to her. 

"Velcome back, Jacques," she said softly. 

"Thanks," I said, smiling at her. I'd always seen her carry herself with such poise it was odd to see her looking uncertain. "Take care of Chris for me, ok?" 

"OK," she answered, smiling. 

She walked away, and the last face in the door was finally Justin, who hadn't come in to see me at all. His hair had grown in some since I'd seen him, started curling up again, but he was still all radiantly tan and healthy. His eyes were still bright blue, but there was less sparkle, somehow. I couldn't put my finger on it, but he looked off, and he stared down at me as if unsure of what to do. I held out my arms, and he bent and hugged me quickly, pulling back almost immediately. What was going on here? 

"Are you ok?" I asked, and a flash of sadness passed across his face, blurring over his features like a cloud rolling across a field. 

"I had the same question for you," he said, which didn't really answer mine. "I'm sorry we didn't try harder, Jack. I'm sorry we gave up on you so quickly. I should have known you wouldn't leave Josh." 

"Justin, I've already had this talk with Josh, and a little bit with Lance," I said, shaking my head. "We're not having it over and over again, ok? I'm sure you guys did whatever you could." 

"I could have done more," he said, looking down. Why did he seem to feel so personally guilty about this? "There's so much I could have done differently. I'm sorry, Jack, but I'm glad you're back. Josh, Josh needs you, Jack. He needs you." 

"I need him, too, Justin," I said, watching him. He was in pain, but I couldn't figure out why. 

"He loves you so much, Jack, " Justin said, wiping at his eyes. "Don't ever forget that, or take it for granted, ok?" 

"Justin, I won't, but what's wrong?" I asked, reaching out for his hand. "Justin, we're friends. Please talk to me. Please tell me what's wrong." 

"Not right now, ok?" he asked, stepping back. 

"Justin, is it Britney?" I asked. I didn't want to bring it up, but some of the articles had mentioned their breakup. "I read about you guys. Are you ok?" 

"I'm fine," Justin blurted, and I could see that it was a lie. "Look, Jack, you need your rest, so I'm gonna go, ok?" 

"Justin, come back and see me tomorrow?" I asked, trying to figure out how I could open him up. It was obvious that he needed someone to talk to. Why wasn't he talking to Josh about whatever was bothering him? Had they had a falling out again? "I'm worried about you." 

"I'll be fine," he said, throwing on an obviously fake smile for me. "But I'll come see you tomorrow, ok? Good night, Jack." 

"Good night, Justin," I said. 

He passed Josh in the doorway, and I saw Josh lay a hand on his arm. 

"Justin?" Josh asked softly. 

"I'm fine," Justin repeated weakly. "Jack's waiting for you." 

Josh watched him go, standing with his shoulders slumped in the hallway as Justin walked out of my field of view. When Josh turned back to me, I could see that he was concerned, but it melted away when he saw me. He leaned down and kissed me, softly, on the lips, and it was everything that I remembered, slow and soft and tender. I wondered how long it would take for him to get worked up enough to throw some tongue in there, but I wasn't exactly the picture of hot sex at the moment. I needed to get better quick. 

"Josh, what's wrong with Justin?" I asked, taking Josh's hand. "He seems so sad." 

Josh swallowed, looking away for a second. 

"Justin is, um, he's really hurting right now," Josh answered, looking sad as well. 

"Why?" I asked. 

"It's a long story," Josh said quickly. He had that evasive look on his face, but I was too tired to push. He must have caught something in my face, though, because he sighed. "We'll talk about it tomorrow, ok? We'll talk about a lot of stuff. Tonight I just want you to get some rest, ok?" 

"Sure, Josh," I answered as he bent down to kiss my forehead again. "Josh, can we do anything to help him?" 

Josh looked away again, swallowing hard. 

"No, I don't think so," he answered. "Good night, Jack." 

"Good night, Josh," I answered. "I love you." 

I'd waited so long to hear him say it back. 

"I love you, too," he answered, grinning. After Josh walked away, Hank leaned in. 

"Hey, Jack," he said, waving. 

"Hank," I said, smiling. "I'm so happy to know you're out there in the hall." 

"It's good to see you back, Jack," he said. "I was actually leaning in to tell you I leave at eleven." 

"Who's coming in after you?" I asked, worried suddenly. I didn't want to trust someone I didn't know with my safety. I wasn't even capable of taking care of it myself. 

"Don't panic," Hank said, knowing me too well. "The guy who comes in after me is named Dom. He's a good guy, Jack. He's not gonna bother you, and he won't let anyone in but the guys. I'll be back in the morning, ok?" 

"OK, Hank," I said, trying to roll over without pulling the line out of my arm. This was going to be a huge pain in the ass. In the morning, I would try to argue them into taking this thing out. 

I was awakened several times in the night when the nurse came in to check me, and I tried to figure out when, exactly, I had become such a jumpy, light sleeper. When I woke up in the morning, Hank leaned in, smiling at me. 

"Jack, you have breakfast in an hour, but you have a visitor who's been waiting patiently for you to get up," he said. I assumed it was Josh. 

"OK," I said, shrugging. I think my jaw dropped when I watched Vlada come tapping across my room in her knee high leather boots. "Vlada? Where's Josh?" 

"At ze hotel, tekking a shower," she answered. She lifted a small case, about the size of a purse, or small tacklebox. She set it on the bedside table, and opened the top. I saw a selection of shiny, probably sharp objects glistening inside. "Now, ve haf work to do viz you, Jacques." 

Leave it to a model to know how to get me looking presentable in no time flat. As Vlada went to work on me, I found myself more than willing to just rest in her hands, and trust her. She filled me in on what had gone on in the world while I was gone, although most of her areas of knowledge included only the entertainment industry, as she carefully snipped at my hair, leaving it long, but making it presentable. For the first time in my life I let another person shave me, but it felt damn good to have all that hair off of my face again. She tweezed my eyebrows, and gave me a little aftershave from a tiny bottle, but I drew the line when she wanted to give me "just a little" color. She handed me a mirror, and I felt my eyes water with gratitude. I was still too pale, and too thin, but at least I looked presentable. She had done something to my hair, too, so that it looked less gross, but I needed to see about being allowed to shower, too. 

"Vlada, thank you," I said, smiling. 

"Enjoy breakfast," she said, smiling. She blew me a kiss as she walked out the door, presumably back to Chris's suite. I wondered if he'd sent her. 

I looked around, wondering when the nurse was coming in for the next temperature check, or blood pressure torture. I wondered if she might be adjusting the cuff somehow, as it pinched at my arm rather painfully every time she did it. Hospitals were evil, awful places. I remembered how the smell of them always got to me, even if this one didn't have that antiseptic scent that always found it's cloying, smothering way into my nose. I looked up, hearing the door open, but it wasn't the nurse. Instead, a large pile of greenery was pushing its way into the room, carried on familiar leather-clad legs. 

"Josh?" I asked, grinning. "What are you doing?" 

"You're sick," he answered. "When somebody's in the hospital, you bring them flowers, especially if that somebody is A: somebody you love; B: someone who is almost pathologically afraid of being in the hospital; and C: someone who just deserves flowers." 

Josh hadn't actually seen me yet, screened by what was apparently a potted rose bush or some sort of small tree, and when he set it on the dresser he turned back and stopped dead. His eyes lit up, and he had this look of complete surprise on his face. 

"Good morning," I said, smiling. Josh crossed the room, sitting on the end of the bed. He reached out, tentatively, and ran a hand up the side of my face, over my hair, stroking my chin. 

"What, what happened?" he asked, smiling. 

"Fairy godmother," I answered, leaning over to kiss him. 

"You look amazing," he whispered, kissing me on the forehead. "You look like yourself again." 

"Thanks for agreeing that I looked like crap yesterday," I smiled. He looked up quickly, and I realized that he must have forgotten how sarcastic I could be. Before he could say anything, the door swung open again, admitting the morning nurse with my tray. I wondered if I could get Hank to start blocking her. 

"Good morning!" she said brightly. "I brought your oatmeal, and a nice big glass of juice, and a milk, too." 

"The meal fairly glitters with possibility," I said dryly. Josh snickered, until she put down the tray and he saw there was enough for him, too. "Look, Josh, your oatmeal's here." 

I giggled as I watched him press a tip into the nurse's hand, and she stared down at it as if unsure of what to do. Finally she just tucked it into her pocket, but she threw him another weird look from the door. Josh and I ate breakfast quietly, mainly just soaking up each other's presence. He seemed nervous this morning, a little out of it, but I couldn't figure out why, and didn't want to push. Maybe he was still just unsettled by all of this. I asked how he'd slept next door, and he confessed that being in the hospital all night had been odd, but that the bed really wasn't that uncomfortable. 

After breakfast, I brushed my teeth and washed off my face, stepping carefully out of the bed and accepting the robe Josh held out for me. He followed me all the way across the room, waiting to take my arm, almost as if he expected me to stumble, and I tried to tell him that I wasn't that fragile. He was kind enough to push the rolling IV stand along for me, since I'd kind of forgotten it was there. I remembered that today I wanted to see about getting it taken out, and also wanted to ask when I'd be allowed to shower again. I hadn't been in a shower in months, and I was anticipating one with the same feeling that most little kids hold out for Christmas morning. 

The guys all stopped in to say hi after breakfast, and I implored them to please go out to enjoy themselves, and not hang around the hospital all day. 

"Jack, we're here for you," Chris said from my door, as Josh sat on the corner of the bed. 

"Chris, I know, and I appreciate it, but this is about as entertaining as the show is gonna be," I said, gesturing at the room and the bed. "Until I'm allowed to have more than one of you in the room at a time, there's really no point in you all waiting around the lounge for your turn to come in." 

"Are you sure?" Chris asked. "Because we really don't have much else to do, and there are way too many reporters out front for us to stay nearby. I just don't want to go too far until, you know, we know you're stable." 

"I'll be fine!" I snapped, seeing Josh and Chris both jump. "I'm sorry, guys. I probably sound really ungrateful, but I'm just not good at being like this. I can't keep having you guys treat me like I'm made of glass. I'm not going to break, Chris, I swear." 

Eventually Chris decided that they would split the day up a little, so that Josh could have some relief if he needed to get out for a while, and I could see all of the others, too. Joey, Lance, and Howie left to go out and buy me stuff, since no one had thought to bring any of my clothes, or anything for me to do. Justin and Chris were going to stay down the hall in the lounge, talking to management and helping us figure out what we were going to do. There were as many reporters calling now as there had been when Josh and I had come out, and I was dreading getting back on that merry-go-round again. Flowers started arriving as soon as I was up, from fans of the band and such, and I instructed the nurse to please save all of the cards while spreading the flowers out around the hospital. There must have been people who needed them more than I did, and I feared my room becoming jungle-like with greenery. 

After everything was settled I lay back on the bed, taking deep breaths. I wasn't used to having so much go on at once anymore, to having so many people around, and I felt a little overwhelmed again. For so long I hadn't seen anyone, and now there were suddenly people everywhere. Josh seemed to understand, as he closed the door, and then asked if I wanted the curtains opened. I agreed, as seeing the sky was still kind of a thrill, too. He pulled his chair up close to the bed, and pulled the tray table up. 

"What are we doing now?" I asked, curious, as he reached into his pocket. 

"We need to talk, Jack," he said, putting his closed fist on the table. "I have something here, something that you lost, but we need to talk before you take it." 

"What is it?" I asked, noticing how serious he looked. 

This was going to be bad, whatever it was. I heard a pair of taps as he opened his hand, and when he moved it away I saw our rings sitting on the tray table. I recognized mine immediately, with the nick on the side that I had never had fixed, and as I saw them sitting on the table, gleaming silver under the bright lights, I realized how much had changed. There was a time when I would have noticed immediately that Josh wasn't wearing his, but I hadn't caught it until I saw his sitting next to mine. He looked up at me, his eyes huge, and I waited to see what he would say next. 

"Jack, we have to talk about what happened while you were gone," he said. 

I nodded, waiting. 

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CHAPTER 72

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JACK'S POV: 

"Josh, I love you," I said, taking his hand. "Tell me a story." 

Josh smiled at me, but it was a sad smile. 

"Jack, I love you, too," Josh said, holding my hand. "I've loved you every day since I met you, and when I thought you left, it crushed me. I couldn't see anything, couldn't think. All I could do was wonder why you left, why you weren't here anymore. I didn't understand, and I didn't have anyone else to turn to. Jack, when you were gone, all the music went out of me, all the life. I couldn't see anything, and I didn't want to. All I wanted to know was why." 

"Josh, it doesn't matter now, " I said, wondering how many times he and I would replay scenes like this for the rest of our lives. If it wasn't me leaving, it was him, and even though we always came back, there had to be a limit, had to be a time when we wouldn't do this anymore. Even if we forgave each other, even if we always had our love to see us through, this couldn't be healthy, couldn't be a good thing. We loved each other, but love shouldn't do this to us. Maybe my feeling, so long ago laid to rest, that I was bad for Josh was right after all. 

