JC's Hitchhiker

 

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CHAPTER 91

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JACK'S POV: 

The reception was in full swing well into the evening. Everyone had sat down for dinner, and Justin and Carla had given beautiful, heartfelt toasts about friendship and love and wanting Josh and I to be happy. People had clinked their glasses so many times during dinner that we had barely gotten any food in, and I wondered why we couldn't have just gone for the low quality, plastic stemware, but of course that wouldn't have been perfect, and so far everything had been, except for my little tiny slip with the vows. Josh had assured me repeatedly that I hadn't ruined our wedding, and that I needed to stop dwelling on it. 

After dinner the staff took out some of the tables as people drifted back out to the bar for more cocktails, and the bandleader called for Josh and I to come up to the front. As he introduced us for our first dance as a married couple, everyone burst into applause, and Josh pulled me to the middle of the dance floor as the band began an instrumental version of "This I Promise You" and smiled down at me, his face beaming as it had been all day, his smile wide with his gleaming white teeth and beautifully tanned skin. 

"They're playing our song," Josh whispered into my ear as we began to waltz softly around the floor. It was the first time we had been alone since the quick talk we had before the ceremony. We weren't technically alone, what with everyone staring and smiling, but nobody else was on the floor, and we could whisper at our leisure. "I love you, Jack." 

"I know, and I love you, too, " I answered, smiling at him. The colored lights shining on the dance floor caught his eyes, reflecting and flashing, playing over the starched white shirts of the fabulous tuxedos we'd picked out. "You've been saying that all day. Don't you ever get tired of it?" 

Josh laughed, and I could see people sighing as they wondered what we were talking about. Maybe they knew. The two of us had been fawning all over each other for the past few days, always holding hands, even worse than usual. The few days before that had just been so hard that all we wanted to do now was be with each other, and hold each other, and find strength in our love, because we, at least, had that. The guys had pulled together to convince us to go through with all of this, but underneath their forced gaiety you could see the strain peeking through. Josh and I were trying to take care of everyone else, but it was hard to focus on others when they were focused on you. I looked around the room at our friends as we moved through the steps we knew so well. 

Carla, who was grinning as she realized that I learned all of these dances during those classes she and I had taken so long ago, was standing by Joey, jabbing him in the side with her finger every once in a while. Joey would blush, and then pinch her on the butt, something many, many men before him had been smacked or publicly humiliated for, but Carla would just giggle and hold her fingers over her mouth demurely before waiting, and then poking him in the ribs again. I remembered the kiss I'd caught them in, and wondered what on earth was going on there. Given the number of girls I'd seen Joey flirt with, and the usual three or four day duration of Carla's average relationship, I doubted this was more than a fling. Still, I'd be able to tease both of them about it for a long, long time to come. 

Chris and Vlada, on the other hand, might actually be something serious. Vlada had somehow risen above the rest of the herd of models who had moved through Chris's apartment on his marathon dating schedule, and was slowly making a place for herself with the guys in our little family, just like I had. She stood next to Chris now, holding his arm, and when he looked at her you could see that he actually was pretty smitten. To my amusement, he had to look up at her, as Vlada towered over Chris in her heels, almost a full head taller. It didn't seem to bother either of them, though. I remembered that I wanted to talk to her later, and decided I'd have to cut in at some point once everyone else got to hit the dance floor. 

A little away from the others, standing with Karen and Roy, were Lance and Justin, their shoulders touching, but nothing else. I wasn't sure what was going on with the two of them, and had been surprised as hell when I opened that door and saw them kissing, but from the looks on their faces they had been just as surprised. The two of them had been reluctant to tell me, Josh, or any of the others anything since the night the shit hit the fan, other than to say that they were helping each other, and they would let us know if they needed anything. Each time I tried to take one of them aside, they told me that I needed to concentrate on the wedding, and Josh said they did the same thing to him. I didn't think it was good for the two of them to be so shut off from everyone else, but they assured me that as soon as this was over and Josh and I were away on our honeymoon, they would go get some professional help. Until then, it was like the two of them were allied against everyone, building a little wall around themselves, but standing proudly inside it, leaning on each other. At least they weren't being victims. 

"I never get tired of saying it to you," Josh sighed, glancing at our linked hands. I followed his gaze, seeing our rings shining under the lights. We'd chosen to add a second silver band to the others we already wore, rather than getting new ones, because the ones we had held so much meaning for us both. These new ones, though, had inscriptions on the inside, both of our names with the word "Forever". "How are you holding up?" 

Josh was worried about my stamina, but I really thought I was ok. I wasn't as weak as I had been, and was running on so many endorphins right now that it didn't matter anyway. I felt like I was flying, and every time I looked into Josh's eyes I felt something surge up inside of me. He was a little worried about my emotional state, too, as there was such a large crowd, and we'd both been so on edge, but I hadn't felt even the slightest flutter all day. Even when I forgot my vows, which I was still kicking myself for, I had felt nervous, but it was a normal kind of nervous, not the chewing at my insides nervousness that one of the attacks brought. It was probably safe to say that my emotions were running on a high, too. 

"I'm good," I whispered. "I've never been this happy, Josh. I don't really know how to deal with it." 

He laughed, a deep throaty laugh that made me want to kiss his throat and his bouncing adam's apple. It was a genuine laugh, the kind that people make when they are completely at ease, and happy just to be alive. I felt his strong shoulder shaking under my hand as he held me against him, and I was glad that I'd given him something to laugh at. Josh had been torn up for the past couple days, too, feeling guilty and worried, and I was just as concerned about him as he was about me. His hand was warm against mine, palm to palm, and I felt the other pressing firmly against the small of my back as he twirled me around the floor. 

"Only you would see just being happy as something that you'd have to deal with," Josh giggled. "It's ok to just enjoy it, Jack." 

"I know," I smiled, laying my head on his shoulder. I heard a bunch of the women in the audience going, "Awwwwww," but left my head there just the same. The song was almost over, and I wanted to keep enjoying my Josh time for as long as I could. "I didn't mean it like it's some terrible burden I have to live under or something. I just, I look around the room and see everyone else, and I feel kind of bad that I'm this happy, and you are, and everyone else isn't." 

"And that's why I love you," Josh said, hugging me tightly, our feet sliding out of rhythm as Josh squeezed me tightly, spinning me around in a circle. His arms bulged, and I laughed, feeling his chest press against mine. "Because you're always thinking about someone else, and I wouldn't have you any other way." 

Before I could answer this, could insist that every once in a while I was selfish, too, the band finished playing our song, and Josh was bending me back as his pressed his mouth to mine, kissing me again. I held onto him, one of my hands tangling in his hair now that I didn't have to worry about messing it up before the pictures. Josh's lips were soft but firm at the same time, brushing against my own as his bearded chin tickled my bare one. He was having a little flash of shyness with everyone watching, but I dipped my tongue into his mouth anyway, scraping it against his, the two of them dueling wetly in that hot, enclosed space. When we pulled back, grinning, Josh looked a little dazed, and I could feel a little bit of a flush creeping over my own face as the crowd burst into cheering applause and whistles. 

"It is now my supreme pleasure to welcome the mother of the groom, well, of one of them, to the dance floor," the bandleader said, blushing. I guess it was his first gay wedding, too. "Please join me in welcoming Joshua and his mother, Karen, for the traditional mother-son dance." 

I clapped along with everyone else, melting into the sidelines as Josh took his mother's hand and carefully pulled her out onto the dance floor. Josh and Karen had both suggested canceling this, and I'd argued with them. This was tradition, and just because my own mother couldn't be bothered to come I didn't want the two of them to miss out on this moment. They didn't want me to be hurt, but I told them I would be hurt more if they didn't get to do this, because every parent dreams of dancing with their child on their wedding day. It was harder than I thought, though, I realized as I watched them spin across the floor. I felt a sharp, stabbing pang in my chest as I saw them so happy, Karen looking very proud, and Josh full of love and a shining, glowing joy. 

I still didn't know how I felt about my mother. I still hadn't really allowed myself to feel anything about my trip home, and the revelation about my family, or my real family, or however I was supposed to be thinking of them. Josh and I still hadn't opened that envelope from my mother yet. It was still sitting in the middle of the coffee table where I had set it down when I unpacked, and I kept glancing at it uneasily, wondering when I would feel like opening it. I caught Josh looking at it a few times, too, when he passed it, or when he sat in one of the chairs, writing in his notebook. He would glance up, looking for me, and his eyes would fall on the envelope, narrowing slightly as his brows furrowed together. The two of us were treating it like some sort of Pandora's Box, not sure of what might be inside, and what it might mean. 

I really had kind of hoped my mother would come to the wedding, though. I had tried to reach out to her in my note, tried to take at least a step toward forging some kind of a bond, but whatever crack she had felt that allowed her to bare herself to Josh, and to write that note to me, had apparently closed back up, slammed itself closed like a glacier around one of those mammoths that you read about in the paper every once in a while. I still couldn't forgive her for the way she had always treated me, for the way that she had been my entire life, but I had thought we might get beyond it. Apparently I was the only one who felt that way, though. For a brief, confusing moment she had almost been my mother, and then she had retreated back into her shell, wounding me again rather than facing anything she might consider distasteful. It would have been so easy for her to be here, such a small thing, and she wouldn't do it. 

I sighed, and felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning, I saw Roy, watching Josh and Karen before he turned back to me. His grip was firm, but comforting. 

"I'm sorry, Jack," he said, squeezing once before dropping his arm back down to his side. I smiled at him. 

"I'm that transparent?" I asked. 

"Actually, you're not, not to me, anyway," he said, watching them again. "I'm sure Joshua can look across the room and tell exactly what you're thinking, just like you can with him. I know, because I've seen you guys do it, hold entire conversations without saying more than a word. I was just guessing, but you're thinking about your family, aren't you?" 

"Yeah," I admitted, looking down at my hands. 

Josh had told his parents, and Heather and Tyler, about my newly revealed past, and after they had all flown in we had discussed it a little at a quiet family dinner. Heather didn't say much about it, but she and I didn't know each other all that well. She was very accepting of my and Josh's relationship, in theory, but in practice we seemed to make her a little uncomfortable. Tyler, on the other hand, had been bursting with questions about how I felt, what I was going to do, and who I thought my real family might be. It was hard to answer them all, since some of them were things that I hadn't though about, or hadn't allowed myself to think about. I really was going to have to open that envelope at some point. 

"You know, Jack," Tyler continued breathlessly, grinning in that same sly way he and Josh had right before they wrestled each other to the ground or gave each other noogies. "You and Josh could actually be, like, long lost brothers or something. Wouldn't that be kind of gross?" 

I giggled, but Josh lightly smacked the back of his head. 

"Tyler, this is serious," Josh said, frowning at him. 

"And I think I might remember having another child," Karen added dryly. 

We had quickly moved on to other topics, because Josh knew this wasn't a good one for me yet. We still hadn't told the guys or even Carla, although I was planning to once the wedding was over. The only thing that stopped me was that I was still feeling kind of selfish, like I was demanding that everyone keep everything all about me and Josh. Granted, they were all insisting that we focus on ourselves right now, but I didn't want to throw this out there, too. My problems seemed so small by comparison to the ones Lance and Justin were trying to cope with. Still, I needed to start opening up on this a little, too. 

"I'm sorry they chose not to come, Jack," Roy said. "For what it's worth, I think they've missed an amazing day. The two of you, and that young lady you hired, did an amazing job of celebrating your love, and I'm honored that you chose to share it with us. I don't know if he told you, but I know that Joshua was hoping your mother might come after all." 

"I know he was, but I knew it wouldn't happen," I sighed. "Roy." 

"Dad," he corrected. 

"Dad," I continued, the word feeling a little foreign in my mouth. "Can I ask you a question? What did you guys think when Josh told you about me? I don't mean now that you know me, and you've had time to get used to it. What did you think when he first told you he was gay?" 

Roy swallowed, looking at me thoughtfully. He had the same frown between his eyebrows that Josh did, and it made me smile a little. I could tell that he was weighing his words, but I really just wanted him to spit them out, and he seemed to sense that. 

"Jack, I know that you and Karen talked about this the first time you came out to the house," Roy said. "When Josh first told us, we were surprised, and a little taken aback. I've always thought of us as a pretty open, pretty accepting family, but it's definitely one thing to say you accept gay people and quite another to have your oldest son tell you he's one of them. At the same time, though, we've always had faith in Josh's judgment, in all of our children's, really. When Josh told us he was sure, and that he was serious about you, we tried our best to take it in stride." 

"Was it hard?" I asked. "Was it hard as a parent to accept that your child was, you know, that way?" 

"No," Roy answered simply. "We love our children, and nothing could ever make us stop. We always said we would love whatever girl Josh decided to love, and we decided not to change that just because you're not a girl." 

Josh and Karen made a beautiful dance team, but the song was going to finish soon. The floor would finally be open for dancing after that, so I figured Roy and I still had time. 

"So you were just happy for him?" I asked. Why couldn't my parents be like that? Oh yeah, it was because they hadn't loved me to begin with. 

"We were happy, but we were also a little afraid for him," Roy said. I frowned, and he elaborated. "You two are in danger, because of who you are. What happened to you, Jack, proved that. We were worried about Josh putting himself at risk, both with his career and personally." 

"Yeah, I guess those fears were valid," I said, shaking my head. Roy put his hand on my shoulder again. 

"Maybe, but you two decided not to let fear rule your lives, Jack," he said, smiling. "I'm proud of both of you, and from what I've seen, it looks like it was worth the risk." 

We both snapped our heads toward the dance floor as we heard the room burst into applause, realizing that the mother-son dance was all wrapped up. Josh and Karen were both walking toward us, and Josh grabbed me in another crushing hug, pressing his lips to mine. He was definitely running on high right now, and I giggled as I felt his strong arms flexing through the sleeves of his jacket and shirt as he crushed me against him. 

"You look sad," he said, spinning me out onto the floor as the band began to play something faster. I let him lead, since I had no idea what we were dancing to, but other couples drifted out onto the floor as well, leaving us a little bubble of space to whisper to each other in. "What were you guys talking about?" 

"Family stuff," I sighed, smiling to let him know that I was ok. "We're really lucky to have your parents." 

"I know," Josh agreed. "Jack, I'm sorry your family isn't here." 

I shook my head, kissing him quickly on the lips. 

"Don't be," I said. Josh looked at me quizzically. "Josh, look at all the people who are here. I know a lot of yours are industry people who probably figured they had to come, but look at the rest of the room. All our friends are here, and your family, and everyone is happy for us. There are a lot of people who don't have that. We're really lucky, Josh, and I don't want us to ever lose sight of that." 

Josh kissed me on the forehead. 

"The luckiest day of my life was when your car broke down," he sighed, his blue eyes flashing under the lights. 

"Thanks," I said, our feet moving quickly as I followed his lead. Josh could turn anyone into a good dancer. "I was thinking the same thing." 

We danced like that for a while, lost in each other, as the band moved into faster songs, and then began playing instrumental versions of pop songs. Most of the younger people were up dancing now, and everyone appeared to be having a really good time as I pulled Josh off to the side. 

"As much as I'd love to keep dancing, we're neglecting our guests," I said, nodding at the rest of the room. "Lisann said we're supposed to circulate." 

"I know," Josh said, sighing. He ran his fingers along my jaw, tilting my head up a little, and I felt myself shiver under his feather soft touch. "I just, you know." 

