This story takes place in Ireland, my homeland. Some words and uses of words may be unfamiliar. I'll list them below and explain them as best as I can.
Mollycoddled: To be overprotective/baby someone.
Football: Soccer Ball/Soccer Sport
Natter: Mindless, Unimportant Gossip
As They Say
Entry Two: The Boy Next Door
4th May 1991: Part 1
Alright where should I begin, it’s not like I’m clueless but it’s like wow… Okay, I have no idea what to put here. Although I think my handwriting is getting bad again L so that’s something I have to work on. Talk about humiliation this morning. The house sounded dead quite when I woke up. I thought nothing of it, so I just kinda lunged out of bed and tossed any old thing on, just anything I could find to go to the bathroom. Basking in nothing but my cotton shorts and shirtless torso. I headed down the stairs after I had my morning pee. The further I descended the stairs the more inconspicuous I became. I was like a ninja walking on broken glass. I was trying to be as careful as to not arouse suspicion or trip the alarm. I did not want to cause an unhealthy shift in my weight and cause an unwarranted creaking of the fine crafted stairs beneath my bare feet. I could smell the heavenly scent of rashers and sausages linger in the air. It drifted from the kitchen and made a temporary home within the confined walls of our two-story farmhouse.
Natter, clanking and gentle laughter flooded out from the open kitchen door once I finally arrived on the opposite side of the blockade. I didn't really think much into; I mean, usually, it had always been mam and dad on the other side of the door, and since it was early in the morning I didn’t expect any outsiders to be here. I did not hesitate in pushing the wooden door open and heading straight for the fridge to get my daily dosage of vitamin c and vitamin B12 or whatever you call it. Actually, the only reason I know those vitamins is because mam was always on about them. I have no idea what they do or what they stand for other than milk is good for bones and teeth. On the contrary, I would have hesitated if I knew who was on the far side of the kitchen door if had I stopped for a moment and listened.
I shit you not! I got about halfway across the kitchen, heading towards the fridge and I froze when I saw my mam standing at the sink and Mrs. Wilson seated at the table with a young boy from the side of my peripheral vision. My mam didn't waste any time by enhancing and furthering my embarrassment by saying "Morning handsome… Oh, my nipples; It’s been a long time since I’ve seen nipples.” I could have died there and then… Another boy was in my house, that I did not know and my mam says that. The kid probably thinks I’m mollycoddled. Ugh… and to make matters worse I’m standing only half-dressed, I was really caught off guard. Mrs. Wilson paid my mam a compliment as I sheepishly backed my way towards the fridge. “He’s turning into a fine young man.” she dryly said. Those where her exact words and furthermore the kid sitting at the table had this blank expressionless face. He appeared to be lost or deep in thought. I almost felt bad for him being here, being forced to engage in small talk with these two women.
I felt conscious about my appearance, only in the last couple of months have I started to contemplate my feelings and about how I am as a person. I mean nothing has changed and I don’t treat anyone differently than I had before, but some scary details had surfaced on the storm front that I don’t think I would share with anyone else. The possibility of liking boys. I mean I had an attraction to boys. Girls were hot, but something about boys was just like I don’t know… Special. If I was truly gay, then this would not start, nor the impression I would want to make if the other boy was truly gay.
Did I just say I'm GAY?????? God, I'm pathetic. I’m GAY… I like girls. It’s not my fault. I try to like them more and more, day by day but it doesn’t matter how hard I try every time. When I see a boy something difference arises, it’s something more than girls just being hot. Sure, I have had thoughts about some of my friends and other guys from school and kinda gave in to temptation and jerked off. Why can’t I fix myself? I don’t want to be this way, I just want me normal. It kills me to hear my friends talking about girls and how hot they think they are when all along I'm secretly looking at the finer details on them. How their eyelash's flutter or when they smile and their athletic bodies.
Anyway, back on to the topic at hand, the boy stead quiet and so did as I poured myself a glass milk. My mam then tipped me on the shoulder and said: "Adam where’s your manners” while giving me a disapproving look. I knew that she wanted me to say something to the boy. I guess that's why he was here, his grandmother had brought him. I mean Mrs. Wilson stopped by with the hopes that he and I could become friends. I didn’t even know the kid's name but oh boy. He was really attractive.