"It does matter, Jack," Josh said, shaking his head. "Your love means the whole world to me, and sometimes it's all I can see. I know now that it was a trick, that it was all shit that Basil pulled, but then, I thought it was real. I thought you stopped loving me, and I didn't know how to go on. I started to just shut down. I was worried about you, but I thought you stopped loving me. I didn't know why, couldn't imagine what I'd done, but I thought you didn't care anymore, and I didn't know what to do, didn't have anyone if I didn't have you. And then Justin started to take care of me." 

I waited, already not wanting to know where this was going. Josh had loved Justin for so long, and it had been hard for him to let that go, finally. I hadn't had a problem with them staying friends, because they had always been best friends long before I came onto the scene, and I didn't want to get in the way of that. I also knew that Josh loved me, that it was me he wanted to be with, and not Justin. Or, at least, that it was me while I was here. Justin had changed so much, but when Josh was hurt, he always needed human comfort, always needed to have someone close, right there with him. If he reached out for Justin, and they both thought that I had left, would Justin have reached back? And could I fault them for it, if they both thought I was gone? It wouldn't have technically been cheating, but that didn't make it hurt any less. 

I realized that I was getting way ahead of the story, that Josh hadn't really said anything yet, but suddenly I knew. I remembered Justin's face last night, and him telling me never to forget that Josh loved me. Something had happened, but what? I needed the details before I could know how I felt. 

"Justin was taking care of me, and I needed someone to," Josh said, looking down. "You know how I am, Jack. I can be strong for you, when you need me, but I'm not like you. I'm not strong by myself. I, I'm not good at it. And Justin was taking care of me. I went to stay at his house, because all of your stuff was at mine, and I couldn't be around it, because all I could think about was you. Justin was the best friend to me that I could ask for, Jack. Every time I thought about you, I broke down, and every time I did, Justin was right there." 

I waited. I knew what Josh would have done, but where was Justin in all of this? What was his story? 

"And then Justin and Brit broke up, and Justin needed me, too," Josh said, still looking away. "We started taking care of each other, but I still loved you, Jack. I was there for Justin, and I held him when he needed just like he held me, but in my heart, there was still only you. Still, there was one night, when we were both drunk, and we'd both had a really bad day. I went into Justin's room to talk to him, just to talk, and I, um, I took advantage of Justin. He was just trying to help me, and I used him." 

"What?" I asked, blinking at him. Josh looked up at me, and I saw that tears were starting to trickle down his cheeks. "Did you and Justin?" 

"We did, Jack, and I'm sorry, but it isn't what you think, and it wasn't what Justin thought, either," Josh said, wiping at his eyes quickly. He looked at me, and I could tell he was in pain. I reached out, running my hand up the side of his face, and wiped at the tears under his eye. "I used Justin, Jack. He thought I was reaching out to him, but the whole time, I was pretending he was you. He put himself out there, opened himself up completely to me, and you know how hard that is for Justin. You know what it's like for him to trust anyone, to ever tell anyone how he feels about anyone, and he did it for me, and I took advantage of it." 

"I don't understand," I said. "How did you know Justin would want that? How did you take advantage of him?" 

If anyone had taken advantage of anything, I would have assumed it was Justin. If I had thought of Josh hurt, and vulnerable, I wouldn't have been all that surprised to see Justin take advantage of that. I know we'd forgiven him for Lance, and I knew he really was sorry for what he'd done, but Justin also always did what was best for Justin. My head was spinning to think of Josh acting that way. Josh was a hugger, a nurturer. Josh always had his feelings right out there on his sleeve, painted across his face. Josh would never take advantage of someone else, not my Josh. 

"Jack, Justin is in love with me," Josh said quietly, and I felt the earth stop. "I didn't know it, but Justin has always been in love with me, and he never acted on it, because he was afraid, and he didn't know how I felt. Justin loved Britney, and I think he still does a little, but he loved me, too. He just never acted on it, because he didn't want to come between us, but then you were gone, and he and I were both alone, and we reached out for each other." 

"Josh, are you and Justin together?" I asked. "Is that what you're trying to tell me? That you and Justin fell in love while I was gone?" 

"Not exactly," Josh said, running his hands through his hair. He and I both stared at the rings on the table. "Justin is in love with me, but I'm in love with you. I told him that, I was honest with him, and we thought we could live with it. We've been friends, and we've still been there for each other, but not that way. We've never slept together after that one time, because I don't love Justin like that." 

"Josh, how do you feel about him?" I asked. "Answer me that, honestly. Tell me what's in your heart, Josh, and don't worry about how it'll make me feel, or how it will make Justin feel. Don't worry about the way I am right now, or about feeling guilty for not coming to find me, because none of that matters. All I want to know is how you feel about Justin, and how you feel about me." 

Josh took my hands, and when I looked into his eyes I saw the same Josh that I'd fallen in love with. I saw the same warmth, and caring, but there was something else there now. There was a little bit of regret. 

"I love Justin like a brother," Josh said. "He's the closest friend I've ever had, and even more than that. I love Justin in a way that I can't articulate, a way that I don't have words for, but it's only a shadow of the way I love you, Jack. Maybe if you hadn't ever come back, I could have loved Justin more, I could have built a life with him, too, but I never would have stopped loving you. Every morning that you've been gone, I've woken up, and the first thing I've thought of is you. Every night, you're the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. I love you completely, Jack, with every part of me. Only you." 

I could see that he meant it, and I felt my heart going out to him. Josh would never give up on me, as long as I never gave up on him either. I glanced down at the rings, and Josh followed my eyes. 

"I didn't want to just put that back on, and just assume that things would go back to the way they were," Josh said. "I couldn't, not without telling you everything. I need to go get some air now, Jack, need to go clear my head, ok?" 

"Josh, wait," I said. He wasn't even going to give me time to answer him, to say anything? 

"Jack, you need to think, ok?" he said, wiping at his eyes again. "I've had a lot of time to think about this, and to know how I feel, but you haven't, and I don't want to put pressure on you. I'll come back, ok, and then we can talk then." 

"If that's what you want, Josh, but I can give you my answer right now," I said. I knew already what to say. There wasn't any other answer I could give. 

"No, you can't," Josh said, shaking his head as he stood in the doorway. "I love you, Jack. Only you." 

He was gone before I could say anything else. He might only love me, but I could see that he was torn, that he felt guilty. No matter what Josh said, I might never be able to convince him that he loved me enough, that whatever had happened while I was gone didn't matter. None of it mattered to me, really, not one thing that Josh had said. What he had done while I was gone wasn't his fault. Even though he thought I'd left him, he'd still done his best to be faithful to me, and that's all I could ask. Actually, that was more than I could ask. I didn't want him out wandering the halls. I wanted him back in here with me, damn it. I didn't need to wait, or think, or process. I needed to be with the man I loved. I was about to call Hank in, to ask for his phone since no one had given me a new one, when I heard tapping at the door. 

Predictably enough, it was Justin, the third player in our sad little drama. I read somewhere that all drama comes down to three players. I'd always thought it was two, or sometimes even one, but maybe whoever had written that was right after all. Here was the third side of our triangle, waiting for his chance to step out onto the stage. I'd heard from Josh, and I knew all of my lines, but what role was Justin here to play? 

"Can I come in?" he asked, waiting at the door. 

He looked the same way he had last night, tired, and dim somehow. It wasn't the way he had looked during the weeks when everyone was still mad at him, wasn't the empty, hollow Justin who had drifted so eerily among us then. Instead, it was a sad Justin, with pain in his eyes, and lines on his face. I gestured at the chair, nodding, and he walked in, looking around at the flowers, and then down at the rings. 

"He told you, didn't he?" Justin asked, and I didn't need to ask what he meant. 

"Yeah, he told me," I answered, waiting to see what he'd come to say. Maybe he could explain how this had happened. 

"Jack, he loves you," Justin said. "He loves you more than anything in the world. I've known Josh for a long time, and he loves you more than he's ever loved anything. Did he tell you that?" 

I nodded, waiting. 

"Jack, he was crushed without you," Justin said. "I didn't know how to help him, but I did the best I could. He never stopped loving you, though, never." 

I looked at Justin, reading the pain in his face, the hurt in his eyes, and I suddenly understood. Everything that Josh said was true, no matter how much I didn't want to believe it. 

"Justin, you love him, don't you?" I asked, taking his hand. "You really are in love with Josh." 

"Yeah, but he's in love with you," Justin said, squeezing my hand. "I don't know how Josh explained it to you, but I figured you'd want to hear it from me. Jack, Josh never let go. He never stopped loving you, like I said before. I realized that I loved him, and I tried to be there for him, but even when I was, he only wanted you. I might have taken your place physically, I might have been the one there when he needed a hug, or someone to hold his hand, but I never took your place in his heart, Jack." 

"But you fell in love with him anyway," I said sadly, shaking my head. 

Justin grinned ruefully. 

"I did," he answered, sniffling. "He even told me that he couldn't love me back, that he only loved you, but I didn't want to believe it. I fell in love with him anyway, and I kept hoping that he'd love me back, even though he told me all along that you were the only man he could think of. I gave him my heart. I've given more to Josh than I've ever given anyone. I trust him, and I love him more completely than I've ever been able to, than I've ever let myself love somebody, and he doesn't love me back. How's that for irony, huh? Me, the guy who doesn't feel anything, who only cares about himself, and who do I finally fall in love with? Someone who can't love me." 

"He does love you, Justin," I said. "It's not the way you want, but he loves you." 

"I know, but it's not the way he loves you," Justin said. 

"Justin, I wish this hadn't happened," I said, looking down. We were still holding hands. "I know how empty that sounds." 

"I know, but I know you mean it," Justin said, smiling at me. "I know you mean it, because that's the way you are. You're always the one watching out for all of us. You took care of Lance, even though he had only ever been mean to you. You even tried to take care of Peyton, God knows why. When everyone was mad at me, it was you who reached out first. I know you wouldn't ever let me get hurt if you could stop it, but this time I hurt myself. Maybe it wouldn't have happened if you were here all along, but it did, and now we just have to deal with it." 

"Justin, what's going to happen?" I asked. "Maybe Josh and I can go back to the way we were, but what about you? Where is that going to leave you?" 

"It doesn't matter where it leaves me," Justin said. "As long as Josh is happy, that'll be enough for me, and he'll be happy with you. You guys can pick it right up where you left off, because you still love each other, and everything will be ok." 

"Justin," I began, but didn't even know what to say. 

"I'm not going to fight you for him, Jack," Justin said. "I could be your enemy, but I'd rather still be your friend. I love Josh, but if I try to make him love me, it hurts everyone. If I let him go, if I love him enough to let him follow his own heart, no one gets hurt but me." 

"I don't want you hurt, either, Justin," I said, feeling my eyes tear. When had he gotten so fucking noble? Why couldn't he just still be the same old confusing, lovable but fucked up Justin that I was used to? 

"Yeah, but you've been hurt enough," he said, standing. "You and Josh love each other, but neither one of you is the sharing type, and we already tried that threesome thing. He loves you Jack, and you love him. Go be happy, and don't worry about me." 

He leaned over and kissed my forehead, pulling his hand out of mine, and then he walked out of the room. I watched him go, and wanted to call after him, but he was right. Everything he said was true. Maybe it wasn't what any of us wanted, but forces beyond our control had moved us all, and now we just had to pick up the pieces and keep going. 

"Hank?" I called, and he leaned in. 

"You ok?" he asked, his eyes darting to the bank of machinery behind me. 

"I'm fine," I answered, waving a hand. "Do you know where Josh is?" 

"He said he would be back in an hour or so," Hank answered. "Do you want me to call him?" 

I thought about it, and realized that Josh hadn't left because he thought I needed time. He would have known already what my answer would be, what my answer to anything he had to tell me would always be. He'd needed air to sort out his own feelings. If he needed that time, I'd give it to him. If he said he was coming back, he would. 

Unless he got kidnapped. 

"Hey, I caught that," Hank said, watching my face. "He's not by himself. So, do you want me to call him?" 

"No, that's ok," I answered. "Are any of the guys around?" 

"Chris and Justin just went down to the cafeteria, and the others aren't back yet," he answered, shaking his head. "Your doctor is coming soon, though, and then you have lunch." 

"Great," I said, frowning. "Sorry, Hank, that wasn't about you. I was just wondering if I could look forward to more oatmeal, or maybe even some soup." 

We both laughed, and then he let the door close. When Dr. Swan came, we argued some more about my care, but in the end I just had to trust him. I got him to agree that I could have more than one visitor at a time, ("I promise not to have a heart attack, ok?" "That's not funny."), but he wouldn't relent on taking the needle out of my arm. Realizing I couldn't win, I gave up, after also losing the argument over whether or not I could have coffee. 

"You can have as much as you want," he said, smiling. "Decaf." 

