JC's Hitchhiker

 

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CHAPTER 86

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JUSTIN'S POV: 

We had breakfast the next day, all of us as a group, but really we were just going through the motions. Josh and Jack weren't there to tie us together, and for some reason Lance didn't show up, either. Howie, sitting across from Nick in a pair of trunks, told us that Lance wasn't feeling well, and I felt worried when I saw him quickly downplay Joey's suggestion that they drop in to check on him later. 

"I'm sure he'll be fine," Howie said, glancing down at their end of the table. We were at a long rectangular table today, instead of the usual round one, and Chris and Joey were at the far end. Vlada sat next to Chris, but then there was a space on both sides of the table, followed by me and then Nick on my side and another space and then Howie on the opposite side. No one really seemed to notice that Howie was sitting down by the two of us, and none of us were fighting. "It's just, you know, something he ate." 

"Oh, ick," Joey said, turning back to the conversation he was having with Chris about renting some jet skis today. Vlada looked at me for a second, her face thoughtful, and then went back to the menu. 

My phone rang, and it was Lisann, calling to talk about the rest of our day and the things we needed to get together to talk about. There was a brunch the morning of the wedding, because most of the guests would be here then, and then the rehearsal dinner, and final arrangements had to be made for all of that. There were questions of whether we wanted music for those, and flowers, and Josh and Jack hadn't left specific instructions on some of the points. As I was setting up a meeting time with Lisann, and listening carefully to the list of things she wanted me to bring, I felt Nick's leg brush mine, but thought nothing of it. When I glanced up, though, I saw that Howie's face was sweaty, his mouth open a little, and his eyes were locked on Nick's. Nick's leg, next to me, was stretched across underneath the table, and I could feel his thigh flexing as he rotated it, massaging Howie's crotch with his foot, right there at breakfast. 

Almost dropping the phone, I looked away quickly, stunned that Nick would be so brazen. Then again, I had told him to get caught, but still. Down at the other end of the table, Chris and Joey were completely engrossed in their jet ski discussion, looking at a brochure from inside as they argued which of the two places they wanted to rent them from and whether or not the rate was reasonable for a day. Vlada had called one of the waitresses over and was discussing something on the menu with her, with much pointing and the waitress struggling to understand what exactly Vlada was asking. Nobody seemed to notice Howie and Nick, watching each other, Nick's lips curled almost in a leer, Howie's mouth dropping open as he began to shift in his chair a little. I pulled out the notebook from my bag and began to write things down, pretending I didn't notice either. 

Howie's chair scraped back as he stood, holding his bunched towel in front of him, and I felt Nick's lightly haired calf brush mine as his leg dropped back down. 

"Excuse me," Howie said, his voice a little light. "I have to go to the bathroom." 

Nobody really seemed to take much notice, and Nick turned to me, grinning. He leaned over, and I felt his mouth right up against my ear, his lips brushing it as his breath fluttered over my cheek. 

"There's an invitation if I ever heard one," Nick sighed. "Be right back." 

Nick left the table, too, as I sat there writing down all of the things that Lisann had explained over the phone. I needed to go to Josh and Jack's cottage and get some of Jack's notes, because Lisann needed to confirm a few things. I wanted them to have flowers at both of the extra meals, and decided that I would pay for them, because I wanted their wedding to be perfect, and I knew that Jack must be having a minor hemorrhage over the money spent already. It was nice to know he wasn't some gold digger out to spend everything Josh had, but it wouldn't kill him to let loose once in a while, and live a little. What was the point of having money if you didn't spend it? I realized that several minutes had gone by, and Nick and Howie still hadn't returned to the table. No one else seemed to notice, though, and I got up and walked toward the bathrooms, figuring they went to the ones around the side of the pool, because no one was over there at this time of the day. 

I couldn't believe they were in the bathroom, after the screeching and crying Howie had put up the other night about Nick and I being in the one at the club, but then I realized this was exactly the kind of rub it in your face irony that Nick would get off on. Sure enough, as I approached the door I could hear them through it. 

"You like that?" Nick panted, and I could hear Howie sighing sharply. "You like that? You like getting fucked by a real man, Howie? You like having my big fat cock all the way up your ass?" 

Howie didn't have to answer. His moans did for him. I pushed the door open a little, being careful not to let it squeak, and as I looked through the crack, there they were. Howie was sitting up on the counter where the sinks were, his eyes closed as his body strained beneath Nick. Nick was half crouched in front of Howie, his trunks pulled down to his knees, one of Howie's legs curled around his waist, and his thighs and ass flexed as he pounded into Howie, each thrust bringing another sharp yelp. Howie's hands raked up and down Nick's back, urging him forward, his fingers leaving red marks, and Nick's arms were rigid pillars of muscle as he braced himself against the mirror, grinning at himself. Nick's bright blue eyes caught mine in the glass, and he winked at me. Stepping back, I let the door close. Turning around, trying to figure out how to get them caught and get this all over with, my heart skipped as I saw Joey and Lance walking toward me. 

"Have you seen Howie?" Joey demanded, sneering at me. 

"I think he's in the bathroom," I said, cringing inside as I heard the words spilling out of my mouth. I reminded myself that this was the best plan I had, and that I was trying to help Lance. The two of them turned and began walking back toward the restaurant terrace. "He might need some help, or some company." 

"The bathroom's really more your scene, Justin," Joey snapped. Lance wouldn't look at me at all. I cursed inwardly as they walked away, and gave up on this particular opportunity, unable to think of a way to get them to go in there other than blurting out, "He's in the bathroom with Nick, fucking!" 

I followed them back to the table, watching Joey direct Lance to the empty seat next to Howie's. I settled into mine and nodded to Lance, but he looked away. He didn't look well this morning, and was moving carefully, holding himself stiffly in the chair. I wondered if he really was sick, or if something else was wrong. When Howie came back, he kissed Lance hello, draping an arm over his shoulders. I felt my head spin. Howie seemed so loving, his touch on Lance gentle and kind, and he seemed so concerned with the way Lance was feeling as he ordered breakfast for him, telling him what to get. How could he act so loving, and still treat Lance like that behind closed doors? He couldn't possibly really care about Lance. If he did, he wouldn't do that, but if he didn't, how could he act like he did? Now wonder Lance couldn't sort it out. I couldn't do it, and I wasn't in love with Howie, like he was. 

Nick slid into his chair next to me, looking pretty satisfied. He caught Howie's eye, winking, and Howie looked away, flushing a little. 

"Good morning, Lance," Nick said, smiling at him. Conversation at the other end of the table jerked to a halt. "Howie said you weren't feeling well. Are you ok?" 

"I'm fine," Lance answered quietly, leaning in toward Howie as Howie pressed a hand to Lance's side. I saw Lance's smile tighten a little and I almost vomited, realizing that Howie was pressing on a bruise to keep Lance from saying anything. "I'm sorry if anyone worried about me." 

I couldn't speak. This was monstrous. 

"How about you, Howie?" Nick asked, smiling, unaware of what was happening right across from him. "How are you feeling today?" 

"Fine," Howie answered, grinning at Nick. "Pretty good, actually." 

"Good to hear," Nick said, the two of them staring at each other as Lance looked down at his plate. 

"I have to go get ready for my meeting," I blurted, jumping up from my seat. I couldn't stay for this. I knew it was my plan, but how could I ever have thought it was a good idea? This was just a giant mess, and I couldn't believe that no one else at the table saw anything. Nick followed me down the sidewalk. 

"What is your problem, man?" he asked. "Everything's going the way you wanted it to." 

"Why are you needling Lance?" I blurted. "I didn't ask you to hurt him. Why do you have to be so mean?" 

"You didn't ask me to hurt him?" Nick asked, blinking. "You asked me to break up him and his boyfriend. I'm not really sure how that isn't hurting him, but hey, it's your logic. Look, Justin, we're in too fucking deep for you to go weak on me now, so you better just swallow this and shut your mouth. You're gonna get what you want, and I'm gonna get what I want, and everyone is gonna be happy, ok?" 

"Don't you care at all?" I asked, staring at him. 

"No, I don't," he answered. "Neither should you. Somehow you think you're doing this because Lance is your friend, don't you? You think something's wrong with Howie, and you've decided that you're going to help your friend, because you care about him, and he cares about you. You think those people are your friends, Justin? You think they're your brothers? All they do is shit on you, and tell you to like it. You need to care a little more about yourself, Justin, and to hell with the rest of these people." 

Nick stalked off, and I walked slowly to Josh and Jack's cottage, fingering the key they'd left me. I pushed open the door, and felt a stab as I inhaled, smelling Josh's cologne. I walked over to the closet, running my hands down the sleeves of Josh's shirts, and sat down on the bed. Leaning over, I could smell Josh on the pillows, and I pressed one to my face, not really thinking about it. I didn't realize that I was crying until I pulled the pillow away, and saw that the case was wet. This was where Josh slept. This was where Josh lived, and where Josh was happy, without me. On the dresser, across from me, there was a framed picture of Josh and Jack, taken at Josh's parents' house in the porch swing. Josh was smiling, and Jack, also grinning, was leaning back against him. I stared at the picture, and then wiped my eyes and set the frame back down. No more of this. It wasn't fair to Josh, and it wasn't fair to me. 

After my meeting with Lisann, I returned Jack's notebooks to the table where he kept everything, doing my best to put it back in exactly the right place. I checked off the things I had taken care of on his master list, and smiled, thinking that maybe, finally, I actually was helping them. I was being their friend, and I didn't care about what Nick said. They were my friends, they did want what was best for me, and Nick couldn't see that because he didn't know what a friend was. I realized that not only did Nick not care about anyone else, but he probably didn't even care about himself, either. The sooner I was done with him, the better. I thought about hanging out at Jack and Josh's for a while, since I had to go pick them up at the airport right after lunch, but realized it was just another way to try to hold onto Josh, to try to intrude where I didn't belong, so I went to go lay out on the beach. I didn't know where anyone else was, but I had a few magazines, and thought I'd kill some time. 

I wasn't alone for very long when a shadow fell across my chest. Looking up, I saw Vlada smiling down at me. She was in another one of those swimsuit and matching hat outfits, like something Betty Page might wear to the beach, and I wondered if she had an endless supply of them. She spread a blanket, also matching, out next to my towel, and sat down on it primly. 

"Hello zere," she said. 

"Hi," I said uncertainly. "Where is everybody?" 

"Crees and Joey vent out on zose sings," she said, waving toward the jet ski concession. Looking out over the water, I could see them kind of far out, away from the swimming areas. "Ze beach ees nice, but ze vater dries zee skin." 

"I understand," I said, grinning. 

We sat next to each other in silence for a few minutes. I didn't know Vlada very well, but she had always seemed nice, and I knew that Jack thought the world of her. He was usually a good judge of character, so I thought it would be safe to trust his instincts. As long as she was nice to me, I was willing to be nice to her. She flipped through one of my magazines for a while, as I flipped through the other, and I figured that maybe she had just come over because she was lonely, too. If you didn't really know anyone else, you gravitated toward people you were at least acquainted with. 

"Yustin?" she asked suddenly, and I looked over at her. "Yustin, zees may not be zomezing for me to ask, but are you, are you o-k?" 

"Yeah," I answered, smiling, but feeling a little caught off guard. "Why do you ask?" 

"You zeem very zad to me, Yustin," she answered. "I vorry about you. I know zee boys are angry, but zey vill get over it." 

I sighed. 

"It's not just that, Vlada, but thank you," I said, smiling. It was nice of her to try to help me. 

"Zometimes it ees better to talk about it," she said, shrugging. "I know ve do not know each other vell, zo I vill unterstand, but you zshould speak viz a friend, Yustin. You zshould call zome vun who can help you, zo you vill not be zo zad." 

"What if there isn't anyone you can call?" I asked. 

"No vun?" she asked, tilting her head to the side. I couldn't see her eyes behind the large Jackie O sunglasses she was wearing, but her face looked sad. 

"Vlada, did you ever have a secret?" I asked. I wasn't going to tell her, but I had to know. I had to get someone's perspective on this, and she seemed so caring and safe. "Something you couldn't tell anyone?" 

Vlada sighed, and took off her sunglasses. Her eyes were wide and green, and stared at me thoughtfully. They had a little catlike slant to them, and I noticed that she emphasized that a little with careful makeup. It was a very good job, but when you'd been groomed for as many photo shoots as I had you noticed stuff like that. 

"Promiz not to tell any vun?" she asked, and I nodded. She smiled. "I'm from Missouri." 

"What?" I blurted. Her accent was gone, completely gone. 

"I'm from Missouri, Justin," she answered, grinning. My face must have been priceless, because she laughed, throwing back her head. I could see what Chris saw in her suddenly. She wasn't just beautiful. She was happy to be alive. "I'm not from Eastern Europe. I went to Europe for the first time when I was nineteen, on a shoot. Before I went to New York I hadn't ever even seen the ocean." 

"But why?" I asked. She was lying to everyone? 

"Justin, in the modeling industry, it's as much about the package as it is about the way you look," she answered. "You know that, because it's the same for you guys. There has to be a story, something extra, and my agent knew that. I was pretty, but I was from Missouri, and, even worse, I was toting around the name 'Vlada Slotnik' and didn't even have the good grace to actually be foreign. It's a family name, and my parents hung it on me without a second thought. So my agent and I talked about it, and Vlada who got on a bus in Missouri got put away. Instead, Vlada, rags to riches discovery, spotted on the street while my agent was on vacation, was born." 

"I can't believe this," I said, smiling at her. She grinned at me. "Does Chris know?" 

"Oh, yeah," she answered. "He thinks it's funny to hear me talking with this accent." 

"But why do you?" I asked. 

"Because this is who I am now," she answered, shrugging. "If I break character, even for my friends, it becomes that much easier to slip. Someone might hear, or say something, and think how bad that would be." 

"But you broke character for me," I pointed out. 

