As They Say

Entry 22: Secrets

This story takes place in Ireland; my homeland. Some words and the uses of the words maybe unfamiliar. I'll list them below and explain them as best as I can.

Biscuit - Americans version of a cookie.

Bit The Biscuit - Essentially you have gone too far or crossed the line.

Cluedo - A detective based board game in which the player(s) must figure out who the murder is among them, 2-6 players.

15th June 1991

Not so great news. It's funny how my life seems to be on a high at the moment then all of sudden my mam rolls in and pulls the plug on all the fun I could be having. I was made help out at the church. It was so so boring; you have no idea. Why I was dragged into it, I'll never know, but I hope I am never pulled into it again. At least the day was semi-okay. Thomas was there, and he was made help out too. Not that the two of us have much in common. The two of us are always just friendly to each other; he hangs around with the group sometimes, only I consider him more outsider than an actual friend.

Standing in the back room, I was helping him before he had to go out onto the altar with the priest since he's an altar boy. And well this weird conversation came up about Ross. Thank God that the priest was gone because if he were around, I would have been mortified considering he's religious and all. So anyway Thomas is like so smooth when he talks to me. I never noticed it before, but he has this thing that he does with his nose, he kind of ruffles it in the middle of each sentence. Though when Thomas usually talks to me in the group, he's usually a lot more quiet and standoffish. Though today he was more confident: talkative even. I've no idea what changed, but it seems like he was asking if I wanted to hang out more. I don't know him all that well, but he's a nice guy, and also I said, "okay sure if you want to…" I can't really explain it. The way he smiled at me after I said that I would hang out with them, it was like he was getting presents on Christmas morning. It made me feel uncomfortable for some weird reason; not that anything happened, but I didn't like it. I don't know why I said I'd hang out with him; I figured what harm would be in it. So great now I have an appointment with the quietest member of our group. It seems weird to contemplate this, but I've never actually hung out with Thomas; I have been to Carl's house, Eli's, and Connor's too: when I think about it realistically – but not his.

So tomorrow I have to ditch Ross, which I'm not exactly happy about. I guess this is only to make friends because eventually, I'm going to have to accept the fact that Ross is never going to be around forever. What did I write that for… fuck I shouldn't have written that. Now I feel bad... thanks a lot, Thomas. I have all the time in the world to hang around you; of all the times you decided to invite me over to your house, why doesn't have to be on the short timescale that Ross might be here for. I don't know when he's going or how long he will continue to live here; Ross could be staying for another week, perhaps another month or what happens if he has to go home tomorrow. Let's hope that doesn't happen because I'll cry my eyes out if he does. I don't think I'd be able to handle weekly letters to London; just waiting for him to get back to me: that'd be like gutting the inside of a burnt out building to me. I've no idea why I choose that representation, but it's the grossest and the darkest thing I can think of right now. Maybe if I knocked early enough for Ross. I'd be able to meet with my boyfriend, I guess, is he my boyfriend? We haven't really talked about this. He's the only one I want surely. I'm the only one he likes, right. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll get up early and go hang out with Ross for a while. Then later I'll go over to Thomas. And if I arrive a little earlier, I might be able to leave early and get back to my baby. Yeah… no, I'll stick to Ross, baby looks weird to read.

Oh, and before I forget; Ross and I snuck off down the backfield: not far from our houses. We made out for about twenty minutes. It is, after all, a new record for sure. However, I have got a new problem. No, it's not what you're thinking. It's not the buzz that I get when I'm kissing him; it's that I'm dying to breed when I'm kissing him. It's like when our mouths are connected; I forget to take a breath. By the time our lips unhinge, I do be gasping for air. I have no idea in the slightest why he finds it so amusing, but hey at least he's willing to kiss me.