"I want real coffee!" I argued, but knew I wouldn't win. "It's bad enough looking at this list of food you won't let me eat, but can't I at least have something?" 

"You can have whatever you want," he said, smiling again. "After you've recovered." 

"The first thing I'm going to do is brew a pot of espresso, and drink the whole thing!" I called after him. I heard him and Hank both laughing in the hall. "I can hear you out there!" 

"We know," Dr. Swan called. "I'll see you around dinner time." 

After he left, I picked up my ring, turning it over in my fingers, and then slipped it on. It felt very loose, and I was afraid of losing it, so I buzzed the nurse, and asked her to bring me some medical tape. I wrapped it around the band, and it was now secure on my finger again, and once again I wouldn't be taking it off. I traced my thumb over the nick, and waited for Josh to return. I drifted to sleep at some point, for lack of anything better to do, barely aware of the nurse coming in for checks. You can get used to anything after enough time. When I woke up, for lunch, Josh was sitting by the bed. 

"I hear you've been giving your doctor some lip," he said, grinning. 

"Shut up and come here," I said. He leaned over, bending down, and I grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him up against me. I ground my mouth to his, pushing my tongue in, feeling him jump with surprise, and when I pulled back his eyes were wide. "I'm not going to break, Josh. From now on, when you kiss me, I don't want these little I'm afraid to hurt you kisses you've been giving out, ok?" 

"Um, ok," he said, grinning, wiping a little spit off of his mouth. "Are you ok, Jack?" 

"Josh, how could you think I wouldn't be?" I asked, holding his ring out to him. He put it on, smiling at me, and I saw his eyes watering again. "Josh, every day I knew I'd come back to you. You didn't know that, though. I can't hold it against you. So you slept with Justin, one time. It's not like we haven't done that before, and I guess I'd rather it was Justin than some total stranger, because at least you have feelings for him. I love you, Josh." 

"And I love you," he answered, kissing me again, a real kiss this time. "Jack, I know we're going to be ok, but what about Justin? I'm worried about him." 

"I am, too," I said. "He came in while you were gone, and we talked about you, and how much we love you. Josh, he knows that he'd always be the second choice in your eyes, and he wants you to be happy." 

"I know," he said, looking sad again. "But I want him to be happy, too." 

"So do I, but I think we're going to have to take it at Justin's pace," I said. "We'll have to be here for him, if he wants us to be. I don't want him to feel shut out, and I don't want to be in the way of the friendship you two have rebuilt. We'll just have to take it slow, one day at a time." 

"You're right," he said. "How should we start?" 

"Well, I have one idea," I said, taking a deep breath. "I've been thinking a lot about the day you gave me this ring, and the discussion we had, and now I've been thinking that, um, maybe the best way to show Justin we're still friends is to, um, ask him to be your best man." 

"Jack?" Josh asked softly, blinking at me. "I thought you didn't believe in, you know, that kind of stuff, for people like us." 

"Maybe I was wrong," I said, shaking my head. "Joshua Scott Chasez, wanna get hitched?" 

"Yes," he answered, without hesitating. "Yes." 

"I hope I'm not interrupting, " the nurse said from the door, breaking in on our kiss. "Lunch is here." 

"Thanks," Josh said. She set the tray down, and he hugged her. "We're getting married!" 

"Congratulations!" she said, grinning and shaking her head at him. His enthusiasm was overwhelming. "I'll be back later for the tray, ok?" 

"Sure," Josh said, sitting back down. He grinned at me. "We're getting married." 

"First we're having lunch," I said. While we were eating, I noticed a bag by Josh's feet. "What's that?" 

"Oh, I forgot!" he chirped, reaching down for it. "I got you a present. Close your eyes." 

I closed my eyes, and held out my hand. They popped back open when I felt him give me a phone. 

"I figured you wouldn't want the old one back," he said, shrugging. 

I felt my eyes watering. A cell phone was the very first present Josh had ever given me. In the course of our relationship, I was now on my third one, but he just kept buying them. I threw my arms around him. 

"I love you, Josh," I whispered. 

"I love you, too," he said. "Now finish up lunch. I have permission from your nurse to give you a sponge bath this afternoon." 

"Who says being in the hospital is no fun?" I asked, grinning. 

We went back to our lunch. Josh was practically dancing in his chair, and every once in a while he would just say, "We're getting married." I knew it was something he'd dreamed of, and he'd agreed when I said I wasn't in favor, but Justin wanted me to make Josh happy. This was the least I could do, especially for someone I loved so much. Josh and I were back together, and we would be ok. 

---

JUSTIN'S POV: 

"Are you sure you're going to be ok?" Chris asked, hugging me as I gathered up my magazine from the lounge. 

We had a long talk over lunch, where I told him everything I'd said to Josh, and then to Jack this morning. I let him know how I felt, and how I truly did want them to be happy, and through it all Chris had just listened and nodded, waiting to ask me if I would be ok. On our way back upstairs I let him know that I was going to go out shopping, or back to the hotel, just to clear my head and get this all off of my mind now that I'd gotten everything off my chest. 

"I think so," I said, shrugging. 

"Justin, they don't want to hurt you," Chris said, nodding his head toward Jack's room. "You know that, right?" 

"I do," I said, shrugging. "But right now it hurts a little just to be around them. Besides, they just got each other back. They don't need me in their space." 

Chris gave me a quick hug. 

"Don't push us away, Justin, ok?" he asked. "You're still my little brother." 

"I know," I said. "And I won't. I'll call you later, ok?" 

"OK," Chris said, watching me leave. 

I snuck out a side door of the hospital, avoiding the smaller, but still present, crowd of press. Walking along, I found a bench, and sat down, just watching the city, taking in the sights. I pulled out my phone to call for a car and almost dropped it when it rang in my hand. Checking the caller ID, I didn't recognize the number, but figured it had to be someone I knew, or they wouldn't have this one. 

"Hello?" I asked. 

"Justin, how are you?" Nick asked. You could tell he was smiling, and he sounded a little out of breath. 

"Nicky," I said, grinning. We hadn't hung out since that night I fucked him. "This is kind of a surprise." 

"Yeah, I know," he answered. "See, I was watching MTV, and I caught this thing about Josh's boyfriend on the news, and then I saw that you'd all flown out to see him, and I thought, 'Oh no. If he's back, Justin will be all alone and heartbroken,' and I just can't have that. What kind of a friend would I be?" 

"I never told you Josh was the guy I liked," I said, grinning. 

"I may be blond, but I'm not a complete idiot," Nick said, laughing. I heard him let out a little sigh, and wondered what he was doing. "So, are you ok?" 

"Honestly?" I answered. "I'm a little down, but I'm happy for them that they're back together." 

"Yeah, but it leaves you out in the cold," Nick sighed. "You know what the best cure for heartbreak is?" 

"What would that be?" I asked, knowing where this was going. 

"Wallowing in sin," Nick answered, still grinning. I could hear how much he was enjoying this over the phone. "There's nothing like a little meaningless sex to take your mind off your troubles." 

"Is that a fact, Nicky?" I asked, watching the cars go by. 

"Sure is," he answered. "Why don't you come over, and I'll prove it to you?" 

"Come over?" I asked, looking around. "Where are you?" 

"Well, it just so happens that I was so worried about my poor friend Justin that I got right on a plane," Nick answered, letting out a little groan. "Right now I'm in a suite at the Hilton, stark naked, flat on my back, while Susan, my flight attendant, is riding me like a cowboy at the rodeo. Say hi, Susan." 

"Hi," a female voice panted. 

"Um, hi," I said, feeling myself getting hard, picturing Nicky and some girl, naked and ready for me. 

"Susan says she's so worried about you, too, that if you come over, she'll do whatever she can to help you get over it," Nick purred, not bothering to control his panting any longer. "So will I, Justin. So, what do you say?" 

I thought about it for a second. I could sit on a bench in the middle of the city and think about Josh, or I could go over to Nicky's hotel and have them both however I wanted. Maybe there was something to Nick's idea after all. 

"Let me just get a cab," I said, standing. 

"We'll be right here," Nick said, hanging up. 

I'd think about Josh later, I decided. For now, there was nothing wrong at all with letting Nick take my mind off my troubles. Nothing wrong at all. 

END SEASON 4 

---

CHAPTER 73

---

BEGIN SEASON 5 

JACK'S POV: 

"We should have just eloped, " I grumbled, sipping my coffee and moving a post it note labeled "Carl and Guest" from one table on my seating chart to another. 

"Why are you working on that now?" Josh asked, grinning from the bathroom doorway as he leaned over to turn the shower on. He was wearing only a towel, his hair tousled above his sparkling blue eyes and white grin, a flash of tanned thigh peeking out where the edges of the towel didn't quite meet. 

"Because we told the wedding woman that we would have it ready by this afternoon, remember?" I answered, moving Carl and his guest again. 

Josh sauntered over, hips rolling as he crossed the floor. I tried to keep myself from looking at his tanned, muscled torso, tried to keep my eyes from following his rounded shoulders, or tracing the lines of his arms. I promised myself I wouldn't look at his brown nipples, and I especially wouldn't think about chewing on them, and listening to the noises he would make as I did. I really, really tried to force myself from noticing the way his towel stretched tightly as he walked, bumping up in the middle as his cock pushed against it, not hard, but still substantial. Nope, I was just going to stay here, looking at my wedding reception chart, which was taking on the Byzantine complexity of a war effort. Less paperwork went into the last fall of Poland, I'm certain, than was going into this. 

"I thought we weren't going to call her the wedding woman anymore," Josh purred, coming up behind me. His firm hands dropped down, sliding under my robe, and began kneading at my shoulders and neck. "You're tense." 

"At the price we're paying her, I should be allowed to call her whatever I want," I said, grinning. I let out a little sigh as his expert hands began to work at a knot in my neck, right at the part where it joined my shoulders. "Stop that. You're distracting me." 

"I know I'm distracting you, " Josh chuckled, his breath on my cheek. He bent down and started nuzzling the side of my neck as his hands slid down over my shoulders to knead my pecs. Now that I was starting to have pecs again, it was nice to have them kneaded every once in a while. "It's my goal. Now stop playing with this, and come take a shower with me, Jack." 

"I'm not playing with this," I said, gesturing at the table. I had the map of the reception hall spread out, held at the corners with coffee mugs, and all of the tables were neatly marked and covered with post it notes. On the side, I had three or four notepads, and a pile of pens, and I was going to finish this by the afternoon, damn it. "I'm working really hard on this, Josh. This is our special day, and I just want it to be perfect. Besides, I'm almost done, and then I'll come hop in the shower with you, I swear." 

Josh chuckled again, his hands back on my shoulders, and kissed me on the cheek. 

"Jack, I hate to be the one who tells you this, but you're not almost done," Josh said, giggling. 

"Yes I am!" I protested. "That was the last post it note! That's all the guests. What? Why are you laughing?" 

Josh pointed at the note. 

"Jack, which Carl is that?" he asked, laughing as he returned his hands to my shoulders. I had a sinking feeling. 

"I don't know," I answered, reaching for the guest list pad. "I don't even know anyone named Carl. It's Carl who has a guest. He's your friend, or cousin, or whatever. Why are you asking me who he is?" 

"Because I have three Carls on my guest list," Josh answered, laughing openly now. "And I see that you have them at tables sixteen, eighteen, and twenty-two." 

I looked at table sixteen. "Carl and Guest." At table eighteen, I also saw, "Carl and Guest." And at table twenty-two, I saw the note that I had just stuck down, which read, of course, "Carl and Guest." I looked at my entire map, table after table, and saw that I hadn't put in a single last name, not on any of them. I'd just gone down the guest list, note by note. I dropped my head into my hands as Josh laughed again, still kneading my shoulders. 

"Oh, fuck me," I sighed, ready to cry. 

"That's what I've been trying to convince you to let me do for the past five minutes," Josh said, taking my hand. He pulled me up out of my chair, but I resisted, turning back to the hundreds of guests. "Come take a shower. We have breakfast with the guys." 

"But Josh, I have to fix this," I said helplessly, gesturing at the table again. 

"You do whatever you think is best, Jack," Josh said, grinning. He turned and began walking toward the bathroom, letting his towel drop to the floor. I watched his ass shake, and he looked back over his shoulder, winking one sapphire eye at me as he saw me watching. "I'll be in the shower." 

I looked at the table, and then looked at my tanned, naked boyfriend climbing into the shower. 

"Fuck the wedding woman," I said, grinning as well. 

I followed Josh to the bathroom, untying my robe and throwing it off to the side somewhere. He was already in the shower when I walked in, so I carefully pulled back the curtain and stepped in next to him. He grinned at me and leaned forward, pressing his lips softly to mine. I reached up, my hands holding the side of his face, and felt his tongue brushing against mine. I also felt his cock, rising quickly, brushing against my throbbing erection, and glanced down at them as we both grinned. 

"Good morning, to you, too," I said, laughing. "We don't have time for this, do we?" 