"Like I said, Justin, I'm worried about you," she said. "I don't know you extremely well, but I know you well enough to know you'll keep this, too. You needed to hear something, and I wanted to prove a point. There is a time for secrets, Justin, but there's also a time for telling them. Whatever's bothering you right now, and I know it's not just the wedding, find someone to let it out to, ok? Don't carry it alone." 

I watched her as she gathered her things and put her sunglasses back on. Further down the beach, Chris and Joey were bringing their machines back in, and I figured Vlada was going to join them. 

"Vlada?" I asked. She looked at me. "Thanks." 

"Ees no problem, Yustin," she answered, winking at me. 

I watched her walk away, and thought about how she was probably right. I couldn't hold this inside of me. I needed to tell someone, and it should probably be the person I trusted most in the world. Josh would know what to do. He was smart, and he would know how to help Lance, or else Jack would. The three of us together would be able to find a way out of this, a way other than my plan, which was looking more and more like a horrible disaster with every second that went by. When I picked the two of them up at the airport, though, I saw that I couldn't tell them, couldn't add this to the stress they were already under. 

The two of them walked quietly down the ramp, Jack leaning on Josh, and Josh had an arm thrown protectively around his shoulders. Even though it was almost the same thing I'd seen Howie do earlier with Lance, the intent was obviously and completely different here. Howie was smothering Lance, crushing him, but Josh was cradling Jack, sheltering him. I could see that they both looked tired, but Jack looked worse than that. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he just looked drained. He smiled as I hugged them both hello, but I could see that he was strained. 

"Hey," I said, hugging Josh. "Welcome back." 

"Thanks for coming to get us, " Josh said. He sounded tired. 

"Hi," I said, turning to Jack. He held out his arms, so I hugged him as well. "How was your trip?" 

"Hard, Justin," he answered quietly, squeezing me tighter before letting go. "Very hard. I don't want to talk about it right now, ok?" 

"Yeah," I said, watching him step over to Josh. Josh wrapped Jack up in a tight hug. 

"It's ok, Jack," Josh said quietly, holding him. "Justin and I are gonna take you home now, ok?" 

"OK," Jack answered quietly. I knew he didn't get along with his family, but he looked terrible. I couldn't add to this. 

Jack asked me a few questions about the wedding stuff as we went over to collect their bags, and I filled him in on everything that I had taken care of while he was gone. I explained where I had left all of the notes, and reminded both of them that we still had that menu tasting in the ballroom tomorrow. The two of them thanked me profusely, and they really did seem to mean it, but I could tell they were distracted. Jack was brooding over something, and Josh was focused on being there for him, and supporting him. I couldn't distract Josh from that, not if Jack needed him. They didn't really speak in the car, so I didn't, either. Jack sat against Josh, staring out the window, and Josh absently stroked his hair, brushing it off of his forehead. When we got back to the bungalow, Jack hugged me, thanking me again, and promised to see me in the morning. Josh and I stood on the step for a minute after Jack went inside. 

"Thank you, again, Justin," Josh said, his face looking kind of sad. 

"He's not ok, is he?" I asked, nodding toward the door. "Can I do anything for you guys?" 

"No, no," Josh said, his hand on my shoulder. "Justin, it means a lot to me that you're trying so hard. Not having to worry about you is taking a big weight off of my mind. I know that sounds kind of mean, but I'm glad you're starting to be ok, because Jack really needs me right now. It wasn't a good trip." 

"His family?" I asked. Josh nodded. 

"It's worse there than we ever thought, Justin," Josh said, shaking his head. I could see that he was upset, but I expected him to be. He hurt when Jack did. It was part of their bond. "Everyone was mean to him, not just his family, but everyone we saw. He tried so hard to be strong, but he had nightmares, and he even had another attack. He's worn out, Justin. He keeps trying to act like he's ok, but I can tell. There's just a lot to process, for both of us." 

"I'm sorry, Josh," I said, shaking my head. Why couldn't the two of them just be happy? They deserved to be, even if I did wish things were different. 

"Thank you, Justin," Josh said, hugging me. I felt his arms pressing into my back, squeezing me tightly, and I remembered those days when we were happy. "Justin, I know it hurts you to see me with Jack, and I know it hurts you to be around us, but thank you for trying. I love you, Justin, too much to lose you." 

"I love you, too, Josh," I answered. "Now go take care of him, ok? I'll see you guys in the ballroom in the morning. Good night." 

"Good night," Josh said, going inside. 

As I was parking the car my cell phone rang. 

"Hello?" I asked. 

"It's me," Nick said. "Don't come home until I call you again, ok?" 

"Sure," I sighed, locking my car and starting to walk back up from the parking area. 

I looked around, seeing that it was starting to get dark, and tried to decide what I should do. I had gotten dressed to go to the airport, so I couldn't go to the pool, since my suit was in my cottage. I didn't really feel like going out, and decided to just take a walk, thinking that it might help clear my head a little. I really wanted to think of something I could do for Jack, but maybe just making sure Josh's focus wasn't split was enough. I hoped again that Jack knew exactly how special Josh was, and how lucky he was to have him. As I walked toward the cottages, I heard yelling, and realized I was close to Howie and Lance's. Not again, I thought, shaking my head. Please, not again. Their windows were open again, and I peeked in just in time to see Howie punch Lance in the stomach. 

"I told you last night, it doesn't matter where I'm going," Howie said, standing over him. 

Lance was doubled over at Howie's feet, holding on to the side of a chair while he held his stomach with his other hand. His face was bright red, and tears were streaming down his face. 

"I'm sorry," Lance wheezed, not looking up at him. 

"You better be," Howie hissed, dropping down so that he was right next to Lance's face. "I don't even know why I stay with you, Lance. Every day I try to show you how much I care about you, and every day you just do something else to make me mad. Some days I feel like you don't care about me at all. If you really loved me, you wouldn't make me do this to you." 

"I'm sorry," Lance whispered again as Howie stalked away toward the front door. I ducked around the side of the house, and then watched as Howie walked off, heading toward my cottage. Once he was gone, I opened the front door and stepped inside. Lance looked up from where he was sobbing, on his knees, and backed away in fear, his wide green eyes darting toward the door. "Justin!" 

"Lance, Lance it's ok," I said, holding up my hands. "Lance, he won't catch me here. I just want to make sure you're ok." 

"Why are you here?" Lance asked, sobbing still. I walked closer to him, and he didn't move away. If he hadn't been so upset already, if he hadn't been so weak right at that moment, he might have sent me away again, but now I could see that he needed someone, and I wanted to be that person. 

"I'm here for you, Lance," I said, holding out my arms to him. Lance collapsed into them, sobbing against my chest. I was afraid to hug him, not knowing where the bruises were. 

"He loves me, Justin," Lance cried into my shirt. "He used to show me, all the time, and I know he still loves me. He just gets, he gets so angry. I make him angry, and he has to, has to correct me. That's all. He loves me." 

"Oh, Lance," I sighed, feeling a tear trickle down my cheek, too. "Lance, how did this happen to you?" 

"It started the day he found out about you," Lance said quietly. We sat on the floor, him still pressed against me as I stroked the back of his head with my hand. "After you guys left the house, we were talking about everything, and he was still so upset, and he hit me. He slapped me across the face, and I was so surprised that I slapped him back. He got pissed, and he started to hit me, over and over, until I couldn't hit him back anymore. He saw me on the floor, and he looked, he just looked horrified. He cleaned me up, telling me over and over how sorry he was, and how it would never happen again. I was bleeding, Justin, and I hurt so bad, but I believed him, because he never hurt me. He promised it wouldn't happen again, and I believed him." 

I couldn't believe it had been going on for so long, and none of us had noticed. What kind of friends were we? 

"He took me away for that trip, until the bruises faded, and then he was so nice," Lance continued. "He bought me things, and took care of me, and I thought it really was a one time thing. Then a couple weeks later we were arguing about something else, and I said something, and he just hit me. Then he hit me again. He told me afterward he was sorry, and told me how much he loved me, and I realized it was my fault. He wouldn't keep hitting me if I didn't make him so angry, but now it seems like everything I do makes him angry, Justin. I know he loves me, but it hurts so much. I want things to go back the way they were, and I keep trying to be what he wants, so that they will, but it's not working. He loves me, but I can't make him happy." 

"He doesn't love you, Lance, " I said, shaking my head. "Nothing you do is ever going to satisfy him, Lance. He doesn't love you, or he wouldn't hit you." 

Lance pulled back slowly, staring up at me. His face was so conflicted, so full of pain. He wanted to believe me, but he also believed Howie. I swallowed hard, knowing what I had to do. 

"No, he loves me," Lance said, shaking his head. 

"He doesn't, Lance," I said, shaking mine as well. "Lance, I can prove it." 

"What?" Lance asked, blinking at me. Now he looked afraid. 

"I can prove he doesn't love you," I said. "It'll hurt you to see it, but I can prove that it's true. Do you want me to?" 

Lance swallowed, staring at me. 

"OK," he said quietly. 

I realized that Lance already knew. He didn't know who, or where, but I realized that he knew Howie was cheating on him, and just wouldn't admit it to himself. That's why I didn't have to argue too much. I took his hand, and we walked out of the cottage. 

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CHAPTER 87

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JUSTIN'S POV: 

As I walked down the sidewalk with Lance I began to think about this again, and I prayed this was the right thing to do. Lance was weak right now, but he was also doubting Howie. If I showed him Howie and Nick right now, this would work, but it would also hurt him very badly. There was nothing else we could do, though. I stopped in front of my bungalow, and we could already here the noises from inside, the moans and the yelling, and tears began to spill down Lance's cheeks. Suddenly I didn't want to do this, not to my friend. Maybe him hearing it, and me just telling him, would be enough. 

"Lance, we don't have to do this," I said suddenly, watching him crumble in front of me. I wanted to help him, not destroy him. "We can go back to your cottage right now. You don't have to see this, Lance." 

"Yes I do," he answered coldly, and when he looked up at me I could see something else in his eyes, some last shred of pride. Howie hadn't broken him yet, not the way I had before. Lance jerked open the front door and I followed him inside, my eyes darting around as I realized that they were in the bedroom. Lance walked slowly toward the door, barely lifting his feet, knowing what he would find. 

"Harder!" I heard Nick moan. He was really throwing himself into this. I remembered that Howie was kind of quiet, and Nick could be a talker if you didn't tell him to shut up. "Fuck me, Howie! Fuck me! Harder!" 

Howie was moaning in time to the bed squeaks, and Lance stood in the doorway of the bedroom, staring in and shaking his head as tears continued to stream down his cheeks. I walked close enough to be able to glimpse them over his shoulder, Howie on top of Nick's back in the bed, Nick grinning as Howie's hips drove forward, the two of them a sweaty tangle of arms and muscles and legs. Lance let out a sob, and both their heads jerked toward him, Howie's eyes bulging in surprise as Nick burst out laughing. I couldn't believe Nick could be so cruel, but his laughter rolled out of the bedroom toward Lance, who turned and began to stumble toward the door, a hand up at his eyes. Howie came flying out of the bedroom, grabbing Lance's arm. He didn't even seem to notice I was there. 

"Lance! Lance, I," Howie began, looking panicked. Maybe he really did love Lance, in a way. 

"I thought you loved me," Lance said quietly. Tears were still streaming down his face, but his voice was firm. "I trusted you. I thought you loved me." 

"Lance, I," Howie began again, and then I saw his face twist as his voice dropped. "I thought I told you to stay home." 

Howie's hand curled into a fist as Lance cringed against the wall, and I grabbed Howie's shoulder and spun him away, stepping between him and Lance. Howie glared at me as Nick stood casually in the bedroom doorway in his boxers, watching everything. 

"What the fuck?" Howie snapped. 

"Leave," I said simply, blocking Lance with my body. "Leave now, Howie. Pack everything and get out, and go to Lance's house and take all your shit from there, too. I know what you've been doing to him, Howie. Just go." 

Howie glared at Lance behind me. 

"Oh, so Justin's going to save you?" Howie sneered, his voice rising. Lance began to sob. "Nobody's ever going to want you, Lance. Nobody's ever going to love you like I do." 

"Shut up!" I snapped. 

"Here're your clothes," Nick said, handing Howie a bundle. Howie glared at him, realizing this was a set up, but Nick just patted Howie on the head. "You were great." 

"I mean it, Howie," I said as Lance slid down the wall behind me, curling up into a ball on the floor. Nick stared at him distastefully. "Leave Lance alone. Just go." 

"It's not too late, Lance," Howie said suddenly, the anger draining out of him, as his eyes began to water. I could see that there still was something there, something left from their early days, a little shred of the Howie that Lance fell in love with. "I still love you, Lance." 

Lance looked up at Howie from the floor, his green eyes red around the edges, his face pained. 

"Get out," Lance said quietly. 

Howie turned, naked, carrying his clothes in a bundle in front of him, and walked out the door. Good thing it was dark out. He could pull his pants on out on the step. Nick closed the door behind him with a little wave, and I dropped down to the floor where Lance was huddled. He threw his arms around my shoulders, sobbing loudly now, racking, crushing sobs that made it hard for him to breathe. I slowly pulled him to his feet as he cried against my chest. Nick just stared at us, his mouth turned up a little at the corners. 

"Lance, I'm gonna take you over to Joey's ok?" I asked. Lance nodded, unable to answer. "We'll take care of you, Lance." 

"You're coming back after you drop him off, right?" Nick asked, stepping out of the way so we could get to the door. I stared at him, feeling anger and disgust well up inside me again. I couldn't believe that after he watched that, all he could think about was fucking me. "Don't worry. I'll wait up." 

"Could you call Chris, and Josh, and tell them to meet us at Joey's?" I asked, my mouth dry. I didn't even want to think about coming back here. I didn't want Nick anywhere near me. 

"Sure," he said, walking over to the phone. "Have a good time with the guys." 