"We'll dance again later, ok?" I said, smiling. "We can keep the band here all night if you want to. You're paying for it." 

"We," Josh corrected, kissing me again. His mouth was so soft, yet somehow so hot, as he buried his head in my neck. "We're paying for it." 

"Right," I agreed, smiling. 

I didn't really agree, though. I know that Josh said everything he had was mine, and that we were equals, but it was really hard for me to think of Josh's money as ours. He had worked really hard for it, and had given up a lot to be where and who he was, and I felt like I wasn't bringing much to the marriage by comparison, at least not in a material sense. I didn't want to feel like a housewife. My independence had always been important to me, and I felt like I was just a big sucking leech, even if Josh insisted that I wasn't. The long and short of it was that I needed a job. Even though the money I would bring in was nothing compared to his, I would at least feel kind of balanced. 

"What?" Josh asked, stopping me as I began to turn away. "Jack, please." 

"Nothing, Josh," I said, shaking my head. "It's the same thing. I'll tell you that I need a job, and you'll tell me to take my time, and then we'll pretend that you're not paying for everything and I'm not just riding along." 

Josh sighed and pulled me away into the hallway, his arm around my waist. I followed, not wanting to spoil the day, but also not wanting to lie to him. 

"Jack, I told you, I like to buy things for you," he said, holding the sides of my face so that I was staring into his, at those cheekbones, and those eyes I knew so well. "I mean it when I say what's mine is yours. You and I are one, and everything we have belongs to both of us." 

"I know, Josh," I said, looking away. "And I know that even when I do get a job, it's not going to even measure next to what you do. I just, I still feel sometimes like I don't belong in this world, Josh. I still feel like a hanger on, and I don't want people to think that when they look at me." 

Josh hugged me tightly, and I inhaled deeply, crushed against him, my head against his neck. He smelled musky, kind of manly, but in a good way. 

"Jack, whatever you do is going to be important, because it's important to you," he said. "And honestly, I have more money than I'll ever be able to spend by myself. It's practically a full time job for people to keep up with it all. You and I together aren't even going to make a dent in it, and what's the point of having all of that if we're not going to use it? You told me before not to forget how lucky we are to have our friends and family, and to be so accepted. Well, we're also lucky to be able to live like this, too, to not want anything. Please, stop feeling guilty for having it, and enjoy it a little." 

"I do, Josh," I said, my head on his shoulder as he held me. "I know how lucky I am. I've done things with you that I never would have done anywhere else, and I've become a whole other person that I never would have if I didn't meet you, and love you, and have you love me back. And I know that when you say we're equals, we really are in your eyes. I know you don't look down on me, but Josh, I look down on myself. I know it's not a good thing, but I feel like I'm not bringing anything to this." 

"Jack, it's not your fault you're not working," Josh said, his hands running in circles over my back. "You had interviews, and then Basil took you. You've been in recovery, and really all the work you've done for the wedding has been almost a full time job." 

"But I don't want spending your money to be my full time job," I said, shaking my head. "Josh, I'm tired of having excuses. I'm tired of being fragile, and having to be taken care of. I want my life back. I want to really be your equal. I want to feel like I'm doing something, too, like I'm contributing, even if it is just something small. I'm just not used to being taken care of, and it's not really part of who I am." 

"I hear you, babe, I hear you," Josh said, tilting my head up again. I felt his lips scrape over mine, his beard scratching a little at my chin, and his heartbeat was thumping through his shirt under my hands as they spread caressingly across his chest. "When the honeymoon's over, we'll find you a job. It'll give you something to do while we're on tour. Unless, you know, you want to go with us?" 

"No," I said, shaking my head. He looked at me, confused, and I kissed him again, just for that expression. "You guys have told me all about being on tour, and all you've talked about is rehearsals, and appearances, and grueling schedules. It might be fun to visit, but I'm not going on tour." 

"OK," Josh said, laughing. He took my hand. "Come on. I want you to meet some more of my family." 

We walked around for a while, meeting aunts and uncles and cousins. I tried valiantly to remember who everyone was, but names had never been one of my strong suits, and for the most part they all looked the same. Those cheekbones must have run in the family, because they all had them, and the high foreheads, and everything else. I'd never seen such attractive people in my life, not so many at once. They were all high end, at least the blood relatives, and I wondered if it was the French ancestry or just luck. These people were the Evian of gene pools, and they were all so nice. Tyler had breathlessly confessed to me at the rehearsal dinner that there were a few family scandals going on, and that some of Josh's relatives hadn't come, but then Karen had caught him, and shooed him back to the dining room, where Josh was with the guys, laughing and singing while I took a breather in the hall. 

"I would yell at him, but I have this vague feeling that I was just as exuberant at his age," Karen said. "On the one hand, I guess it's nice that you and Tyler get along so well. He's been looking at this whole thing like he just got his wish, and finally has another brother." 

"He's a great kid," I said, smiling. Tyler and Josh had a really easy going, best friends kind of relationship, like brothers in a sitcom, and Tyler treated me the same way. It never seemed to cross his mind that his brother and I had sex, or else it didn't matter to him. "I like him a lot. And he didn't mean anything by telling me that. You're not mad at him, are you?" 

"Not exactly," Karen said, sighing. "I did tell him not to mention the arguments to you or Joshua, though." 

"I'm sure Josh has noticed who's here and who's not," I said, shrugging. Karen smiled at me. 

"Well, yes, Jack, I agree that Josh isn't stupid," she said, following up on the comment I had thought but not said. "I didn't want Tyler to make a big deal about it, because we didn't want to upset Josh, or you." 

"Me?" I asked. "I don't even know most of your family." 

"Yes, but I know you," Karen said. "Right now you're smiling, but later you're going to start thinking about causing rifts in the family, and thinking that you're making things hard for Josh, or costing him his loved ones, or something like that. Then you're going to brood on it, you and Josh are going to have a discussion about it, and eventually he'll call me." 

I blinked at her, wondering if she was about to tell me that I'd also spend that time while I was brooding scrubbing the bathroom or making the beds. 

"You really do know me," I said, smiling. I couldn't help it. "But Karen." 

"No," she said, putting a finger on my mouth. "This isn't your fault. Our family isn't perfect, and if they weren't boiling over this they would be over something else. As far as I'm concerned, the ones that are here are the only ones worth caring about. Now, let's go back inside, so you can spend the rest of dinner with Joshua, ok? Your friend Carla says she's going to separate you two for the night, so you'd better enjoy him while you can." 

Karen and I had gone back inside, Josh's eyes lighting up again when he saw me, and we had enjoyed the rest of the rehearsal dinner party, wearing those stupid bride caps that Joey had bought us. The photographer had snapped several pictures at the dinner of us in them, and I thought bemusedly that it might be fun to enclose a couple of those in the press pack we were sending out. As with so many other things in the past few days, I had put it out of my mind, but I remembered it now as we circulated among Josh's family. 

"You ok?" Josh asked, hugging me after we met some ancient great aunt. 

"Yeah, I'm good," I answered, hugging him back. I was feeling less uncomfortable with having everyone stare at us through the entire reception. 

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, nuzzling the back of my head with his as he held me against him from behind. 

"Family stuff," I answered, holding his arms as they curled up against my chest. 

"You're my family now," Josh sighed against the nape of my neck. 

"I know," I answered, and I meant it. 

No matter what else happened, I would always have Josh, and nothing would ever come between us. Karen and Roy had been better parents to me in the months that I'd known Josh than my own had in the years that I'd been with them. Heather might be a little uncomfortable with us, but she was trying, and Tyler already felt closer to me than my own brother had. I looked at the empty chairs where those missing, objecting cousins should have gone, and realized that it didn't matter if they weren't here. Maybe my new family wasn't perfect, but they were mine, and I was wanted here, and loved. 

"Jack, Joshua," Lisann said quietly from behind us. "It's time to cut the cake." 

"OK," I said, taking Josh's hand as he leaned over to kiss me again, a quick little peck on the mouth. I saw his eyes twinkle mischievously. "Josh, remember what I told you. No cake smashing." 

"We'll see," he said, grinning. 

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CHAPTER 92

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LANCE'S POV: 

Lance smiled as JC tried to smear cake into Jack's nose, and Jack ducked, holding up a hand. The two of them had argued about this back and forth at least three times in Lance's earshot over the past few days, JC insisting that it was a tradition, and that people expected a good cake smashing, while Jack insisted that it was stupid and undignified, and that he would not be spending the rest of the reception trying to get cake off of his tuxedo and frosting out of his nostrils. Jack had won, as he always did when he really put his foot down with JC, but now, as everyone could see, JC's impulsiveness had won out over his promise to Jack. Standing with cake in his hand, he probably just hadn't been able to resist. 

Everyone laughed as Jack ducked away, wiping frosting from his face where Josh's fingers had smeared him, brandishing the knife threateningly, but grinning just the same, and Lance found himself laughing, too. It felt good to laugh, kind of, felt good to be alive and to be in a room full of other people, feeling the same thing. Lance was unsure of his feelings lately, because they were so confused. He felt like he was two people right now, or sometimes even more than two people. He felt one way, and then, less than a minute later, he felt completely different. He loved Howie more than anything, loved him so much it was like hands were wrapped around his heart, squeezing it, and then a second later he was afraid of Howie, and knew that Howie couldn't really love him, that Howie's idea of love was twisted and wrong, and that Howie would just hurt him again if he ever took him back. 

As confusing as these times were, though, when he was trying to sort out how he felt, and sometimes, even, who he was, there were other times when he didn't think about himself at all, when all he could think about was Justin. Lance had realized as soon as JC came walking out beside the wheelchair that Justin was completely incapable of dealing with what happened to him. He was functioning in most other ways, going through the day to day motions of mundane activities, but if he started thinking about anything else, or got into any kind of emotional frame of mind, he began to shut down. He didn't cry, didn't sob his way into hysterics, but he didn't do anything else, either. If something happened to upset him, he just shut down, went frighteningly blank. The only time he showed any emotion at all was at night, when he and Lance talked after they were in their beds, but before they fell asleep, and that was only with the doors closed and the lights off. Otherwise Justin acted like he had all day today when he was with anyone but Lance, smiling in the right places, and nodding at people, but it was the rigid, painted smile on the face of a doll. It looked real, looked natural, unless you knew Justin well enough to look behind it. 

Lance knew they had to get help. He had to get his own feelings sorted out, had to find himself again. Every day it took all of his strength just to get up, and get out of bed, to cope with the loss of Howie but also to realize that he didn't have to be afraid today, that no one was going to hit him, that blows weren't just going to start raining down because he asked the wrong question or the morning coffee didn't have enough cream in it. He had to fight with a skittish feeling, because his whole body cringed all day long in expectation of a slap or a blow. Every day was laced with confusion as he walked around the bungalow, feeling lost but somehow free, and the two conflicting feelings left him afraid sometimes in their intensity. Lance wasn't good at dealing with his emotions, and never had been. Really the only thing he woke up for, the only thing that got him out of bed, was his driving need to help Justin. If he didn't have Justin to take care of, he might not have gotten up at all. As weak as he felt on his own, when he saw how much Justin needed him he felt strength surge up from somewhere inside. 

As he looked around, watching people applaud the cake slicing and wondering why they weren't doing it on a jumbotron or something, so that everyone could see, Lance noticed that Justin had left the room. At first he wasn't sure, but Justin stood out in a crowd, even when he was trying to be invisible, especially in these tuxedos Jack and JC had picked out for all of them. Lance didn't see him anywhere, and he realized that Justin probably would have to leave. As much as Justin was friends with Jack, and as much as he loved JC and wanted him to be happy, Lance knew Justin wouldn't be able to watch everything. During the ceremony he had smiled along with everyone else, but Lance could see Justin's eyes from behind Jack, and could see his walls flying up as he pushed away the pain of losing. Justin, the eternal winner, had lost so much these past few months, and now it seemed to Lance that there was nothing left, that Justin was going to just fade out, hit bottom, and no one else would be able to stop it. Since the thing with Nick, he was the only one Justin had reached for, the only one Justin would lower the walls for, even if it was only in a dark room at night, when they could only see each other in their mind's eyes, and could pretend they were still the people they used to be, people who were whole. 

Lance slipped quietly into the hallway, nodding to some industry people that he knew, asking them if they had seen Justin. The first pair shook their heads, hurrying back to the ballroom, knowing that they were missing the cake slicing, but the second group that he ran into pointed off down the hallway, toward the terraces. Lance looked out the doorway of the first exit he came to, and saw Justin far down, at the end of the patio, standing alone and holding his face in his hands. Lance had seen him do this in the past few days, too, had seen him press on his face as if he was putting it back together, or physically holding himself inside. If Justin felt overwhelmed he left the room, found somewhere quiet, and held his face until he was together again. Holding his hands over his eyes was Justin's way of blocking out whatever he saw that upset him, and Lance felt his heart twist as he saw Justin's shoulders shake a little. He began walking down the long terrace. 

"Justin?" Lance asked, not touching him. He knew from his own experience that Justin might not want to be touched, and that he should wait until Justin reached out to him, no matter how much he wanted to comfort him. 

"I'm ok," Justin said, wiping at his eyes with his hand. He turned to face Lance, and his eyes were hollow and glassy. "I just needed a minute, you know, some air. I'm ok." 

"You don't have to be ok all the time," Lance said softly, waiting. 

He wanted so much to put a hand on Justin's shoulder, just to reassure him. Justin had always been physical with his friends, not with Lance, since they hadn't always been close, but with JC. The two of them had always been hugging, or just patting each other on the back, and Lance knew that was a kind of comfort that Justin thrived on because of who he was, but at the same time Justin now had these walls that hindered him from reaching for the very thing he needed. Every time he took Lance's hand, or sat on his bed or reached for Lance when Lance walked over to his bed, Lance could see that it was an inner struggle for him. Right now Lance was the only person Justin trusted to touch him because, as he'd told Lance, Lance was the only one who hadn't hurt him, either by accident or on purpose. 

"Justin," Lance had sighed, in the darkness of the bungalow last night, breaking the brief silence that had followed Justin's statement. "Justin, the guys haven't hurt you. They're your friends." 

"Even my friends hurt me," Justin said quietly. 

Lance slid out of his bed and walked over, sitting down on the end of Justin's. He could tell in the dim light that he was far enough away from Justin's legs to avoid threatening him, but close enough for Justin to reach out if he needed to. Justin didn't move beneath the sheet, which he carefully pulled tightly around him each night when he went to bed, tucking it up under his chin as he lay beneath it, with shorts and a t-shirt over his briefs. One night he had woken up, shaking, so many times that Lance had locked the bedroom door to prove to Justin that no one would be able to get in and hurt him. They never said Nick's name, or at least Lance never did unless Justin said it first, but they both knew that was the "someone" Justin thought might come for him. Lance dreaded the day that they would actually see Nick somewhere, at a show or a ceremony or maybe even just out at a club. He hoped he would have gotten some help for Justin by then. 

"Maybe they can't help it," Justin said, still not moving. "I hurt my friends. Maybe they can't help hurting me." 

"Justin, none of them would hurt you on purpose," Lance said quietly. 

"But they still hurt me," Justin said. "Joey hurt me. You heard what he said. He isn't my friend, doesn't want to be. Chris hurt me, too. He was so nice, he forgave me, and then he took it back. Josh and Jack hurt me, but they don't mean to. They just, when I see them, it hurts sometimes, but they would take it away if they could." 