"Not really," Josh sighed, kissing me again as he reached for the body wash. "Besides, didn't you get enough last night?" 

"Silly Josh," I said, holding out the loofah as he squeezed body wash onto it. "When it's you, it's never enough." 

"You say the sweetest things, " Josh said, taking the loofah from me. "Turn around, and I'll do your back." 

I turned, closing my eyes, and felt Josh's hands sliding over me. He was still slow and tentative when he touched me, but we were doing a lot better than my first shower. When Dr. Swan had finally allowed me to take a shower, after they removed the needle from my arm, Josh had insisted on accompanying me, but as we stood in the hospital bathroom, under the harsh lights, I heard him gasp when I slid out of my robe and pajamas. I looked up and saw him looking at me with his lip trembling, his eyes huge above the tracks of tears spilling down his cheeks. 

"Josh?" I whispered, feeling myself tearing up, too. I couldn't read his face, but I was afraid suddenly. I knew that I didn't look especially attractive at the moment. What if Josh didn't want me anymore? What if he wasn't attracted to me anymore? 

"Jack, you, you've just been, he hurt you so much, didn't he?" Josh asked, reaching out to hug me as he stood there in his boxer briefs, his tanned muscles a sharp contrast to my pale, wasted body. I'd lost so much weight that I seemed all angles and bones, ribs and hollows. "Jack, I should have been there." 

"Josh, this isn't your fault, " I repeated again, hugging him, feeling his arms slide around me. They were strong and warm, and I realized again how much I'd missed him, how I'd almost forgotten the smell of him, the feel of the soft hair on his forearms. "Josh, you're here now, and that's all that matters. Now come on. I've waited like two months for a shower. I know I'm not real pretty right now, but do you think you could handle it?" 

Josh tucked his hand under my chin, tilting my head up so that I was staring into his eyes. I would never have forgotten these, not in a million years. I would always see them behind my eyes when I closed the lids, always see the blue on blue swirl of a dozen different shades, the flecks and dots the color of Josh's soul, soothing, calm, and strong. 

"Not pretty?" he asked, staring down at me. He leaned forward, his soft lips fluttering over mine. "Jack, you're beautiful to me. You always will be, because I love you. Now come on. I've missed having you in the shower with me." 

The shower had always been a fun place for Josh and I, a place where we had tender moments. It was also a place where we had some pretty hot sex, although I wasn't up for that yet on that first shower. I was up for it now, though, but we didn't have time for that, as Josh had pointed out. I sighed as I felt his hands kneading my back as he washed, massaging it. I was putting muscle back on, was getting back to my previous shape or maybe even a little better, and it was nice to have Josh appreciate it, like he had last night. Of course, I'd appreciated him, too, several times if I remembered correctly, but it was nice to feel sexy again. 

"I didn't hear you get up this morning," Josh said, reaching around to scrub at my chest. "Are you ok?" 

"I'm fine," I said, not wanting to talk about it. I needed to, though, and he knew it. Josh leaned into me, and rested his head on my shoulder, letting me feel his support as his arms circled me. "Just more of the usual." 

"Bad dreams?" Josh asked, not scrubbing me anymore, just holding me. I felt his chest press against my back, rising and falling with his breathing, and I closed my eyes, leaning on him. 

"Yeah," I answered, feeling very small and weak suddenly. Josh was here for me, but in my dreams I was alone. 

"Do you need to talk about it?" Josh asked, stroking my shoulders soothingly with his fingers. 

"Like I said, it was just more of the usual," I said. "I was there, again, there in the basement. I knew he was watching, and I could hear him, hear that voice through the speaker again. He kept saying things, things about you not loving me, things about you not coming. I didn't get out this time, Josh." 

"But you got out for real, Jack," Josh whispered, holding me. 

"I know," I said, feeling tears slide down my face. "But in my dream I never do." 

I didn't have nightmares every night, but when I did they were always bad, always variations on the same themes. Sometimes I starved in the room, becoming more and more helpless. Sometimes I got out, but Basil overpowered me and forced me back in. Sometimes Basil crawled down the hallway after me while I was calling the police, and believed that I was safe. I talked to my doctors about all of this, and to the rather expensive shrink that Josh was paying for, and for the most part I talked to Josh about them, too, but there were some dreams I didn't share with Josh. Sometimes in my dreams I got out of the basement and found Josh and Justin together upstairs. Sometimes when I was in the living room it wasn't Basil who came down the stairs. Sometimes it was Justin, and sometimes, on the worst nights, it was Josh. When I woke up Josh usually woke up with me, holding me, kissing me, telling me it was ok, and that I was safe. If he didn't wake up, I still reached out for him, or pressed myself against him, comforted by knowing he was there. 

The nightmares weren't my only problem, either. I also had little panic attacks, unpredictably and without warning. The doctor wanted to put me on anti-anxiety medicine, but I was reluctant to take any drugs that would play with my mind. Sometimes I couldn't take any drugs at all, couldn't bring a pill, or even a vitamin, near my mouth without breaking out in a sweat. If I heard a voice over an intercom, sometimes it made me jump, made my heart race as I had a flash of being in the basement again. Sometimes I couldn't eat, couldn't touch any food unless I made it myself, because my brain would insist that it could be drugged, even though I knew it wasn't. I didn't go anywhere alone anymore. If one of the guys, or Howie or Vlada, couldn't go with me, I had a bodyguard at all times. It cut in on my privacy a little, but if I didn't have someone nearby I became very nervous and panicky, jumping at every noise, sometimes feeling hands grab the back of my shirt again even if no one was there. 

My last problem was one that Josh and I had only talked about a few times. I talked about it with my therapist a little, and had talked to Chris and Joey about it, too, but no one seemed to feel the same way I did. I had guilt over what I had done to Basil Morgan. It didn't matter how many times everyone told me it was life or death, or that I had no choice, or even that he deserved it. I had turned another human being into a vegetable. He would never stand trial for what he'd done, would never be able to explain to me exactly why he'd done it, although I thought I knew. I would never be able to ask him what he was thinking, what he felt, how he could hate me so much, because he was never going to be able to answer. He spent over a week in a coma, clinging to life. When he finally had awakened, he was in an almost complete catatonic state. He reacted to stimuli, and sometimes made noises, but he was completely unable to care for himself. I went to see him before we left Los Angeles, and the nurses told me he had the mind of an infant. There was nothing behind the dull shine of his eyes, no awareness, and his eyes themselves didn't even follow my hand when I waved it in front of his face. 

For all intents and purposes, I had lobotomized another human being with a frying pan. He had taken away my freedom, and I had taken away everything from him in exchange. I was haunted by the idea that he was still aware, that maybe his mind was trapped, screaming, inside his body, but my visit had assured me it wasn't true. Whatever he had been, whoever, was gone. The body might still be there, but I had more or less murdered another human being. I hadn't told anyone but the shrink about standing over Basil with the frying pan and deciding whether or not I wanted to kill him. I hadn't told Josh how part of me thought it was the right thing to do, and how close I had come. I didn't even want to think about it, didn't ever want to go back to that place. I may have decided not to kill him, not to swing the pan one more time, but it really didn't matter. I had already snuffed out Basil Morgan, and that was something no one else could ever understand. 

I had killed, and nothing could change it. Nothing could take it away from me, or make it better. Nothing could make me who I was before, and nothing could bring back the life I had removed. No matter how vile a person he was, how evil and misguided and genuinely cruel, his life shouldn't have been mine to take. I had to live the rest of my life knowing I had murdered another human being, and some days all I could do was run the entire thing through my mind, over and over, and try to think of what I could have done differently. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to kill, and I had. Even if the state, and the law, agreed that I hadn't acted in a criminal manner, I couldn't tell myself that. I would always know that there had been a few seconds there in that hot kitchen when I thought about raising the pan one more time. I could never tell Josh that, for those few seconds, I could see myself bringing it down again, and again, and smiling while I did it. I could never tell any of my friends. 

"What are you thinking?" Josh asked quietly, still holding me and running his hands back and forth over my shoulders. 

"How much I love you," I said, turning around to kiss him. "Now it's my turn with the sponge." 

"Are you sure you're ok?" Josh asked, kissing me again. His little beard scraped over my chin, and his firm tongue pushed its way inside my mouth, sliding over mine. 

"Getting more ok by the day, " I answered, smiling, and it was true. 

I had spent two weeks in the hospital. I wasn't sure if I really needed to be there, but Josh and the guys were in this full out protective mode, and Dr. Swan just kept going along with it. Mainly they all seemed interested in just feeding me, over and over, like something out of a gluttonous nightmare. Every time I turned around the nurse was bringing me a protein shake, or another tray of food, or something. A nutritionist made sure that I wasn't just loading up on garbage, although Joey tried several times to bring in fast food and pizza. 

The guys were amazing the whole time I was there. After Josh and I officially got engaged again Chris, Lance, and Howie had returned from the stores with everything they thought I needed. They brought a couple board games, so that they'd have something to do with me when we sat around the room waiting for me to be released, and some random books and magazines for when I was there by myself, which actually never happened. If Josh left, Chris stayed, or Joey, or Lance and Howie. Vlada had to fly to Europe for some work, so I didn't get to see her again while I was in the hospital, but I made sure to send her some really nice, really expensive flowers to thank her for the makeover. I was going to send her some candy, but didn't know if models ate that. 

Justin came at odd times, usually when no one else was there. I figured he must check them with Chris or something, since I was so rarely alone. He never stayed for very long, just stopped in to bring me a book, or a present. He looked tired a lot, and when he talked it was always in a low voice. Several times he kept his sunglasses on, claiming the lights in here were way too bright. I knew he was still having trouble with this, but I didn't want to push him, or make it worse. Still, he didn't look good, even if he was trying to project a front for everyone else. I didn't know if the guys were buying it, but I sure wasn't. 

"Justin, did you shower today?' I asked one day when he came in at three in the afternoon, smelling of smoke and looking a little disheveled. I was sure he'd slept in his clothes. 

"No," he answered, grinning at me beneath his cowboy hat. "I just got up." 

"Late night?" I asked, knowing none of the others had been out last night. I'd already seen them all today. 

"Yeah, another one," he answered, looking away. There was a flash of something on his face, but he pushed it away immediately, turning back to me with his old, charming, Justin grin. "You should have seen the girls I brought home, though." 

"Girls?" I asked, giggling. "Are you following in Chris's footsteps?" 

"I don't know," he answered, giggling along with me. "Has he ever been with three at once? And they were hot, too, Jack. Strippers." 

"You brought home girls from a strip club?" I asked, imagining the bad press that could leak out on this one. I mentally smacked myself right after that for even thinking such a thing. I was getting more like our publicist every day, whether I wanted to or not. 

"Hey, everybody wants a little piece of me, Jack," Justin said, leaning back cockily in his chair. "I'm happy to oblige." 

I sighed, wondering if it was my place to say anything or not. I didn't want to see Justin sliding back to the way he had been, and it looked more and more like he was back on that path. If I said something, I might be able to pull him back, but I might also just push him further along, and I didn't want that, either. I really wanted Justin to be happy, to meet someone special, but it wasn't going to happen. Justin already had someone he cared about, and Josh was with me. 

"Justin, are you ok?" I asked, figuring that was a safe opening. "I mean, you've been going out a lot lately, like every night. Is there anything wrong?" 

Justin shrugged, his face carefully blank. 

"Maybe I just feel like going out and having some fun," he answered finally, but neither one of us looked like we believed it. I stared, waiting, and Justin shrugged again. "I don't want to talk about it, ok, Jack? I know you're trying to help, but I'm fine." 

"OK," I said quickly. "And I don't want to sound like a mom, but at least tell me you're being careful?" 

Justin laughed. 

"Don't you worry about that, " he said. "There won't be any bastard Timberlakes running around." 

"That's not what I mean, exactly, but thanks," I said, grinning back at him. "The one of you we have is handful enough, thanks again." 

We both laughed, and some of the tension drained out of the room. I decided to bring up the other thing I'd been curious about, since I thought the two might be linked. 

"So, Justin," I began carefully. "What exactly do you do with three girls? I mean, you only have one dick." 

"Jack, I didn't think you were interested in straight stuff," Justin answered, smiling at me curiously. 

"I'm not, trust me," I said, holding up my hands. "That just seems like a lot of willing vagina in one room with just you, all by yourself." 

Justin was still smiling that quizzical half grin as he looked at me, his head cocked to the side. His eyes ticked around the room, taking in the stack of newspapers on my bed table, and I saw him put it together. 

"Been reading the papers, Jack?" he asked, settling back in his chair. He didn't sound mad. "You could just ask, you know. You and I are close enough for that." 

"I wasn't sure if there was anything to ask about, but apparently there is," I answered, crossing my arms. "Is there something you'd care to share with the rest of the class, Justin? I see that you're spending a lot of time hitting clubs with a Mr. Nick Carter." 