I could understand now how Howie could beat Lance. I wanted to pick up a chair and break it over Nick. Every time he spoke Lance just cried that much harder, and I realized that it wasn't the words. It was Nick's tone, so casual, as if this were just a minor inconvenience, a button popping off of a shirt. He stood there smugly in his boxers, looking perfect, a little flushed and sweaty, his prick pushing against the front of his shorts as he waited for his prize later. He saw me looking at him, and dropped a hand down to his crotch, grabbing it as he leered at me. I turned away, revolted by him, by the idea that someone could be so beautiful on the outside, and so dead inside. It would be like getting fucked by a corpse. 

Lance was still sobbing as we knocked on Joey's door, and I kept an arm around his shoulders, telling him I was sorry as he just cried helplessly against me. I heard Chris and Vlada walking up the sidewalk behind us, Vlada's shoes tapping loudly and Chris scurrying along to keep up with her longer legs. Behind them, half shadowed in the lights down by the ground, I could see Josh and Jack holding hands, walking a little more slowly. I wondered if I'd woken them, as Jack had seemed pretty tired. Joey opened the door, looking a little annoyed, but it faded as soon as Lance grabbed him, wailing. Joey looked up at me over Lance's shoulder, his eyes wide and confused. 

"Lance?" he asked, looking at me. I motioned toward the living room. 

"We should probably go inside," I said sadly. "It's going to be a long night, I think." 

Joey walked Lance over to a couch as Lance tried to catch his breath enough to speak, but now that he was away from Howie, and everything was starting to sink in, he was just getting more and more upset. I held the door for Chris and Vlada, and then for Josh and Jack. All four of them stood uncertainly in the living room, looking at Joey and Lance. Josh grabbed a box of tissues off of the coffee table and sat down on Lance's other side, handing them to him one by one as Chris went to Joey's refrigerator for some water. Vlada sat down in one of the chairs, waiting to see what was going on, since no one seemed to know, and Jack walked over to me. He looked a little better, but his hair was messy, so I figured that I was right earlier when I thought I woke them. He and Josh didn't have that blissful post sex look. 

"Justin, what's going on?" Jack asked, and everyone else glanced at me as well, except for Lance, who kept sobbing against Joey's chest. "We got this phone call from Nick that said to come meet you and Lance over here." 

"What did you do to him?" Joey asked angrily. 

"Nothing!" I said, holding up my hands. "Nothing! Lance?" 

Lance looked up, blotting at his eyes with tissues as everyone else looked on anxiously. 

"Not, not Justin," he sobbed. "Howie, Howie, and, Nick, they." 

"Lance, calm down," Josh said, rubbing his shoulder. He must have gotten really good at consoling the hysterical over the past few weeks. "Calm down and take a deep breath. You're ok here, Lance. You're with us." 

"Vere ees Howvie?" Vlada asked, looking around. 

"Good question," Jack said, nodding at her. "Justin? Lance?" 

I looked at Lance, whose face was crumpling up again as he thought about what he'd just seen. I walked over and took his hand. 

"Lance, do you want to tell them?" I asked quietly, and he shook his head. "Do you want me to tell them?" 

Lance nodded, so I turned to the others as Lance squeezed my hand. 

"Howie's been cheating on Lance with Nick," I said bluntly. "And Lance walked in on them." 

This brought forth a fresh burst of sobbing from Lance as he crushed himself against Joey again, and everyone else looked around uncomfortably. Suddenly Lance found his voice, wailing tearfully. 

"I thought he loved me!" Lance sobbed. Jack walked over to Josh and put a hand on Josh's shoulder, and Josh reached up and took it, looking pained. "I thought he loved me, but he, he was with Nick, and they, they." 

"It's ok, Lance," Joey said, hugging him. Josh had his other hand on Lance's shoulder, and Chris, Jack, and Vlada watched as I leaned on the wall. 

"Justin, where the hell is Nick?" Jack snapped. Chris nodded. 

"Don't get mad at Nick," I said, even though I would like nothing better than for everyone to run him right out of the resort. It would keep me from having to touch him. 

"Why the fuck not?" Chris asked. "You know, Justin, you just know that Howie didn't go after him." 

"Howie hates him," Jack said, looking confused. "None of this makes any sense." 

I swallowed, knowing this wasn't going to go well. 

"I have to tell you guys something," I said quietly, and they all looked up at me, even Lance. "Chris is sort of right. Nick went after Howie, but he, um, he had a reason. He went after Howie because I asked him to." 

Dead silence greeted this. Everyone stared at me, mouths dropping open. I saw Joey getting mad and Chris just looking surprised. Josh squeezed Jack's hand, tears jumping into his eyes, as Jack shook his head at me, as if he couldn't believe it. Vlada watched impassively, one eyebrow arched in curiosity, and Lance looked at me as if I'd just stabbed him. 

"What the fuck did you just say?" Joey snapped, standing. 

"Oh, Justin," Josh said, looking down. He sounded so hurt, too. 

"Justin, I think you need to explain yourself, right now," Jack said quietly, and I could see that even he was pissed. 

"I asked Nick to seduce Howie, and he did it, because, you know, Nick's like that," I said, shrugging. 

"Nick's like that?" Joey asked, stepping toward me. "Nick? What about you?" 

"I had to get Howie and Lance to break up," I said, backing up. Everyone was looking at me, and I realized I was starting to whine a little. "Guys, I know it sounds bad, but if you just let me explain." 

"Explain. Now," Chris said, crossing his arms. I remembered what he'd said before, about me proving him wrong, and I realized I'd hurt him again, too. 

"I couldn't think of any other way to break them up," I said. "I knew that Lance wouldn't ever break up with Howie on his own, so I had to do something to prove to him that Howie didn't love him." 

"Why?" Jack asked. Lance just looked down. I hoped that at least he was thankful for what I'd done. 

"Lance?" I asked. Everyone looked back at him, and he shook his head. "Lance, please. Everyone's mad at me, Lance. Please make them understand." 

"Justin, I can't," Lance said quietly, shaking his head. "I can't tell them that." 

"Yes you can," I said, walking over and kneeling in front of him. "Lance, you're so strong, stronger than you think you are. Tell them. We all want to help." 

Everyone was watching me, watching the dynamic in the room shift again. 

"How could you do this to me?" Lance asked me, not meeting my eyes. "How could you hurt me like this?" 

"I did this for you!" I insisted. "Lance, I did this for you, to help you! Tell them! Please." 

"Stop badgering him!" Joey snapped, grabbing my shoulder. He jerked me away as Lance buried his face in his hands. 

"Lance, tell them," I begged again. "Lance, I'm your friend." 

"Shut up! Leave him alone!" Joey yelled, right up in my face. Spittle flew from his mouth at me, and I flinched. "You're his friend? You don't know what a friend is, Justin! Friends don't do this to each other! Friends don't hurt each other over and over again! We trusted you! We believed you! We thought you'd changed, and we welcomed you back! We watched you move in on JC, and we didn't say anything, because he swore you were different, and so did Lance, and you haven't changed at all!" 

Joey slammed me against the wall, and suddenly Chris and Jack were there, grabbing his arms. 

"Let him go, Joey, you're gonna hurt him," Chris said. 

"Joey, it wasn't like that," Jack began. Joey sneered at him. 

"You don't know what it was like, Jack," Joey snapped. "You weren't there, and I'm sure JC told you a nice story about them just getting closer naturally, but I saw, Jack, I watched. Justin didn't even wait for your spot in the bed to get cold." 

"Joey, stop it now," Josh said, grabbing Jack as he shrank back from Joey, his eyes ticking back over to me. Jack clung to him, looking pale. "What went on between me and Justin is settled between the three of us. It isn't your place to get pissed at Justin over it now." 

"Joey, I did this for Lance, " I said again. Lance continued sobbing into his hands as Vlada, the only one still seated, handed him tissues. 

"Stop saying that!" Joey yelled. "All you've ever done for Lance is hurt him! He's my friend, Justin, my best friend, and I'm not letting you fuck him up again! Do you hear me, Justin? We told you if you ever pulled anything like this again you were done! Done!" 

"Stop it!" Lance burst, and everyone turned. "Howie hurt me." 

"Because of Justin," Joey said, but Lance shook his head. 

"No, before tonight," Lance said, starting to cry again. Joey backed away from me a little, and Jack walked over, touching Lance's shoulder. "Howie, he gets mad, sometimes, and, it's my fault he gets mad, and he, sometimes." 

"No, oh no," Jack said, holding his hand over his mouth. I watched his face. Jack knew, before anyone else here he figured it out. Everyone else just looked stunned, putting it together. "No, Lance, I asked you about that." 

"I lied," Lance said, crying harder now. He reached out, grabbing Jack, and I remembered the bond they shared. Jack had helped him last time I hurt him. "Jack, I'm sorry, I lied to you. I'm sorry." 

"Lance, it's ok," Jack whispered, holding Lance tightly. Josh put a hand on Jack's shoulder, and Jack glanced up at him, drawing his support. I saw that Jack was crying, which meant Josh was, too. 

"Sometimes Howie hits me," Lance said quietly. 

"Where is he?" Chris snapped, stalking toward the door. Joey moved to join him. "I'll fucking kill him." 

"No!" Lance cried, freezing him. 

"He left," I answered. "I told him to leave." 

"Just let him go, please," Lance said. He began to cry again, and Jack hugged him tight. 

"Just let it out, Lance," Jack sighed. "Let it all out. We're here for you, we're all here for you." 

"I vill call for zome rum zervice," Vlada said, reaching for the phone. 

Everyone huddled around Lance now, hugging him, and I walked over, too. Everyone glanced up at me. Joey's face was hard, and Chris didn't look too pleased, either. Josh just looked sad, and Jack was focused on Lance, building up quite a pile of tissues in front of them on the coffee table. I didn't understand why everyone looked so angry. Now they knew why I'd done it, they knew I'd just been helping. 

"Guys?" I asked. "Everything's ok now, right? I mean, not ok, but, you know. You're not mad at me anymore, right?" 

"Wrong," Joey said. "You knew about this, and you didn't tell any of us. You let Lance get hurt, and the best you could do to help him was to hurt him, too? And you expect us to just smile and tell you it's ok? It's not ok, Justin." 

"But, but I was helping," I said. "I couldn't tell you, because you were all so mad at me, and Josh and Jack were stressed out about the wedding, and I didn't want you to think I was just making trouble. I was, I was afraid of pushing Lance closer to Howie, so I came up with this plan, and I helped Lance. I don't understand." 

"That's part of the problem, " Joey said. No one else said anything. "You'll never understand, because you'll never really change. I think you should leave, Justin." 

"But I was helping," I said. 

"You've helped enough," Joey said. "Just go. We'll deal with you tomorrow." 

Again, nobody said anything. I looked at them, going from face to face, but they all looked at the floor, or their hands, or each other. No one would meet my eyes, and I felt like an outsider suddenly. I felt like I had the last time everyone was mad at me, the last time I had hurt Lance, and I wondered if they might be right. Maybe there had been a better way. Maybe I should have told them, no matter how mad at me they were. Josh looked up at me, getting up and walking over, and I felt myself dying inside with every step closer he came to me. 

Josh had that look in his eyes again, that look of disappointment. It was the look I could never tolerate, the look that broke me. His blue eyes were filled with disappointment, sad disappointment, and when he looked at me his whole face telegraphed it. I wanted to look away, wanted to not see this, but there was no way not to. Josh looked tired, and worn out, and he looked like he didn't know me. He wasn't looking at me like he thought I was special. He was looking at me like you might look at a total stranger on the street, someone you had no feelings for at all. I would have been ok if he was angry, or screaming. I would even have been ok if he hit me, or if he was crying, or anything, anything but this quiet detachment. Josh put a hand on my shoulder and turned me to the door. 

"Josh, please, I was trying to help," I said, feeling my eyes sting as tears welled up in them. "I know it wasn't the best idea, but I couldn't think of anything else. Please, I just wanted to help Lance." 

"Justin, I don't even know what to say to you," Josh said. "I thought you changed. I thought you were different, but Justin, I feel like I don't know you at all. This wasn't the way to help Lance, and I don't think I can talk to you right now about this. I don't think anyone else can, either." 

"I'll go, then," I said, swallowing, trying to ignore the tears trickling down my own cheeks. "I just wanted to help." 

"I know, Justin," Josh said. "But I don't know if you did." 

I walked out of the cottage, noticing that no one said goodnight to me. I had helped Lance, but I'd been right about the plan. It was completely the wrong thing to do. It didn't matter that it broke up Lance and Howie. Joey and Josh were right. What I had done was completely wrong. They had thought I had changed, but I thought I had, too, and I realized I hadn't changed at all. Even when I thought I was doing a good thing, I still just hurt people. As I walked back to my cottage, I realized that Josh was right to be disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself. I pushed open the door, noticing how dark it was, and then closed it behind me. 

"Finally," Nick sighed, switching on a lamp. He sat in a chair in his boxers, waiting for me, several empty beer bottles sitting next to him. "I've been waiting for my prize, Justin, and look, here it is." 

"Nick, look," I began, as he stood, and walked toward me. 

"I've been waiting right here, thinking about you," Nick said, running his hand along my jawline. I flinched away, but he dropped it to my chest, rubbing my pec with the back of his fingers. His breath smelled like an old keg, sour and alcoholic. "I've been thinking about the things I'm going to do to you. Come on, Justin. Let's go to the bedroom." 

"No," I said, shaking my head. 

"Excuse me?" Nick asked, running his hand up and down my chest. "Justin, I did what you wanted. Now it's your turn to do what I want, and I want you naked on that bed." 

I pulled away from him, stepping out of the cloud of beer fumes. 

"Nick, we hurt Lance," I said, staring at him. "We hurt Lance, and Howie, too. How can you not feel bad about that?" 

