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The morning of the big move to Chicago I woke up sweating from yet another nightmare. It’s so unfair that my nights are haunted by my imagination as much as my days are filled with hatred and mistrust.
Only a few months ago I made a horrible mistake. It was something I had no control over. My crime is one that I will probably never stop being punished for. I was looking at this one incredibly sexy boy in the showers at school. If you had seen him you’d have looked at that slim, perfectly formed creation as beads of water trailed down his body too. I didn’t even realize I was staring at him until I was confronted.
One of my classmates asked loudly, "Jared, are you looking at Max’s ass?"
"No, I think he’s looking at his dick!" another classmate shouted. Before I could say anything or knew what was happening I was surrounded by some of the biggest guys in the class. They mocked me and pushed me around as I left their comments unanswered. What can a gay teenage boy say when the captain of the football team whips out his huge flaccid dick and asks, "you wanna suck me?"
Oh man his dick was beautiful! If he was nice and we were alone then yeah, I’d love to see just how big that dick of his could get. But we weren’t alone and he sure wasn’t nice. He was daring me to tell the truth so he could beat the living shit out me and once I was down it would all be over but the funeral arrangements. Thank God the coach walked in, saw the commotion and broke up the crowd that surrounded me. The coach figured what was going on and he saved my life but, judging by the look in his eyes, I felt it was only because he had to.
By the next day my name was changed from Jared to "fag-boy". Kids I didn’t even know were insulting me. The coach that saved my ass looks at me with the same disgust in his eyes as every other man and boy in school. In less than a day I went from just another kid to the scum of the earth.
Just about a month ago when I went to school I found "cocksucker" painted across my locker. I was mortified! I went to the office but along the way everyone that felt like it got there insults and jabs at me. Eventually a teacher escorted me to the office and presented me as the troublemaker! Can you believe that fucking shit? I can’t help liking boys! Do they think that if it were a decision to be made I would consciously choose to be treated this way? I was suspended for five days for disagreeing with the teacher when he presented me to the vice-principal as a troublemaker. Insubordination they called it. I should’ve told them all to fuck off and die, then maybe I would’ve been expelled and I wouldn’t have had to return to that school. But noooo, I’m too well mannered and was raised by good parents so I kept quiet.
I thought that after a few days off maybe things might be better when I got back but they weren’t. No one removed the paint from my locker. After second period I was on my way down stairs towards my next class when suddenly I lost my footing and went tumbling down to the landing on my ass. I barely looked up to see what had happened before the first punch landed. I have no idea who or how many of them there were but they left me a beaten, bruised, bleeding mass when the bell rang and they raced for their third period classes. If they had the time I’m sure they would’ve killed me. Every square inch of my body hurt from my nose to my toes but I managed to get up and make it to the nurses' office. Minutes later I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital where I was diagnosed with two cracked ribs, a concussion and three loosened teeth not to mention various other bruises and scrapes. They kept me over night for observation and my dad picked me up the next day. A few days later I was at the dentist getting my teeth bound together with braces.
Now I look at myself in the mirror and see only railroad tracks. What a major bummer! I'm gay; I long to be with another boy. I want to touch another boy's penis, I want to put it in my mouth, tasting the smooth, velvety flesh and in the process make him feel the very best. But I don't want that with just anyone. I want a connection, a bond deeper than flesh, to care for and to be cared for. Who would want me now? It would be like asking someone to put his pecker in a sausage grinder! The dentist said I might be wearing these braces for a whole year!
So I resigned myself to being lonely. I’ll fly to Chicago to live with my mom since I might be hurt more severely next time if I stay here. What scares me the most is starting over in a new town and maybe making the same mistakes. What would I do then? Where could I go? How can I hide the fact that I love other boys; that to hold another boy, to be kissed by a boy would be something close to heaven on earth?
"Jared, the cab's here. Let's get going." My dad shouted up the stairs breaking my trance.