Justin sighed, and then crossed the room, closing my door. He returned to the bedside, pulling his chair up closer. 

"Jack, can I talk to you? As a friend?" he asked. I nodded. "Can you promise not to tell any of the guys, not even Josh?" 

Oooh, that was a tough one. 

"Justin, I don't mind not telling the guys, but you know how I feel about keeping things from Josh," I said. "Maybe you shouldn't tell me, if it's something you can't tell him." 

Justin's lips pursed as he thought about this for a second, and I wondered how serious things with Nick actually were if he had to stop and think about it. 

"Jack, it's not something I can't tell him," Justin began, folding his hands on his lap as I leaned forward a little. "I just don't want to, ok?" 

"Justin, what's going on?" I asked. "Are you worried that Josh would be upset if, you know, you and Nick had something going on? Because we want you to be happy, Justin, even if it is with Nick." 

I wished I hadn't said that, but the words were already out of my mouth. Justin smirked at me. 

"I see you've been talking to Howie," he said. He wasn't mad, and I was glad again that Justin and I were comfortable enough with each other to talk honestly about things. 

"Justin, I'm sorry," I said, shrugging. "I'll admit, I don't know Nick. I met him one time, and it was just long enough to shake his hand and say hi. Joey and Chris told me once that Nick's slept with everything, but, you know, it's not like Joey and Chris are spotless. They meant it as a joke, but Howie really, really doesn't like him, Justin." 

"Maybe Howie's not the best judge of character," Justin said, shrugging. Justin might have a point, as I'd been told that Howie had also popped Justin in the face and kicked the shit out of him while I was gone. I looked at Justin, waiting. "OK, they have some history, but that's Howie and Nick's problem, not mine." 

"What exactly is their problem?" I asked. "If, you know, it's ok to tell me." 

"Well, Howie wanted to come out, you know, like Josh did," Justin said. "They talked about it, and the guys decided not to do it, and it was mostly Nick who argued against it, because of their image and stuff. So Howie keeps bringing it up, and Nick keeps shooting it down, and they bicker all the time." 

"But why does Nick care?" I asked, confused. "I mean, you haven't said it, but you and Nick kind of have something going on, right?" 

"We're good friends," Justin answered, grinning. "With benefits." 

"Good for you," I said, slapping his arm. 

"Yeah, it's pretty hot," Justin said, grinning still, and blushing a little. 

"But if you and Nick have something going on, then what's his issue with Howie?" I asked. "I mean, he's obviously ok with, you know, man-lovin'." 

Justin laughed at my weak joke. 

"Nick's ok with anything, as long as it stays behind closed doors," Justin said, and I wondered what, exactly, "anything" consisted of. "Howie wants to be out in the open, and Nick doesn't, and that's why they bicker." 

I thought about this, and it kind of made sense. Lance had told me once about the conversation he overheard Nick and Howie having the night Josh came out, and it kind of made sense when you thought about it this way. Nick didn't have a problem with what Howie was doing. He just didn't want him to do it in front of everyone, which, considering their line of work, wasn't a really unreasonable stance. Since Lance didn't want to be out right now, anyway, I didn't really see why Howie would keep fighting with Nick about it, unless Howie didn't care what Lance wanted, or Lance had changed his mind. 

"Justin, if you can tell me all of this, why not Josh?" I asked. "He'll listen, Justin, I know he will. Like I said, we want you to be happy, and if you want to build something with Nick, Josh won't mind." 

"Yeah, but see, that's why I don't want to talk to Josh about it," Justin said. "Jack, I'm not building something with Nick. We're not having this deep, meaningful relationship where we share quiet moments and romantic interludes. We don't look into each other's eyes and think about our souls. Instead we go out, and we pick up girls, and then we bring them back to the hotel and we fuck them. Sometimes we bring back guys. Sometimes we don't bring back anyone, and I just fuck Nick. That's my whole relationship, Jack. We drink, we party, and we fuck, and I don't want Josh to know about that, ok? When Josh looks at me, he thinks I'm special." 

"Justin," I said, taking his hand. "You are special." 

"Yeah, but I'm not the way that Josh thinks, and I don't want him to know about this," Justin said. 

"Justin, if that's all this is, why are you even doing it?" I asked. "This can't be what you want to do with the rest of your life." 

"It's not, Jack," Justin agreed, squeezing my hand. "But it's what I want right now, and I think you know why. Right now I feel bad, and when I think about Josh, it hurts me. When I'm with Nick, he distracts me. I don't think about what you have, and what I don't. I don't want to feel bad, Jack. I don't want to feel anything, and I don't want to explain that to Josh, because it'll just upset him." 

"But you'll explain it to me?" I asked. He wasn't trying to hurt me, I knew that. Justin and I had been completely honest about Justin and Josh, and it gave us a kind of bond. It also made me really protective of him. 

"Jack, I love Josh, and you, too, but you're not like him," Justin said. "You're harder inside than he is, and if I tell you this, you're not going to come down on me like he will. Josh'll give me a lot of speeches, and I know you won't. Right now, this is what I want to do, and I know it's not what you or Josh would want, but could you just accept it, because you're my friend?" 

"Yeah, Justin, I can do that, " I said, holding my arms out. He leaned in for a quick hug. 

"I'm gonna go, ok?" Justin said, standing. "The guys'll be back from lunch soon, and Howie and I aren't on the best terms." 

"OK," I said. "But Justin, Josh is worried about you. Even if you don't want to talk to him about this, could you please, you know, spend a little time with him? He's worried that you're pushing him away." 

"I am," Justin said, shrugging. "I can't help it. It hurts me to be around him, Jack. I know it's not his fault, but right now I just can't. OK?" 

"OK," I sighed, wondering how we could make this better. 

"Jack?" Josh asked, startling me from my memories. "You've washed the same part of my back about ten times now." 

"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head, blinking. 

"What are you thinking about?" Josh asked, turning back to me as he reached for the shampoo. 

"Nothing," I answered. "Nothing. Just, you know, us and the guys." 

"Speaking of, we need to finish up and get dressed if we're going to make breakfast," Josh said. 

"Then let's hurry," I said, grinning. I started lathering up his hair while he did mine at the same time, our arms sliding over each other. "I love you." 

"I love you, too," Josh answered. 

But what were we going to do about Justin? 

---

CHAPTER 74

---

JACK'S POV: 

I checked the bag a second time, making sure we had everything. Bottles of water, my book, Josh's book (he'd started reading while I was gone, which filled me with excitement, as reading the same things gave us yet another thing to talk about), Josh's journal, a deck of cards, a tiny magnetic travel chess board, and our two bottles of tanning lotion. Josh, naturally tan, was using a much lighter one than I was, but I tended to burn, and had to put it on thick and work my way down to the lower numbers as my tan progressed. Josh watched me checking the bag and handed me my sunglasses. We both had our towels around our necks. 

"Jack, we're only going to be on the beach for like four or five hours," Josh said. "Are you sure there isn't anything you forgot to pack?" 

"Yes," I answered, stuffing our keys, phones, and a box of raisins in there. "You know, I just get worried that we'll forget something." 

"Yeah, and walking the ten minutes back to the bungalow might kill us," Josh said, grinning. He looked at me, wide-eyed, faking terror. "Oh my God, Jack, what if we want to play volleyball? Do you have a net in there?" 

"The resort has one on the beach, jackass," I said, smacking his chest lightly. I handed him the bag. "Carry my bag, sweetie?" 

"Just like in high school," Josh said, taking it from me, smiling. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek as he hung the bag on his shoulder. 

"Did I mention how sexy you look in that speedo?" I asked. 

"Repeatedly," he answered, taking my hand. "Come on, we're almost late for breakfast." 

We had done breakfast as a group all three of the days that we had been at the resort on our alleged vacation. The point of this had been for all of us to spend time together, to finally relax and see each other and just hang out without having to worry about anything. We were staying in bungalows, off on a little private path by ourselves, and we were booked to be here for almost a month. It was supposed to give the guys time off between appearances, before they went on tour again, and Josh and I time to get the wedding together with the help of Lisann, the wedding woman, or wedding coordinator, as she liked to call herself. 

Josh and I glanced back at the table, still covered with my reception plans, as we stood at the door. 

"Should we start writing last names in?" he asked. "Maybe just a little before she gets here?" 

"It'll take hours," I said, shaking my head. "Why don't we just tell her we're sorry, and we can work on it together later?" 

"Sure," he said, leading me out the front door as I closed it behind me. 

We walked, holding hands, down the path from the bungalows to the main building, knowing we'd find everyone at the big table by the pool. I'll never understand why beach resorts have pools. Why would you need one, when the ocean's right there? As we walked, I noticed again how sexy Josh looked in his black speedo, and mentally compared his body to mine again. Once I would have given him a run for his money, although I was more fair, as opposed to his brownish tones, but muscle-wise we were a pretty even match before I'd been kidnapped. Now I was starting to fill in again, and thought that I looked pretty damn good, if the looks I got at the beach over the past few days were any indication. I wasn't as nice as I had been, but wasn't looking too shabby. 

My improvement was due to my doctors, my nutritionist, and the physical trainer I'd been working with in the three weeks since I got out of the hospital, as well as to Karen and Roy Chasez's home cooking, which I had enjoyed after we left New York City. When Dr. Swan had finally cleared me after my two week hospital stay, Josh and I had flown immediately to New York, where I was booked on morning shows for every network, as well as for meetings with several different magazines. Josh had balked at this initially, but I had a clean bill of health, and wanted to get this over with. 

"But Jack, why?" he asked, whispering because we were on the plane and he didn't want everyone in first class to hear all of our business. "I mean, you never had any use for reporters before, and I'd think that now, you know, you really wouldn't want to see any." 

"Josh, part of the reason why this happened is because we were so secretive, and so protective about our lives," I said. "This happened because of hate, and because we let being who we are be treated like something dirty. I'm not going to hide anymore, Josh. We told people that it's ok to be gay, and that there's nothing wrong with us loving each other, but the whole reason why we got tangled up with Basil in the first place is that we acted like we were ashamed. We have a chance to make a difference now, Josh, to stand up for ourselves and for other people like us. I'm not going to waste it." 

"Are you sure?" Josh asked, holding my hands in his. "Because this kind of isn't really like you." 

"I know it's not," I agreed. I had told Josh a long time ago that I hated to be defined by being gay, and that I would probably never be a flag-waving activist. "Josh, I've had a lot of time to think about this, and about some other stuff, too. Remember after the awards show, when you had to help me be comfortable with dating you in public, because it made me a kind of celebrity by extension?" 

"Yeah," he answered, blinking as we both remembered that difficult time. 

"Well, like it or not, we're famous," I said, shrugging. "You were already, but the only reason I am is because I'm your boyfriend. Remember all that mail we got from all those people, telling us how much it meant to them that we were honest? All that mail we still get? Josh, we have a responsibility. If everyone wants to talk to me right now, and everyone wants to hear what happened to me, then I have a responsibility to be a voice for all those people who don't have one. I'm a victim of hate, Josh, and I have to tell people that what happened to me, and the reasons why it happened, is not ok." 

I stopped because Josh was looking at me with tears standing in his blue eyes, staring at me with such warmth and kindness that it almost made me uncomfortable. 

"What?" I asked. "Josh, if you don't want me to do this, just say so, and I won't." 

"That's not what I was thinking at all," he said, swallowing. "I was just thinking of how proud of you I am, and how proud I am to love you, and have you love me. You're such an amazingly strong person, Jack. You almost died, almost lost everything, and you're trying to think of ways to use it to help other people." 

"Well, it seems like the right thing to do," I said, shrugging again. 

"And that's why I love you," he said, leaning over to kiss me. I kissed him back, and that was about all we did for the rest of the flight. We held each other, and kissed, and prayed that we would get to the hotel soon so that we could spend a couple hours having some naked time. 

My television tour of New York was actually pretty successful, as far as we were concerned. Josh went on some of the shows with me, but on some he just stood off camera, offering support. It was important to both of us that I be seen as an independent person, because I was still struggling a little with my issue of always being "JC's Boyfriend" when people talked about us. We also used the time to mention our upcoming wedding, which set off a whole new flurry of buzz. It was kind of fun to be the story of the moment, again, and we were getting photographed wherever we went, but I was becoming a lot more comfortable with that, too. 

While in New York, I also got my first taste of Joey's family. I had met his brother, Steve, before, but had never met any of the rest of them, and was completely unprepared for the overwhelming reception we got when Joey invited us to drop by and say hi. Walking in, Joey's mom swept Josh into one of those bear hugs that must have been a family trait, and when she finally let him go, she turned to me. 

"Jack, this is my mom," Joey said, grinning behind her. 

Before she or I could say anything, she grabbed me and wrapped her arms around me, too. I felt all the air go rushing out of my lungs as she squeezed me. Letting go, she immediately pulled me into the kitchen and pushed me into a chair. 