"I told you, Justin," Nick said, his voice tight. "I don't feel bad about anything. I don't let myself. Now, I did what you wanted, and I'm not a fucking charity, ok? Get in the bedroom." 

"Nick, I don't want to do this anymore," I said, shaking my head. "I don't want to do it now, or ever. I'm sorry. I can't do that with you. I don't want to. I didn't mean to lead you on, Nick, but I just, I can't do this." 

"You better feel like doing it real soon," Nick said, grabbing his crotch. "Because I'm ready to go." 

"Nick, look, too many people have been hurt already," I said, shaking my head. "Josh won't talk to me, all my friends are mad at me, and I don't want to fuck things up between us, too. Please, Nick, we're friends. Let's just leave it at that." 

Nick sneered. 

"I know what this is about, Justin," he said. 

"What?" I asked. What else could it be about? I'd just told him. 

"You still think you're better than me," Nick said harshly. "You still think that your reasons are so fucking noble, and that what you're doing is for such a good reason, that it means what you do is ok. Well you know what, Justin? You're not. You're just like me, and you're too fucking proud to admit it. The shit I've done isn't any worse than the shit you've done, but somehow it's ok when you do it, because, you know, it's you. You wanted to help Lance? No. You wanted to save him. You wanted to help yourself, and the only way you could help him was with sex, because that's all you have and all you are. That's all that people want from you, Justin, and you know it." 

"Shut up," I said, feeling tears well up in my eyes again. 

"Why?" Nick asked, stepping toward me. He was pissed, his chest heaving, his face turning red. "Will it make it less true? You're a whore, Justin, just like me. That's all you have, and all you are. Now swallow your tears and get in there on that fucking bed." 

"No," I said, shaking my head. I was more than that, damn it. Maybe before I would have believed that, maybe before I would have just said that all I had was my body and it was ok to use it to get what I wanted, but not now. I was a better person than Nick. "I'm not like you." 

"You're just like me," Nick countered. 

"Fuck you," I said, turning away, not wanting to cry in front of him, but unable to stop myself. I heard Nick behind me, his voice low. 

"No," he said, moving quickly. "Fuck you." 

Nick tackled me from behind, slamming me to the floor. I bucked, trying to throw him off, but he was bigger than me, more muscular, and he weighed more. 

"Get off of me!" I yelled, trying to roll. 

"It doesn't have to be like this, Justin," Nick said, grabbing my arms. I twisted, struggling against him, but couldn't get free. He caught my wrists in one of his hands and pulled them up above my head, and I began to get scared. 

"Nick! Nick, please!" I pleaded, struggling. I felt his other hand snaking underneath us, fighting at the button of my shorts. "Nick, don't!" 

"I'm just taking what's mine, Justin," he said, crushing me beneath him. Tears were streaming down my face now. I tried to squeeze my legs together, but his knees were between mine, pushing them apart, and I felt him jerking my shorts and briefs down. "After all, you promised." 

His breath was hot on my neck, stinking of beer, and I struggled beneath him, but he kept me pinned to the floor. I never realized he was so strong, so heavy, and I felt myself panicking beneath him. My arms flexed, trying to pull away, but he had my wrists caught painfully, his fingers digging into the flesh. His chest pressed into my back, and I felt his cock brush my ass. 

"No!" I screamed, throwing myself up under him. He slipped a little, but stayed on, crushing me back down to the floor. "Nick, no! Please!" 

"I've been waiting for this, " he whispered, and I could hear the grin in his voice. 

I tried to hold him out, tried to squeeze myself closed, as I felt his prick pushing against me. He leaned forward, biting my shoulder hard, and I felt him push. Pain shot through me, blinding pain, and I felt something tear. I tried to scream, but he had his free hand over my mouth. I shrieked against it anyway, but no one could hear me. 

---

CHAPTER 88

---

JACK'S POV: 

We finally got Lance calmed down, or at least got the tears down to a trickle, around the same time that the order from room service arrived. Vlada had picked out a bunch of snacks, a lot of soda, and big pots of coffee and tea. As the staff wheeled the two carts in, leaving them by the door where she directed, I wanted to hug her. Instead my desire for caffeine won out, and I raced over for a cup of coffee, pouring a cup of hot water for Josh with my other hand, so that I could bring some tea over to the couch where he was sitting with Lance. 

"Thanks, babe," Josh sighed, taking the cup from me. He stood up, and we walked over to the bedroom as Chris slid into Josh's place, holding out a cup of tea for Lance. We kept asking if he needed anything, but he kept saying no. "How are you holding up?" 

"OK, I guess," I answered, keeping my voice low as well. Lance was quietly walking the others through every beating Howie had given him, pouring it all out in a detached voice, oblivious to our looks of horror. 

"You look kind of tired," Josh said, kissing my forehead as I leaned against him. "Maybe we'll see about getting Lance to bed, and then we can go home." 

Josh and I were both running more or less on empty. Once we'd finally left my parents' house, things had really started to sink in on the plane back. We talked a lot as we zipped back over the country, but the trip had been very emotionally draining for us both, and I think we just needed some time to soak in each other and recharge our batteries. As I thought more and more about the envelope my mother had given me, I felt more and more lost. I still didn't know for sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, I felt like it answered so many questions about the way my mother and my father treated us, but on the other hand it left me feeling oddly rootless, as if there was nowhere that I belonged. I knew that I still had Josh, and that his family would be happy to pull me in, since they already had, but I felt like my foundation was gone, like I'd just sprung up whole from nowhere. My name wasn't even really mine. 

By the time the plane landed, I didn't want to do anything but be alone with Josh, because I knew that he, at least, loved me. No one else had ever been so completely honest with me, or so forgiving of anything I ever did. Sure, Josh had made a few impulsive mistakes, too, but he needed me as much as I needed him, and he had also been my rock these past few weeks. I wouldn't have been able to get through my ordeal and recovery without him, although I wouldn't have gone through it if I hadn't been with him. Whenever I felt weak, like I just couldn't keep doing this, Josh was there to hold me up until I could stand on my own. Right now, more than anything, I just wanted to lean on Josh, and I knew every time he looked at Lance that he just wanted to lean on me, too. 

Of course, we didn't get that personal time that we needed, not really. After Justin had picked us up and driven us back, we had undressed, and then just stripped down and laid in bed with the stereo on, holding each other. Josh had spooned up against my back, wrapping his strong, soft arms around me, holding me against him. Our heads shared the same pillow, his nose nuzzling the back of my neck, and we were both breathing slowly and contentedly as bluesy piano drifted in from the living room. I felt Josh's abs against my back, and the soft points of his nipples brushing my shoulders, and his hands were on my chest, flattened over my pecs as he held me against him, but neither of us were hard. We weren't thinking about sex yet. 

And then the phone rang, and we'd ended up over here. 

"How are you doing, Josh?" I asked, glancing out into the living room to make sure nothing had changed while we were in the bedroom. "Are you ok?" 

"I'm going to need to rest soon, too," Josh said, shaking his head. "Jack, how could this have happened? How could Howie have done this to Lance, and none of us known?" 

"I don't know, Josh," I said. "I mean, we both had that feeling that something was going on, but we didn't listen to it." 

"I know," he said, hugging me so fiercely suddenly that I almost spilled my coffee. "Jack, I'll never hurt you, never, not like that and not any other way, either." 

"Josh, I know," I said, holding him. This was hitting him pretty hard, and he was already so worn down from the trip away. I was more concerned about getting Josh out of here and to bed than I was about myself. "I know you'd never hurt me, and I'll never hurt you, either, I promise. I wouldn't have made it through any of this without you, Josh." 

"And I won't make it through without you, either," he whispered. When he pulled back from me, I saw that his eyes were wet, and I carefully kissed each of his eyelids. 

"I love you," I said, smiling in the hope that he would, too. "Let's go back to Lance now, ok?" 

"OK," he whispered, rewarding me with a small grin. "I love you, too." 

We walked back out, and things finally seemed to be settling down. Lance was explaining to Joey, Chris, and Vlada that he didn't want to go to the hospital to get checked out, and that he was fine, just a little bruised. When we walked back in from the bedroom Lance looked up at me from the couch, and his green eyes filled up with tears again. 

"Jack, I'm sorry," he began again. "I'm sorry I lied to you." 

"Stop apologizing," I said, holding out my arms. He got up and came over to hug me. I hugged him lightly, worried about squeezing too hard. "How do you feel?" 

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Part of me wants Howie to walk in right now, but part of me is afraid that he actually will. I think, I think I need to go get some help again, Jack." 

"I think that's a good idea, " I said, nodding. "You know we're here for you, Lance. Anything you need to tell us, just let it out." 

"I know," he said, wiping at his eyes. Vlada appeared from behind him, holding out the tissue box again, and Lance took one gratefully, nodding at her. Lance turned back to everyone. "I'm sorry you're all over here. I didn't mean to ruin your night." 

"Lance, don't even think that," Chris said as the others nodded. "You're more important. We'll stay here as long as you need us to." 

"Thank you," Lance said, starting to sob again. "Because I, I don't want to be alone right now." 

Lance began to sob, and everyone was up to hug him again. As everyone held onto him, I began to think about the person who wasn't here. How did Justin feel right now? I was disappointed in him, but I could see when he tried to explain to us that he really thought he was doing the right thing. He really thought what he had done, and put Nick up to doing, was for the best. He hadn't wanted to hurt anyone, but, being Justin, he hadn't been able to think of any better ways once, as Lance had explained, he'd tried to make Lance break out of this on his own, and had failed. Last time Justin had played head games with Lance, it had been to deliberately hurt him, to punish him for hurting Josh, but this time he really had been trying to help, and I realized that, despite what everyone else said, Justin should be here, too. 

"Lance, will you be ok if I, um, step out for a bit?" I asked. Josh glanced at me uncertainly as Lance nodded. 

"Where are you going?" Josh asked, and I decided not to lie, even though I knew the room wouldn't take my answer well. 

"I'm going to check on Justin," I said levelly, as if it was nothing. "He looked petty upset when he left, and I want to make sure he's ok, too." 

Josh nodded, but Joey glared at me angrily. 

"I don't care if he's ok," Joey barked harshly, stepping toward me. "I don't see how you can, either. I thought you were Lance's friend." 

"I am Lance's friend," I asserted, planting my feet firmly on the floor, staring into Joey's blazing eyes. I refused to back down. "I'm Justin's friend, too. Look, Joey, I know how you feel right now." 

"You have no idea how I feel, " Joey said, his voice tight. "If you did, you wouldn't be leaving Lance when he needs you to go see Justin." 

"Back off, Joey," Josh said, trying to separate us, trying to protect me. Neither of us looked at him, unwilling to break our unblinking contact. 

"Maybe if you let me finish, you'd understand a little better," I said coldly. "As I was saying, I know how you feel, because I don't like what Justin did, either. I think he could have handled things better, but all he really wanted to do was help Lance. Maybe he didn't go about it the best way, but I also think that Justin was scared, and kind of alone. Maybe if you'd been as concerned about being here for Justin, he would have come to you about Lance." 

"Jack, Justin didn't want us to help him," Chris said, crossing his arms as Joey and I continued our face off in the middle of the living room. 

"We should have tried harder, " I said. "All of us. Just like we should have tried harder to help you, Lance. I'm finding it really hard to be mad at Justin, because I'm just as mad at myself." 

"Justin knew," Joey said. I realized even as I said it that Joey was mad at Justin because it was easier than blaming himself. I wasn't letting Justin be the scapegoat on this one, though. "We didn't." 

"We should have," I countered. "All the signs were there, and none of us wanted to look at them. At least Justin did something, even if it was something stupid. He tried to help his friend. None of us did." 

"His friend? He tried to help his friend?" Joey asked. I felt Josh's hand on my arm, but knew that he was torn, too. There wasn't an easy side to take in this argument. "Justin doesn't know what a friend is, Jack. Friends don't play mind games with each other, not even to help them." 

"Why can't you even stop to entertain the thought that maybe Justin doesn't know any other way to deal with problems?" I demanded, my voice rising. 

"Why do you always make excuses for him?" Joey countered. 

"Why don't you?" I asked. "When I met Josh, all he told me about you guys was how you were a family, how you were all his brothers, and then when I came out here it's all anyone else said, too. I've seen you pull together for Josh, and Lance, and even me. Why can't you treat Justin like that?" 

"Because that's not the way he treats us," Joey said harshly. "The things he's done to Lance." 

"Are things that Lance forgave him for," I countered. "I haven't heard Lance bring that up once." 

"That's all done with," Lance said quietly, as Joey and I finally broke the staredown to glance at him. "Justin was sorry for that, really sorry, even if none of you really believed it." 

"Lance, you're upset," Joey began. 

"Don't tell me how I feel," Lance said, shaking his head. He stepped away from Joey, and I felt Josh's hand tighten a little on my arm. "Jack, if you want to go check on Justin, go. I can't say that what he did, and had Nick do, doesn't hurt, but when you see Justin, tell him, well, tell him I, I understand." 

Lance began crying again, turning away, and Chris hugged him, leading him to the couch. Joey was still sneering at me, but a lot of the fire had been taken out of him thanks to Lance, the actual victim. 

"Satisfied?" I asked, waiting. 

"Jack, I think you're in for a nasty surprise," Joey said finally, stepping back. "You keep believing that Justin always means well, and isn't mostly out for himself, and someday you're going to find out that he's not. We all know it, and we've all tried to like him for what else is there, but deep down, Justin is selfish, and he always will be." 

"But Jack's not," Josh said quietly, hugging me from the side, but looking at Joey. "And that's why I love him. Because he always hopes for the best, but plans for the worst." 

I walked over to the door, Josh trailing behind me. 

"Does anyone want to come with me?" I asked, looking around the room. No one would meet my eyes, and I remembered how none of us would meet Justin's when he left, either. I thought of the hurt I'd seen in his blue eyes, the confusion and pain, and I knew I couldn't leave him alone. Josh glanced away, but then his blue eyes met mine, and I could see how tired, and concerned, and conflicted he was. 