"That's right, Justin," Lance said, nodding. At least Justin realized that, although it still didn't make him hurt any less. He didn't want to argue the rest of it with him, because he'd heard what Chris and Joey had said to Justin. From Justin's perspective, and in his current state of mind, Lance could see how Justin would think they hated him. "JC and Jack are your friends. They're here for you, if you need them." 

"No," Justin whispered, shaking his head. "I can't, I don't want to bother them. They have so much else to think about, and I, I come in between them too much, and it's bad for them. It hurts them. I don't want to hurt them, too, not Josh, or Jack, either." 

"Justin, they'd understand," Lance pleaded. Justin's hand slid out from under the sheet, slowly, sliding toward Lance's. Lance left his sitting on the mattress until Justin's fingers curled around his, and then Lance squeezed his hand tightly, taking it between both of his. 

"They wouldn't," Justin insisted. "No one understands, none of them. No one knows what this feels like. No one knows, and I just, I hold it in. I don't want them to see. I don't want them to treat me like, I don't know, like a victim. I don't want them to make me feel different, because it, when they do that, it makes me remember. I don't want to remember it, Lance." 

Lance could tell by the tremor in Justin's voice that he was starting to cry, that tears would be trickling down his face in the darkness. Justin sat up in the bed suddenly, his arms reaching out for Lance, and Lance held him. 

"I don't want to remember it, " Justin said again, his voice cracking. 

"It's over, Justin," Lance said. "It's over. It won't ever happen again. No one will ever hurt you that way again." 

"Promise?" Justin asked. 

"I promise," Lance answered immediately. "I promise." 

Standing on the terrace now, waiting, Lance remembered how tightly Justin had hugged him last night, holding on with all of his strength until he got drowsy, until his tears subsided and he started to drift off. Lance had carefully tucked him back under the sheet, brushing his hand over Justin's forehead, smoothing it over his soft hair. Justin, his eyes closed, had sighed a little, and nuzzled his head against Lance's hand. 

"Good night, Justin," Lance had said, looking down at his fragile form curled up on the sheets, wanting to scoop him up and protect him. 

"Night, Lance," Justin had answered, mumbling, already half asleep. 

Justin reached for Lance now, his hand shaking a little as he put it on Lance's shoulder. Lance felt a wave of warmth run down his arm and across his chest as Justin's strong fingers touched him. 

"Can I, please?" Justin asked, his arms raised, and Lance held out his arms, nodding. Justin stepped into them, and held onto Lance for a minute, resting his head on Lance's shoulder. "Lance, I didn't think this would be so hard. I'm so happy for Josh, and for Jack, too, but I didn't think it would be so hard to be here." 

"But you're being so strong, Justin," Lance said, his hands on Justin's back. "You're being so strong right now, just like I knew you would be. I know it hurts, Justin." 

"I had to come out here, because I don't want anyone to see," Justin said softly, his breath fluttering over Lance's neck. "I don't want to, you know, take anything away from the wedding, so I came out here, just to, you know, get some air." 

"That's ok, Justin," Lance said soothingly. "We can stay out here as long as you need to." 

"I'm sorry, Lance," Justin said. "I just, you know, everyone's looking at me. Everyone expects me to be Justin Timberlake, but I don't feel like that right now. I don't, I can't really do that." 

Lance knew what Justin meant. Their friends from away, the people who didn't know them so well, or see them so often, all expected Justin to be his same old beaming, slightly cocky self, the happy go lucky, overly enthusiastic front that Justin always showed the world. Normally, even in the face of what had happened to him, Justin might still be able to play his part, but not today, of all days. Not at JC's wedding. Lance didn't think it was possible for Justin's heart to break any more, but all day today he had been slowly crumbling inside before Lance's eyes, no matter how hard he tried to make everyone else think he was nothing but happy for JC and Jack. 

"It's almost over, Justin," Lance said quietly. "All of this is almost over." 

More than anything Lance wanted to leave the resort, and he knew that Justin did, too. Everything that had happened was all tied up in this place, in every walkway, every meal, even on the beach. Everywhere Lance turned he saw Howie, and he could only imagine what Justin might see. 

"I know," Justin said, giving Lance one last, tight squeeze. He stepped back, and his eyes were dry, his mask sliding back into place. "Let's go back inside. Let's just go finish the reception, and after they leave, we'll go, too." 

"You're ok?" Lance asked, his hands on Justin's shoulders. 

"Yeah, I'm ok," Justin said, not moving. Lance's hands felt strong and firm, and he felt safe there with him. "Thank you, Lance, thank you so much. Thank you for being my friend." 

"You have other friends, Justin," Lance said, turning toward the doors with him. 

"Not like you," Justin said, looking down. "You're a better friend to me than I've ever been to you." 

Lance didn't know what to say, didn't have any words that wouldn't sound hollow, like platitudes, so he just followed Justin back inside, wondering what else he could do. They rejoined a reception that was just getting warmed up. The band was going full tilt, and the dance floor was full. People hung around the edges, sitting at the tables that were left, slowly demolishing the multi-tiered cake as waiters and waitresses brought it around on tiny plates. Lance looked out at the dance floor as Justin accepted a cake slice, unable to dance still because of the pain from his assault. Chris was dancing with Heather, JC's sister, and Joey was dancing with Karen. JC was dancing with Carla, the two of them chatting away, and Jack was only a few feet away, swinging his hips along with Vlada as the two of them chatted animatedly about something Lance couldn't hear. 

---

JACK'S POV: 

I smiled at seeing Justin and Lance drift back in from wherever they'd gone, rejoining the party. Justin wasn't having a really good time, I could tell, but I thought being out with other people, and just being at a happy occasion, would be kind of helpful for them, even if it wasn't really the happiest occasion for Justin. I believed him when he said that he was happy for us, but you could still be happy and hurt at the same time. He loved Josh, and getting over it was proving to be fairly difficult for him. Thinking back to the day I had almost left, when Justin had come to get me at the airport and stop me from running away after the only really major fight Josh and I had ever had, I had to agree that yes, getting over Josh was more difficult than it sounded. Still, Justin seemed to be holding up ok. 

I couldn't tell how Lance was doing, though. It was hard to get a read off of him, because his behavior was mixed up in his concern for Justin. On the whole, I figured it couldn't hurt him to have someone else to focus on, but I was a little worried about it at the same time. Lance had some sort of feelings for Justin, or had a while ago. What had gone on between them might have smothered that, but the way that Justin had been able to hurt him was by exploiting that feeling, by digging it out and acting on it in the way that he used to do so well. Supposedly Lance had worked all of these feelings out in therapy, and through his relationship with Howie, but now I wasn't sure what was going on in Lance's head. For now, about the only thing I could be sure of was that the two of them wouldn't be able to hurt each other, not after what they'd both been through. It left the question standing, though, of whether or not they'd be able to help each other. 

"Vat are you sinking?" Vlada asked, grinning as I spun her across the floor. She was about on my skill level on the dance floor, so the two of us made a good pair, me in my tuxedo, the jacket draped over my chair, and Vlada in sparkling silver heels and a white sheath, slit up the side. 

"Just, you know, stuff about the guys," I answered. Vlada knew everything, so I didn't have to beat around the bush. She shook her head, her smile slipping a little. 

"Efen today, Jacques?" she asked, looking around. I followed her eyes, taking in the wedding, seeing Josh dancing with Carla, his white tuxedo shirt stretching invitingly across his back as his hips swung. His jacket better have been hanging on his chair, after what we had paid for it. Off to the side, Lisann was still making sure everything was still running smoothly. Our last meeting with her was tomorrow. "You shzould be sinking of Jayzee right now. Ze rest of ze boys vill be ok, Jacques." 

"It's hard not to think about them, Vlada," I sighed, both of us keeping our smiles in place as I led her through a fast mambo. I had a brief "Dirty Dancing" vision of us doing the lift, but quickly pushed it aside, knowing that I was pressed to my limits as it was just keeping the basic steps down. 

"Zey vill be ok, vor now," she sighed. "Zey haf each ozer, and you know zey are both ztronger zan zey sink zey are. Zey vill take care of each ozer yust fine, and zen zey vill go get zum help." 

"I know," I sighed. "It's just that, you know, I can't help it. I know I shouldn't think about it, but it's not like I can just shut it off." 

"I know," she said, grinning. "Ve all know zat about you, Jacques." 

I shook my head, and felt someone tap on my shoulder. Turning, I saw Josh grinning behind me. He leaned in and pecked me on the lips as Vlada and I stopped dancing. 

"Mind if I cut in?" he asked, grinning. 

"Da!" Vlada said, not letting go. She was smiling. "You haff been danzing viz him all day! Ees my turn!" 

"He's my husband!" Josh protested, pulling on one of my arms while Vlada pulled on the other. 

"Hey, hey!" I said, laughing. "There's plenty of me to go around, not that I'd ever go with anyone besides Josh. There's no need to fight over me." 

"I win," Josh laughed. 

"Nope," I said, watching his face fall into confusion. I leaned forward and kissed him on the nose. "Let me finish dancing with Vlada, and then, I swear, my dance card is wide open for you, babe." 

"Promise?" Josh asked, pouting playfully. 

"Promise," I said, leaning toward him. "Sealed with a kiss." 

Josh grabbed me, crushing me against his body. He was a little flushed from dancing, his heart beating hard beneath my hands as they slid up his chest, feeling the muscles jump and shift as his hands slid up my back. I looked up, tilting my head back to meet Josh's lowering gaze, and stared into his bright blue eyes as his smooth, soft lips flattened themselves against mine. He purred against me as I melted against him, falling into his embrace, feeling his tongue dart into my mouth and press against mine. Josh tasted faintly of champagne, and I hoped he hadn't had too much. He wasn't a big drinker, and I wanted us both wide awake later. Kissing him was so hot that I almost regretted my choice to dance with Vlada a little longer. 

"I'll be waiting," Josh said, grinning and stepping away as I stood, surprised, with my mouth hanging open and a little spit on my lip. Oh yeah, we needed to finish up the reception. 

"Are you zure you vant to be wiz me?" Vlada asked, laughing, as I spun her back out onto the floor but kept my eyes on Josh. He was waiting patiently on the sides, talking to someone but watching me. 

"Yeah," I answered. "But not for long." 

We both laughed. 

"I wanted to say something else to you, now, while we have time," I said, sliding smoothly through the mambo. The song was wrapping up. "I don't think I ever actually said thank you, you know, to your face, for that time when you came to the hospital and cleaned me up." 

"Jacques, it vas nussing," she said, flushing. I stared up into her green eyes, remembering that Chris always had to stare up at her, too. "And you zent me zose rozes." 

"No, Vlada, it wasn't nothing," I said, realizing that this was long overdue. "When I woke up, and saw myself, I felt really, really bad. I mean, not just physically, but I was afraid that Josh, you know, that he wouldn't want me. I was afraid that I was ugly, and that he wouldn't see past that. I know it was stupid, and that Josh would never be like that, but I felt really bad about myself. I know you probably don't really think you did much, you know, just cutting my hair and cleaning me up, but it really actually meant a lot. I'm sorry that I never said thank you before, but I wanted to say it now, because that was one of the kindest, most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me." 

Vlada flushed, and looked away. 

"I don't know vat to zay, Jacques," she said. 

"Generally when someone says thank you, you say 'You're welcome'," I said, laughing. She laughed along with me. 

"You are velcome," she laughed. Vlada leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. "Now, go dance viz Jayzee." 

"I'd love to," I said, looking over toward him as he looked over toward me. 

---

LANCE'S POV: 

Lance's eyes popped open in the darkness as he snapped awake, jumping and constricting involuntarily in fear, even though he wasn't yet sure of what had awakened him. Since Howie had become so angry Lance had become a very light sleeper, snapping awake, usually when he felt Howie rolling him over, pushing his legs apart. Lance had been a virgin when he and Howie started seeing each other, and for those first few months Howie had been slow and tender, teaching Lance so many things. After he found out about Justin, though, when it began to eat him up inside and make him the way he was, after Lance's lies turned him into the angry person he became, all of the tenderness had gone out of their lovemaking. Instead he would just shove Lance down, or grab him by the hair, and have his way with him, and Lance had been woken up many times when Howie had just decided he wanted to fuck him. It was always quick, and usually rough. 

Howie was gone, though, so it must have been something else. Looking around, he realized the room was empty, the sheets on Justin's bed rumpled back, exposing the bare mattress. The two of them had come back from the reception and gone straight to bed, taking turns in the bathroom to brush their teeth, and he was sure Justin had been asleep. He tried to figure out if Justin getting up would have woken him, and then he heard a sound, a sharp, muffled cry, coming from the bathroom, and realized that must have been what woke him. Sliding out of bed in his boxers, Lance padded barefoot to the bathroom door and knocked softly. Inside, he could hear Justin trying to catch his breath, and thought that he might be crying. 

"Justin?" he asked softly. "Justin, are you all right?" 

The only answer was a high pitched little yelp, so Lance pushed the door open slowly, wondering if Justin might need help of some kind. He was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, shirtless but with his bed shorts on, and his face was streaked with tears. He held a washcloth to his shoulder, and when he saw Lance he just started crying harder, his lips pulled back from his teeth, but not in a smile. 

"Lance, I," Justin began, still sobbing. His voice broke as Lance dropped down in front of him, taking his free hand. Water streamed down Justin's chest from the washcloth. 

"Juju?" Lance asked, reaching up to lightly touch Justin's face. "What's wrong?" 

"Lance, it hurts," Justin said quietly. "I thought I'd wash it out, because it hurts, but I can't." 

Lance swallowed. He knew that Justin had been hurt, badly enough to bleed, when Nick had raped him, but thought that it was healing up. Justin had been fastidious about showering, taking several a day, to make sure everything down there was clean, and he had this cream that was supposed to help him get better, and fight infection. Justin had been able to clean himself all along, so why was he having a problem now? 

"Justin, do you need, you know, do you need me to help you?" Lance asked carefully, looking into Justin's red rimmed eyes. 

Justin moved the washcloth away from his shoulder, and Lance gasped. High on Justin's shoulder, on the back side, near where it joined his neck, was a puffy, angry red bite. There wasn't a big chunk of skin missing, thankfully, but Nick's teeth had broken through in some places. They were scabbed over, but there was puss oozing out around the edges, and little streaks of red smeared out from it, discoloring Justin's tanned skin. Lance felt his stomach twist as he realized he could see the individual teeth marks in a bruised circle. 

"Oh my God, Justin," Lance began, leading him over to the sink. 

"He bit me!" Justin yelped, tears streaming from his eyes as he clenched the washcloth. "He held me down, and when he, when he did it, he, it hurt, and he bit me!" 

Lance carefully pulled the washcloth out of Justin's hand and ran it under warm water in the sink before squirting it with antibacterial hand soap. Justin shuddered, closing his eyes, and Lance hugged him tightly, being careful not to touch it. He realized that none of them had seen Justin with his shirt off since it happened, and that this must be why. 

"Justin, I think this might be infected," Lance said carefully. "We have to clean this out. Did the doctor give you anything for this?" 

Justin shook his head, his fingers digging into Lance's shoulder as he held onto him, his eyes squeezed shut. 

"I didn't show him," Justin whispered. "I didn't, I, Nick did it. He bit me, Lance. He marked me, like he, like he owned me, and I didn't want the doctor to see it. I didn't want Josh to see it, or anyone. I'm sorry, Lance, I'm sorry, but I feel so, I, it makes me feel dirty. He bit me." 