"Look at you! So thin! Let me just get you a plate, baby," she said, reaching into the refrigerator. Before I could say anything trays and glass baking dishes started appearing from the refrigerator, the tops covered in foil. "Let's see. I have some ziti, a little salad, but you don't need that, you need meat, oh and here's the sausage, and a little lasagna left from the other night, and there's a little of that cheesecake left from Sunday, and Joey just got me some canolli from the bakery. They're not as good as mine, but I didn't know you guys were coming by, so I didn't really have time to make anything. Oh, there's some parm left, too, eggplant, chicken, and veal. We'll give you some of each. Joey, get him some of the angel hair off the stove, there, while I put this together, and JC, you have a plate, too. You don't eat right, and if your mother knew you were here and I didn't give you something to eat, well, I wouldn't want to hear what she'd think about me." 

As I stared helplessly a plate of pasta, covered in steaming sauce, appeared before me. Joey handed me a fork, and he and Josh grinned as my eyes darted around the kitchen, watching Joey's mom pile food onto a plate and put it into the oven to warm. If she hadn't known we were coming, why was there buffet food for forty ready and waiting in the refrigerator? Josh would explain later, as I held my belly, feeling as if I'd swallowed a bowling ball, that Joey's mom always had food ready like this, in case people dropped by. And, sure enough, people did. Within the space of about twenty minutes, a steady stream of neighbors, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and people who might have been total strangers was marching through Joey's mom's, filling every room with laughter and chatter. Everyone was happy to see Joey, JC, and whoever else they ran into, and people kept slapping me on the back while I stayed at the table, commanded by Joey's mom not to get up. 

"You just stay right there and eat," she said, watching to make sure it was warm enough. I grinned around a mouthful of veal, praying my animal rights crusader friends would never know I had eaten some. "That's good, huh? Yeah, you just stay right there and eat, baby, I'll get the meat back onto your bones. Joey, don't you feed him?" 

"Ma, remember what happened, " Joey began, eating hot peppers out of a jar with a fork. 

"Oh, that's right!" she said, turning back to me. She didn't sit down, which I found odd. Instead she just kept fluttering around the kitchen, handing us plates and pulling still more food out of the refrigerator. "That sick bastard! You'll be ok now, Jack, you wait and see. I told Joey I prayed a rosary for you every day at church when we heard what happened, you can ask Steve. Here, have some bread. Now let me get you something to drink. Let me see, I have pop, and some of that beer Joey likes, and a couple bottles of wine, and there's juice, and water, too, or some milk if you want that. What do you want to drink, Jack?" 

"Whatever," I shrugged, still dazed. 

"No wine," Josh said quickly. "Not until you're off your medicine, the doctor said." 

That was my heart medication. Everyone seemed pretty sure that I was ok, and I hadn't had any more episodes, but just in case I was supposed to take these pills, and I was under strict orders not to mix them with alcohol or caffeine, which was more or less killing me. I wanted coffee so badly I could smell the beans when I closed my eyes. Luckily I was allowed to exert myself, within limits, so I was doing light exercise, and having lots of sex. 

"Doctors, what do they know?" Joey's mother asked, and launched into a discussion of rising costs of health care and how awful it was for old Mrs. Someone down the street to get her prescriptions on her medicare. Through it all the crowd in the house just continued to grow, some of them showing up with food or flowers, and Joey's mom continued setting plates of food in front of me, and glasses of orange juice, telling me it was good for me and just what I needed. 

"Josh, is it someone's birthday or something?" I whispered, leaning over. 

"No, it's always like this here," he answered, pushing a small plate away from him without eating any of it after looking around to make sure no one was watching. "You ok?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered. "It's just, you know." 

"Yeah, I know," Josh answered, squeezing my hand. 

I wasn't good with family stuff. In my house, everyone had always been kind of detached, and we didn't do stuff like this, with the hugging and the back slapping and the old people pinching your cheeks. Growing up, I had known my family was a little icier than the ones I had seen on television, but most of my friends' families were the same way. It wasn't until I'd gotten out into the world and wandered around on my own a little that I realized there really were people like the ones on family shows, and that my own family, and those of my peers at the country club of my youth, was just a little off. Still, it left me kind of at a loss in some situations, like it had when I met Josh's family the first time. I was doing a lot better with them, but every once in a while I just found myself in a family setting and felt like everyone else knew what to do but hadn't shared any of the directions with me. 

Eventually there was a lull in the kitchen when someone distracted Joey's mom, and I slipped away before she could continue fattening me like something from "Hansel and Gretel". I realized Joey hadn't taken us on a tour, and I didn't want it to look like I was snooping around anyone's bedroom or anything, so I found a bathroom furthest from the noise and locked myself in. Opening the window, I sat on the edge of the tub and just inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to collect myself. I just needed a minute to breathe without trying to do it around a mouthful of food as someone slapped my back. Not for the first time, I regretted that I no longer smoked, even though it was what had gotten me into so much trouble in the first place. Sometimes you just really wanted a cigarette. I was startled by a knock at the door. 

"Occupied!" I called, praying whatever tiny toddler or incontinent grandmother could make it to the other bathroom that I was sure must exist in this place somewhere. 

"Jack, it's Joey," he said quietly, as if trying not to attract attention. "Unless you're going to the bathroom in there, open up." 

"Shit," I hissed. I opened the door and saw Joey looking at me, his eyes wide but his face quizzical. He raised an eyebrow as I opened the door. "Busted." 

"Can I come in?" Joey asked, his mouth twisting into a little half smile. "You're not smoking in here, are you? Because my mom will smell it." 

"No," I said, pulling him inside as I checked the hallway. I closed the door behind him, and Joey looked at me again with that same little grin. 

"Jack, what are you doing in here?" he asked. "Are you ok? Did somebody say something?" 

"No, no, I'm fine," I said, leading him over to the tub. We sat on the edge again. "I just needed some air." 

"Are you sure?" Joey asked. "I noticed you were gone, and I think JC was looking for you, but he got sidetracked by my great aunt." 

"That's Josh," I said, smiling. Old ladies loved him, with all those manners and that charm. He was every mother's dream son in law, except for, you know, the gay part. "And nobody said anything, Joey. Your family, they're, you know, they're great, and I think this is the most I've had to eat at one time in my whole life. I'm glad you invited us over." 

"But?" Joey said, waiting. 

I sighed. 

"It's just, you know," I said, unsure of how to explain. Joey was so close to his family, and they'd taken me in with open arms, just like Josh's, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings or seem ungrateful. 

"You don't have to say it," Joey said, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Josh told me that you're not good with family stuff sometimes." 

"It's not that I'm not good at it," I said, shrugging. "I just, you know, I don't know what to do. I'm not used to this. You guys all have your hugs and stuff, and everybody loves each other, but that's just not how I grew up." 

"Your family didn't love you?" Joey asked, cocking his head to one side. 

"No, they did, I'm sure they did," I said. "It was just, you know, it wasn't like this. My family was nice, but we never did stuff like this. We came down for dinner at the same time every night, and that was like the only time we ever saw my dad. My mom always put this music on, you know, very 'American Beauty', and we had to talk about our day." 

"Jack, where did you grow up?" Joey asked. I'd talked to all the guys about my background at some point or another, but my stories always kind of started at college. None of them knew much about my childhood, other than Josh, and he and I didn't talk about it a lot, because he knew I didn't like to dwell on it. 

"At the country club, where everyone else did," I answered, grinning. "You know, on the putting green, and the tennis court, going to Sunday brunch after church and spending the summers working at the clubhouse and going to coming out parties." 

"Coming out parties?" Joey asked, grinning. 

"Not the kind you're thinking of," I said, grinning as well. "It was all very formal and Republican, and I couldn't wait to get out. Did I ever tell you guys I didn't go to public school?" 

"No," Joey answered, interested. 

"I went to a private academy, " I said, shaking my head. "Uniforms, ties, you know." 

"But you're not like that now," Joey said. "You're normal." 

My head snapped around, and he raised his hands. 

"I mean, you know, you're down to earth and stuff," Joey clarified quickly, as I smiled to let him know it was ok. 

"Yeah, I guess none of it took," I said, shrugging. "It's just as well. If I hadn't walked away, hadn't bucked my parents, I probably never would have met Josh. I'd probably be married to someone named Buffy or Missy or something, sneaking out to pick up hustlers downtown or fucking the pool boy." 

"Aren't you the cynical one suddenly," Joey pointed out, smiling again. 

"Trust me, Joey, it's not suddenly," I said, shaking my head. "I don't want to go back to that kind of world, Joey. I left it for a reason, and I'm happy where I am now. Maybe I'm a little adrift at the moment, you know, jobless and living off of Josh." 

"You know that's not how he sees it," Joey said, squeezing my hand. 

"I know," I said, squeezing it back. "And I know that Josh doesn't even think about it, because he loves me, but what I was trying to say is that even if I feel a little bit without purpose right now, for lack of better words, I'm still happy, Joey. I'm happier here, and I was even happier back at my old job before I met Josh, than I ever would be in the world I grew up in." 

We both sighed, and Joey threw an arm around my shoulders, pressing me against him. 

"We're happy to have you here," Joey said. "JC loves you, and so do we, Jack. It's good to have you back." 

"Thanks," I said, wondering why I had so many touching moments with the guys in bathrooms. "It's nice to be back." 

I thought we were done, and I could hear Joey's mom calling to Josh to come get dessert, and tell me that it was out, too. I started to stand, but Joey caught my sleeve. 

"Jack, I know you're really good at covering, and that you've been dealing with all of this a really long time, so you're probably ok with it," he began, looking genuinely confused. "But how can your family just not like you? How do you deal with that?" 

I realized that Joey, with his huge, extended family, would have even more trouble with this than Josh did. 

"You just get used to it, Joey," I said. "You stop letting it bother you. And it's not that they don't like me. They don't really like anyone, not like you guys do. If they do, they just don't show it." 

"But doesn't it hurt you?" Joey asked. "I mean, didn't it hurt you that they didn't come to the hospital?" 

I swallowed. 

"Actually, Joey, that did kind of hurt," I admitted, trying to ignore the lump that rose up in my throat. 

My family hadn't come to see me the entire time that I had been in the hospital, not once. Josh called, and offered to fly them out, as if money might be a problem for them, and my mother had informed him, rather coldly, that they had plans for the next few weeks, and hadn't I gotten the flowers that they sent? Josh had been so upset as he explained it to me that he started crying, and I spent quite a while comforting him, and calming him down. Helping him kept me from feeling it too deeply, but it hurt when I thought about it later. Carla came, staying for several days. Josh's family came, also staying for a while, and Karen, his mom, stayed even longer after the rest of them flew back, but my family didn't come. Well, not my birth family, anyway. The guys were my real family now. 

"Joey, you get used to it after a while," I said, trying to play it off. It hurt, but it wasn't a new hurt. "After a while, you stop expecting anything, you stop wondering why they do it. You just accept it, and you put them as far from you as you can." 

"Geez, Jack," he sighed, his face, usually so blankly neutral, concerned and sad. He reached out and touched my cheek, and I realized that a tear had leaked traitorously from my eye. 

"I'm ok, Joey," I said, hugging him and standing before we could get too maudlin. "Besides, my real family is right here, with you guys. Now let's go have some dessert before your mom sends a search party." 

"Too late," Josh said from the hallway as I opened the door. "I was looking for you guys. Joey has a special guest." 

"Daddy!" we heard squealed, as patent leather shoes came slapping down the hallway. 

Josh and I stepped out of the way as Joey swooped down to pick Brianna up. 

"Hey pumpkin!" he said, grinning and kissing her on the nose. "Is your mommy with you?" 

Brianna pointed toward the kitchen, and Joey began to walk quickly back down the hall. Josh turned to me, and I grabbed him, hugging him tightly and planting a big, wet Josh- style kiss on his mouth. 

"What was that for?" he asked, grinning. 

"Because I love you," I answered. 

"You taste like garlic bread, " he said, giggling. 

"Way to ruin the moment," I said, grinning. We walked slowly back down the hall. 

"You ok?" Josh whispered as we rejoined Joey and family in the kitchen. Josh leaned back against a cabinet, his arms around me, and I leaned against him as we watched Brianna roll her big blue eyes at everything, and Joey steal her nose. 

"I'm fine," I said. "But thanks for checking." 

"Who's that?" Joey asked, pointing at Josh. 

"Unca Jaycee," Brianna answered, shaking her blond ponytails. She was a cute kid, no question, and she already had this entire family wrapped around her finger. 

"And who's that?" Joey asked, pointing at me. 

"Unca Jackie," she answered, and I held my groan in. That's all I needed was to have the guys start calling me Jackie. On the other hand, Bri knew who I was. 

"That's right!" Joey said, grinning. 

He tickled her, and she squealed and laughed. Everyone else in the kitchen laughed, too, and I wondered if there might be some sort of maternal estrogen overload or something. Joey's mom started handing out food again, producing cookies and that cheesecake, offering ice cream and brewing another pot of coffee. Joey continue playing with Bri, bouncing her on his knee as she giggled and clapped her hands, and I caught Josh watching them, smiling, with this wistful look in his eyes. 