"Jack, I don't know if I can talk to him right now," Josh said finally, as everyone else pretended to be very interested in other things that kept them from looking at me. "In the morning, maybe, but right now I just don't know what I'd say." 

"That's ok, babe," I said, kissing him quickly on the lips. His lips were firm, but just yielding enough. "I'll be back as soon as I check on him, and then maybe we can call this a night, unless Lance still needs us." 

"OK," Josh answered. He held out his arms to hug me, and when I leaned in he whispered in my ear, his soft short beard scraping against my cheek. "We're going to talk to him about maybe pressing charges. I don't think he'll go for it, since he'd have to be out for that, but maybe he will." 

"Good luck," I said, wondering if maybe there was a way for us to deal with Howie ourselves. I pushed the thought away, and walked out, heading for Justin's bungalow, praying I wouldn't interrupt some sort of orgy involving Nick and any number of hotel staff. 

As I walked up the short sidewalk, warning bells immediately started going off in my head. Justin's door was open, not all the way, but partially. The guys might leave their doors unlocked when they were home, drifting in and out of each other's houses and apartments, but even then they kept the doors closed. They were almost fanatical about it, always worrying that some photographer might walk by and catch them at a bad time. I pushed the door the rest of the way open, feeling my heart start to hammer as I glanced around the front room. The coffee table was shoved to the side, as well as the couch, and there was a spill of magazines on the floor. The bathroom door stood open, the bathroom dark, and the bedroom door was open as well, but no lights were on there, either. The only light in the living room was from one of the table lamps, but it was lying on its side on the floor. My chest felt tight, and I groped in my pocket for my cell phone as I walked slowly inside, looking around. 

"Justin? Nick?" I called, but even as I heard my voice I realized it sounded low, and weak, a lot softer than I intended. I tried again, but it still just squeaked out as my pulse thumped loudly in my ears. "Justin?" 

I walked over toward the bedroom door, and down at the bottom of the frame, near the floor, I saw a red streak. Bile rose up in my throat, and I felt dizzy as I stepped into the bedroom, the walls seeming very close suddenly. I was starting to go into a panic attack, another one, and I tried frantically to slow things down, to think of Josh, or at least to hold out long enough to find out what had happened here. Where was Justin? Or Nick? I heard a noise from the opened closet, and flicked on the light switch, the room graying around the edges. 

"No!" Justin yelped, pulling himself up against the back wall of the closet. His face was buried under his arm, and he was curled up in a ball under the hanging shirts. I noticed that his other hand was grabbing frantically at the waistband of his shorts, holding them up, and he wouldn't look at me. "No! Please no!" 

"Justin?" I asked, still feeling dizzy. I fumbled the phone out, finally, needing Josh. "Justin, it's Jack." 

"Jack?" Justin asked, his voice shaking. He looked up at me, and I saw that his eyes were bulging from his face, huge and blue and afraid. I rushed over to the closet, dropping down to my knees, and Justin grabbed me, pulling himself tightly against me. "Jack, is he, did he, Jack, did he leave? I don't want him to come back. I don't, I don't, I didn't want it, Jack." 

"Justin, I don't understand, " I said, shaking my head. I felt panic surge up again, the room taking a slow spin, and I fought it back down as sweat broke out on my forehead. Justin needed me, and I had to fight to stay here with him. I felt part of myself slipping back into the basement, into the tiny room with the white walls and the hanging bulb, but I couldn't let it happen. "Justin, no one is here but me. What happened to you? I saw blood." 

"I'm bleeding," Justin whispered, his voice rising to a breathless soprano. He was breathing so hard I almost couldn't hear him, his voice was so high and squeaking. "Jack, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding in my, I'm, down there." 

As he said the last part Justin's face broke, the features seeming to just slide apart as he burst into tears, and he pressed his face against my chest, his hands clutching at my shoulders. I held him tight, wondering what the hell had happened. 

"Justin, I'm going to call Josh, ok?" I asked. "We're going to help you, ok? We'll help you." 

"No!" Justin said, looking up at me. The thought that burst absurdly into my mind was that he looked young. His face was completely blank, except for the tears gushing from his eyes. "Josh is, he's disappointed, he won't, he won't understand. I don't want him to see me." 

"Josh loves you, Justin," I said. "He's not mad at you, I promise. Justin, I can't, I can't help you by myself. I'm not strong enough right now. I want to, but I can't without Josh. Please, Justin, please let me call him. He loves you, Justin. Please let us help you." 

It killed me to tell have to tell Justin that I couldn't help him by myself. I had to spit the words out, feeling them tumble away like pieces of broken glass as I realized that I was about to fail him. He needed me, and I wasn't strong enough. Justin swallowed, his breath catching as he hitched another sob in. 

"Not mad?" he asked, and I shook my head. "Call him. Please, Jack, please help me." 

I thumbed Josh's number on my phone, waiting for him to answer. I could see them all in the bungalow, watching him, glancing at his pocket as it rang. I felt my heart hammering again, and the room seemed to wash out slowly. I grabbed Justin, squeezing him more tightly against me as he sobbed, and used him to pull me back. I needed to stay here, in this moment. Justin, whatever had happened to him, needed me. Another voice in my head whispered that I knew exactly what had happened to Justin, but I was just incapable of processing any more. It was all just too much, and my brain wouldn't let one more disaster in. 

"Jack?" Josh asked, and I could hear the others talking behind him. 

"Josh, please come over here, right now," I blurted, the words flying out of my mouth. "I'm over at Justin's, and we need you here, please! Bring the car keys, because we have to go to the hospital. Justin's bleeding." 

"Bleeding?" Josh blurted. I bet he had everyone's attention now. 

"Josh, please!" I almost screamed, as Justin clutched my shoulders painfully, shrieking against my chest. "Josh, we need you. Please hurry." 

"OK, I'm on my way," Josh said quickly, and I could hear a door opening even as he said it. "Hold on, Jack. I love you." 

"I know," I said, struggling now. Justin's near hysteria was starting to fuel mine, kicking my panic attack back into gear. I dropped the phone so that I could hold onto Justin better, since I couldn't think of anything else that might calm him down. "Justin, please calm down. Please." 

"Jack, it hurt," he wailed, trembling against me. "It hurt, it hurt so much, and I didn't want it, I didn't want him to." 

"He's gone, Justin, he's gone," I said, closing my eyes. I needed to shut all of this out. "Justin, what happened?" 

"Nick!" he blurted, his voice still that high soprano whisper. I realized that his voice sounded raw, like he'd been screaming, and as soon as I thought that, I also realized that he had been. "He, he, held me down." 

"It's ok, Justin, it's ok," I said, holding him against my chest. "It's over now, it's over." 

I started trying to gently tug him out of the closet, knowing that Josh would be here any second, but Justin struggled against me, going rigid, so I stopped, and just rocked him back and forth. It always seemed to work on me when Josh did it. 

"Justin, Nick hurt you?" I asked. Nick? But they had something going on that was purely based on sex. Why would Nick do this? "Why?" 

"Because I promised," Justin wailed, screaming again. I was sorry I asked, but the words just spilled out of him, as if something had broken inside. I heard the door at the front of the bungalow squeak, and knew that it was Josh. "I told him that he could have me if he, if he, fucked Howie, so he did. It was the only way, and I didn't have anything else, anything he wanted. I just wanted to help Lance, Jack, that's all, I just wanted to help Lance. And then, then, tonight, I, everyone yelled at me. I did a bad thing, Jack. I was bad." 

"Justin, no," I said, feeling my eyes water. "No one's mad at you, Justin." 

I looked up and saw Josh standing frozen in the doorway of the bedroom, his hand over his mouth as he stared at us in shock, but Justin hadn't seen him yet. 

"I just wanted to help Lance!" Justin screamed again, his eyes squeezed tightly closed. "I didn't want to hurt him, and I did, and I didn't mean to. Everyone, everyone got mad at me, and I came back, and Nick, he said, he said I was trash. He said I was just like him, and, and that I didn't want to help Lance at all, and I did. I just, I didn't have anything else, anything Nick wanted, but after he, after he was so mean, I didn't want him to have me, I didn't. Nick wanted, he wanted what I promised, but I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want it Jack! I didn't want it, and he, he pushed me down, and he held my arms! I screamed, and I screamed, but he held me down, and he pulled down my shorts, and it hurt! It hurt, Jack, it hurt so much." 

"Justin, oh, God, Justin," Josh said, dropping down beside us, tears streaming down his cheeks. Josh held out his arms, wrapping them around Justin as I slid mine away, and whatever strength Justin had found to scream all of that to me drained out of him. He slumped against Josh weakly, sobbing. 

"I just wanted to help Lance, " Justin sobbed against Josh's chest. Josh stood, his arms bulging, as he lifted Justin off of the floor. Justin clung to him. 

"I know, I know," Josh said, looking past Justin at me as I wiped at my eyes with my arm and pulled myself to my feet. "And you did help Lance, Justin, you did. He's gonna be ok, and Jack and I are gonna take you to the hospital, ok? We're gonna take care of you, Curly, just like I used to, ok? Everything'll be like it was." 

"It hurt, Josh, it hurt," Justin sobbed. 

"I know," Josh said, kissing his forehead. 

I snatched my phone off of the floor and followed Josh as he carried Justin into the main room. When we got there, Josh kept going, but I stopped dead, looking around at Lance, Joey, Chris, and Vlada. Vlada was crying against Chris's shoulder as he held onto her, and Lance was looking around the room with his eyes wide open, dazed. I realized that all of them had heard everything Justin had just screamed to me. Joey glanced up at me as Josh carried Justin through the front door, heading for the car, and I felt anger rise up in me again. The words flew out of my mouth before I could think of stopping them. 

"Happy now?" I demanded, stepping toward him. "Tell me again how selfish Justin is." 

"Shut up," Joey said, glaring at me. 

"Tell me again who doesn't know what a friend is, Joey!" I snapped, wanting to slap him for everything he'd said earlier. 

"Shut up!" Joey barked again, leaning toward me and I saw that his eyes were watering. 

Suddenly Lance was between us. 

"Stop it," he said quietly. 

"I'm going with Josh and Justin," I said, stalking away. "You do whatever the hell you want." 

The four of them ended up following us in Chris's jeep. I sat in the back of Josh's car with Justin, holding onto him, as Josh sped to the emergency room. I knew that he wanted to be back here, but we had the Jag, and I still hadn't learned how to drive it. When we got there, Justin didn't want to let go of Josh. Josh didn't want to let go of me, but I told him to stay with Justin, who needed him more right now. Josh was starting to look close to breaking, but he was holding it together for Justin. I realized that I had managed to fight off a panic attack, and that I wasn't going to break after all. I'd have to be sure to tell my fucking shrink all about this new breakthrough I'd made, I thought bitterly. 

Chris was on the phone with Johnny the entire time we were at the hospital, speaking urgently in a low voice off in the corner of the waiting area, getting the publicity machine going on whatever cover story we would concoct this time. Vlada went to go find us some coffee, blotting at her eyes with a tissue. It was the first time I'd ever seen her with her makeup running, and I smiled as I watched her walk down the hall, absurdly out of place in her high heeled boots and leather pants. Lance was standing as close as he could to the doors that led to the back, watching urgently for any sign of them. The nurses had given up on asking him to please go sit back down as he stood wringing his hands. Joey and I were left staring at each other across a sea of chairs. 

"I was wrong, ok?" Joey blurted finally, getting up to sit by me. "I was wrong." 

"I was too," I replied, staring down at my hands. "What I said before, Joey, I was angry. It was out of line, and uncalled for. I'm sorry. I just, I couldn't help him, not by myself, not without Josh." 

The two of us sighed, and then Joey draped an arm around my shoulders. 

"You did the best you could, " he said, and I leaned against him. "I know you're not used to leaning on the rest of us, but maybe you should try it a little more. You look worn out." 

"I am," I sighed. We sat like that for a while, Joey only letting go when Vlada finally appeared with a tray of cups. 

"Zere ees cream und zshugar in ze middle," she said quietly. 

"Thanks," we both said. Chris drifted over to grab a cup, and Vlada carried one over to Lance. 

"I hate Nick," Joey said finally, scowling. 

"I think we should kill him, " I said, almost meaning it. 

"With baseball bats," Joey said. 

"Bats with nails in them," I continued. 

"I'll drive," Joey added. 

"Shotgun," Chris said, sliding into the seat across from us. The three of us looked at each other and sighed, unable to even summon a smile to go with this weak attempt at humor. The doors squeaked, and we looked up to see Josh walking alongside a nurse who was pushing Justin along in a wheelchair. Justin looked groggy, and Josh looked incredibly strained, his eyes red and his arms trembling. 

"We're going to take Justin home now," he said, his voice shaking. 

"I don't want to go back there," Justin said, shaking his head. 

"You can stay with us," I said, dropping down beside him so that he could see my face. "You can stay with Josh and me." 

Justin shook his head. 

"I don't want to get in between you two," he said. "I've caused you guys enough trouble. I don't, I don't want to be a burden on you." 

"Justin, you're not a burden, " Josh said, patting his shoulder as the nurse wheeled him to the doors. 

"You can stay with me," Lance said, leaning over to offer him a hand out of the chair. Justin blinked at him in surprise. "You helped me, and I want to help you, Justin, if you'll let me. I, well, I kind of know what you're going through, and I don't want you to go through it by yourself." 

Justin swallowed, his eyes filling up with tears again. 

"OK," he said, throwing his arms around Lance. Lance winced a little, but didn't let go. 

"You guys can ride with us," Josh said, and I took his hand, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. He sighed, and kissed me back. 