"Ok dad," I shouted and took a final look around my room. This is where I've grown up and I may not see it again for many years. I'm not really sad to be leaving given the circumstances but I do realize I'm leaving something behind to start over again. And I'm starting over because I'm queer and because I can't deny that... damn it!
During the drive to the airport and the flight I was way inside myself. My dad now knows my orientation. I had to laugh at the hospital when I told him why I got my ass beat to a pulp. He wished I had found some other way of telling him. He stayed with me all afternoon and till visiting hours where over that night during which time we talked a lot. I was just so scared and so hurt already that telling him was like the possible end of my life. But my dad understood. I can't put it any other way. He has disappointments but he wants me to be safe and happy. That's why I'm moving to Chicago; to be safe and happy while my dad goes about the business of pressing criminal charges against the school system. That's what pissed him off more than learning I was gay, finding out his son wasn't safe in school was way beyond disturbing to him.
I'm scared. So horribly and deeply frightened that trouble will follow me wherever I go. I can't hide this. I look and act and walk and talk like any other guy in my school but my heart beats fast in the locker room around dozens of hunky studs of every shape and size. Oh man, I can't help but feel all tingly. I think I hyperventilate or something. That's how I got caught staring, I'm sure of it.
I knew some of the guys in my gym class. Max was like the sweetest guy I've ever met in 14 years. And he's incredibly cute! Light, sun-bleached brown hair and high cheekbones with the cutest nose. And he's got a cute white hairless butt that contrasts with his tan. And his chest is just right, not overly developed but tight. His stomach and legs are the same way. His arms aren't huge but they're strong, I can almost feel them wrapping around me in a tight embrace. What more can I say? I was watching him because he was the manifestation of my every desire. When I looked at him and talked with him my body was flooded with the pleasure of his company.
I wished I could find some way to captivate him, some reason to get together with him after school. He never harassed me about that day in the locker room. Geez, he never spoke with me again after that day. We barely started to get to know each other and I let my fantasies ruin any chance.
I'm hopeless, sitting on a plane for a new city to make a new life that will be just like the old one. If only I could resign myself to loneliness, but I can't. There's a boy out there for me; I can almost see him in my mind. The image is foggy but the feeling he creates is very real. He would be a combination of the best parts of the best people I've ever known. We would fit together, two pieces of a six-billion-piece puzzle that are meant for each other only. It will be years if I'm very lucky to find someone like that. For now I'll just concentrate on controlling my fantasies and wandering eyes. That's a full time job all by itself.
My desire to be held and to hold someone is as strong as my conscious need to control myself though. What am I going to do? Just paint a blank expression on my face and show no emotion towards anyone or anything. Don't let anyone in to see who and what I am. I've got to be more careful, especially around cute boys. Yeah, right Jared, I mocked myself. For your next trick why don't you just defy gravity and leap tall buildings in a single bound!
The plane landed at Chicago's O'Hare Airport. After an eternity of watching the luggage turnstile go round and round my dad and I finally got our suit cases then got a rental car. I would be spending a few days at my grandma's place before moving in with my mom.
It was a warm day with a few puffy white clouds lingering lazily overhead. Noticing that there are real trees lining the streets here I began to think I could like this place and call it home. The changing colors of autumn will be really pretty in a few short months. That’s something I’ve never seen much of in Florida. Palm trees and evergreens have little need to change color or shed their leaves. Winding our way down suburban highways and streets I asked my dad how the winters are here in northern Illinois. I knew it was cold but to a Florida boy anything under sixty degrees is plenty cold enough.
My dad simply stated with a smile, "you'll get used to dressing in layers."
I knew then that I would be a goner by Christmas. I could almost hear the TV newsflash... "gay teen dies of loneliness and frozen genitals... full report at eleven."
Moments later we pulled into my grandma’s driveway. It’s been years since I’ve last been here; I barely recognized the place. I could recognize my grandma as she hobbled out of the house though. "Hey, Grams!" I shouted and waved as I stepped around the rear of the car. As I started unloading the suitcases from the trunk of the car I heard some guy yell really loud, "Good morning Mrs. Handler!"
"Good morning Sean," my grandma answered.