"She's a cute kid," I said, holding my dessert plate and wondering why I was eating still more food when I already felt full to bursting. It was just so good, and everyone else was eating, so I felt like I should be, too. 

"Yeah," Josh sighed, whipped cream on his lip. I flicked it off with my finger and he caught my hand and sucked my finger quickly into his mouth. "What do you think of, you know, us having one of those someday?" 

"A kid?" I asked, blinking. Josh nodded. "Well, I don't know, Josh. I mean, I'm not ready to be a parent. Maybe someday, but not now." 

"No, not now," he agreed, shaking his head. We watched Brianna take a big handful of chocolate ice cream and smear it across her dress, grinding it into the fabric, completely ruining her outfit without a second thought, and when I looked at Josh he had the same expression of wide-eyed, aghast horror that I could feel on my face. 

"Maybe we should get a puppy first," I suggested, thinking of our couches. 

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Josh agreed, nodding his head, probably picturing his closet. 

We visited Joey's family almost every day of our stay in New York, sometimes just dropping by for a second to bring his mom some flowers or something, and a couple times staying for dinner. The night before we left Josh and I took them all out to eat, renting out an entire room so that they could be loud and boisterous, and they seemed to appreciate it. When dinner was finally over, there was a lot of hugging as everyone bid us a tearful goodbye and commanded us to come see them whenever we were in the city, telling us the door was always open. 

"What are you thinking about?" Josh asked me, as we rounded the corner of the walkway, spotting the guys at the far end of the pool. 

"That puppy we talked about, " I answered, scanning the big breakfast table. 

Joey and Vlada were sitting next to each other, watching anxiously as Chris stood between Lance and Howie on one side and Nick on the other. Chris's arms were raised, and he looked pissed. Justin, seated on the other side of the table, was watching almost disinterestedly, and Lance had his arm on Howie's sleeve, trying to pull him back to his seat. 

"Shit," Josh sighed, walking a little faster. 

"Not again," I added. 

Why couldn't Howie and Nick just get along? 

---

CHAPTER 75

---

JACK'S POV: 

Josh and I sped up as we approached the table, but not too much. There was no point in hurrying if no one was swinging fists. Besides, there was practically guaranteed to be another fight on the schedule later, whether it was Nick and Howie again or the rarer Howie and Justin match up. Oddly enough, it was never Nick and Justin against Howie. The two of them didn't side with each other unless both were attacked. Otherwise, the one that wasn't fighting just watched the one that was. It was an odd relationship, or nonrelationship, between the two of them, but what was also odd was the fact that Lance never jumped into the fights, either. Howie kept getting into them, and Lance kept trying to talk Howie out of them, like he was right now. 

"Howie, he didn't mean anything," Lance whined, tugging at Howie's arm. "Please, sit down. Please, can we just finish breakfast?" 

Lance hadn't been a whiner before I got kidnapped. One of the big surprises for me when I got back was the way that Lance and Howie, and their relationship, had changed. Lance was clingy now, and seemed very dependent on Howie. I mentioned it to Josh, and he explained to me that it had been a surprise for all of them, too. One of the first things he told me in the hospital when he began filling me in on stuff that had happened while I was gone was about Howie finding out about Lance and Justin, and the beating that sent Justin to the emergency room. 

"Holy shit," I said, sipping my protein shake as I contemplated the chessboard in front of me. After dating Josh for this long, I no longer had winning as a goal. Instead, I wanted to last more than a half hour in any match. So far it wasn't working, but I still had hope. "What happened after that?" 

"Well, Justin came home and broke up with Brit," Josh began. I already knew the Justin and Brit story, because I'd heard it from Justin, and he spared no detail in his typical Justin fashion. "And Lance and Howie went away for like a week and a half to work on their relationship." 

"Well, they're still together," I pointed out. "So I'm guessing it worked out ok?" 

Josh sighed, and I saw that he was trying to find a nice way to say something. I watched the little frown line appear between his eyebrows as his face shifted. I put my hand over his, startling him. 

"Just say it, Josh," I said. 

"Well, Jack, Lance has changed while you were, you know, gone," Josh said. "He was really quiet when they came back from that trip, and he doesn't really hang out with us by himself anymore." 

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

"Well, if we're doing work stuff, Howie calls him, or he calls Howie, like every time there's a break," Josh said, and I almost giggled, remembering our early days. Josh, in that typical way we had, more or less read my mind. "And it's not like you and I. It's almost like Howie's checking up on him, wanting to know where he is and who he's with and when he'll be back. And if we're doing anything not work related, like just going out or whatever, Lance either doesn't come, or Howie comes, too, and they stay glued together the entire time. It's weird. I just get a funny vibe off of it." 

"Well, you know, as long as Lance is happy," I said, remembering how Howie had hovered in my doorway every time Lance came in to see me. I had thought the two of them just didn't like to be separated, but Josh was making it sound like more than that. Maybe he was just jumping at shadows, because of what had happened to me. 

"Jack, I don't know if he is, " Josh said. "I mean, you haven't seen him in a while. Now that you're back, does he seem, you know, different?" 

I was about to answer, but then thought about it a little more. Truthfully, every time Lance came to see me when I first woke up, he'd been almost in tears, repeating over and over that they should have done something and that he was sorry he hadn't done more. I'd heard variations on the theme from all of the guys, and figured that Lance was just being a little more emotional. When I thought about it, though, Lance hadn't ever really been that emotional of a person. He usually kept his emotions under control, maintaining some sort of unspoken code of manly decorum. 

"Well, he's been kind of teary since you guys got here," I said, shrugging. "But I just assumed that he was upset about me. God, that sounds really selfish." 

Josh laughed, and leaned forward to kiss me. 

"That's rare for you," he said, grinning and taking my queen. Damn. "This once, I'll let it pass. It's just weird, though. Lance is all withdrawn, and Howie's angry all the time. All he does is snap at Justin, and it doesn't matter how many times Justin apologizes. Honestly, it's really starting to get on everyone's nerves." 

"Maybe I'll mention that to Lance when I get time to talk to him," I said, shrugging. "Or maybe I should even talk to Howie, you know, as the other outsider. We sort of have that bond, or at least we did when I left." 

"You're not an outsider, Jack," Josh said, kissing me again. "Checkmate. Howie is, though. He was pretty tight with us, but since the whole thing with Justin came out, he's just been so pissy." 

"Maybe I can help," I said, shrugging as we started setting the board for a new game. "I'll talk to him or Lance, and see what I can do." 

I'd never gotten time to talk to them, though, because there was a never a moment to talk to them alone. I didn't want to put them on the defensive, and I didn't think they'd be completely honest about their relationship if the other one was standing right there, but they never came to my room separately. I began to see Josh's point, but I was too focused on getting better, and the trip to New York, and everything else that I hadn't really had time to act on it. And so, here we were, three days into our vacation and forced to start breakfast with another round of the fighting that was becoming commonplace. 

"Can you two just knock it off?" Chris snapped, standing between Nick and Howie. "I don't care who said what." 

"I didn't even say anything, " Nick asserted, still pressing on Chris's hand, not ready to back down. 

"Fuck you, you didn't!" Howie snapped. 

Josh and I slid into our seats, waiting to see if we'd have to jump back out of them to break up a fight. 

"Howie, please," Lance pleaded. Howie slapped at Lance's hand, and Lance pulled it away, sinking into his chair with a defeated look. 

"I don't need this shit," Nick said, holding up his hands. "I'm going to take a piss." 

"Yeah, walk away!" Howie sputtered. 

Nick raised his middle finger without looking back as Chris glared at Howie. 

"Will you please just shut up?" Chris asked quietly. Howie glared at him defiantly, as if he was about to start up with Chris, too, but then he sat back down next to Lance. 

Chris turned and walked back around the table to his seat by Vlada as the waitress appeared to ask what Josh and I wanted. We both ordered small breakfasts, muffins and fruit with juice, and she walked away. 

"Sorry we're late," Josh said, shrugging. "Good morning, everyone." 

I smiled. Even though the table was round, these giant meals together kept giving me a weird, last supper sort of vibe, all of us sitting around whispering to each other and casting odd glances. Of course, the apostles all had clothes on in that picture, where we all showed up to breakfast ready to go to the beach right after. Justin, Nick, and I were in trunks, Joey in trunks with a loose tank top, Vlada in a retro two-piece and matching wide-brimmed hat like a '40's glamour shot, Josh and Howie in speedos, showing off their exquisite bodies (although, and I might have been biased because, you know, I love Josh, but Howie was just a little compact for my taste), Lance was in trunks and a t-shirt as if determined not to get a tan, and Chris was wearing some sort of rubbery body suit. 

"I'm going parasailing after breakfast," he explained when he saw me looking. Vlada rolled her eyes. 

"Is that thing uncomfortable?" I asked. 

"Not as much as you think," he answered, grinning. "So, why are you two late? Little something going on at the bungalow of love?" 

Joey immediately began making fake porn soundtrack music. 

"Shut it, both of you," I said, throwing them a frosty glare as the waitress set down my orange juice and told me my food would be right out. 

"Wedding stuff," Josh sighed. 

"How's that going?" Howie asked, smiling. He appeared to have forgotten his anger at Nick, at least for the time being, but it probably wouldn't be long before he was snapping at Nick or Justin again. I was beginning to think that maybe Josh and I should have just gone on vacation by ourselves. 

"It's a pain in the ass," I said quickly. "The frigging wedding woman is coming again this afternoon." 

"Funny, I thought the pain in your ass was just from JC," Chris said, giggling, and Vlada smacked him on the arm as Chris and Joey giggled like little kids. 

"Josh is never a pain," I said, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. I saw Justin look down quickly, glancing in the direction of the bathrooms. He looked sad. "The wedding woman, on the other hand." 

"She has a name, Jack," Josh said soothingly, patting my hand. He turned back to the others. "Jack's just pissed because he forgot to put last names on the seating chart for the reception." 

"Six hundred of our closest friends, and I have to go through again and reseat them all," I said dispiritedly, reaching for my muffin. Only about fifty of the people invited were actually my friends. 

"It's ok," Josh said, squeezing my hand. "You're not doing it alone." 

The waitress appeared again, setting a tall glass in front of Justin and another in front of Nick, who had just returned to the table. I thought they were just tomato juice, but caught a whiff of Justin's and realized it was a Bloody Mary. Not only that, there were two empties in front of him, and one in front of Nick. Neither of them had a food plate nearby. 

"Justin, it's not even ten in the morning," Josh said, frowning. I sighed as Justin turned toward him, his face blank. 

"Really?" Justin asked coldly, sucking at the straw. "Thanks for the update." 

"Justin, maybe you should have some food?" Josh began. Everyone else at the table found other things to focus on, their nails, the person next to them, the scenery, something, except for Nick, who watched with the same detached interest you might stare at the television with. 

"I'm not hungry," Justin said, looking down into his glass. 

I put a hand on Josh's leg and gave a small shake of my head, not more than a twitch, but it was enough for him to get the message. He nodded at me, and I saw that Josh looked pained. He knew that Justin was hurting, but didn't know how to help him. I figured I better let him know later that a lecture wasn't the way. Every time that Josh and Justin talked to each other you could almost feel the currents swirling between them, and I wished once again for that perfect world where all of this would have worked out differently without hurting anyone. Since we didn't live in that world, I just had to do my best to make sure Justin didn't do too much to hurt himself. 

"So, what are we doing today?" Joey asked, changing the subject. I smiled at him, grateful for helping me head off yet another argument. 

We fell into regular breakfast chatter after that, and when it was over we headed down to the beach. I handed Josh our bag and my towel, asking him to put it down by his because I wanted to talk to Chris for a minute. Josh kissed me, and then I began walking with Chris to the parasailing concession, further down the beach. 

"You got that look on your face," Chris said. "The one that says, 'God, I wish I had a cigarette.' What's wrong?" 

"Am I that transparent?" I asked, smiling. "I could point out that you have the same look. Bet you wish you hadn't quit, don't you?" 

"Only some days," Chris agreed, smirking. "You haven't answered me yet, Jack." 

"Chris, what happened this morning before we got to breakfast?" I asked, knowing that he wouldn't beat around the bush. 

"Same shit, different day," Chris sighed. "Justin and Nick were slamming back the drinks when we got there, and then Lance and Howie showed up with Joey. Then Howie said something, and Nick made some kind of stupid comment, and then you guys saw the rest." 

"I think Nick baits him on purpose," I said, shaking my head. 

"It's not all Nick," Chris said. "And I don't mean that it's Justin, too. Howie's so confrontational all the time, and I don't think either of them can resist giving him a little poke just to get him going." 

"What is wrong with everyone?" I asked. It was like having middle chapter cut out of a book. All this crap had happened while I was gone, and now I felt like I was still missing pieces. Chris patted my shoulder. 