We dropped Justin and Lance off, instructing both of them to call us if they needed anything, and Joey and Chris told them the same thing. Josh and I bid everyone else a good night, and walked back to the bungalow. We went straight to the bedroom and started to get undressed again on our opposite sides of the bed. I looked up when Josh paused, and raced around the bed to hug him as I saw that he was crying. I wrapped my arms around him, cradling him against my chest. 

"I'm here, Josh," I whispered, holding him. His arms slid up and down my back. 

"Why, Jack?" he asked quietly. "Why can't I help any of the people I love?" 

"What?" I asked, surprised. "Josh, you do help us. You help us by loving us." 

"But I can't protect you," he whispered. "I can't protect any of you. I couldn't help you, or Lance, or Justin. Why can't I protect any of you, Jack?" 

"I don't know, Josh," I answered. I couldn't think of anything else to say. 

---

CHAPTER 89

---

JACK'S POV: 

Josh and I fell asleep holding on to each other, comforting each other. I told him quietly about how I had almost grayed out while I was with Justin, and how I'd been able to fight to keep it from happening, and Josh kissed me and told me how proud of me he was. He told me about holding Justin's hand while the doctor examined him, and how Justin had refused to let the doctor do a rape kit, or call the police. I didn't know they could do a kit for a male, but apparently parts of it were applicable. Josh continued, telling me how Justin cried and squeezed his fingers painfully together when the doctor cleaned him and treated him, Josh telling him over and over to be strong and that it would be over soon while Justin whimpered and cried. 

I couldn't imagine how Justin must be feeling right now, beyond the physical pain. I had never been violated by another person, never in that way, and it must have been so much worse for Justin. Justin's power, and his whole sense of self, was all tied up in sex, and in his body, and Nick had taken that away from him. I had held Justin, and listened to him, and seen the look in his eyes. I was afraid that Nick had done more than take his power, more than defeat him. I was afraid that Nick had crushed something inside of him, something we wouldn't ever have back. For all of his games and his schemes and the things he had done, Justin had also paradoxically always kept a portion of his excited, wide-eyed innocence, and I was worried that Nick had taken that from Justin along with his virginity. 

As if thinking about Justin wasn't enough, I also couldn't stop thinking about Lance. After Justin had hurt him, it had been so hard for Lance to trust anyone again. It had been so hard for him to reach out to anyone, and I remembered how he had struggled just to go on a second date with Howie. Lance, before Howie, had also been a virgin, had never been with anyone, and it had been so difficult, and taken so much, for him to be with Howie, to learn to accept the physical side of love, and now Howie had betrayed him. Once again, someone had hurt him, and Lance thought it was his fault. Once again he had been driven right up to his breaking point, and one of us had to save him because he couldn't save himself. Somewhere, in Lance's mind, love was all twisted up in his head, and he seemed so at home in the role of victim, as if he expected it. 

And now the two of them were over in Lance's cottage, two broken birds in one cage. At least we could count on them not to hurt each other, and I was harboring a secret hope that, in taking care of each other, they also learn something about taking care of themselves. 

Josh began to cry again as he continued telling me about the emergency room, and the doctor, and how hurt Justin was, and I held him against me as we lay face to face on the same pillow. I ran my fingers gently through Josh's soft hair, and felt the velvet crush of his arms and shoulders as he held me tightly, murmuring over and over that he loved me, and that he would never hurt me. Our legs brushed each other, strong calves and thighs entwining, and we were chest to chest from hugging so tightly. I ran my hands up Josh's back, feeling his strength, as he nuzzled at my neck, his beard brushing over my pulse as his nose tickled that little spot of skin just below my ear. 

"Jack, I love you so much," Josh whispered, kissing my neck. "I'll never let anything bad happen to you again, never. I'll never hurt you, Jack, and I'll never let anyone else hurt you, not while I can stop it. I promise, Jack, I promise." 

"I love you, Josh," I whispered back, lifting my chin as he nuzzled under it, his fingers fluttering over the sides of my face. "All you have to promise is to love me." 

We didn't make love. Instead we just lay together, kissing, holding on to each other, until Josh fell asleep. My mind was still turning all of it over, chasing around and around everything, worrying over the others, and over Josh as well. As I said before, somehow Josh managed to live in a world where no one was every unkind to anyone else, despite everything he had seen, and everything that had happened to all of us before this. Every time something assaulted that world it was a blow against Josh himself, and I worried how he would bear up under this new pressure on top of everything he had already been sorting through, all the pain he'd been holding in as he worked through my recovery. I was so worried about the others, Lance, Justin, and Josh, that it had more or less smothered my thoughts of myself, and the news that I wasn't who I thought I was, and never had been. 

I had to take care of this family before I could waste any more time brooding on the one I had been raised with, or the other one that hadn't wanted me either. 

When Josh and I woke up the next morning we showered together, and then dressed quickly. Walking out of the apartment, we both studiously ignored the envelope from my mother, which sat ominously on the coffee table. As long as I wasn't going to face it, Josh wasn't going to push it, and right now really wasn't the time, anyway. We stopped off at the restaurant to get some breakfast stuff, and carried it with us to Lance's cottage, unsure of what kind of food, or how much, he would have there in the tiny refrigerator. We knocked on the door, waited, and knocked again before a sleepy looking Lance, dressed in boxers and an undershirt, rubbing his eyes, opened it. 

"Good morning," he said, blinking at us. 

"Hi," I said, holding up the tray. "We brought breakfast." 

"Can we come in?" Josh asked. 

"Sure," Lance said, stepping aside to let us through. I saw a sheet and pillow on the couch, and glanced at Lance quizzically. He shrugged. "I didn't want to make Justin uncomfortable. I thought if he woke up and felt someone near him it might scare him." 

"So you slept on the couch?" Josh asked. 

"Had to sleep somewhere," Lance answered, shrugging. He looked away suddenly. "Besides, I don't want to sleep in there right now, not where, you know, where Howie and I." 

"It's ok, Lance," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder as Josh began setting the table. 

"Am I supposed to miss him, Jack?' Lance asked, blinking at me. "Because I do. I know everyone says he didn't love me, but he did, and even if he hurt me, I miss him. He wasn't always like that, and I was thinking that maybe, maybe now he can get some help, too, and he can change. Maybe he can come back, and we'll be together again. Is it bad to think that, Jack?" 

"Lance, I can't answer that for you," I said, swallowing hard. 

"But you don't think I should feel that way," he said, shaking his head. 

"Lance, I can't tell you how to feel," I said. "I'm not you, but if I was, I wouldn't want him back. He hurt you, Lance." 

"I know," Lance said, nodding. Josh put a hand on his other shoulder, patting it. "I just, I remember how he was, when we first met, when we went on the ferris wheel. He wasn't always like this, and I miss him." 

"We'll be right here for you, Lance," Josh said. 

"I know," Lance said, nodding. "I just can't stop thinking about it." 

Before we could say anything else to him we were interrupted by a high pitched moan from the bedroom. Lance had left the door open, probably so he could hear if Justin needed him, and we walked over quickly. Justin was asleep, curled up in a tiny ball, and Josh knelt by the side of the bed as Lance and I looked on. Justin's eyes were pinched tightly closed, and he was covered with sweat, his t-shirt wet and sticking to him, his short hair plastered to his forehead. He was moaning in his sleep. 

"No," Justin muttered, his voice tight. "No, no, please, no." 

Josh put a hand on his shoulder, and Justin's eyes bulged open as he skittered back across the bed away from the touch, bleating in fear. Josh jumped back, surprised and looking a little hurt, as Justin blinked at us. 

"Josh?" Justin asked, sliding carefully back over. "Josh, I was, I had this dream." 

"I'm sorry, Justin," Josh said quietly, his hands on the edge of the bed. Justin's eyes began to water. 

"It really happened, didn't it?" Justin asked, remembering again. 

"Justin, I'm so sorry," Josh said again, holding out his arms. 

Justin slumped into them, sobbing, and Lance and I stepped out of the bedroom, giving them some privacy. As Lance and I awkwardly poured our coffee, anxiously watching the bedroom, we saw Josh help Justin out of bed, whispering quietly to him. Josh walked Justin on trembling legs to the bathroom, Justin nodding at both of us as he went by, his eyes impossibly huge. The two of them vanished behind the closed bathroom door, and then Josh slid back out. 

"Lance, do you have anything he can wear?" Josh asked quietly. 

"Yeah," Lance said, heading for the bedroom. 

"How is he?" I asked, hugging Josh, silently lending him my support. He pressed himself gratefully against me, burying his face in my hair for a second. 

"I don't know," he answered. "He's in pain, you know, physical pain, but mostly he's just hurt inside, Jack, like he's broken. I don't think it ever occurred to him that things might not turn out the way he planned. I don't think Justin ever thought he could lose." 

"We'll get him through this, Josh," I sighed. Behind us, I heard Lance opening and closing dresser drawers. "We'll get them both through this, all of this." 

Lance carried a bundle of clothing over to the bathroom, and, knocking softly, passed them in while I sipped my coffee and Josh put together his tea. After a few minutes Justin emerged from the bathroom, looking very pale in a black set of Lance's pajamas, his face washed and still wet, and the four of us sat down at the table. Lance shocked me by saying grace before we reached for any of the food, but maybe the three of them needed a little extra support. I mumbled an amen with the rest of them, and watched them. We all ate quietly, none of us really knowing what to say to each other. 

"So," Lance sighed finally, looking back and forth between the three of us. 

"How about that local sports team?" I asked, smirking. Lance and Justin offered up the ghost of a smile, and Josh patted my hand. 

"How was your trip?" Justin asked quietly, blinking at me. "Is your family coming to the wedding?" 

"Probably not," I answered, shrugging. "They, um, it didn't go really well." 

"I'm sorry," Justin said, looking down at his bagel. "I shouldn't have asked." 

"No, it's ok," I said. "It's not your fault." 

"I'm sorry, too," Lance said. "I know, kind of, how you feel. My mom hasn't really talked to me since I told her about me and Howie. Howie said not to worry about it, that it didn't matter, but now I don't have him, either." 

"You still have us, though," Josh said, patting Lance's hand now. 

"I know," Lance said, smiling at Josh. It was a tight, pained smile. "I just wish things were different." 

None of us said anything, letting the silence sit between us, drifting over us like fog. Justin glanced at the clock, and then tapped me on the hand. 

"Hurry, or you're going to be late," he said quietly. 

"Late?" I asked, staring at him. 

"For what?" Josh asked, also lost. 

"You guys have that final menu tasting in the ballroom," Justin said, looking surprised as well. The last couple days had driven all thoughts of the wedding out of my head. I hadn't looked at my schedule, hadn't consulted my plans. 

"Shit, I forgot about that," I said, glancing at Josh. 

"Maybe we can call Lisann," Josh suggested. "We could reschedule, or just tell her to pick whatever she thinks is best." 

"I think you should go," Justin said quietly. 

"So do I," Lance added. "You guys have been planning this for so long." 

"But it doesn't seem so important now," I said, taking Josh's hand. "It seems so, so petty, to be worrying about flowers and appetizers." 

"You guys need us, and that matters more," Josh said, squeezing my hand tightly. He knew what I was saying, and he agreed. 

"No," Justin said, shaking his head. "Go to the menu thing. Lance and I will be fine." 

"We will," Lance agreed, nodding. "Please, go to your appointment. We'll still be here when you get back." 

I glanced at Josh, and could see that he was torn as well. 

"Are you sure?" Josh asked. 

"You guys will be ok?" I asked, not wanting to abandon them. 

"Yes!" Lance snapped. 

"Go!" Justin added. 

I looked at Josh, catching his blue eyes with mine, seeing everything in them that I felt, the concern, the conflict, the need to help everyone else mixed with the desire to take care of ourselves. I meant what I had said. Everything did seem so petty and meaningless suddenly, my concerns about the keepsakes being engraved appeared childish next to the ways I could have spent that time, being there for my friends, noticing more of what was happening to them and less of what was happening to myself. Josh looked at me, looked at the two of them, and then looked at the clock, shrugging. He raised his eyebrows a little, and I nodded, neither of us actually needing words. 

"OK," I said, pulling my chair out. 

"But we'll have both of our phones on," Josh said. "Call if you need us." 

"Unless you want to come with?" I asked. 

"No thanks," Lance said, shaking his head. 

"We'll be fine," Justin insisted. 

We left the two of them at the cottage, and headed to the ballroom, where we found Lisann patiently waiting for us, even though we were five minutes late.

---

JUSTIN'S POV: 

Once Josh and Jack left, Lance and I picked at our food, not really speaking. I don't know what he was thinking about, but I was thinking about the shower. I had to wash, to keep myself clean, but I was afraid that it would hurt. It had hurt so badly last night, when the doctor was checking me out, and the nurse was cleaning me, that I had wanted to scream. The only thing that kept me from breaking down again was Josh being there, and holding my hand, telling me everything would be ok. The doctor was very kind, and gentle, but it still felt like being violated all over again, and I shuddered thinking about it. I hadn't needed any stitches, but I was supposed to keep clean until everything was healed, and put this cream on. It was supposed to fight infection, and help me heal. The place on my shoulder, where Nick bit me, hurt a lot, too, but I hadn't shown that to the doctors. I was ashamed of that more than anything else, of the fact that Nick had marked me, like I was his. 

More than the physical pain, though, the feeling of everything being sore, I felt stupid, too. When Jack had first disappeared, I had convinced myself that Josh was falling for me, because that's how I felt. Every time I looked at him, I thought he was looking at me the same way, but he hadn't been. He'd been looking at me like a close friend, but I had made the mistake of seeing more, because I wanted to. Now I'd made that mistake again. I had allowed myself to believe that Nick was my friend, that he had some sort of feelings for me, even though I knew he didn't care about anyone. I had made the mistake of thinking that, because I'd never hurt Nick, he would never hurt me, and that deep down he really did have feelings after all, because I did. 