"Well... bye" the guy said as he hurried down the street.
All I saw was the red shirt he was wearing when I turned my head to look. I finished emptying out the trunk then my dad and I brought everything into the house. Within minutes of entering the house my grandma was herding me into the kitchen to try out some of her chocolate chip cookies, as if she might have messed up the recipe. How could I refuse home baked cookies? If I get a zit I’ll just have to suffer. I had six of the huge cookies and a large glass of milk then walked back into the living room when I was called to meet someone.
"Sean, this is Jared. Jared, Sean lives next door. Maybe you two can play together while you're in town." My grandma said as I walked into the room. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Before me stood the most outrageously gorgeous boy I’d ever seen. This kid was ten times more handsome than Max ever was. It was his hazel eyes that captivated me. His brown hair and clear, fair complexion added to a perfect picture.
I walked over and held out a shaky hand looking every where in the room but at him. God forgive me, if I looked in those eyes for more than a second I would need oxygen, a place to lie down and privacy to beat my meat raw for a few hours. Sean made my heart race and my face break out in a sweat before he even said a word. When he said, "Hello Jared," in his sexy maturing voice I couldn’t help but smile and flash a mouthful of metal at him.
I shook his hand. "Um....hey....Sean." I said looking down at the floor before he caught my lust filled eyes. Noticing I still had his hand in mine I quickly released him. This can’t be happening, I thought to myself. I’m not in Chicago three hours and I’m already meeting a boy that’s testing my ability to act like the straight, All-American boy next door. Sean kept looking at me, scanning me and making my heart race faster. I could feel myself blushing. Time seemed to stop for a few moments.
My Grandma suggested, "Why don't you two go to the park?"
Sean and I nodded at the idea. I followed him out of the house and down the street. Every question Sean asked me I answered with a simple yes or no. I couldn’t let him hear in my voice how much he was affecting me. He was being real friendly and I felt bad for acting like I wasn’t interested but how could I tell this boy what I felt or that I’m gay. Be cool, I kept telling myself. He’s just trying to welcome me. Soon enough he’d find out my little secret and either run for the hills or beat the living shit out of me. I wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell with this teenage stud. If I don’t let my imagination get the better of me then my hopes and dreams won’t be crushed when he starts avoiding me.
When we got to the park I saw so many cute shirtless boys roller-blading and playing basketball my mouth got dry and I started to shake with fear that I’d pop a bone right there and then. I should just set up an account at the local hospital emergency room. I brushed my hair out of my eyes, looked over at Sean and said, "You know, I don't really want to go to the park."
"Really, me either." Sean said looking deep into my eyes, "Want to just walk around some more?"
"Yeah...that...that would be cool." I said and started to smile. Quickly, I turned my face forward again before the summer sun reflected off my braces and blinded him. Sean was being so cool, talking with me like he’d known me for months or years. Man, that felt so good after being considered some kind of a pervert by so many for so long. For a while there in Florida I wondered if I would ever have a conversation with anyone ever again. He brought out the best in me without even trying. I wasn’t laughing so much at his jokes but overflowing with joy from being in his company.
Sean invited me to his house after our walk around the neighborhood. I almost pissed my pants when he invited me to his room but once again I pulled my act together and followed him nonchalantly. Almost every square inch of wall space in Sean’s room was covered with movie posters. It was so cool! He had the best of the old and new movie posters; from Indian Jones and Star Wars to The Matrix and Toy Story. There wasn’t a single sports or rock band poster anywhere. I sat there on his bed chatting away as if I’d known him all my life. We never stopped talking and joking around. I told Sean about my little fear of cold winters and the effect it has on certain parts of the anatomy. He just laughed and said, "that’s why God created flannel boxer shorts, bud." Right around that time I suddenly noticed Sean had moved from the desk chair to the bed as if he had been teleported there magically when I blinked my eyes. In a few short hours Sean had taken me from infatuation and lust directly into love. Yes, I loved him at that moment. My interest wasn’t solely in sex for once. I wanted him near me but I was still scared that my excitement would be seen and he’d tell me to drop dead. The more I talked to bypass my thoughts the closer he moved towards me. I started to sweat and blush again when I looked in to his eyes. His hazel eyes sparkled like jewels. I looked away briefly then looked back and saw him smiling at me. Right then it felt like my face caught fire I blushed so hard.