"I'm sorry, Justin," Lance whispered, holding onto him as he felt tears rushing toward his own eyes. "I'm sorry." 

"I thought, you know, that I should wash it," Justin said, shaking. "I, it's all red, and it hurts, so I thought I should clean it, but I can't, Lance, I can't. When I, when I touched it, it hurt, and I, it was like he was here. He hurt me, Lance. He held my hands, and he held me down, and he bit me. And it hurt, Lance. It hurt." 

Lance held onto him, rocking him gently until Justin's tears leveled off a little. Holding Justin's hand tightly, he squeezed the washcloth into the sink, draining off some of the excess water. 

"Justin, I have to wash this out," Lance said quietly, not wanting to inflict any more pain, but knowing he had to. "It's going to hurt a little, so I want you to hold my hand, Justin, and when it hurts, squeeze as hard as you have to, ok? I'm sorry this is going to hurt, Justin, but we have to do it, ok?" 

"OK," Justin said, his eyes still closed. 

Lance worked as carefully as he could, trying not to abrade Justin any harder than necessary. He washed the cloth out in the sink several times, and went slowly, making sure he cleaned the wound all the way out. Justin kept Lance's free hand trapped between both of his the entire time, and kept his eyes closed, tears trickling out. A few times he let out a soft cry, and Lance tried to hurry and finish, but he didn't want to stop, because he didn't want to drag this out. When he was done he dried Justin's shoulder off with tissues, and then carefully applied several band aids to the area. 

"We'll get some bigger bandages tomorrow at the drug store, ok?" Lance said, hugging Justin tightly when they were done. Justin struggled to get his breathing under control again, and Lance realized for the first time that they were both shirtless, and that Justin's bare chest was pressed to his own. He was too concerned about Justin's state of mind to note the skin to skin contact in anything more than an academic sense, though. "Come on, let me get you back in bed." 

Lance walked Justin back to the bedroom, and to his bed. Justin lay down on his back, and he grabbed Lance's arm as Lance bent over him, reaching for the sheet. Lance looked down at Justin's face, but the only thing he could see in the dark were Justin's wide blue eyes. 

"Lance, would you," Justin began, tugging on Lance's arm. "I don't want to be alone right now, Lance." 

"Are you sure?" Lance asked, knowing that Justin was afraid of being touched. 

"Yes," Justin said, sliding over. "You don't have to, if you don't want to. I just, I feel so, I'm so alone, Lance. I see it, when I close my eyes. I see the floor, and his hand, and I feel him on me, breathing on me and touching me. I don't want to feel that." 

"No, no, I don't mind," Lance said, sliding into the bed. Justin slid back over as Lance pulled the sheet back up, surprising him. Justin moved down the bed a little, laying his head on Lance's chest. Lance wrapped an arm around his shoulder comforting him, and felt a little moisture trickling from Justin's eyes, which were squeezed tightly closed. "You won't always feel that way, Justin. You won't always see it. I promise." 

"Thank you," Justin whispered. "I just, I don't want to be alone, Lance." 

"You're not alone," Lance said, stroking Justin's hair. "I'm here." 

They drifted off to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms. 

---

CHAPTER 93

---

JACK'S POV: 

"Shake your hair," Josh said, holding my hand as we stood on the doorstep of the honeymoon cottage. 

"What?" I asked, cocking my head to one side. Weren't we supposed to say something really touching and romantic to each other before we went in here? 

"There's birdseed in your hair," Josh said, smiling. "Bend over and shake it out." 

"It's in your hair, too," I said, laughing. 

Since we hadn't gotten married in a church, the traditional run through the hail of rice had taken place at the end of the reception, with our guests crowding outside as Josh and I sprinted down the sidewalk, holding hands and trying to shield our eyes. Josh had wanted rice, but I pointed out that uncooked rice would hurt, and that eating it made birds explode. Lisann suggested bubbles, but Josh was afraid we'd get soap in our eyes, so I went with birdseed, which had seemed like a great idea at the time, until we ran through it and discovered that it stung as much as rice. Not only that, but Josh had been pelted square in the back with a feed bell, thrown by Joey. I started laughing hysterically, uncontrollably, pointing at it as it rolled across the sidewalk, until a ball of suet smacked me in the chest. I looked up to see Chris, standing next to Joey, grinning, as Carla stood between them laughing, holding a bag which could only contain more bird treats. 

"That hurt," I whined, rubbing my chest as I frowned at Josh. They weren't really painful, thankfully being the small kind of seed bells, but I wasn't really looking forward to a Shirley Jackson moment to finish out the day. 

"Run!" Josh said, squeezing my hand as we saw Joey and Chris reaching into the bag. 

Throughout all of this, as we broke into a sort of fast trot, everyone else kept throwing clouds of birdseed, like we were trapped in a sandstorm. By the time we got clear, followed by cheers and applause, I was spitting birdseed all over the sidewalk, as was Josh, but we both just laughed, and tried to shake it out of the creases in our outfits as we walked to the honeymoon cottage. Technically we probably should have driven, but Josh and I had hidden the Jag the day before, to prevent it from being "decorated" by the rest of the guys. I shook out my hair, and looked back up at Josh, who was having a little more trouble, due to the heavy gelling he had inflicted on his head this morning. 

"Hold still," I said, stepping toward him and helping to pull some of the seed out. 

"So, is this how you planned on spending our first night as an old married couple?' Josh asked, looking up as he caught my hands in his. I stared into his bright blue eyes, seeing the layers and flecks, the depth and the feeling in them. "Picking seeds out of my hair?" 

"The night is young," I said, laughing. "And we haven't even gotten through the door yet." 

"That's true," Josh said, producing the key from his pocket. From this point on, everything was Josh's show. I had handled most of the wedding, and Josh was in charge of the honeymoon. I knew we were flying out tomorrow, but didn't even know where. "Jack, would it be, um, really cheesy if, you know, I carried you over the threshold?" 

"Not at all," I answered, seeing the hopeful look in his sparkling eyes. His graceful eyebrows arched up as he bent down a little to scoop me up, and I willingly hopped into his arms. His biceps bulged against me as he lifted, and I hooked an arm around his neck to hold myself up while I wondered why I hadn't gotten Josh a sleeveless tuxedo. It felt like I was missing a hell of a show beneath his clothes, and we'd have to see about taking care of that. 

Josh swung the door open and I felt my breath catch in my throat. The cottage was beautiful, covered everywhere with candles and bouquets of roses. The heady scent of so many flowers, mixed with floral candles, rolled out toward us like a cloud, and I breathed deep as Josh carried me inside. There were no lights on, but there hundred of candles in the room gave it a soft, flickering glow. I smiled, remembering the time Josh had come to visit me and had filled my apartment with candles. It felt like it had been a million years ago, but Josh's sense of romance could still leave me in awe. The stereo was softly playing some sort of violins, and I could see a bottle of champagne sticking out of an ice bucket on the coffee table, next to a pair of flutes. The bedroom door stood invitingly open, flickering light dancing across the ceiling and the door as I glanced over there, but Josh carried me toward the couch. 

"Josh, it's beautiful," I whispered against his neck, feeling him shiver a little as my breath played over him. 

"It's all for you," he whispered, turning his head to kiss me. His mouth tasted faintly of champagne from the reception. "I love you." 

"I love you, too," I answered, holding on tightly as he carried me to the couch. Josh set me down carefully on the cushions, making me feel very contentedly spoiled, and stood up to remove his jacket, carefully setting it on one of the side chairs as I pulled mine off, wadded it into a ball, and threw it over the back of the couch. 

"Do you want some champagne?" Josh asked, smiling, as he reached for the bottle. 

"No," I answered, watching his eyebrows shoot up. I grabbed the front of his shirt. "Come here." 

Josh chuckled softly as I crushed my mouth down onto his, pulling him up onto the couch toward me. He made a little moaning noise, a warm little sighing sound, as he climbed up, his taut thighs stretching the fabric of his tuxedo pants as he slid his legs down on either side of me. His beard scraped against my chin as his tongue pushed its way into my mouth, fighting with mine, and his eyes were closed in satisfaction. I could feel the firm pressure of his lips against mine and the press of his teeth through them as we worked our faces against each other, doing our best to meld into one. 

"Oh, God, Jack," Josh sighed as I slid off of his mouth and began to suck and nibble my way over the side of his jaw and down his neck. My fingers had already disposed of his tie, and they began to tug the buttons of his starched white shirt open. 

"I've been waiting for this all day," I sighed as I sucked my way down his neck. Josh's head rolled back above me, offering himself up to my mouth as I nuzzled my way over his silken skin. 

I felt the vibration of his throat as he sighed, and tasted that he had worked up a little bit of a sweat with all that dancing. It gave his neck a slightly salty, inviting sort of taste, and I couldn't stop kissing him, sucking it up. My mouth moved down, past his necklace, shoving it aside as I sucked and kissed at the hollow of his throat, and then ran my tongue lightly over his collarbone. My hands were parting his shirt now, spreading it open off of him, and his tanned chest seemed to glow against the gleaming white fabric. I climbed back up to his neck, sucking and biting again, nibbling softly, and heard him sighing above me as his hands ran up and down my back and through my hair. He moaned my name, and I glanced up past the line of his jaw to see his eyes closed in relaxation and satisfaction as I worked my mouth over him. 

Josh's skin was smooth but warm as I ran my mouth over it, dropping down over the rise of his pectoral, feeling it shift as his hands moved over me, not pulling, just kneading me caressingly. I felt his heart beating under my lips, feeling it throb in his chest, and knew that it was beating for me. His brown nipple, darkened from all his tanning, brushed my chin, and I licked my way down to it, hearing him whimper a little as I flicked my tongue out over the tip. I ran my tongue in a circle around the edge, tracing it, and then kissed the whole thing into my mouth, sucking lightly, tasting the light salt of the sweat I'd tasted on him before. I caught the tip of his nipple in my teeth, gently, but nibbling a little, tugging at it as I sucked softly, and he groaned even louder as his hands crushed my face against him. 

"Jack, Jack," he panted. 

My hands were inside his shirt, running up and down his back. I was trying to pull it off of him, but couldn't get it past his shoulders with the way his arms were wrapped around me. I pulled off of his nipple and dragged my tongue across his chest, running it across the curved underside of both pecs, nipping lightly with my teeth. I began to lick up and down his pecs like they were candy, just running my tongue over them like a cat at a bowl of milk, and Josh continued to moan and sigh, his legs shifting as he sat on top of me, tossing his head back. His sighs were a little sharper pitched now, almost like little whimpers, and they only got louder as I fastened my mouth over his other nipple, giving it the same treatment that I had the first one. My hands tugged Josh's shirttails out of his pants and continued playing lightly over the tight muscles of his back. 

As my mouth dropped down a little lower, and began crawling over the top ridges of his abs, Josh grabbed my head and pulled me back up his torso, bending my head almost painfully backward as he smashed his mouth down onto mine, pushing me backward into the couch. He fought his way out of his shirt, yanking his arms through the sleeves and flinging it off to the side, uncharacteristically messy for him, but he was clearly ready to go. The soft glow of the candles played over the rounded tan of his shoulders, giving his whole body a golden glow as he ground himself against me, his hands fighting with my tie now. I reached up to help him and he grabbed my hands with both of his, pinning them above my head as he turned, stretching me out lengthwise on the couch beneath him. His crotch was right on top of mine as he straddled me, and I could feel his hard cock grinding against my own as he continued slowly devouring my mouth. 

"I want you so bad," Josh growled against me, his voice low and husky. I guess Carla had the right idea when she made us sleep in separate cottages last night. 

Catching both of my wrists in one hand, Josh kept my upraised arms gripped tightly as his other hand practically tore my shirt open. He ran his palm up and down my body, spreading the halves of my shirt aside as his hand rubbed possessively over my chest. He caught one of my nipples between his fingers and pinched it, hard, tugging it away from the muscle of my chest, eliciting a sharp yelp of pleasure as I jammed my tongue deeper into his mouth. I twisted beneath him, my skin on fire as his hand stroked and caressed over me, but his other hand held my arms tightly in place. Honestly, I was twisting and writhing, but it wasn't like I really wanted to get away. I just found it impossible to stay still under his firm, insistent touch. That free hand rolled across my chest, felt up my abs, and slid up my neck to cup the side of my face as Josh continued to plaster his mouth down over mine, practically suffocating me, both of us groaning and sighing into each other. 

Josh's hand slid back down my chest, stopping to roll the tip of my other nipple between his fingers, and then traced the line down the center of my torso to my belt. With the skillful finesse that can only come with urgency, he deftly unbuckled my belt, unbuttoned my pants, tugged the zipper down, and then jammed his hand inside. His fingers crawled beneath the waistband of my boxers and wrapped around my shaft, squeezing and tugging before he rolled his palm over my now dripping cockhead. Slicking the smooth inside of his hand, he wrapped it around my shaft and began to pump me in earnest, sliding his fingers up and down my shaft, lining his thumb up to run over the thick vein on the underside right up to the sensitive spot just below my slit. My hips, already dancing a little, began rolling upward, thrusting in time to his movement, pistoning my throbbing cock through the tight ring of his fingers. 

"You like that?" Josh whispered, biting my earlobe, tugging it between his teeth. I almost came right then, feeling sparks shoot through me. 

"God, Josh," I whimpered, lost in the feelings, barely able to catch my breath enough to answer him. 

"I bet I know what else you like," he purred, sliding his head down to suckle my neck again. 

I felt his lips form a tight circle, and felt his teeth brush me. I'd have a hickey in the morning, but right now that seemed more hot than tacky. Josh's mouth slid further down my neck, dipping into the hollow of my throat as he kissed his way down my chest. He let go of my arms, finally, as he slid his other hand out of my pants to rest them both on my hips as he buried his face in my cloth covered crotch, attacking my pulsing cock through the fabric. He worked his mouth up and down the outline of my shaft, chewing at the slacks and me beneath, and I felt wetness begin to spread across my pants as I leaked precum all over the inside and he dripped a virtual fountain of saliva on the outside. His tongue prodded me through the cloth, and my hands dropped down to stroke and grip his shoulders, and run through his hair, lacing through it as I moaned and arched my back beneath him. 

As he continued chewing on me Josh's hands slid down my legs, caressing my thighs and squeezing my calf muscles before he tugged off one shoe, and then the other. I was barely conscious of the muffled thumps of them falling to the carpet, and then he was tugging my socks off. His hands slid back up my legs, spreading them a little, and then they were up at the waist of my pants, tugging them and my boxers down together as Josh leaned back. I lifted my ass as he fought them down over it, and my cock bounced out, slapping loudly on my stomach as it sprang free. Once he had fought the slacks over that obstacle, Josh slid them right off, and then buried his face in my crotch, going right for my balls with his tongue. My fingers tightened in his hair, trying to tug him upward to where my prick was throbbing painfully in time with my pulse, but Josh had ideas of his own, and began to suck and mouth my balls, rolling them around with his tongue and pulling them individually into his mouth. I heard him take a deep breath, and suddenly felt him suck my entire sack in. I looked down and saw him smiling up at me with his wet, stretched lips, and didn't know whether to laugh or to shoot. 