I was wrong about Nick, but he was right about me. I was trash. All I could do was hurt other people, even when I wanted to help them. I was a whore. All I was good for was sex, and Nick had reminded me of that in the most painful way possible before he walked away, leaving me sobbing and bleeding on the floor. I had curled myself up, trying to make the pain go away, trying to forget the feeling of his fingers digging into my wrists as he held me, trying to forget how helpless I was. He packed up his bag, stepping over me as if I wasn't there, and then just walked out the door without saying a word, or even looking back. I didn't want him to. I didn't want to see his icy blue eyes, so cold, so empty. 

"It's ok," Lance said, his hand flicking across my cheek with a tissue, startling me. I hadn't noticed that my eyes were wet. 

"Why do you want me here?" I asked him, suddenly confused. 

"Because I care about you," Lance said, shrugging. "I don't want you to be alone right now." 

"But why?" I asked. "I mean, of all people, why you, Lance? Why do you still care about me at all? All I've ever done is hurt you." 

Lance sighed. 

"Justin, you did hurt me, and then, last night, you hurt me again," he said. I expected him to look away, but instead he tilted my head up gently with his fingers, making sure I was staring into his pale green eyes. "Last night, you hurt me to help me. You tried not to, but I wouldn't help myself. I know that you tried to think of another way, a better way, and when I think about it, I can tell that even when you took me to your cottage that you didn't want to do it, that you didn't want to hurt me again. And it wasn't just you who hurt me. Nick didn't force Howie. He might have tricked him, might have seduced him, but Howie was willing. I think, last night, even though you knew it would hurt me, you really thought it was for the right reasons, and you really wanted to make sure that I, well, that I was hurt the least amount possible. You took me right to the others, because you knew they'd be able to help, and then you left when you thought you weren't wanted, because you didn't want to upset me more by staying." 

"But I still hurt you," I said, shaking my head. 

"Because it was all you could do," Lance said. "Even though you knew it might destroy our friendship, you did it anyway, because it was what you thought was the best way to help me. I don't like what you did, Justin, but I understand why you did it." 

I took another bite of my bagel, chewing thoughtfully as I turned this over in my mind. 

"That doesn't answer your whole question, though," Lance said. "The other reason I offered to let you stay here is because of the other time you hurt me." 

I couldn't swallow, suddenly. 

"I know that you're sorry about that, and that you wish you hadn't done it," Lance said, patting my hand to reassure me. "I remember, though, how I felt when it was over. I remember how everything reminded me of it, and how it was all I could think about sometimes. I remember how I couldn't let anyone touch me, how I didn't even want anyone to see me, and how I felt dirty, all the time. I remember feeling used, and I remember feeling like trash, worthless, like something nobody cared about. I remember thinking that I was nothing, and that it was my fault. I remember thinking, too, that no one else knew how I felt, that I had no one to talk to because no one else would understand. Is that how you feel, Justin?" 

I nodded, my eyes wet again, unable to find my voice. 

"I don't want you to feel that way alone, Justin," Lance said, taking my hand. "I know that JC cares about you, and Jack, and the others, too, but so do I, and I want to help you if I can. I want to be here for you because I think, well, in a lot of ways I think I'm the only one of us who can. Maybe what happened to me isn't exactly what happened to you, but maybe it's close enough, and if you need me, I don't want to leave you alone if I can help." 

"Lance, I don't, I don't know what to say," I squeaked, holding his hand tightly. "I mean, I want to say thank you, but I can't believe that you, that you still want to help me, after everything I've done to you." 

"Justin, I know you still feel guilty about what you did to me," Lance said. "That's why you can't believe it. But Justin, I forgive you. I did a while ago. You just need to forgive yourself." 

Lance and I leaned awkwardly across the table, hugging each other and patting each other's shoulders, and then went back to breakfast. When we finished, Lance put some of the leftovers in his refrigerator, and we stacked the dishes up on the tray. We both glanced up at the clock, realizing that neither of us had showered yet. I didn't even have any clothes over here, except for the ones I'd worn last night, and I didn't want to see those again. Lance had given me some of his last night to change into, and I was wearing his pajamas now, but I needed my own stuff. I shivered, not wanting to go back to my cottage. 

"When do you think Jack and JC will be back?" Lance asked. 

"I don't know," I answered, shrugging. "I can't believe we had to practically push them out the door." 

"I know," Lance agreed, smiling. "After the two of them were so gung ho, and everything was like wedding-wedding-wedding, but it's like now they aren't even thinking about it at all." 

"Well, they're worried about us, and that's probably more important," I said. I glanced up at Lance, and the idea seemed to hit both of us at once. "You don't think they." 

"If they thought it was for the best," Lance said, eyes wide. "Shit!" 

"Call Chris and Joey!" I said, even though I didn't want to talk to either of them. I walked toward the bedroom, wanting to run, but that would hurt. "Can I borrow some more clothes?" 

"Yeah, yeah," Lance said, rushing for the phone. "We have to stop them." 

---

JACK'S POV: 

Josh and I didn't even argue about the food, which surprised Lisann to no end. She didn't show it, in the same way that she never showed anything, but her eyebrows were raised as I effortlessly agreed with Josh that caviar really was an acceptable appetizer, and that we might as well keep the bar open for the entire reception instead of just for a cocktail hour. Lisann was writing it all down as Josh and I sat, picking over trays that the waiters kept bringing, but I could tell that any second she would ask us about money, since neither one of us had bickered about it. 

"This is good," I said, gesturing with my fork. "What is it?" 

"I think it has lobster in it," Josh said, shrugging. "You like it?" 

"Yeah," I said, shrugging my shoulders. 

"Me too," Josh said. "This is ok, Lisann. We want this one." 

"Selection number seven is approved," Lisann said, writing it down. "We just need one more main course selection, and then dessert. You said before that you wanted five dessert choices, in addition to cake, so the kitchens have sent twenty for you to choose from." 

"Can't we just offer a selection?" I sighed, resting my forehead on Josh's shoulder. 

"They could bring a tray to everyone's table," Josh said, his arm around my shoulders, holding me. "People could just pick out what they want." 

"I suggested that three weeks ago, and you both said you didn't want anyone to be unhappy if someone else enjoyed a specific dessert they wanted, which wasn't on the tray," Lisann said, folding her hands over her clipboard. She leveled her gaze at both of us. "I can't help but notice that enthusiasm seems a little down. Is there something you two need to share with your wedding planner?" 

"Lisann, how bad would it be if we, you know, paid everyone off?" I asked. I couldn't believe the suggestion to throw money at everything was even coming out of my mouth, but Josh was nodding. 

"You don't want to get married?" she asked, swallowing. We'd finally cracked her composure. I half expected her brain to slide out onto the floor. 

"No, we still want to get married," Josh said, shaking his head. "It's just that this, all of this stuff, doesn't seem important anymore. I know that we're under contract, so could we maybe pay for everything, but just, you know, skip all of this?" 

"The tuxedos, the flowers, the camera crew and the microphones, the whole reception," I said, elaborating on what we wanted to skip. 

"What about your guests?" Lisann asked, sounding almost panicked. Her perfect grammar was vanishing, too. "You have all those people flying in. What are we going to do with them?" 

"We could still pay for their rooms, like we were planning to," Josh said, shrugging. 

"And they'd just all get a nice vacation," I added. 

"Lisann, we know you've worked really hard on this with us," Josh began. "But this, it doesn't feel the same to us, anymore." 

"What we're asking is, you know, can you help us, unplan the wedding?" I finished. "Can you make it so that we can call off the whole production, but nobody gets mad?" 

"Is this cold feet of some kind?" Lisann asked. "Because I have a speech for that, too." 

"Don't listen to either of them," Chris said loudly from the doorway. Our heads snapped around as we saw Chris, Joey, Vlada, Justin, and Lance come walking in together. They surrounded Josh and I, standing behind our chairs. 

"Don't let them cancel anything," Justin said, his hand on Josh's shoulder. 

"If they won't pay for it, we will," Lance said. 

"Ve vant ze flowers, ze balloons, and all ze rest," Vlada said, holding Chris's arm. 

"What are you guys doing?" Josh asked, looking around at them all, squeezing my hand. 

"I had the same question," Lisann added. 

"Lisann, what's going on here is that JC and Jack are feeling selfless," Joey said. "They're worried about the rest of us, and about the group, and about our friendships, and they're trying to put what they want on the back burner, because they want to take care of the rest of us." 

"You guys, you don't have to do this," I began. 

"We want to," Joey said. "You guys try so hard to make us all happy." 

"And we want you to be happy, " Lance added, nodding. 

"But, you guys," Josh began, his eyes watering. 

"Josh, we appreciate everything you guys do for us," Justin said, taking Josh's other hand. "We don't want you to think we're rejecting your help, or that it doesn't mean anything to us, because it does. It means more than you know, sometimes." 

"And this is how we want to show you," Lance said, kneeling down at my side. They had Josh and I trapped between them, and the others were all hovering. "This is the most important day of your lives, at least, so far, and we want it to be perfect. Just this once, please, be selfish." 

Josh and I looked at each other, our fingers locked, and I knew he felt what I did. I felt gratitude surge up into my chest, and looking around at the guys, I felt love, and strength, and support. I felt family. 

"We won't take no for an answer," Chris said, as Vlada shook her head next to him. 

"OK," Josh said, turning to kiss me. I leaned over, feeling his lips press against mine, and then we smiled at everyone. 

"Lisann, the wedding is back on," I said, crushing Josh against me as the others burst into applause. 

"Excellent," she smiled, picking up her clipboard again. "Let's finish selecting the main course, now, and then move on to dessert." 

"We can help with that!" Chris blurted, grabbing for a plate. 

Suddenly they were all at the table, trying things, passing the plates to each other, all shouting things to Lisann at once as she frantically tried to take notes. I looked at Josh in the middle of this chaos, watching our friends. Josh smiled at me, I smiled at him, and we knew everything, at least for now, would be ok. 

Until Joey started a food fight in the ballroom. 

---

CHAPTER 90

---

JACK'S POV: 

"Jack?" Lisann asked, knocking and leaning in the door of my dressing room. "Fifteen minutes. Everyone's starting to line up, and the guests are all seated. Their brunch earlier went really well, by the way. Are you ready? Do you need help with anything?" 

"No, no, I'm good," I said, double checking in the mirror. Lisann walked over quickly. 

"Your microphone is crooked, " she said, adjusting it. Josh and I would be saying our vows over wireless microphones, so that all of the six hundred or so guests could hear us. Once the ceremony was over, the guests would be heading to the ballroom for the reception, and we'd be out getting pictures taken, just like real, normal newlyweds. 

"Thank you," I said, taking a deep breath. 

"Nervous?" Lisann asked, smiling at me. I nodded. "Jack, I just said this to Joshua a few minutes ago when I checked on him, but I wanted to say it to you as well. I've worked with a lot of couples, and I've more or less seen it all. I know that you guys are my first gay wedding, but I just wanted to say that I've never seen a couple more in love or more perfect for each other. Congratulations to both of you, because you both deserve to be happy." 

I was right on the edge, and felt myself tearing up, but Lisann, ever prepared, immediately produced a tissue. 

"Thanks," I said, turning to the counter behind me to pick up a small box. "I know that we're paying you, but, um, Josh and I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you, and even if you're just doing your job, we wanted to get you something extra, just to say thanks." 

"Thank you, Jack," Lisann said, taking the box from me. Josh and I had picked out a pin for her, some sort of gold thing with pearls. It was expensive, but tasteful and professional enough that she could wear it with her suits. "I'm going to go check on the minister, now, ok?" 

We weren't having a specific denominational ceremony, but Lisann had located a nice minister who would be happy to do a sort of generic commitment thing. It didn't really matter to me, since I wasn't very religious, but it was important to Josh. We'd met him for the first time last night, at the rehearsal, and he had seemed very nice, although he looked vaguely like Santa Claus might, if Santa shaved off his beard. 

"Don't forget your vows," Lisann said, giving me a thumbs up as she slid out the door, closing it behind her. 

My vows were folded up on the table, along with the last of my lists, and a note that Josh had sent over from his dressing room this morning telling me that he loved me. I'd sent one back to him, telling him the same. Carla had been adamant that he and I not share a room last night or this morning, and the rest of the guys had gone along with her on it. I had spent the night in Justin's old cottage, and Josh in Lance's, since we had moved Justin and Lance to a bigger one with two beds. I had gone over my vows again last night, trying not to be nervous, making last minute changes. Josh and I had been working on them every day in the week leading up to the wedding, but hadn't shown them to each other. I had no idea what his said, but I wanted mine to be perfect. Double checking myself in the mirror one last time, I grabbed them and put them in my pocket. 

Walking out into the hallway, I felt my heart fluttering a little as I noticed that large portions of the wedding party were missing. Karen and Roy stood outside the reception room, along with Tyler, and that was it. Where was everyone else? We were on a very specific time schedule, and everyone knew what time they were supposed to be in the hallway. That's why Lisann was giving people time checks and warnings. 

"Tyler!" I barked, immediately sorry as he jumped. I liked Josh's brother a lot, but he was almost as nervous about being in the wedding as we were. "Where is everyone?" 

"I don't know," he answered, looking around. "Chris went to take Vlada to her seat, and I haven't seen anyone else." 

"You haven't seen anyone? Anyone?" I asked, my eyes darting around the hallway as if they might suddenly appear. 

"Jack, calm down, please," Karen said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You know how these guys are. They'll be here in a second, I'm sure." 

Tyler would be walking Karen and Roy to their seats as part of the ceremony. Chris would have been walking my family, except that my mom, true to her word, had not come. I tried to push it away, had tried to smother it last night during the rehearsal dinner, but hadn't been entirely successful. Karen had seen it, and had led me aside just before dinner ended. 