"It'll be ok," he said. "I mean, Howie's been bitchy since he found out about Justin, and I don't think he likes the fact that Justin has this, well, whatever it is going on with Nick, either. Howie and Nick don't get along as it is, and now the shit from their group is spilling over into our group." 

"Great," I said, shaking my head. "By next week you'll all be on TRL screaming at each other with that asshole Carson." 

Carson, who had already more or less been on the entire group's shitlist for the thing with Britney after she broke up with Justin, which I had heard about but hadn't seen, had been ranked even lower now for pulling shit with Josh and I during the New York trip. MTV had asked us to stop by and just say hi, and while we were there Carson had the gall to ask if what happened to me might be my fault for ruining so many of the fans' dreams about Josh. I'm told that I now might have the network's new record for most curses censored during a broadcast, beating out Andrew Dice Clay's torrent of filth on one of the awards shows several years ago. Either way, it would be a cold day in hell before I stood on a stage with Carson again, no matter how many times MTV told Josh that they reprimanded him. 

"Somehow I don't see that happening," Chris said. "Is this really all that's bothering you?" 

"Well, you know, the wedding is stressing me out," I said, shrugging. Chris grabbed my shoulders and spun me around, his eyes boring into mine. 

"You're not getting cold feet, are you?" he demanded. "Tell me now, 'cause we're not going through a bunch of shit again." 

"No, no, Jesus, Chris," I said, shrugging his grip off. "I'm not getting cold feet. I love Josh, and I know this is what we both want. It's just this ceremony, and the planning, and all the rest. There's always something else that needs to be done, and I want this to be perfect for Josh, but there's just so much. I've got all these lists and notebooks and shit, and I don't even know these people." 

"Jack, settle yourself," Chris said, laughing. "Give some of it to that wedding woman. Isn't this what you guys are paying her for?" 

"Well, yeah, she's supposed to help," I said. "But I just want this all to be special for Josh." 

Chris laughed and patted my shoulder as we finally reached the parasailing booth. 

"Jack, it's already going to be special for Josh, because you're there," he said, grinning. "Besides, I'm gonna need you to give me pointers on this when it's my turn." 

I started to nod, and then realized what he'd just said. Looking over my shoulder, I followed his eyes down the beach to where Vlada was setting up her umbrella next to Josh, who was helping her. 

"Wait, you and Vlada?" I asked. "When did you guys get so serious?" 

"Well, I haven't asked her yet," Chris said. "But you know, when you disappeared, and Josh got so upset, I started to think. I mean, I'm an adult now, and I should kind of settle down a little, and I started to think about what's really important to me, and what I want to get out of the rest of my life. I think maybe it's time I stopped fucking around so much." 

"Well, good for you," I said. 

"Thanks," he said. "You sure you're ok?" 

"Yeah," I said, shrugging. "I'm gonna go back and rejoin the love of my life. I need some sunblock before I burn, anyway. Have fun." 

"You, too," Chris said. 

I walked back up the beach to find Josh stretched out on his towel, glistening with tanning lotion like a big piece of candy on his towel, muscles tight, nipples pointed, barely covered by that tiny black speedo that contrasted so well with his graham cracker brown skin. He'd taken his sunglasses off, probably to keep from getting a raccoon mask, and his bright blue eyes popped open as my shadow fell across his face, covering his high cheekbones and strong jaw. His soft lips slid apart in a grin as I sank onto my towel next to him. 

"There you are," he said, leaning over to kiss me as he reached into our bag. He smelled faintly of coconuts, and I wanted to just grab him and lick him. "Want me to put some lotion on you?" 

"You just want to feel me up, " I said, smiling and leaning back on my arms, stretching my chest so that my pecs fanned out while my arms bulged and my stomach pulled tight. Watching Justin had taught me a couple of moves after all. 

"I'll take whatever I can get," Josh said, grinning as he squeezed a big glob of sunblock onto his palm. "You ready?" 

"Come and get it," I said, winking, beckoning him forward with a crooked finger. 

"Get a room," Joey sighed from next to Vlada, and we all laughed. 

Glancing up as Josh's hands began to press over my chest, I saw Justin about ten feet away on his towel. He wasn't laughing, or even smiling, and when he saw me looking he turned his head away. His eyes were wide and glassy, and his mouth was turned down. He gave his sports bottle a shake, as if to mix whatever was inside, and took a long swallow. Suddenly I didn't feel like laughing anymore. 

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JUSTIN'S POV: 

It's not like I was mad at Jack for coming back or anything, because I wasn't. Jack was a really good friend to me, even when all I'd done was cause problems for everyone, over and over. Everyone kept forgiving me, and Jack kept trying his best to make sure I was ok, and make sure that I was not hurt. It didn't matter, though, because I was. No matter what they did, every time I saw Josh with someone else, every time I saw him with Jack, and saw how happy they were, it was like something stabbed me inside. I knew that they didn't want to hurt me, and that they were my friends, but I couldn't be close to them. I didn't want to be the third wheel, and I didn't want to be a wedge that drove them apart. 

But I also wanted to be Jack. 

Every time I saw how happy he was to be with Josh, I remembered how happy I was. I thought about Josh's arms around me, or Josh's laugh in the morning. I thought about falling asleep at night spooned up against him, feeling us breathe together, his chest rising and falling against my back. I thought about how happy I'd been, and how happy I made Josh. It wasn't enough, though. Josh was happy with me, but he wasn't whole. I wanted him to be whole, wanted him to be complete, so that he could be truly fulfilled, so I didn't fight. I let him go back to Jack, but it left a hole in me. I know jealousy is a terrible thing, and I tried not to give in to it, because I didn't want to hurt them again. I know that they thought they were reaching out to me when they asked me to be Josh's best man, but that hurt, too. I'd already given Josh away, and now they wanted me to do it again. 

I didn't know how to fight my jealousy, so instead I ran away from it. Nick helped dull the pain, but like I'd said to Jack, there was nothing there, no feeling. Nick was my friend, but we didn't love each other. I don't think Nick loved anyone, or even himself, really. Nick was in love with his body, and with pleasure, but he never really felt anything. He kept me from thinking too much about Josh, though. He kept me from thinking too much about anything. If I felt down, there was Nick, ready to go shopping, or offering me a drink. He never lectured, never told me anything was wrong, and I don't think he ever thought anything was. He was always there with a boy, or a girl, or a few of each, or just with himself, ready for whatever I wanted to do to help myself forget, and it worked. My time with Nick was a blur of alcohol and sex, but when I was in the blur I didn't feel anything else. Nick did some drugs, too, but so far I'd stayed away from those. 

The sun climbed higher in the sky, and we all just lay on our towels, turning, reapplying lotion, swimming every once in a while. Jack and Josh played a couple games of chess, or read their books. Joey and Vlada played cards, and then Chris came back, and the three of them and Howie went to go play volleyball a little further down the beach. Lance dutifully carried his towel over by the net to cheer for Howie, as if he couldn't come talk to the rest of us, and Nick drifted off, claiming that he had to take care of something. As it got closer to lunchtime everyone started to gather their stuff up, and I realized that I had finished the gin and tonic in my sports bottle. As I slung my towel over my shoulder and started walking up toward the sidewalk path, I heard Josh behind me. 

"Justin, wait," he called, trotting up to me as Jack continued putting stuff in their bag and trying to shake the sand out of their towels. Only Jack would try to keep things sand-free at a beach. I waited, but didn't say anything. "Where are you going?" 

"Back to my cottage," I answered. "I need something to drink." 

Josh frowned, but skipped the lecture for once. I wonder what brought that on? 

"Justin, I was hoping you might come to lunch with us," Josh began, walking along with me. "Chris said there's a good barbecue place in town. We could get some ribs or something, and just, you know, hang out." 

Yeah, we could go get some ribs, and I could sit on the other side of the table and watch what I couldn't have. 

"I don't think so," I said, shrugging. "I'm not really hungry." 

"You should eat something if you're going to drink that much," Josh said, frowning again. Before I could say anything he held up his hands. "I'm sorry. That didn't come out right. Justin, I'm just, you know, I'm worried about you. I miss you." 

"Don't worry about me," I said, plastering on a smile. "I'm fine." 

Josh sighed, but tried again, smiling for me, his eyes sparkling above his perfect white teeth. 

"Maybe we could hang out this afternoon," he suggested. "You know, like we used to. We could just hang out, and talk and stuff." 

"Don't you and Jack have a meeting with the wedding woman this afternoon?" I asked, not quite warmly. Josh's smile slipped a little, as if he'd forgotten. 

"Yeah, we do," he answered, shrugging. "Maybe we could hang out tonight." 

"Yeah, maybe," I said, turning away. 

He didn't say anything as I walked off down the path, and I didn't look back, but I could feel his eyes on my shoulders. I thought I heard him sigh, but then I was out of earshot, so I guess I'll never know. Walking back into my bungalow, I shut the door and walked to the kitchen, opening the refrigerator to see what we had cold. Pulling a glass down, I poured myself a shot of rum and slammed it back, feeling it burn its way down my throat. >From the bedroom, I heard a sharp sort of yelp. 

I grinned. What was Nick up to now, or whom rather? Walking up to the closed door, I heard muffled talking through the door. 

"Not so hard," a male voice panted, pleading and sounding strained. "Slower." 

"Slower?" Nick asked. "Like this?" 

"Unh, yeah," the guy panted again. Oh, Nicky, a present? You shouldn't have. 

"You're so tight," Nick said, and I could hear the grin. "You like that?" 

"Unh, yeah," the guy answered, and then let out another little yelp. 

"Told you you would," Nick said triumphantly, and I swung the door open. 

Some guy, rather attractive and very well built, was on all fours on the bed, his face a blend of strain, surprise, and lust. Nick had a hand on the back of his neck, gripping him, as his steadily driving hips pounded his cock into the guy's ass. Nick's cock was sliding in and out, the shaft visible between the guy's cheeks, and Nick looked up at me, grinning, his body flexing as both of them dripped with sweat. Nick had a nice, big dick that he couldn't help being proud of, and he had a great body that I'd enjoyed on several occasions. However much Nick liked putting his cock in other people, though, I'd never let him put it in me. I'd jerked him off a few times, but I never sucked him or let him fuck me. One of us needed to be in charge of the relationship, and I needed it to be me. 

"Justin!" Nick said, grinning. He slammed forward, causing the guy under him to yelp again as he looked up at me, his brown eyes wide and glassy beneath his short brown buzz cut. He had strong shoulders, and looked to be in excellent shape. "Justin, this is David. He's one of our lifeguards. David's never been fucked before, right David?" 

"Unh, no," David panted, his voice high and breathy. He looked up at me, his mouth hanging open, and I watched him caught between a little pain and a lot of pleasure. In the shadows beneath him, I could see that David's cock was hard, pressing up against his belly. Behind him, Nick kept going, abs crunching, thighs flexing, still grinning at me. 

"He sure likes it, though," Nick said, laughing. I leaned on the wall, feeling myself get hard. 

"Does he?" I asked, running my hand over my chest, squeezing my pec. David's wide eyes followed my every move. "He sure looks like he's enjoying it." 

"You know what he might enjoy even more?" Nick asked, licking his lips. He jerked forward again, his tanned, bulging arm flexing a little as he gripped David's neck tightly. "Something in his mouth. Think you can help him out?" 

"Hmmm," I said, stepping toward him. I untied my trunks and let them drop to the floor as my hard cock bobbed out, just in front of David's face. He looked up at me, his mouth hanging open. Past him, staring down his sweaty, flexing back, I could see Nick's cock driving into him. I ran my hand up and down my cock, stroking it to full attention, coaxing a little drop of precum out of the slit. "It so happens I have something right here. Think you could help me out with this, David?" 

"Yeah," he panted, his eyes squinting in time to Nick's thrusts. I grabbed his short hair with one hand, pulling his head back and his mouth open, while I held my cock with the other. 

"Open up, then," I said, slamming forward. I pushed my cock past his wet lips, over his tongue, and felt him gag a little as I pushed it all the way in. I waited for a second, letting his jaw stretch a little, letting him get used to it, and then I pulled out most of the way and slammed in again. I began to thrust into his mouth, fucking his face, as I held his hair tightly. "Hey Nick, I think he likes it." 

"Me, too," Nick answered, grinning at me. 

I watched Nick fuck his ass as I fucked his mouth, matching Nick stroke for stroke. Between us, David was all but forgotten, just a body the two of us happened to be using as we watched each other. Every few seconds he groaned, his throat vibrating around my cock, but Nick and I didn't even glance at him, just watching each other. The game was on, once again, but no way was I giving Nick the satisfaction of me cumming first. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my cock, and the feeling of warm pleasure washing over me as I felt David's warm tongue swiping up and down my shaft while his lips gripped it in a tight ring. I tilted my head back, thinking of nothing else but my pleasure, letting all thoughts of Josh slide away again. 

 

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