So I will have to figure out a new way to breathe and kiss at the same time. Can I draw air in through and down my nose while we kiss.  It won't seem odd, would it?  I think that's how I'll have to do it. I wish sometimes there was a book or something I can read, not that I read much at all, but it would be nice to know all the awkward experiences that I'm facing: that someone else has gone through it. What if my mam and dad ever encountered weird stuff like this, actually, second thought I don't want to know that taught is creepy.

Well, later night- Adam.

 16th June 1991

Today didn't pan out to be all bad. I guess you could say I killed two birds with one stone; no... I didn't kill any birds relax. Like I planned out my head last night, I went over to see Ross before Thomas. Ross was happy to see me, and he was charming, cute, and adorable. Awhh… He's perfect. I just had this weird realisation, but if you were to compare a cute puppy to Ross, Ross is cuter than the puppy.

I know I know, the thoughts are overwhelming, it's like... sigh. So anyway, I went to visit Ross. The two of us kicked a ball back and forth for a while. While he was passing the football to me, he asked, "hey… eh… Adam." To which I lightly nudged the football back in his direction and said, "yeah?"

Ross teasingly kicked the ball back at me. Furthermore, he fumbled backwards toppling into the bush that had separated us the first day when I was sneaking a sneak peek. While I wouldn't exactly call it a sneak peek anymore, it was more like an oh... I've been spotted scenario. That's when he came back with a smile on his face and said, "do you think we could go to Killarney again." I stopped kicking the football for a minute, pushed my foot down on it to prevent it from rolling away. Now I knew that he liked Ross Castle. And if he really wanted to visit again, then I had no complaints. As far as I can recall you can hire bikes to cycle around the park, but then again why would I need bikes. I could just ask dad to mount mine to the car, and he can drive us there. We could cycle around the entire park, that’s if my parents let me. So I gave him an affirmative nod and just went back to the football. We kicked it around for a little bit, and I told him that I had to go.  I had every intention of coming back to see him later on. He asked me where I was going. I said that I made a promise to Thomas. I found it funny that he didn't ti come along; Though I left.

When I arrived at Thomas's house, he was out in the front garden with his mother at a table. When I started up the driveway, he leapt out of the chair he was sitting in and briskly made his way down to me. I felt weird somehow or another because I've never seen him move that fast. Not that he is fat, but let's just say he's comfortable. But then again, I never really taught of his weight as such, he's plainly Thomas to me.

The two of us met halfway on the path; the energy he was releasing was ecstatic. Now I'm quite certain that something is up, he's never behaved this way or in this manner before. When we're in the group, he tags along and says nothing much, what has changed all of a sudden.

He was like, "Adam… You actually came."

I became a little sheepish, and I was like, "well you did invite me… right."

Moreover, there was this weird silence for a second. Thomas merely giggled to himself, but it was rather girlish in a way. I never heard him snicker like that, but the giggle got me to crack a smile for some reason. Not that I found it attractive or something, why did I say attractive? Nevermind, anyway I just meant it was funny. Moving on anyway, he just gave me a nod and then he led me back up the driveway to meet his mam.

His mam only wanted to be addressed as Mrs Brenner, Thomas told me cautiously as the two of us made our way back up the driveway. He said, "can you call her by her maiden name." So, I did, I stuck to my guns, and I had this hard lump in my throat every time I addressed her. It was like I was afraid to greet her in case something terribly went wrong. I was given the impression that if I said anything else other than Mrs Brenner, then I would be kicked out. Not that I would've minded being kicked out, then again being kicked out is not a pleasant feeling.

Once we got that out of the way, Thomas showed me around his house. I guess you could say that living in the countryside you'd expect him to have more land. When I think of everyone in the group, he's the one who has the least ground, or his family at so to speak. The house was literally on a small patch of land. I taught our property was small, but this bites the biscuit; though he had this lovely treehouse at the end of the back garden. So I guess it made up for the smallness of the entire place. It's weird; a white picket fence surrounds the whole perimeter of their property, you know that type of order shit deal. You know like one of those things you see in Hollywood family film: where all the family are so happy, and everything is clean and spick-and-span. His house was a peachy yellow of all things; I had my money set on the fact I'd see a fairy float by during my visit, though to no avail.