He looked like he had just recently showered and his chestnut short hair was trimmed neatly. His marble emerald eyes made my chest feel a little tight and sigh with content. I guess in all the ways I could introduce myself, I made a fuckery at that because the adults did not try and introduce us. They just sort of went back to talking what they were talking about beforehand. The boy kept sneaking glances at me. I'm not if he was looking at my chest or if he was waiting for me to say something. But I did and it sounded like "Hey… I'm Adam. I don't know your name" in doing I just extended my arm for a handshake feeling my confidence dwindle a little. I felt some relief when he said that his name was Ross. His name was kinda cute, I was not expecting his name to be something well like ROSS… I was expecting something a little more common, like my name. After I shuck hands with the boy we had a couple of awkward one-liners when his granny said that they had to go into town, and that maybe the two of us could hang out later on and that I’d show him around town. I was nervous at the prospect but come to think of it I just stood through an entire session with a stranger topless so I guess I could theoretically face anything if I could do that. We made arrangements to possibly meet around 2 pm when they came back. I couldn’t say I’d actually keep to my word but it made me rather curious to get to know Ross. He was after all cute… “Ugh… STOP SAYING CUTE ADAM… HES A BOY. GOD, HOW AM I GOING TO LIVE LIKE THIS." I guess I should just end this here before it gets gayer. - Adam
4th May 1991: Part 2
Okay well, today was… scary but at the same time it was one of the weirdest days I have ever experienced in my entire life. I’m not sure how to sum it up. It was almost like I didn’t want to be around Ross encase I was to give up a part of my identity in a misinterpreted moment. I mean I didn’t want him knowing that I was gay until I kind of got to know him better or figured out that he also be on the same team as me. But until then everything that I want to say but can’t say will go into this diary and never see the light day.
I did on the other enjoy the time I spent with Ross. I did keep my promise it was harder than anything else I had to face in my entire. Okay so after the neighbors left I got ready but ended up doing nothing until the clock reached 2 pm. However, dad lumbered me with washing the car and also mowing the lawn. I was doing the grass for a good fifteen minutes when heard a familiar voice shouting from our boundary wall at the end of the driveway. Truth be told I was hoping it was that kid, but I doubted myself that he would be calling me like that. Instead, when I stopped the mower I was riding I looked over to see Carl sitting on his bike. Sure, enough when I wandered down he was full of excitement as he usually is. He never seemed to have a dull moment, which was unheard of compared to all my friends. I mean nothing affected him, he never had a bad day, he was moody or angry. He was always in high spirits. He stopped by to let me know he was going down the arcade by himself and asked if I wanted to come. Of course, I would have jumped at the option in a heartbeat, since he’s my best friend and all. But part me wanted to stick around for the new kid.
I don’t know how I did it but I managed to explain the situation to Carl, he didn't seem to mind and seemed genuine when he suggested bringing the dude along if he’s new in town. I had to admit I was not ready to share a new friend that I had barely even got to know yet. I don’t understand it but I wanted to have some personal time with him on my own in order to form some sort of a bond. I guess it’s safe saying that if I invited Ross along with us that I would not be offending Carl and I’d still get a chance to show Ross that he was welcome to some extent.
So, we arranged that; when Ross came back and if he felt up to it, I’d bring him along, if not then I’d see Carl at the arcade around 3 pm. To be honest, the time flew, I stopped for lunch and listened to some of the summer vibes they were blasting out on the radio. But what happened after lunch is what made the best part of this day enjoyable. Since I was only half finished cutting the grass I decided to continue on with and get it over and done with. That’s around the same time mam ran into town to go to the shops. She said she’d be about twenty minutes and she drove off. While I finished the remainder of the grass and rode on the machine I just started to zone off into the distance. I tried to imagine how I would approach Ross. I guess I was so lost in thought, that I completely blanked out the sharp clacking noise that could be heard next door.
When I kind of focused on the sound it sounded more and more like a football being kicked at a brick wall. My attention was taken, it had to be Ross, was it 2 pm already. I felt a little disappointed that he didn’t knock for me, but at the same I guess I was glad. I still was not sure what to say to him. Shutting off the mower was probably the biggest give away that I wasn’t mowing the lawn anymore. I was finished so I just put the mower back in the garage and out of curiosity since I had nothing else to do I walked down our driveway a little. I peered through the hedging that separated our two gardens and I saw Ross kicking a football at the side of the house. I could have stood and just watched him kick the ball about. I know that sounds creepy but truth be told it seemed nice to watch him when he was not aware. I found that he could not put up a guarded front or pretend to be someone he’s not. He was lost in his own thought and pastime that he just didn't care, he was just trying to pass the time I guess. Yet he still knew that I was next door.