Josh chuckled, my balls vibrating inside the wet cavern of his mouth, and then he let them both slide out as his tongue slid like a wet finger up onto the shaft of my cock. He began to lick in earnest, painting his way up my pole in short little strokes, lapping at my cock the way I had licked my way over his chest, sighing softly as I yelped beneath him, wishing he'd get to the head, not sure if I'd be able to hold out until he did. He ran his tongue up and down my pole, and then played it over the ridge where my cockhead capped my shaft. He washed his tongue up over the spongy hardness of my head, licking and stroking, and then swiped it over my slit, scooping up the precum flowing out now. As I whimpered and twisted my fingers even more tightly in his hair Josh slowly pulled his tongue back in, and finally rolled his wet lips down over my head. 

"Josh!" I whimpered, pressing my head back into the cushion. 

Josh's hands slid beneath me and cupped my ass, one on each cheek, and his arms flexed as he lifted me a little toward him like I was part of a buffet. He held my weeping cockhead in his mouth, sucking lightly at it and flicking it with his tongue, and the switch from urgent frenzy to slow nursing at my cock had my head spinning. Still just barely sucking, he began to wash his tongue over and over the head, flicking it around the tip, dipping it into my slit over and over. I strained beneath him, trying to push more of myself into his mouth, but he was determined to go slow, and his hands held my hips tightly, preventing me from thrusting up into his mouth. My fingers, laced tightly through the golden brown strands of his hair, pulled at him, but he kept his neck rigidly locked in place as he suckled me, washing my head with spit and moaning contentedly. 

"Josh, please," I whimpered urgently, hearing the strain in my voice. "Please." 

Humming around my cockhead, Josh's jaw dropped open, and he began to swallow me, pulling my shaft into his mouth. It slid over his tongue as he pressed it to the top of his mouth, sucking his cheeks in a little to create a warm, tight cavern. My hips jerked up off of the couch as I moaned loudly, feeling myself slide into his throat as he continued to softly hum, the vibration racing through me. The feeling of his tongue sliding over me, wrapping wetly around my shaft, was exquisite, and I was so turned on I knew I wouldn't last very long. My cock was almost painfully sensitive, and my hands pulled at his head, my arms bulging each time he pulled back, flicking his tongue over me. 

I stared down at Josh, watching my slick shaft slide in and out of his open mouth, his lips pursed tightly around it. His eyes were closed, his hair hanging down a little where my hands weren't pulling at it, and he looked supremely content, like there was nothing else he'd rather be doing. His hands were still on my ass, his arms bulging and shifting a little as they squeezed and cupped my cheeks, pulling me toward him each time he lowered himself back onto me. His shoulders, and the glistening muscles of his back, were a fascinating play of light and shadow as the candles flicked all around us, his tanned skin glowing warmly as a light veneer of sweat began to sparkle across him. I was sweating as well, feeling beads of it blossom across my hairline and start to run down the center of my chest as I strained beneath him. 

"Josh, baby, I," I began, hearing how anxious my voice sounded, wanting to warn him. "I, I." 

I never got to complete the sentence. As I tried to catch my breath Josh swallowed me completely, pulling my cock all the way into his throat. At the same time his hands darted around me, one wrapping around my balls and tugging, hard, as the other shot up the clamp its fingers around my nipple, squeezing it sharply. I let out a high, almost screaming yelp, and felt my hips jerk up into Josh's face as I shot. My body convulsed, tightening all at once, and I thought I might lose consciousness as I felt myself lock up tight, all of me focused on the straining release. Josh swallowed, still sucking, as I buck again and again, and then I finally collapsed back against the cushions, trying to catch my breath. 

Josh let my cock slide out of his mouth, giving it a couple of licks as I tried to push him away, whimpering at the velvet sandpaper feel of his tongue on me. He chuckled and began to lick his way back up my torso, his hands sliding up my sides, over my ribs and chest. He knelt above me and softly planted his mouth over mine for just one quick kiss. I looked up into his blue eyes, and saw myself reflected in them. 

"I love you," he whispered, standing up suddenly. His erection tented out the front of his pants amusingly as he turned away from me. 

"Josh?" I asked, raising myself on my elbows. 

"Lay there and catch your breath," he said, grabbing the bottle out of the ice bucket. "I want to put the champagne in the fridge, and, like you said before, the night is still young." 

"I love you, Josh," I sighed, laying back contentedly on the couch. 

"I love you, too," he answered, walking over. His hair hung casually back from his face, messy but still sexy as hell above his glistening blue eyes. My gaze slid across his firm chest, lingering on his pointed brown nipples, following the thin dark line of hair below his belly button down into his pants. Josh bent down and scooped me up again, and I kissed his bare shoulder as I wrapped an arm around his neck. 

"Where are we going?" I asked. 

"The bedroom, of course," he answered, carrying me. 

At the doorway I turned my head and found his mouth, planting mine over it. Josh paused in the doorframe to let his tongue duel with mine, and then, sighing as we broke the kiss, he carried me into the room. I though the living room was filled with flowers, but the bedroom was a virtual greenhouse, red roses bursting from everywhere. He must have had some furniture removed to fit this many in, and they surrounded the bed, leaving space only at the foot of it for us to get on. The only light in the room came from candles here, as well, but they were floating candles, flickering delicately in crystal bowls that sent prismatic flashes and slivers of light around the room. Josh carried me over to the bed, and looking down I saw that it was made with red satin sheets, and covered in rose petals. They weren't just scattered across the top. The bed was covered in heaps of them, like a scene from "American Beauty", and Josh lay me down gently in them before stepping back. I sank in, feeling their soft press against my skin, my head swimming from their perfume. Good thing I wasn't allergic. 

Josh stood at the foot of the bed, staring at me, a toothless smile curving across his handsome, sculpted features. My eyes roamed away from his, following the curve of his cheek, the straight line on his jaw, the satisfied twist of his soft lips. Dropping down, I traced the cords of his neck, the lump of his adam's apple that dropped away into the hollow of his throat, shadowed between the lines of his collarbones, below the rounded curves of his shoulders. His necklace, Leo backed with Scorpio, glinted in the candlelight, and his wedding bands glowed, winking at me. I watched his arms shift as he put his hands on his hips, and I looked at the sweeping curves of his chest and the rippled washboard of his abs. His pecs rose and fell as he stared at me lovingly, and I felt a little self-conscious laying in the middle of this pile of rose petals, stark naked, as he gazed at me with visible, palpable hunger. 

"What are you doing?" I asked finally, blushing as I sat up. 

"I just wanted to look at you for a minute," he said quietly. 

"See anything you like?" I asked, grinning, trying to look sultry. I probably looked like an idiot. 

"Nope," he answered, shaking his head. "I see something I love." 

I wanted to melt as I watched him kick off one shoe, and then the other. Lifting his legs, storklike, he pulled off one sock, and then the other, with a kind of grace I would never have. If I tried that without leaning on a wall or something I would land right on my butt on the floor, but Josh could do stuff like this and still look good. Once he had the socks off, he unfastened his belt, tossing it aside, and then shucked off his pants and boxer briefs in one smooth movement. The view from the bed only got better with those gone. Josh's strong legs flexed as he climbed onto the bed, the golden hairs on his thighs and calves glinting softly as he reached for me, the hair on his forearms glinting as well, catching the light as if he were wrapped in a fiery glow. His cock bounced out before him, throbbing in time to his heartbeat, ready for me. 

Josh brought his hands up to my face as he lowered himself softly on top of me, pressing me down into the mattress with the firm warmth of his body. I felt his hard cock grind against my partially softened one, both of them trapped between us as his soft lips found mine again. My hands climbed up the smooth expanse of his back, feeling the muscles jump as Josh breathed against me, our chests crushed warmly together. His legs tangled against mine, the hair brushing each other, and my hands crawled over his shoulders and down his arms, sliding over the tops of his. Our kisses were soft, not urgent, little feather brushings against each other, our tongues just barely touching each other as we sighed and purred. The foreplay in the living room had taken away some of our urgency, curbed our edge a little, and now we were just glorying in the feeling of being with each other, laying together for the first time as one unit. We had called each other boyfriends, soul mates, and even husbands before, but now it actually seemed to mean something more. 

My hand drifted down Josh's side, rolling softly over his smooth skin. Josh always felt warm to me, as if he must be hotter inside than I was somehow, and his skin was always velvety soft, like the outside of a peach or an apricot, with the feeling of his firm muscles underneath. I snaked down between us and wrapped my fingers around his cock, giving it a long, slow squeeze as my hand slid from the base all the way up to the tip. Running my fingers lightly around his cockhead, I heard him sigh, and we both looked down to watch my hand, Josh's mouth hanging open a little, his bottom lip glistening wetly. He gasped as I began to stroke lightly up and down his shaft, gripping him loosely, feeling him throb in my hand, and his gasp rose a little, into a sigh of pleasure. 

He rolled a little, turning onto his side, and continued kissing my neck and my chin, one of his hands on my shoulder as the other ran up and down my arm. I kept one of my hands on his chest, feeling it rise and fall as his breathing began to pick up speed, and my other hand kept tugging gently at his cock. I worked my hand up and down him, my grip a little tighter now, palming his wide brownish cockhead every few strokes, listening to him inhale sharply as he continued kissing me. I ran my other hand up his chest to cup his chin and bring his mouth to mine again, noting with pleasure the way his closed eyes tightened each time he gasped, tense urgency washing through his face. I brushed my mouth over his again, tugging at his bottom lip with my teeth, and he groaned. Jerking him harder now, picking up speed, I slid my lips over to his ear and began to chew at it. 

"Are you hot, Josh?" I whispered, blowing into his wet ear. 

"Unh, yeah," he panted, rolling his hips toward me. 

"Are you ready?" I whispered, tugging at his earlobe with my teeth. 

"Jack, oh, Jack," he panted in answer, gasping as I grabbed the head of his cock and squeezed, feeling it leak inside my palm. 

"I want you inside me, Josh, " I panted, chewing on the side of his neck. "Now." 

"Yeah, Jack," he panted, reaching up to feel around under the pillows. 

He slid out a tube of lubricant and a handful of condoms, and I took one from him, tearing it open with my teeth so I wouldn't have to stop jerking him off. Josh twisted open the lube with trembling hands, squeezed a glob onto his fingers, and then threw the cap and the tube aside, uncharacteristically messy. He'd probably get up in the middle of the night to put them away, or else I would. Josh's hand slid down between my legs, and I gasped as I felt the cold wetness of his fingers against my hole. Josh pressed his mouth to mine, smashing our lips together, and shoved his tongue into my mouth, both of us moaning as he slid a finger inside of me. After a few moments he slid another in, and I rolled the rubber down over his cock, squeezing it. 

"Take it, Jack," he growled, nipping at my jaw. "Put it where you want it." 

Using his hard cock as a handle, I pulled him on top of me as I rolled onto my back, spreading my legs as my knees slid up on either side of him. Josh put his hands on my hips, lifting me a little, as I pressed the tip of his cock to my hole. Lifting himself up, he flexed, and I felt firm pressure against me before his head slid inside. I gasped, and my hands flew up to his shoulders, holding him, as he paused, dropping his arms down on either side of me to hold himself up and not crush me. Josh stared down at me lovingly, his face etched with lust and concern, mixed together as he waited for me to relax. I tugged at his shoulders a little, and his entire body flexed now, the muscles locking beautifully together as he slid all the way inside of me in one smooth, continuous stroke. I let out a sharp gasp, pressing my head back into the pillows, my eyes squeezing closed, and Josh dropped down, burying his head under my chin. As his pelvis came to rest against me he paused, waiting. 

"Are you ok?" he whispered, his breath hot against my neck. 

"Yeah," I answered, my voice high and tight. "I love you, Josh." 

He pulled almost all the way out, and slid all the way back in again with another of those long, slow strokes. 

"I love you, too," he answered. 

I clutched at his shoulders, sighing, feeling waves of pleasure go through me as the discomfort subsided. Josh continued kissing my neck and chin as he slid slowly, deliberately, in and out. My hands relaxed a little, not digging into his skin any longer, and I slid them down onto his back, feeling the muscles shift as he moved, beginning to speed up a little now that I was more relaxed. His arms on either side of me were like stone, and he kept looking up, catching my eyes, to make sure that he wasn't going to hard, wasn't hurting me. I felt his abs rubbing against my half hard cock, and his sharply pointed nipples sliding up and down my chest as we continued our slow, sighing, straining dance. 

Josh was going a little faster now, banging against me on his instrokes, his balls slapping against my ass. He was making little whines and moans now as my ass clutched at him, squeezing his cock, and my hands continued to slide up and down his back, clutching at the muscles, running up and down the shifting curve of his spine. I dropped them down to his ass, feeling the cheeks clench as he flexed in and out of me. Squeezing tightly I began to urge him forward, pulling at him, and his hands slid down my body to grab my knees, lifting them a little. I grunted sharply as the angle changed, and the head of his cock began to slam into my prostate. Sparks went off behind my eyes, shooting across the inside of my eyelids, and I squeezed at Josh every way at once, with my hands and my ass. My cock was hard again between our sweaty torsos, massaged by his crunching abs as he began to pound into me. 

"Harder, Josh," I panted, throwing my head back. 

He reared up above me, grabbing my legs again and putting them up on his shoulders. I was bent almost in half, but didn't even notice as Josh continued to slam deeply into me, grunting now. My hands raked up and down his back, my fingers curled into claws, tugging at him, and his hips were slamming against me as his rigid muscles drove him into me. He was staring down at me, his lips pulled back from his clenched teeth, and his groans and sighs began to turn into high pitched yelps each time he thrust into me. I draped a hand around his neck, tugging at him, as he drove me back, the bed smacking loudly against the wall. 

"Harder!" I barked, gripping him. 

"Yeah, Jack," Josh panted. 

I felt myself tightening up again, and I locked around him as I came a second time, shooting wetly onto his abs. My spasm pushed him over the edge, and Josh slammed forward, going completely rigid as his hips jerked against me. He collapsed on top of me, groaning, as we both fought to catch our breath, and my legs slid off of his shoulders. As they dropped down he slid slowly up my body, resting on me as I kissed his chin and cheeks. His eyes popped open, bright blue like gaslights, and his mouth found mine. 

"I love you," he sighed, sliding out of me. 

Josh stood on shaking legs, grabbing for a box of tissues and pulling the condom off, and then he climbed back onto the bed, kissing my neck and shoulders as he pulled me up a little. He grabbed the top of the sheet and carefully rolled it down over the rose petals, both of us lifting up as it passed under us, and we slid into the warm, silky space beneath. Josh spooned up against my back, our heads resting on the same pillow, and he kissed the nape of my neck, licking at the sweat there, as I brought his hands around to press against my chest, covering them with my own. 

"I love you, too," I sighed as he nuzzled against me. "Good night, Josh." 

"Good night, Jack," he whispered. The room was quiet, and then he sighed. "Married. I like the way that sounds." 

"Me, too," I mumbled, drifting off. 

We fell asleep. 

---

CHAPTER 94

---

JACK'S POV: 

I woke up in the middle of the night with Josh still wrapped around me. In our sleep we had turned, so that we were front to front, both of us half hard. Most of the rose petals had tumbled to the floor, and the sheets were twisted around us, rubbing sensually across our bare skin each time one of us moved. I wasn't sure what had woken me up, but Josh was still asleep, mostly, mumbling into my neck. I tried listening to him, to figure out what he might be dreaming about, but it sounded like song lyrics. I chuckled softly, thinking that he must be at a concert somewhere in his head. His body, twitching against me, seemed to support that, although he wasn't dancing. Instead he would jump or shake a little every few seconds, and I figured that must have been what had awakened me. 