Sean leaned in and asked, "Why do you always hide your face from me when you smile?"
I grinned, turning bright red, and softly said, "I don't know. I just do." The real reason I was turning away was so that he wouldn’t see the goofy look of love that had to be written all over my face. That would scare him off. I could live without Sean as my boyfriend if I had to but I wouldn’t be happy without him in my life. I looked down and studied the carpeted floor.
"C'mon, let me see it." Sean said.
"Why?" I asked. Please Sean, I thought to myself, you mean a lot to me already and I’m so scared of loosing your friendship.
Sean insisted, "Because. Just let me see."
"Geez, it's not that big a deal." I said knowing he wasn’t going to let me off the hook. He wants to see me smile. He wants to see my braces, Lord only knows why.
"Pleeeeaaase?" Sean whined.
Oh God, please take me off this planet now. I thought I’d just heard the sound of an angel as I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Turning towards him I playfully smiled as wide as I could. "Happy now?" I said, then turned my eyes back to the floor, looking up at him from time to time. He made me laugh at myself and the whole situation. If he only knew how those braces got wired into my mouth would he still be as friendly?
Sean patted me on the back and said, "That wasn't so bad was it?"
I giggled insanely at his touch and lightly punched him in the shoulder. For a few moments we pushed and punched each other playfully. My heartbeat had broken the sound barrier and was rapidly approaching the speed of light. I could feel my cock lengthen in my pants and it scared me that he might see it. Controlling it or willing it to not get hard was out of the question. I had to get out of there and quick! "I'm...I'm sorry. Look, my grams is gonna be looking for me, I've gotta go." I said getting up and stepping towards the bedroom door before he saw my erection.
Sean said, "Jared...dude, you don't have to leave."
"Yeah...I do. Sorry Sean."
"Well...wait.." he said, "Can I...you wanna do something tomorrow?"
I didn't look at him; my back was turned from him with embarrassment. "We'll see." I answered.
Sean softly asked, "Did I do something wrong?"
"No...it's me. I guess...I'll see you tomorrow." I said and quickly left the house. My nerves were completely shattered for the rest of the day and all night. Sean’s so cute, open, honest, friendly… I sighed deeply. I couldn't stop thinking about him, couldn't stop hearing his voice roll through my mind and couldn't wait to see him again.
Oh God, please give me a sign here, I prayed. Do I get friendly with this boy? Can I trust him to be my friend? Would he still want to be my friend if he found out I’m gay? Could we be more than friends? It hurts so much, like iodine in a deep wound. I know I need a friend and I want to be his friend but I can’t help flinching away. At the same time I know he makes me feel good and I want to be with him. I can’t hide my secret from him. He’s being open and honest with me, I really should try and do the same. But Sean’s not getting a hard-on from being with me! Be open and honest then prepare for a major let down? I can’t do any of this! What am I going to do?
In the morning I barely got showered, dressed and finished breakfast before Sean knocked on the door. As soon as I saw him all questions and doubts escaped me. I followed him around the neighborhood again. To be near him thrilled me to the core but at the same time the need to get away from him pestered me. I couldn’t look at him. Why couldn’t Sean be ugly inside and out? Why can’t I have a guy for a friend without wanting to touch him and be touched by him?
Sean invited me to his house after our tour. Then he invited me to his room again. I could be alone with him anywhere but in his bedroom. How pathetic can I be? I want to be alone with him but it scares me beyond belief. Sean gave me no reason whatsoever to feel frightened, it was only me and my perverted homosexual fantasies. I really started to sweat when he sat next to me on the bed again. I moved away from him a little and Sean stopped talking. Then he leaned back on his bed. I still don’t know why I moved closer to him but I did and looked down in to those precious hazel eyes. There was sadness in his eyes, as if I had hurt him by moving away. My legs started to bounce up and down while the rest of me gathered the strength to speak. For a moment or two there I was afraid to open my mouth because the butterflies in my stomach were flapping so intensely I thought I might vomit.