What happened next scared the crap out of me, he just sort of disappeared out of sight. I tried shifting to get a better view but then the kicking of the ball ceased and I kind of felt disappointed that he had stopped. I was about to back away from the bush when I was confronted with these two beautiful green eyes. I jumped back from fright, I had been caught. “FUCK… FUCK… FUCK” he’s going to think I'm weird. I managed to duck low and scurried the rest of the distance back up to the house. I know that I would be somehow safe inside from prying eyes. I needed time to recompose myself. What would he think of me for spying on him? I hope he does not think I'm a creep or some weirdo. Sigh. I didn’t have the guts to go back out to him anytime soon. I helped unpack the shopping when mam came back and by the time I had done that she actually told me to get out! That it was a lovely day out.
I guess with nothing to do and I was afraid to leave my own house. I took a bit of gamble and went next door anyway. I guess I spent about fifteen minutes at the bottom of their driveway. I just ran through everything that I could say to Ross. I hoped he would come with me and not think of what happened earlier was weird. I was curious, it wasn’t anything serious or pervy. I fixed my hair and clothing, with an impression that I looked weird and I did not look the part but once I got past that, I reasoned with myself that everything was going okay. I was asking did he want to come out or not, right?
When I finally got the courage. I walked up that driveway and pressed the doorbell. In those couple seconds, every sense was amplified. My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing. I guess I calmed down a little when his grandmother opened the door with a nonchalant smile that radiated outwards. It immediately made me feel warm. I think she was happy that I knocked, and that I was going to give her grandson I presumed a chance.
I thought it was totally sweet when his grandmother called up the stairs when I said that I was here from Ross. She made small chat with me and even asked how I was doing, while she mumbled on about Ross taking forever. I guess he was busy doing something before I arrived. I guess I had caught him at an awkward time. When he finally bounded down the stairs he looked a little awkward and red in the cheeks. Had he been blushing or something, maybe he was embarrassed. I also found it a little odd that he hid behind his grandmother or the older woman. I guess we hit it off because when I asked him would he like to go the arcade he said yes with hesitation, and Mrs. Wilson stepped aside. That’s when I saw his shorts; It looked like he had a deflating boner down there and I quickly started to get aroused about the prospect. Did I actually knock when he was jerking off, my mind was flooded with questions? What was he doing it too, how big is he, does he have any hair and well can he cum. God if mam ever read this I would lose my will to live. I'm going to have to find a spot to hide this. Just like the time when I had to hide the small newspaper and magazine clippings I ripped out for my naughty times or the way I disposed of countless socks and other clothes after I used them as cumrags. Ross quickly shot into action though when his grandmother moved aside and turned his back to me, he used the excuse “Let me get my shoes.” I guess that was a legitimate reason but still, you can’t deny he had a boner, after all, he seemed flustered or nervous while he was popping on his shoes.
Most of the evening was pretty cool, we walked into town together and we even got some sort of conversation going. It was just small talk, like what sports teams we followed and so on. I guess I was surprised when he said he loved R.E.M. I never really listened to their music but I’d heard of them. I took note, that while I was in town I’d save some of my money and buy their album. I wanted to have more to say to Ross other than my boring old self and hobbies. The arcade was fun and short and I think for the most part of Carl was happy that I invited Ross along. He seemed content with my new friend and tried to make him feel welcome. While we were walking home I felt the adrenaline rush subside I knew that I was running out of time. Sundown was approaching and it was dinner before we knew I had to say goodbye to him. I know tomorrow that I will knock for him first thing in the morning and not be afraid. I had to be brave if I wanted to get to know him. I wanted him to think I was cool. I guess there was no better way to end the night than by wanking but come to think of it I've been doing it a lot lately. I was stuck with the decision of not doing and doing it. I didn’t want to make it a habit but it felt so good. I did try to resist but Ross just got me that worked up to the point, that I will end this right now and deal with my problem.
P.S - I said I would pick that R.E.M album so that I could hear what his favorite band was. In all, I was kinda short of money today, but I'll ask mam tomorrow can she buy me the album. Anyway night - Adam
The End Of Entry 2 - More to come