I looked down at Josh's face, barely visible in the soft light from outside. The candles had all gone out, burning down and then drowning themselves in the bowls of water, but their heavy scent was still mixed in with the flowers, hanging in the air. Josh's eyes darted behind his closed lids, and his breath puffed out against my neck as he mumbled and muttered his way through whatever lineup was playing in his head. His lips were soft against me, and his body was comfortably warm. He shifted a little, muscles pressing against mine, but not tensed. He was soft in repose, completely relaxed, and I looked down his back, following the curve of his spine, visible where the sheet had slid to our waists. Just a fraction of the curved rise of his ass was visible, a little hint of crack, and one of his legs was thrown over both of mine under the sheet. 

He laughed in his sleep, startling me, and I smiled and kissed his forehead. Sighing, he nuzzled his head against my neck, his arm sliding up my chest to my shoulder as he pulled himself more tightly against me. I ran my hand over his back, kissing his eyelid, and I felt his lips move against my neck, kissing a little. He wasn't fully up yet, but he was getting there, and I started to pull away, not wanting to wake him. Josh clutched me more tightly, gripping me with both hands now, and slid upward a little, until his mouth was near mine. He began kissing my jaw, and I saw his eyes drift lazily open as he pressed his mouth to mine, fully awake now. His tongue pressed inside my mouth as he rolled partially on top of me, our lips parting with a soft sucking sound before he returned his to mine. 

I sighed against Josh, my hands sliding over his back as he rolled onto me, pressing me down into the mattress. His skin was smooth beneath my fingers, and I felt his back rising and falling with his breathing as he kissed his way down my jaw to nuzzle at my neck again. He worried over the spot where he had raised a hickey earlier, teasing it with his mouth, and I inhaled sharply as I felt him suck lightly at it again. I'd have a bruise there for days at this rate. His chest rested against mine, our breathing synchronized so that he inhaled when I exhaled, our pecs rising and falling in one smoothly continuous wave, not fighting each other. One of his hands slid around to the back of my head, cupping it, turning my face toward him for more kisses before turning it away, giving him access to my neck again, and my hands kept playing over his back. His other hand drifted lower, dancing over my abs, and then began to lightly caress my half hard cock, which immediately began to stiffen. 

I sighed again, my eyes closed, and felt his own cock stiffening against my hip. I wanted to grab it, and give him some of the same slow pleasure he was giving me, but it was trapped between our bodies. Instead my hands slid down, over the dipped hollow of his lower back, and began to caress his ass. Like everything else about him, Josh's ass was perfect, a firm, rounded bubble butt with just enough give to make feeling it up fun. He shifted against me, pressing his cock more firmly against my hip, and his fingers, wrapped around my cock, stopped caressing it, tracing the veins and ridges, and began to stroke lightly, slowly. Josh's mouth was still buried under my jaw, kissing and sucking at my neck, his other hand turning my head from side to side so that he could get to either one. His hand left my head and began to slide around under the pillows, searching for those condoms from earlier. He found one and pulled it out, mimicking my earlier move of tearing it open with my mouth as his other hand continued to stroke my hard cock. 

I gasped as I felt him begin rolling the rubber down over me, surprised. 

"Josh?" I whispered. 

"Shhh," he breathed against my neck, still kissing lightly all around under my chin and down to the hollow of my throat. 

Josh shifted, sliding over me, and I lay still, knowing he liked to do this at his own pace. It wasn't exactly rare that I fucked Josh, but usually I was the bottom in our relationship. Every once in a while, when he felt like going this way, I always let him take it slowly, since he wasn't as used to it. He spit into his hand and began rubbing my cock with it, and I wondered if maybe we should have picked up that lube off of the floor after all. His tanned legs came down on either side of me, and I felt my cockhead pressing against him. He squeezed his eyes closed, sliding down a little, and we both gasped as I popped inside through his tight ring. 

"You ok, baby?" I whispered, running my fingertips up and down his back soothingly. He was so tight, and I had to steel myself to keep from bucking my hips up. 

"Yeah," he whispered. 

He planted his hands squarely on my pecs, a palm over each nipple, and began to very slowly sit up. As he did he lowered himself down onto me, a little at a time, and I kept running my hands over him, kissing whatever part of him happened to be over my mouth. Finally he reached the end, lowering himself all the way down, and he sat there, motionless, his body tense, his head tossed back and his eyes closed. My hands drifted down his firm chest to play with his nipples, and he smiled, rolling his head forward to stare down at me. When his eyes found mine, glistening in the dark, he very slowly began to raise himself, and I dropped my hands down to rest them on the tops of his thighs, feeling the muscles flex sinuously, trained from years of dancing to top physical form. 

Josh was beautiful as he sat above me, all of his muscles melded seamlessly together, flawlessly. From the mop of brown and gold hair down to his blue eyes, from his toned calves up to his firmly jutting cock with its full, low hanging balls and their lacy covering of hair, Josh was beautiful. It was more than just his body, though, more than his dark tan or chewable brown nipples. Josh seemed to glow from within, the shining force of his personality. It could be easily overshadowed by the others if you weren't looking for it, could be lost in Chris's frenetically twitching enthusiasm or Justin's subtle and not so subtle manipulation of the spotlight, but Josh was lit with a strength and grace and overall joy for life that couldn't help but burst out of him, and infect everyone he touched. And he loved me, which never ceased to amaze me. He could have anyone he wanted, and out of all the world he wanted me. 

Now that he had relaxed a little Josh began to pick up the pace, riding me a little harder, letting out a little soft yelp each time he lowered himself and I stabbed inside of him. My own hips had begun to move now, involuntarily, and Josh had dropped his hands down to cover mine as they sat on his thighs, lacing his fingers through my own. His hands, like the rest of him, were strong, but gentle, and our hands clenched together each time I thrust into him. He stared down at me, smiling, his eyes squeezing a little each time, but not closing, and little waves of pleasure cascaded over his face. I was sighing as he clenched around me, feeling my whole body focus on the intense pleasure rolling up from my cock, finding myself getting more and more turned on as I watched Josh starting to sweat above me. I unlocked my hands from his and began to play them up and down his chest, feeling the light sheen of moisture, twirling my fingertips around the edges of his nipples. Josh curled his fingers, scratching them up and down my chest, and I sighed with pleasure at the added sensations. 

Josh began to ride me faster now, a little harder, and I brought my hands down from his chest to wrap them both around his cock. It was sticking out from his body, hard and throbbing, and he groaned loudly, his voice cracking in a high pitched sigh as I touched him. I began to roll one hand around and around his spongy, firm brownish cockhead, squeezing it a little and caressing it, smearing around the salty leaking precum that was rolling in thick, glistening droplets out of his slit while I slid the other up and down his steely hard, silken pole. Josh's mouth hung open, and he tore his eyes away from my face to look down, and watch my hands work at him. He began to pant louder now, the high pitched little yelping exhales that always told me he was close, and began to dance on top of me even faster, rolling his hips, his thighs clenching beautifully as they clenched and lowered. His hands, still on my chest, were gripping at me now, the fingertips digging in a little as he used me for traction. 

"Jack, Jack, Jack," he panted, over and over, my name mixed in with whimpering groans and whines. 

"I love you, Josh," I said, and his head snapped up, his eyes searching for mine. His blue eyes locked onto my green ones, and I felt myself falling into them, lost in the sapphire pools. "I love you." 

Josh's whole body locked, pecs flexed, abs rigid, and he let out a loud yelp that was almost a scream as whitish streamers of hot cum splattered out of his cock, spraying all over me in glistening ropes. Seeing him like that, feeling his ass clamp down, vise-like, on my cock, I was pushed over the edge as well, and my hips jerked up, almost throwing him off as I felt myself shoot, and then shoot again. My hand closed tightly around his cock as I spasmed, squeezing another spurt out, and then he dropped down, collapsing on top of me in a sweaty pile of limbs. I felt his breath against my neck, and then his hands slid up, grabbing my head roughly. He turned my face toward his and jammed his tongue into my mouth, kissing me with such force it felt as if he was trying to consume me. When he finally pulled back I looked up into his blue eyes and smiled. 

"Was it good?" he asked, kissing my cheek next to my mouth. 

"Always," I answered, feeling him start to slide off of me. I reached over for the tissues, but he pulled the box out of my hands. 

"Let me," he whispered, dropping down. He pulled the condom off, wadded it up in a tissue, and threw it onto the floor in the general direction of the last one. Dropping down, he began to lap at my cock, swiping off the cum with his wide tongue. 

"Oh, God, Josh," I panted, pressing my head into the pillow, my back arching as my fingers clutched the sheets tightly. 

I was always sensitive after I shot, and his tongue felt both softly smooth and sandpaper rough as it washed over me. Climbing up my cock, giving the head a few extra licks for good measure as he cleaned me, Josh began to slide up my torso. His tongue followed the lines of his cum, cleaning up his sticky seed as he worked his way over my abs and then back up my chest. Finally he was laying on top of me again, and when he brought his mouth down to mine I greedily snaked my tongue over and around his, savoring the shared taste of both of us as we moaned into each other. Finally he pulled back, kissing me again, and lay down beside me, facing me. 

"I love you, Jack," he whispered, staring at me as his hand drifted up to caress the side of my face. "Forever." 

"I love you, too, Josh," I answered. "Forever. And then some." 

We drifted back to sleep, cradling each other, our noses brushing against each other as our heads shared the same pillow. I felt warm, safe, and loved as I lay there, Josh's hand resting on my face and mine resting against his side, and the last thing I heard before I drifted off was him sighing contentedly, his warm breath tickling my face. Josh's sleep was probably peaceful, but I woke up later covered in sweat, stifling a scream. Josh had drifted over to the other side of the bed, one of his arms thrown toward me across the mattress, and I sat up, holding my face in my hands, trying to collect myself and slow my breathing down. I looked over at Josh, seeing his face turned toward me, and watched his eyebrows furrow together in his sleep, a wave of worry crossing his features. He mumbled something in his sleep, and I wondered if he could sense that I was awake. The two of us were so in tune sometimes it was scary. 

Sliding carefully out of bed, feeling sticky from the sweat, I padded into the bathroom, noticing that the sun was up. I thought about taking a shower, but glanced at the clock, and realized I had time for a bath in the huge whirlpool tub. I didn't plan to play with any of the extra settings, just filling the tub up with steaming water, but it did have these really nice headrests, and I settled onto one, folding a wet washcloth over my eyes. My heart was still fluttering a little, but I was mostly calmed down, and I lay in the tub, almost completely submerged, drifting and trying to put the nightmare out of my mind. I hadn't had one in a couple of days, and had actually started to entertain the thought that they might be going away, but this morning proved that wasn't the case. 

I heard a light splash and felt the water shift a little. Lifting the washcloth, I saw Josh sitting on the side of the tub, watching me. Bubbling foam began to fill the end of the tub, and I realized he had thrown a bath ball of some kind in there with me. He looked at me carefully, concerned, and stroked the side of my face with the back of his fingers. 

"Can I come in?" he asked. 

"There's room for two," I said, sliding over a little. 

Josh slid into the tub, reaching over to flick on the whirlpool controls, and suddenly there was foam everywhere. It was lightly scented, and kind of soft, and I tried to remember the last time I had a bubble bath. Josh took the washcloth from my hand and turned me, pulling my back against his front as his legs slid up on either side of me. He began to gently run the washcloth in circles over my back, running it up and down my shoulders and down my spine. I raised my knees, folded my arms on top of them, and rested my head on them. 

"I woke up, and you weren't in the bed," he said quietly. "Are you ok?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied, closing my eyes. 

"No, you're not," Josh said, seeing right through me. He wasn't angry, just concerned. "Nightmare?" 

I nodded, sighing. 

"Tell me about it, please," Josh said, setting the washcloth aside somewhere. His hands came down on either side of my neck and began to knead my traps, gently but firmly. "I want to help." 

"I know," I sighed, feeling some of the tension dropping out of my shoulders. "It wasn't anything new or different, you know, just more of the usual. I was in the basement again, and I was trying to get out. I got the faceplate off, and put my necklace back on, and I was pulling the hinges out of the door. And when I got them out, I started moving the door, and it fell on me." 

My voice was so quiet I was surprised Josh could hear it over the swirling of the tub. He kept massaging my neck and my shoulders, waiting patiently as I let everything out. I always tried to treat this lightly, trying to pretend like these were just average little dreams. I mean, really, on the surface they didn't sound particularly horrifying. I got chased by a fat guy. A door fell on me. I found my husband upstairs having sex with his best friend. When I was asleep, though, when I was locked inside of them, I was there. I was back in the basement, and it was all real, stripped of the haze of memory, reduced to the bare urgency I had lived through. No matter how lightly I tried to treat them, though, or how hard I tried to downplay them, Josh always saw the seriousness beneath, and tried to help. He sighed, kissing the back of my neck, his hands kneading at my shoulders as he waited, offering his silent support. 

"The door fell on me," I repeated, feeling my closed eyes sting. "I couldn't lift it up, I was too weak, and I was underneath it. I couldn't get out from underneath, and he came down the stairs, and he saw it, and he started walking on it. I couldn't get out, and he started walking on the door, and it was crushing me. It was pushing down on me, and my ribs cracked, and I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't get out from under it, and he was laughing, Josh. He was laughing." 

"It's ok," Josh sighed, leaning forward. He wrapped his arms around me, his head on my shoulder, and gently pulled be back against him. I didn't move, still locked into a tight little ball, and I felt his mouth on the side of my face, kissing one of my tears. "It's ok, baby. Why didn't you wake me?" 

"I don't know," I answered. "You looked so peaceful, and I wanted to let you sleep. I'm tired of waking you up for this, Josh. I'm tired of waking up for this. I just wish they would stop. I mean, some nights I don't even want to go to sleep, because I'm afraid of what might happen, what I might see. And it doesn't matter that I know they're dreams, because I only know that when I'm awake." 

Josh had stopped pulling on me, wrapping himself around me. His arms and chest and legs were all cradling me, enveloping me in his soothing presence, and the scent from the bath was comforting as well, mixed with the feeling of the warm water swirling around us. When I was with Josh it was like being in our own little world, wrapped in each other, but it never seemed to last. We lived for these moments together, and cherished them. 

"Jack, you have to remember what your counselor said," Josh sighed, his cheek against mine as his chin rested on my shoulder. Both of our eyes were closed. "They'll get less and less, and someday they'll be gone. And until they are, you'll always be with me, and you'll always be safe. I won't let anything else happen to you, Jack. I won't fail you again, not ever." 

I sighed, wishing we weren't having this discussion again. Josh had mentioned this only a few times since the night we took Justin to the hospital, but each time his face had clouded, some of his light dimming, and I knew that if I turned now he would look exactly the same way. It didn't matter how many times I told him there was nothing else he could have done, that he did all he could and that none of it was his fault. He struggled with it, though, this feeling of failure, and doubt, and I was worried about him. Josh had never failed at anything, and I was worried that this would start to consume him, that he would embrace his perceived failure with the same intensity he turned toward everything else. I wondered if I should send him to therapy, our apparent catch all answer to everything, or if we should work it out together. Until it went away, or we got through it, I thought the best thing I could do was to make sure he knew how important he was to me, and how I didn't hold anything against him. 

"Josh, you've never failed me," I sighed. "You couldn't stop what happened, and you've been here for me ever since, Josh. Every time I reach out, you're always here, and that's what I need, Josh." 