"Sean, if I tell you something, will you keep it a secret." I whispered.
"Sure." He said softly. There seemed to be a hint of impatience in his voice, as if he needed me to explain or maybe he was just bored with me.
"No, I mean it. Please? Promise you won't laugh at me or tease me."
"I promise." He said and I could tell he meant it.
I looked away and took another deep breath. I asked, "Did my Gramma tell you that I might be moving in with my mom across town soon?"
"Yeah, she mentioned it to me once."
"Well...the reason I'm moving is because..things are...bad for me back home." I explained. "The kids in school, they all tease me. They call me names and write stuff on my locker, sometimes they even push me around. My parents are afraid that someone might try to...you know, hurt me or something."
"It couldn't have possibly been that bad. What did they do? Tease you because of your braces or something."
My world was crashing down around me. I had to tell him the truth now. Spending another moment with him when I felt so strongly about him would tear me apart. If he’s gonna freak out let’s just get it over and done with. As tears rolled down my face I said with a quivering voice, "They...they...um..." My voice strained to speak the words. Sean sat up and put his arm over my shoulder to reassure me. He’s such a warm, caring person. It’s gonna suck not having him as a friend. I coughed to clear my voice and continued, "They call me 'fag' and 'queer' and 'homo'...and they laugh at me wherever I go. They won't even sit next to me on the bus. They spray paint the word cocksucker on my locker, and they painted my bike pink while I was in school. And then, one day, this group of big kids pushed me down the stairs and then they came down and beat the shit out of me. All because they caught me looking at some guy in the showers." I couldn’t control my sobbing another second and broke down crying.
Here we go. He’s gonna freak out. I’ll be lucky if he only throws me out of the house. I glanced over at Sean for a second then looked away again. Was that tears I saw in his eyes and rolling down his face? Barely able to believe what I saw I assumed he was sad because I was gay. So our friendship won’t amount to much. He won’t want a fag for a friend. Sean didn’t say a word though. He didn’t tell me to leave or freak out or anything. I noticed his arm was still around my shoulder; he hadn't moved away from me. Between that and his quiet tears I felt this uncontrollable need to thank him for understanding. I wanted to kiss him and since I’ve fucked up yet another life in another town I went with it. I looked up at him and whispered, "I'm sorry...but I have to do this, just once," and then I quickly stole a kiss from his lips. Quickly I got up and got ready to go. I looked back at Sean expecting him to curse me out or something but he sat there silent. "Aren't...aren't you gonna yell at me or something?" I asked.
Sean looked down at the floor and shook his head.
My emotions were overflowing and mixing in crazy ways. "Sean? Are you okay?" I said, wishing he would say something, anything at all. I sat down next to him to look in his eyes and he quickly stole a kiss from my lips! Not knowing exactly what it meant, I thanked him for not freaking out and making my life a nightmare then kissed his cheek. Satisfied I hadn’t made an enemy I stood and walked toward the door. Maybe we wouldn’t be best friends but at least he doesn’t hate me.
As I reached for the doorknob Sean said, "I love you Jared." I couldn’t believe what I just heard. Shivers ran up and down and back up my spine. Turning around I looked at him, searching for some hint of his intentions. He looked away so quickly I thought his head might roll right off his shoulders.
"Really?" I asked in complete amazement. I was so unprepared to hear those words but I wanted him to know that I cared a lot for him too. "Oh...oh wow. I...uh..I guess...I love you too." I said.
Sean looked up at me and I looked away. When I looked back at his face and rosy cheeks then he looked away. At opposite sides of the room we took turns looking at each other and blushing. Then he whispered, "Why don't you close the door...and...stay a while."