I didn't get to see a lot inside of the house, however; which I found a little weird considering that most people bring me in to look at their bedrooms or their bathrooms or wherever they put their shoes. Though no his mother insisted that we couldn't go inside the house, matter fact, I don't think she wants anybody inside the house. So instead we went the treehouse. I guess you could say it was pretty basic. It had a sofa, small coffee table, a couple of board games in the corner which I can imagine Thomas playing on his own, and a telescope that faced out a window to the north. It was a cool little nuck; It wouldn't be my sort of thing to hang out in all day, but Thomas seemed at home here. It was well-maintained, the outside of the treehouse was brilliantly adored, and the inside was warm and cosy.

After a while, Thomas set up Cluedo. I wasn't really in the mood for playing a game though he kept asking did I want to do anything in particular. And I guess Cluedo was better than cards or monopoly. I picked Mr Mustard, and the killer was the nerdy guy: whose name escapes me, with the wrench in the study. We only played one game, and I felt like he was trying to keep me there for longer than I wanted to be there. 

I must be cool or something; is it this what popular is like. Thomas was grateful I was giving him time, he didn't want me to go. He asked if I wanted anything to drink or eat, and I let him go to retrieve snacks. While I was waiting around, I decided to get up and stretch my legs. I was walking around the treehouse. Since he was taking a little longer than I was expecting him to take; I wandered over towards the telescope. I didn't bother to move it. Instead, I just ducked down and glanced through the lens to see what was on the other end, and it made me feel a little uneasy.

At the end of the warped glass was my house. I wasn't sure what to think, neither do I now, but it was creepy. My house was a couple of fields over, but this made me feel even more self-conscious. The position of the telescope, however, was angled at the backyard. That didn't stop my mind wandering from where else the telescope might've been.

I wonder how long the telescope has been facing in my direction. I do usually leave my blinds open during the night, just even to see Ross, however, tonight I'm closing them. The talk afterwards was a little distracting thinking of Thomas peeping through the telescope a couple of fields over at me. I don't have anything to hide, but it made me feel weird for even going to Thomas's house this evening. Anyway, I kindly took the drink and the snacks that he had brought out and then after that I said I had to go. He seemed a little sad, but he seemed to understand, so went.

When I returned I knocked in for Ross, his grandmother said that he was around in the back garden. When I did go around the yard, he had his hand in an engine of a car. This was an entirely new topic to me but guess I've fallen in love with a grease monkey. He was changing the oil, cleaning the engine a bit of his grandfather’s car. Ross seemed to be doing it with pride; you know the same way I do my model train display. He seemed to be really into it, and I watched a few minutes before even calling him.

He noticed me first before I got a chance to call him. He turned around to get something off the ground. A smile reestablished his face, and he just came running to me. I can't decide whether his contemplating face or his natural smile is more radiant, perhaps both are.

I just got all shy and bashful, and I was like oh God he's so adorable. Ross had a couple of smudges of black on his cheek, and his hands were black, as black as black can go. I think he has a habit of rubbing his face when his hands are dirty, that is abundantly clear. Ross held his arms out widely so that his hands wouldn't touch off my clothes and he wrapped himself awkwardly around me for a hug, and I hugged him back.

That was my day; I now know a couple of things about servicing a car, and on top of that I think Thomas is spying on me. Well, I guess it could've gone worse, but then again, anytime I'm in my room now I'm closing the blind. It's gross and awkward to even think of Thomas looking at me through a telescope lens. What happens if I was jerking off or something like that and he saw me. Should I tell someone or should I just keep my mouth shut? I'm not sure either way, but I'll settle for bed for now - Adam.

The End Of Entry 22

Thanks for sticking with me through another entry everyone. I hope you enjoy this one. I glad to be back on track. Please comments and emails are welcome :)