"But Jack, I can't help you like you need," he sighed against me. "When you're there, in that place, I can't help you, and that kills me." 

"I know, but Josh, I don't want you in that place," I said, and felt him tense up a little. "You know what happened to me there. I've told you, and you know what it was like." 

"But that's not the same," Josh sighed. "I can tell you I understand, but I can't ever really know what it was like for you, and I feel like I can't help you enough because I don't know that. I've never been in danger like that, Jack. I've never been afraid that I might die, and I can only imagine what it's really like for you to live that over and over, Jack, but I'll never know." 

"I don't want you to ever know that, Josh," I said, holding his arms as he kept them wrapped around me. "I love you. I don't want you to be hurt, or to suffer, not ever, Josh. What happened to me is something I never want to have happen to you, Josh. I love you too much to think about you being hurt, for any reason." 

He sighed again, and I pulled his arms off of me, turning around in the water. I took his face in my hands. 

"Josh, I heard what you said to my mother," I said. "You know that. And what you said then, and just now, about not being able to do enough to help me, is so wrong. I don't know how I can explain that to you, Josh, or how else I can show you. You mean everything to me. Everything. It rips my heart out to hear you think you could ever fail me, Josh. Just knowing that I have you gives me so much strength, makes me so brave, and I don't want you to ever think it's not important, or it's not enough." 

"Jack, you don't need me to be brave," he said, smiling at me. "You're brave all by yourself." 

"But I'm not by myself anymore," I said, leaning forward to drop a quick kiss onto his mouth. "And see? I feel better already. I love you so much, Josh." 

"I love you, too," he answered, the way he always did. He hugged me tightly to him, only our upper bodies touching as our legs tangled with each other under the bubbles. Josh kissed me on the forehead and reached back, grabbing the sides of the tub. He hoisted himself up out of the tub, water coursing down his body in streams, over his abs, down his chest, off of his half hard cock. "Sit tight. I have this idea." 

"I have this idea, too," I grinned, staring up at him as I drifted back and set my head on one of the headrests. Josh smiled back as he blotted himself with a towel and then trotted naked out of the bathroom, his ass jiggling. 

"Not that idea," he called from the main room. I heard clinking and then he reappeared with the champagne flutes and the bottle from last night. "We didn't drink any of this, and we have two hours before we meet the guys for brunch. After that, we have a wrap up with Lisann, and then we fly out. I want us to have some quiet time before all that." 

"Haven't you had enough quiet time?" I asked, grinning lecherously, emphasizing the words "quiet time" as Josh used a hand towel to cover the cork. He popped open the bottle, finally, and laughed as he poured the champagne into the flutes. Carrying them carefully, he slid back into the tub, amazingly not losing his footing, and he sank back down, resting his head on the other headrest. 

"Come over here," he said, holding out my flute as he set his on the side of the tub. He had left the bottle over there, too, where we could grab it again for refills. I slid carefully through the water, and Josh guided me with his free hand until I was resting against him, my back to his front, my head on his shoulder. He chuckled softly and reached around to clink his glass against mine. "Cheers." 

"Cheers," I answered. "Here's to being married." 

"I'll drink to that," Josh said, sipping his. "You know, a lot of people said that once we got married, that would be it for the romance." 

"Really?" I asked, sipping my champagne as well. I wasn't a big fan of champagne, but I knew expensive when I tasted it, and was afraid to look at the bottle. "It certainly didn't feel like romance was dead last night, neither time." 

Josh laughed against me, his chest shaking against my back as I laughed along with him. 

"I didn't say it," Josh said, his free hand sliding up under my arm to rest on my shoulder. "I was just repeating what I heard." 

"I think that's only true for straight people," I said, feeling his nose nuzzle my cheek. "We better warn Chris not to propose to Vlada after all. So, Josh, if the romance is dead, where are we going from here?" 

Josh sighed, and I wondered what was wrong. Josh and I knew each other so well that I could tell from just that one exhale that the mood was about to shift, and that he was feeling nervous in some way about whatever he was about to tell. I slid my free hand up over the one he had on my chest, letting him know I was here, and that whatever it was would be ok. 

"I wanted to talk to you about that, actually," Josh said carefully. "I know that I've been keeping the honeymoon kind of secret, and I want to talk to you about it, because some of it is up to you. I have the first part planned, and I know you're going to love it, but I have an idea for the second half, and I wanted to ask you, because I don't want to do it if you don't want to. It's just something that I know you've been trying not to think about, and I want you and I to do it together, if that's what you want." 

His voice was a little urgent, and I turned my head, kissing his cheek. 

"Josh, calm down," I said. "I'm not sure why you're so nervous, but please, go ahead and just say it, ok? Whatever your idea is, I want to hear it, and then we can talk about it, ok?" 

"I just, you know, it might upset you," Josh said, and I realized he was worried about hurting me. 

"Josh, even if it does upset me, I know you don't want to do that, and don't mean it in a bad way," I said. "Please, off with the kid gloves. What's your idea?" 

"I was thinking that we might, um," Josh began, and swallowed. He collected himself for a moment, and started again. "I was thinking that since we'll have this time when we're together, and it's just you and me, that maybe this would be a good time, if you want to, to, um, I thought maybe we might look at the envelope from your mother." 

I swallowed, thinking, not sure what to say. Josh interpreted my silence as some sort of disapproval, and continued babbling. 

"I know that it's private, and that's why I didn't want to push you to open it," he began. "But you did say that you were going to look at it someday, and I don't want you to do that alone. At the same time, though, I don't want to put myself into that if you don't want me there, because it's personal." 

"Slow down, Josh, please," I said calmly, wanting him to see that I wasn't angry. "Josh, it's personal, yes, but my personal life is yours. We don't keep things from each other." 

"If we don't keep things from each other, then what are you thinking?" Josh asked. "You're so quiet, and it's scaring me a little. If this is the wrong time for this, please, please just say so, and we'll forget I mentioned it." 

"No, Josh," I said, squeezing his hand. I grabbed the bottle and topped us both off. "I'm not mad. You just surprised me a little, that's all. I guess I'm just curious. I mean, yeah, I do want to look at that someday, but can I ask why now? It's not exactly a matter of romance. Well, it could have been, since they got a baby out of it, but you know what I mean." 

"Well, um, I have a theme for our honeymoon," Josh said, smiling. I chuckled, not at all surprised that he would make everything part of some elaborate matching vision. It was just so Josh. "For the first part, I'm going to take you to Maryland. I'm going to show you where I grew up, so you can see where I went to school, and where we used to live, and all the rest. You took me home, and it brought us so much closer, and I want you to see where I'm from, too." 

"Josh, that's so sweet," I said, blushing a little for some reason. 

"Thanks," he said, kissing my cheek. "I was hoping you'd like it, but that's only the first part. While we're down there, I thought we might just do some fun stuff, too, like run around Baltimore for a day, and go to DC and maybe see some museums and stuff like that, and just have some quiet time together. What? What are you laughing at?" 

"I'm sorry," I said, wiping at my eyes. "We're geeks, Josh. You're like, 'Let's go to a museum for our honeymoon,' and I'm laughing because I really want to do it. We really do belong together." 

"Thanks," Josh said, nuzzling my neck. "I figured you'd like it. After DC, though, that's where we have an empty spot, and I thought maybe, since we were looking at where I came from, it would be a good time to look at where you did. We don't have to, if you don't want to, or you're not ready, but I thought I'd make the offer now. I know you've been focusing on the wedding a lot, but now that it's over, I don't want you to start brooding on this. And I don't want you to say you don't brood, because I know you." 

"You're right, I guess," I said. "I guess I'd rather face it now, but Josh, can we take it slow?" 

"Of course we can," he answered, hugging me tightly to him. "Jack, if you don't want to do this at all, please just say so. I don't want to force you into this if you're not ready yet. I mean, you've only known for like a week. If you aren't ready, or you don't want to think about this yet, please tell me." 

"No, Josh, please don't feel bad for suggesting this," I said. "I just, well, I don't want you to feel bad if I end up not being ready. I want to know who I am, Josh, but I'm kind of scared, too. And, well, Evelyn said all the paperwork is in there, and the name of the town. I don't want to disappoint you, Josh, but what if we go out to that town and I don't want to know?" 

"Jack, I'll never be disappointed in you," he said. "If all you want to do is go see the town, or not even that, I want you to do whatever you're comfortable with, ok?" 

"OK," I said, sipping my champagne again. "I have an idea now, too." 

"What?" he asked. 

"Finish up your champagne, and then we're going to rinse off and wash our hair," I said. "Then we're getting dressed, because we have to do something else before we go meet everyone." 

"What?" he asked, swallowing. 

"Well, if we're going to talk about taking trips and going to find these people, well, we should probably start by actually opening the envelope." 

---

CHAPTER 95

---

JACK'S POV: 

"Josh, did these, um, come from the costume department?" I asked, holding up the t-shirt Josh handed to me. It was plain white, and on the front in red rhinestones were the words, "Just Married". 

"I made them!" Josh said, grinning. His, black and sleeveless, had the same words, in clear sparkling rhinestones, and I couldn't help but notice how tight his was as he rolled it down over his chest. "Well, I designed them, anyway. I know it's not quite your style, but we did promise People magazine some casual after wedding photos in the package we're sending them. And it looks good with your pants." 

Josh had picked out my clothes because he had packed them all, and this was the only outfit left out. Part of planning the honeymoon had included a few mystery shopping trips to get things Josh said I needed, and I had grudgingly handed over my clothing, minus a few essentials, the day before the wedding. Now that I knew where we were going, I kind of wanted my clothes back, but Josh insisted that there would still be surprises, and he wanted them left intact. 

"So you're just going to ration out my clothes for me?" I asked, back when he first suggested this plan. 

"Yes," he answered, opening the closet. "Don't worry. I'm not going to make you wear anything really bad, but your style could use a little push." 

"Toward yours?" I asked, amused. "I'm not wearing anything made of feathers or rags, Josh." 

"I know," he said, leaning forward to kiss me on the forehead. "And I won't make you wear anything really horrible, ok? I promise." 

As I said, I had grudgingly agreed, wanting to humor him, and trusting him to do his best to keep his promise. After all, he did pick out a lot of clothes for me that time we had gone shopping with Justin, and he'd bought me some stuff when I was in the hospital, too. Some of it was a little different than I was used to, but none of it was really awful, and none of it was quite up there with some of the things I'd seen him wear. Josh had a really good sense of style and fashion, but every once in a while it was like something shorted out in his brain, and I wanted to pull him back into the bedroom and redress him. The t-shirt I held in my hands now, while not something I would have picked out for myself, still showed that Josh considered my wants, even if he thought I was a little stuffy. It was loose, and had sleeves, and it did go well with the red cargo pants Josh had picked out for me. 

"I forgot we had to do casual shots," I said, frowning as I pulled the shirt on. "They're not staying for all of brunch, are they?" 

"No, thank God," Josh said, smiling. "They want a couple shots of us holding hands and mooning around like newlyweds, and some shots of us joining everyone else at the table, and then they're out, and we send them the wedding pictures later. Do you want the sunglasses I picked out for that?" 

"No, thanks," I said, looking at the pair of red human fly glasses in his hands. I had to draw a line somewhere. "I have my little black ones, and they'll do just fine." 

"Maybe I'll wear these, then, " he said, slipping them into his pocket. Josh looked at me thoughtfully, his head cocked to one side, his blue eyes flashing beneath his furrowing eyebrows. "Jack, are you really uncomfortable in that?" 

"No, Josh," I said, walking over to him. "I think the shirts are cute. The rhinestones are a little much, but, you know, it's kind of what people expect. Just don't expect me to wear stuff like this all the time, ok?" 

"OK," Josh said, draping his arms around my shoulders. His black shirt stretched temptingly as he moved, riding up just a little above the waist of his tight, dark blue jeans, with their odd white pattern, but we didn't have time for this. 

"Josh, I love you, but look at the clock," I said. Sighing, he turned his head. "See, we can either make out for a half hour, which, you know, is enough time for something quick, or we can open that envelope." 

"You're right," he said, taking my hand and walking me toward the living room. "I love you, too, and besides, we can have sex on the plane." 

I froze, my smile at him slipping a little in surprise. 

"You're kidding, right?" I asked. 

"I've always kind of wanted to join the mile high club," Josh said, tugging me toward the couch. He leaned over and stuck his tongue out, swiping it wetly up the side of my face. 

"Josh," I began, blushing, not sure if he was serious or not. The thought of sex in a tiny little airplane, sneaking back to the bathroom from first class, was kind of embarrassing, but was also kind of hot. Of course, the thought of sex of any kind with Josh was kind of hot. 

"I might be kidding, I might not," he said, giggling. Boy, on the days when shy Josh slipped away, he really slipped. 

I sat down next to him, and we stared at the envelope sitting on the coffee table. Some of our good humor slipped away, and Josh reached over and took my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. The two of us stared at it as if it might open itself, and I wondered, finally, what actually was inside. I hadn't looked at anything when I tucked the card from my mother in there, but it didn't feel very thick. My eyes crawled over the flap, seeing the layers of tape at the top, wondering if this actually got moved around enough to need to be sealed closed. Maybe the tape was kind of symbolic, part of the way my mother and father had compartmentalized this and locked it away. After all, for me never to have seen this throughout my entire childhood in that house, it must have been locked away somewhere secure, like the safe. 

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Josh asked me quietly, squeezing my hand. 

"Yeah, I think so," I said, pulling it toward me with my free hand. 

I looked at the watermark on the top of the envelope and felt a surge of resentment, wondering who could have put their wet drink down on my life. Then I realized I was masking nervousness with pettiness, and I let go of Josh and opened the flap, sliding my finger under the tape. Both of us took a deep breath, and I wondered what Josh though was going to be in there. My mother had already told us that there weren't any names, but I was curious now to see what there was. I picked up the envelope, and reached inside, pulling out the note from Evelyn. I set it down on the table. 

"Want to read it again?" I asked. Josh shook his head. I didn't want to read it again, either, so I pulled out the next document, and Josh and I looked at it together. I handled it delicately, assuming all of the paper was at least as old as I was. "Josh, this is my birth certificate." 

"Wow," Josh said softly. 

I felt kind of unsettled as I looked at it. The page was off white, printed on thick, almost cardstock paper. On one side were statistics, vitals, my birth weight, and length, the color of my eyes and hair. The spaces for my name were blank, and I felt a pang inside. I had started out my life as no one. There was a town, in Colorado, but not one I had heard of. At least my birthday really was mine. On the left side of the page, next to the measurements, was a large box with a tiny black footprint in it. Josh traced a finger down it thoughtfully. 

"This is you, Jack," he said, his voice filled with wonder. "This is you, from the minute God brought you into the world." 

"It feels weird," I said. "I didn't even have a name. I mean, how weird is that? I left the hospital without a name. I don't even know who brought me home, Josh. I mean, did I get sent to an orphanage? Was my father at the hospital? And look at this, Josh. My father does corporate work. What the hell was he doing in Colorado? Was he on business? Did he know someone in this town?" 

"Jack, calm down, please," Josh said, squeezing me against him. "This is only the first thing we've taken out." 

"I know, I know," I said, resting my head on his shoulder for a second. "I'm sorry. It's just that I have so many questions all of a sudden, like I was holding this all in somehow, and now that I'm looking at this they're all bubbling up in my mind." 