Closing the door I sat next to him on the bed, our shoulders and legs touching. When he smiled at me my heart exploded with joy and I smiled flashing some metal braces at him before I turned away. Sean softly kissed my neck making me shudder and giggle like crazy. He kept on kissing my neck and up to my cheek then back down to my neck again showing me that he really did love me. I sighed loudly and closed my eyes. Sean kept kissing me softly and slowly. Turning towards him I closed my eyes and our lips met, just barely touching. We were both shaking. Our first shared kiss was pure bliss for me. I dreamt of meeting someone as kind and gentle as Sean but never did I expect it would ever happen. Our kisses became more urgent and Sean’s hand caressed my thigh. Never have I felt so wonderful. Yesterday I started to fall in love with Sean and now he was showing me that he loved me too. My hand moved into his crotch, a bit faster and with more force than I intended making him jump.
I was so embarrassed! "Hehehe...sorry..." I said, hoping I didn’t hurt him.
"It's alright. I want you to touch me Jared." He said taking my hand and putting it back in his lap.
I could feel his hard cock through his pants and I started to rub it gently. Sean kissed me again and his tongue entered my mouth. It gave me such a tremendous rush I started rubbing his hot cock faster and harder. There seemed to be a nice five or so inches of hot teen boy meat hidden in his pants and I wanted to see it, to taste it, to make him have the most intense orgasm of his life. I moaned softly into Sean’s mouth.
He broke our kiss and stood up. I looked at him hoping our play time wasn’t over already. "What? What's the matter?" I said.
Sean reached for his belt and started undoing it. I couldn’t believe my luck! He wants to have sex with me as much as I want him. I moaned and whimpered as I stood up and practically ripped my pants off of me! As soon as I was naked I lay back on his bed and spread my legs wide for him. Sean’s naked form standing before me filled me with desire and anticipation. He crawled over me and I pulled him down on top of me. He kissed me then started grinding that perfect cock of his into my groin, making me delirious with passion. Sean kept kissing my lips then down my neck and back up again, licking my earlobes. My every other breath was a whimper or moan. He moved down again, rubbing his face into my shirt, inhaling deeply and sighing loudly. When Sean started kissing the insides of my thighs I went ballistic, squirming and moaning my approval. He licked his way back up my thigh, over my scrotum and up my throbbing shaft. When he took me into his warm mouth I went stir crazy! If I was more coherent I might’ve told him just how fantastic he was making me feel or how much I loved him in every way but all I could do was run my fingers through his hair and groan while he bobbed up and down on my sensitive cock. I started to get that tingly feeling like I had seconds before I blew my load. Pulling my T-shirt over his head I started whimpering with every straining breath. Another few seconds of his magical technique pushed me over the edge. I cried out, thrust my hips up and exploded into his hungry mouth. Nothing ever felt so good. Sean kept sucking and licking my cock even after I had given him all I had to give. My dick was so sensitive and I wanted to kiss him so much that I had to pull him up before they had to send for the men with the funny white coats to haul my ass away! As I came down from the most intense orgasmic high of my life I thanked him and told him I loved him.
When my breathing returned to normal and Sean took a break from kissing me I rolled him over and took his hard cock in my hand. I was about to live my greatest fantasy; pleasing the most sensitive caring boy in the world. Slowly I stroked his boner as I shifted into position to take him into my hungry mouth. I admired his equipment and opened my mouth, ready to please him like I had always dreamed. The next thing I knew his cum was squirting out and all over us both! I licked some of his tasty juice from my lips and continued to stroke him through what appeared to be a pretty wild orgasm. I couldn’t help but laugh. My face was covered with his cum so I wiped some off with my shirt before lying next to my first boyfriend and covering him with kisses. We were both giggling like mad while we kissed and touched each other.
I cuddled close to my lover and he held me as if I might escape. There was no way I would ever leave him. In two days Sean became the center of my universe. He saved me from a life of loneliness and I’ll always be grateful for that. We lay there quietly side by side, kissing occasionally, looking into each other's eyes. For the first time in months I felt comfortable with my surroundings and myself. I knew we would have a long, happy life together.