"Jack, we don't have to look at this," Josh said again, kissing my forehead as he wrapped his arms around me. I wasn't crying or really upset, but I could tell he was worried. 

"No, no, it's ok," I said, pulling away to kiss him back. "Josh, we're going to have to make a side trip when we're done in Washington. We're going to have to go see my father." 

Josh swallowed. 

"Are you sure?" Josh asked. He glanced at the envelope in my hands. "Maybe we should keep looking at this. The answers to some of your questions might be in here." 

"They probably are, but I think I'm going to have to talk to him, regardless," I said. I knew Josh was afraid of taking me back home, afraid of causing me to have a relapse of any kind. The last trip had been so stressful, but there really wasn't much else we could do. "Let's see what else is in here." 

The next thing I found was a photograph of me, in a crib in the hospital nursery. I was a tiny, red faced baby, screaming, and wearing only a diaper. I noticed that the blankets in the crib were all regulation hospital white. I didn't have any personal objects near me in the picture, anything that would imply that someone cared about me. I pointed this out to Josh, and he tried to reassure me. 

"Maybe your family was poor, and couldn't give you anything," Josh said, rubbing my back. "Maybe they really wanted you, but couldn't keep you. Maybe they thought they were giving you a better life." 

"Maybe," I said doubtfully. "Or maybe they didn't want me at all, and they didn't want to get attached." 

I felt a tear trickle down my face, and Josh carefully wiped it away with his fingertip. 

"Jack, please don't talk like that," he said. 

I knew what he was thinking, and he was right. I was somebody now, somebody special, someone that other people cared about, and wanted. And it was silly to jump to conclusions, considering that we didn't really know anything. I just needed to stop letting my pessimism rule me. I squeezed Josh's knee and pulled the rest of the papers out all at once, setting them on my lap so that we could go through them together. There wasn't anything very profound in them, although it did offer an interesting glimpse into the lives of my parents. Here was an announcement from the country club newsletter welcoming a new addition to the Springer family. Here was a snapshot of my mother standing next to a rather more elaborate crib, smiling at the camera, but not touching me. 

"How Victorian," I said, smirking. It really wasn't funny, but sarcasm, as always, continued to be my defense. I could see the awkwardness of her posture, the weird way she was standing by the crib but not really seeming to be part of it, and wondered why no one else had been able to see it. 

"Look, here's an invitation for your christening," Josh said, holding up a little engraved card. 

"Social gesture," I said absently. "We only went to church on Christmas and Easter. Josh, the only things in this entire pile that really have anything to do with where I came from before I went to Ohio are this birth certificate and this picture of me at the hospital." 

"You're right," Josh said, looking through the rest of the pile, casually flipping through a couple more announcements, and some cards of congratulations from family friends. "Wait, here's something else." 

I looked over, and saw him carefully removing a form from between a couple of cards. 

"What's that?" I asked, reading it along with him. It was a certificate of adoption. I pulled it out of Josh's hands, scanning it quickly. There was my father's signature, and there was my name. Someone had to sign me over to him, though. There had to be another name on here. "Shit." 

"What?" Josh asked, looking at it. 

"I thought maybe my mother would be the one who signed this," I said, frowning. That would have been too easy. "My birth mother, I mean. This is the lawyer who handled the adoption. See? His name is down here, too." 

"Yeah, but Jack, do you know what that means?" Josh asked, smiling. I shook my head. "If he could sign up here, too, it means he was legally representing the woman who gave birth to you. He had power of attorney to sign for her! This is a lead, Jack! And look at the bottom! His office is in the same town as the hospital! Jack, we just have to find this guy." 

Josh hugged me tightly, and I hugged him back, the two of us all but crushing each other. This wasn't impossible. We could do it, and we wouldn't have to go through my father. I wouldn't have to go back to Ohio, at least not yet. Both of us were grinning now, smiling like idiots as we carefully put everything back in the envelope. I put it in my carryon bag, and set it by the other bags at the door as Josh and I linked hands and began walking toward the main building. We weren't late for brunch yet, but if we hurried we could get the pictures done quickly, and would have more time to see our friends before we had to fly out. 

Walking over, I caught Josh smiling at me, giggling. 

"What?" I asked, flexing my fingers, linked through his. 

"I was just thinking, you know, about you being upset because you didn't have a name," he said. "It's kind of funny, because you ended up with four last names. Jackson Parker Springer Chasez." 

"Really funny, Mrs. Springer, " I said, grinning back. "Sometimes I don't know if I want to kiss you or to smack you upside the head." 

"I'd go for the kissing," Josh said, leaning over to peck me on the cheek. 

I had only been through a couple of photo shoots, but Josh was a veteran, and walked me through the entire thing after we met Lisann and the photographer. It wasn't our wedding photographer, as he was busy getting proofs read for us to view during our closing meeting with Lisann. I was a little surprised they could have them ready the next day, but Josh whispered casually, his voice low to keep the photographer from hearing, that anything was possibly at the price we were paying. We were sending packages of wedding, rehearsal dinner, and reception shots to various magazines, using the money to offset the cost of the wedding. It had been a concession that kept the media satisfied but also kept them from waiting by the gates with cameras or hovering overhead in helicopters. The photographer thought Josh was whispering sweet nothings to me, and immediately snapped a picture, which made me burst out laughing. 

I realized that Josh kept turning me, so that the guy was only getting one side of me, and I finally stopped them both. 

"Guys, I'm not Barbara Streisand," I said, hands on my hips. "You can take a picture of either side of my face." 

"Um, actually, JC asked if I would avoid that side," the photographer said, glancing at Josh. I turned to Josh as well. 

"OK, it's not what it sounds like," Josh said quickly, raising his hands. The photographer started snapping pictures again, perhaps thinking he would catch our first married spat. "It's not your face that's the problem, Jack, since you're beautiful and handsome and perfect, but have you seen your neck this morning?" 

"Oh, shit," I blushed sheepishly, raising my hand to cover the giant hickey I'd forgotten about, which Josh had left last night. As I stood there blushing and looking down with my hand pressed to my neck Josh leaned over and kissed me on the temple, and the photographer snapped that, too, and decided he was done. I whispered to Josh. "Thank God." 

"You'll get used to this someday," he laughed. "Let's go have some brunch." 

When we walked into the private dining room everyone else was already there, waiting patiently for us. Lisann had run ahead to tell them we were wrapping up the photography shoot, and then she went back to coaching her army of assistants through dismantling the wedding. They glanced up, and I saw smiles race around the room. In my newlywed glow I decided to pretend the smiles were because they were happy for us, and not because they were giggling at these shirts Josh had designed. In truth, it was probably both. Joey and Carla were off in the corner, discussing something in hushed whispers. Carla had her hair down, a way she didn't usually wear it, but maybe she didn't want it piled up on her head in the Florida heat. Chris was sitting by himself next to two empty chairs, leaning over to talk across the table to Lance, who was stirring a cup of tea. Justin sat next to Lance, leaning over to listen to some story Vlada was telling him in a quiet, mirthful voice, her accent curling around the words. There were two empty chairs side by side at the head of the table, and I assumed they were for us. 

"Good morning, everybody," I said, smiling, as Josh and I took our seats. 

"Good morning!" they all blurted, more or less in unison. Joey and Carla drifted over to their seats, and servers appeared with steaming trays, setting them down the center of the table so that we could serve ourselves, family style. Josh went over to the side table to get water for his morning tea. 

"Coffee?" he asked, kissing my cheek as he stood. 

"Please," I answered, turning to find everyone else staring at us, mostly grinning. "What?" 

"Nothing," Justin said quickly, looking down. He didn't look as pained as he usually did when Josh and I kissed or touched. Maybe Lance was doing him some good. 

"Haven't you guys kissed enough yet?" Joey asked. 

"Never enough," Josh said from the side table. 

"At least that's what Jack's neck says," Chris said, giggling. 

"Hey!" I said, blushing. 

"There's nothing wrong with it," Lance said, smiling at me. "It means they're happy." 

"Thanks, Lance," I said, smiling back at him as Josh sat back down, sliding a cup in front of me. "We are happy." 

"Looks like you got attacked by a vampire," Chris said, giggling. I was starting to blush. "I mean, geez, Jack, you're marked for life." 

Justin's chair scraped back suddenly, and he hurried toward the door. 

"Justin?" Josh asked, turning in his chair. 

"Be right back," Justin said quickly, slipping out. He was white, his eyes wide, and I wondered what was going on. Lance stood hurriedly. 

"Lance?" Chris asked, starting to stand as well. Lance threw Chris a look that nailed him back into his seat. "Justin?" 

"Leave it alone," Lance said through gritted teeth, the words pouring out like liquid nitrogen. I'd never heard Lance take that tone with anyone before, and I was even more surprised when he turned back to Josh and I, and his face shifted back to his usual easygoing geniality. "We'll be right back." 

We all stared at the door in silence, and then looked around uneasily at each other. Vlada was glaring at Chris, blaming him, even though he hadn't seemed to say anything out of the ordinary. 

"What?" Chris asked her. "What did I say?" 

"I don't know," she answered crossly. "But it vas bad." 

"Should one of us go after them?" I asked. 

"Why?" Josh asked, looking sadly at me. "They won't talk to anyone but each other." 

I squeezed his hand and wondered what else I could say, besides that he was right. Justin and Lance wouldn't cry in front of us, wouldn't be bothered in front of us, and wouldn't even talk in front of us. The two of them had decided to build a wall around themselves, and the rest of us were just peeking over the edges. Based on the way they'd acted over the past few days, Josh, Vlada, and I were all on the ally side. Joey was still Lance's friend, but Justin wouldn't even look at him. Chris also seemed to be ok in Lance's book, but Justin hadn't said more than a word or two to him, either. Part of me wanted to go after them, but part of me also wanted to give them their own space, and I figured Josh was having the same confusion. 

"So, um, where are you guys going on the honeymoon?" Carla asked, trying to break the tension and change the subject. 

"We're starting out in Baltimore, and then DC," Josh answered. 

"Why there?" Carla asked. Everyone else knew, of course. 

"I was born in Washington, and I grew up in Bowie before we moved to Orlando," Josh answered, spooning out some eggs. "I want to show Jack some of where I came from." 

"That's not the whole trip, is it?" Chris asked, and Vlada shot him another look. He was just putting his foot in his mouth left and right today, and he began trying to dig his way back out. "I mean, that's a really long time to spend there, not that there's not enough to do." 

Justin stepped back in, followed closely by Lance, who had his hand on Justin's arm, guiding him, and the two of them returned to their seats as Josh began to answer. We all pretended they hadn't left, not knowing what else to do. 

"We're not staying there the whole time," Josh said, patting my hand. I knew that he wanted to leave how much we shared up to me, since it was my life. 

"After Washington we're flying to Denver," I said, squeezing Josh's hand quickly before picking up my bagel again. 

"What's in Denver?" Joey asked. 

"Those kids from 'South Park'?" Chris suggested. 

"Bears?" Joey added. 

"Snow?" Chris continued. 

"I've been there," Lance interjected. "It's not that bad, you guys." 

"Zo vat are you doing zere?" Vlada asked, turning toward us, ignoring the peanut gallery that Lance was trying to derail. "Do you zki?" 

"It's the wrong season for skiing," Justin said softly, shaking his head at her. 

"We're going to look for my family," I said bluntly. 

"Jack, um, your family lives in Ohio," Carla said. They were all looking at us kind of oddly, and I could tell they were confused. 

"Not all of them," I said. I could tell they were still lost, and Josh curled an arm around my shoulders as I began to explain, hugging me against his side. "Remember when Josh and I went to see my mother? Well, we, um, we found something out about her, and me. I'm not, um, I'm not who I thought I was. I'm adopted." 

Dead silence greeted this. They had roughly the same expressions of surprise that would have greeted my vomiting a cat onto the breakfast table. Josh kissed my cheek. 

"Guys?" he said, holding me tightly. My heart was pounding in my chest, waiting to hear what they would say. It seemed odd, but I hadn't been this nervous when Josh came out to the guys. I couldn't think of a single reason why they would treat me any differently, but I was still a little afraid that they would. "You can say something any time now." 

"I don't know what to say," Joey said. "I mean, I don't really want to apologize, but you know, I don't think congratulations works, either." 

"Are you ok?" Lance asked me. I let out a grateful exhale. 

"Yeah, I'm ok," I said, smiling as Josh patted my back and went back to his breakfast. He was watching me out of the corner of his eye, but giving me a little room. 

"Evelyn told you this?" Carla asked incredulously. "She told you this now? There wasn't ever a better time, you know, like years ago?" 

"She wasn't going to tell me at all," I said, picking at my plate, pushing things around with my fork, but not really eating anything. "I kind of overheard her telling Josh." 

"Wow," Chris said, shaking his head. "I can't believe they never told you that. What the hell is the matter with them?" 

"Chrees!" Vlada hissed at him. Boy, he couldn't say anything right today. 

"I don't really want to talk about that," I said, looking away. Josh hugged me against him again. 

"It's ok, babe," he sighed. 

"Do you know where they live?" Justin asked. "Or maybe should you call them or something? I mean, I don't want to ask if you don't want to talk about it. I've just, you know, I don't know anyone who's adopted." 

"No, Justin, it's ok," I said quickly. I was so happy to see him pulled out of his shell a little that I would have answered anything he asked at that point. "I've never been adopted before, so I've got a lot of questions, too." 

Justin offered a small smile to mine, and Josh's hand squeezed my leg under the table. He caught it, too. 

"We don't know anything about them, Juju," Josh said. 

"We have the town, the date, and the name of the hospital," I said, thinking of the paperwork. "And the name and address of the lawyer who handled the adoption. So we're going to go look for him, and see what he can tell me." 

"Are you sure that's wise?" Carla asked. "I mean, not to rain on the parade, but what if they're not exactly happy to see you? Have you thought about that?" 

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," I said, noticing that Chris and Lance both shot Carla stern looks. The guys were still more or less in the habit of tiptoeing around me, afraid of doing anything to upset me, but Carla would never treat me with kid gloves, and I loved her for it. 

The rest of breakfast passed in easy chatter, trading stories from the reception and discussing everyone else's plans for the next couple of weeks. Joey wanted to go see Brianna again. Vlada was going to do a couple of shows in New York, and Chris was going to go with her, and work on some business for his clothing line while he was there. Justin and Lance were going to, in their words, "take a break" from everything, and we all knew but didn't say that it would include some therapy, although a couple weeks wouldn't be enough. Once we were all back the guys were filming a video, and then going into rehearsals for their tour. The album they'd been recording when I first flew out to see Josh and meet them all was ready, with a few changes and additions, and they were putting it out right before the tour. 

After we all finished eating they began to awkwardly say goodbye and wish us luck. Justin and Lance were the last to go. 

"Please call if you need us, " Josh said to Justin, hugging him as I hugged Lance. 

"We will," Lance said as he and Justin switched places. Justin hugged me tightly. 

"Congratulations, Jack," he said, his eyes watering. I could tell that he meant it, really and sincerely, and my own eyes watered, too. 

"Promise me you guys will be ok," I said, holding onto him. 

"We will be," Justin said. 

"We'll take care of each other," Lance added, taking Justin's arm and leading him away. 

They walked out the doors, and I watched them drift off down the hall. Josh came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my chest as he pulled me back against him, and laid his head on my shoulder. 

"You ready?" he asked. 

"Yeah," I answered. "Let's go see Lisann and then get the hell out of here." 

 

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