"Jack, I know it hurts that your family isn't here, but I wanted to tell you something," she said, holding my hand as we walked around the hallway outside the banquet room. "Joshua and I have had several talks about your trip home, and what happened there. You know that he feels pretty badly about it, and he said that you're still kind of numb, and that you haven't really thought about it or talked about it much, because of everything else." 

"Yeah," I said, shrugging. "It's been a hell of a week." 

"I know," she said, squeezing my fingers together. "Jack, what I wanted to say is that whatever goes on with your mother, it's not because of you. The way that she treats you, and the way she always has, that's her fault, and the fault of whatever is wrong inside of her. It's not yours, because you're everything a mother could want in a son, and I'm not saying that just to make you feel better. I'm proud of you, Jack. Roy and I both are. When I look at you and Joshua, and I see the things you've gone through and the struggles you both have had and the way you've dealt with them and worked through them, I can't think of anyone that I would rather have with my son. No one could love Joshua more than you, Jack." 

"Thanks, Karen," I said, giving her a quick hug. 

"Jack, I also can't think of anyone I would rather have as a son," she said, squeezing me tightly. "Tomorrow you're going to join my family, so you'd really better start calling me mom." 

"OK," I said, hugging her again. I was about three seconds away from tears, having miraculously transformed into this high strung, overwrought bride type of person. 

I was near tears now staring around the empty hallway, feeling my pulse throb in my temple. Chris stepped out of the double doors from inside and almost ducked back into them when he saw my face. 

"I was just walking Vlada to her seat!" he said defensively. 

"We have people for that!" I hissed. "Those guys, the staff, the ones walking around in the little penguin suits, they seat people! You, you just wait here, and then Joey walks, and you walk, and Lance walks, except that you weren't here, and Joey isn't here, and Lance isn't here! Tyler's here! Tyler's going to walk Karen and Roy down, and then Justin walks Josh down and Carla walks me down! I'm here, and no one else is!" 

"OK, settle yourself down," Chris said, his hands on my shoulders. I stared into his brown eyes, feeling my own bulge from my face. "Everything will be fine, Jack. Breathe deep, think about JC, and just believe that everything will be fine." 

"Where is everyone?" I demanded, trying to calm down. 

"Breathe in, breathe out," Chris said, modeling it for me. "I just saw everyone, and they're on their way, ok? We all know the plan, and we all know who goes when, and everything will be fine." 

I stepped away from him, composing myself. 

"I'm going to find everyone, " I said, running my hands over my hair. "I'll be right back." 

"Jack," Chris began, but stopped, holding up his hands. "Do you want some help?" 

"No!" I said. I remembered that I was supposed to be thinking calming thoughts. "No, thank you. I want you to stay right here. None of you move from this spot until I come back, ok? I'll go get everyone, and then everything will be fine." 

"OK, I'll stay right here, with Tyler, Karen, and Roy, ok?" Chris said soothingly. I wanted to tackle him. 

I stalked off down the hallway, heading for the other dressing rooms. I threw open the first door without knocking, figuring that they should already be dressed, and if they weren't, well, none of them had anything I hadn't seen before anyway. When I flung open the door, Joey had his back up against the wall, and Carla had hold of his lapels with both hands as she pressed her mouth to his. 

"What the fuck are you two doing?" I blurted 

"Jack!" Joey yelped, blushing. 

"I just came in here to yell at him!" Carla gushed, reddening as well. 

The two of them had been squabbling all week, not full out cat and dog fighting, but needling, sniping, sarcastic fighting. They had done the same thing when Carla had flown out to visit me when I was in the hospital, irritating each other on purpose, for no other reason than that they both seemed to get a charge out of it. They traded insults and put downs like they were being forced to supply the laugh reel for a sitcom, and the past few days had just been more of the same, except there had been pranks, too. 

Joey had managed, using a rope and a broom in some way I couldn't explain, to tie Carla's door closed, so that she couldn't get out. She had retaliated by filling his shampoo bottle with cream of chicken soup, the condensed kind, after gaining access to his bungalow. I was sure that Chris had helped, but neither of them was talking. Joey replaced her morning coffee with chocolate syrup, and Carla had eight pizzas sent to his room. When Joey fell asleep on the beach, Carla wrote on his chest with sunblock, stealing the high numbered kind that I was using at the beginning of the trip, so that when Joey woke up his chest read, "Nsync Sux!" 

"I've seen it in movies, but I didn't really think it would work," Carla confessed to me as, red faced, she tried to clear the tears from her eyes. 

Joey had silently bided his time until the rehearsal last night. We had run through the ceremony about six times, going over order, cues, and music, and it was almost time for us to leave for dinner. Carla was carrying a bouquet of plastic flowers, and I had seen Joey over near it between the last run through and the one we were on, but thought nothing of it, until Carla tried to put her bouquet down. Hearing her swear, Josh and I turned, and saw Carla shaking her hand, the look of consternation on her face rapidly changing to annoyance. 

"Carla?" I asked. 

"What the hell?" she snapped, shaking her hand in a flinging motion. The flowers didn't move. "What the hell is?" 

Her question petered out as Joey began snickering and turning red. Carla's eyes widened, and she flew across the room and began beating him over the head with the bouquet as he tried to shield himself with his arms, laughing hysterically. Chris, Justin, Lance, and even Josh began to snicker as they got the joke. 

"What the hell did you put on these?" Carla demanded. Smack went the flowers. 

"Ahhhh!" Joey yelped, ducking away. Smack! Smack! "Those hurt!" 

"I'll hurt you!" Carla yelled, swinging them harder. Even Lisann was smiling. 

"That's it!" I blurted. Everyone stopped dead. "That's it. I haven't said a word the whole time you two have been teasing each other, and I'm not going to now. All I have to say is that those flowers better come off, and they better be gone by tomorrow." 

Joey swallowed, looking a little pale, and Carla smacked him on the side of the head with the plastic bouquet again. Joey took her shoulder. 

"Come on, let's go find some turpentine before dinner, so we don't get killed," he said, leading her away. 

The two of them had wandered off, and had avoided each other for the rest of the night, but now here they were, fifteen minutes before the wedding, apparently in deep liplock. 

"I don't care what you two were doing, actually," I said, watching Joey smooth out his jacket and Carla pat her hair. "Put yourselves back together, and get out into the hallway." 

"Sorry, Jack," Joey said, still blushing furiously. 

"Yeah, sorry," Carla added, her blush sweeping down to her shoulders and collarbones. 

"And both of you better lose that blush before anyone takes any pictures," I added, stalking away. 

---

JOEY & CARLA: 

Carla turned and double checked her lipstick in the mirror, making sure nothing was smeared or out of place. 

"I think we're in trouble," Joey said, shrugging. 

"It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't kissed me," Carla said, reapplying to her bottom lip. Joey's jaw dropped open. 

"Wait a minute," Joey began, holding up his hands. He was pretty sure that she'd started it, although they were arguing before they were just suddenly kissing. 

"We don't have a minute," Carla said, shaking her head. "Now, I understand that weddings do funny things to people's hormones, especially single people, but nobody needs to know about this, right?" 

"Yeah, right," Joey said, nodding. Carla wasn't a bad kisser. 

"And if, you know, you and I should happen to hook up after the reception and maybe have sex, nobody has to know about that, either," Carla said matter of factly. 

"Right," Joey agreed, nodding. 

"Now come on, Fatass," Carla said, opening the door. "We're due in the hallway." 

"After you, Sugarnips," Joey said chivalrously. 

"Eat me," Carla snapped. 

"Maybe later," Joey said, following her into the hallway. 

---

JACK'S POV: 

OK, I really didn't need to know what Joey and Carla were doing, or if they were doing anything. It could have been totally not what it looked like, even though the way they had been pranking each other for days was vaguely reminiscent of little kids on the playground chasing each other and pulling each other's hair. Any second now Carla was going to kick Joey in the shin, and then he'd hit her with a mudball, and true love would be born. As beautiful as it was, though, I really needed them to be in the hallway, and not just them. 

I opened the next door, again without knocking, and stopped dead again. Justin and Lance were standing in the middle of the room, both of their eyes closed. Lance's hands were on Justin's shoulders, and Justin's hands were on the sides of Lance's face. Their lips were pressed gently together, not urgently, and both pairs of eyes popped open as they heard the door. The look of surprise on both of their faces was almost comically similar as they stepped apart, Lance's hand rising up to touch his mouth carefully. 

"Jack!" Justin said. "We were, um." 

"Yeah, we just, uh," Lance continued. 

I realized that they were as surprised by what they had been doing as I was. 

"Look, um, whatever you guys are doing, please finish up," I said, stepping back. The two of them were so fragile right now that I was afraid to say anything. "Please, and, you know, head out to the hallway, ok? Thanks." 

I ducked out of the room, pulling the door closed behind me, shaking my head. Justin and Lance? After everything they'd been through with each other? Maybe we should have seen that one coming. 

---

JUSTIN'S POV: 

"What was that?" Lance asked quietly, staring at me. His hand was up by his mouth, touching his lip gently, but not like he was rubbing my kiss away. 

"I, I don't know," I said, my own hand drifting up to touch my mouth, as if our lips had minds of their own. 

Lance and I had spent every minute together, more or less, since I had come back from the emergency room. Every time I turned around he was there, and he just seemed to want to help me. We had both gratefully taken the new bungalow Jack and Josh had offered to move us to, since neither one of us had painful memories in it, and every night when we laid down on the twin beds, staring across at each other in the dark, we talked for hours about how we felt inside, questioning why this had happened to us and offering each other support. We both knew that we needed to find a counselor, to schedule some real help, but right now we were helping each other. 

If our talking got emotional, which it did every night, one of us would cross the room, sitting on the other's bed until it was ok, and then going back to our own. When I was angry, Lance held my hand, and when he was angry, I hugged him tightly. When I felt like I was worthless, Lance reminded me that there were people that cared about me, rubbing my back gently. When Lance felt like he deserved what happened to him, I brushed his hair back from his head and reminded him that no one deserved to have anything bad happen to them, especially not someone who was good and kind like he was. When Lance couldn't fall asleep because he was missing Howie, I sang to him until his eyes drifted closed, and when I woke up screaming, thinking about Nick and what he had done, Lance climbed into my bed and held me against his chest, rocking me until I got tired, before he went back to his own bed. I couldn't fall asleep if someone was in my bed. 

We weren't ok, weren't even close to healed or whole, but we told each other that someday we would be, and we both believed it. 

Before Jack walked in we had been double checking to make sure we were ok, inspecting each other to make sure everything was perfect, flowers were pinned on, and everything was in place. We wanted this to be special for Josh and Jack, and wanted to do whatever we could to make sure it was. We owed them, both of them, so much that we didn't want anything to mar the day. 

"Your tie is a little crooked," I said, standing in front of Lance. I stepped in close to straighten it. 

"Thanks," Lance said, patting my shoulders. He stopped suddenly, his hands just sitting there. I looked up and saw his green eyes staring into my blue ones. 

"Lance?" I asked quietly, aware of how close we were, of how his nose was almost touching mine. I'd never noticed before how green his eyes were, how much like shiny circles of jade, except warmer, more alive. 

"Yeah?" he asked, his voice a whisper. 

My hands drifted up from Lance's bow tie to the sides of his face, so warm, soft, and smooth. Neither one of us seemed to be breathing, and the room was completely silent as I leaned forward, and he leaned forward, and our eyes slid closed, and then I felt Lance's lips on mine. They were soft, a little pursed, as they pressed against my own, and I pressed back a little firmly. 

And then Jack opened the door, and here we were. 

"You don't know?" Lance asked. "Because it seemed kind of like we, you know, kissed." 

"Yeah," I said. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking." 

"Me either," Lance said, blinking. He swallowed. "Justin, how do I make you feel?" 

"Safe," I answered. "Safe, and not alone. How do, um, how do you feel about me?" 

"You make me feel special, like someone needs me and cares about me," Lance said. "And I care about you." 

"I care about you, too," I said. I needed to say the next part, though, before we screwed up our new friendship. "Lance, neither one of us said love." 

"I know," he said, swallowing. "Justin, I'm scared." 

"Me too," I agreed, knowing exactly what he meant. "I don't want to be your rebound guy from Howie, Lance." 

"And I don't want to be yours from JC," Lance said, cutting Nick out completely. "Maybe we, you know, maybe we shouldn't do that again." 

"Not until we know how we feel," I agreed, nodding. "Still friends?" 

"Of course," Lance said, wrapping me up in a hug. "Come on. We're supposed to be in the hall." 

Lance and I weren't ok right now, but someday we would be. And maybe, maybe, someday we might be more than ok. For now, though, we were friends, and I was ok with that. 

---

JACK'S POV: 

Having learned my lesson at the last two doors, I knocked softly on the door of Josh's dressing room before stepping inside. This was probably the room where I should have been least worried about walking in on something, though. Josh would never hurt me that way, and if I did open the door and find him kissing someone, I'd have to kill him and then myself, in the manner of some sort of frightening Shakespearean tragedy. I looked around, but the dressing room was empty. 

"Josh?" I asked, wondering where he was. 

I really needed to see him before the wedding, needed to just have one last quiet moment with him before the next few hours, even though we would have the rest of our lives for that. I needed to see him, and hold him, and look into his eyes before I faced that room of hundreds of strangers, and I hoped he needed to see me, too, but, like I said, the room was empty. In typical Josh fashion, everything was neat as a pin, the tux hangers waiting on the bar, Josh's clothes neatly folded on a chair, the lights on the vanity shut off. It was like he had just walked out, but that was impossible, because I would have seen him in the hallway. 

Where was he? Had he gotten cold feet? Was he off rethinking this entire thing somewhere? Had he decided he could do better after all, or that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with someone with so many problems? Had something happened to him? Maybe he'd been kidnapped! Or maybe he'd left with someone. Would I be left standing at the altar alone in front of everyone in my pretty tuxedo, the flowers wilting as I was jilted like an unwanted bride in a Tennessee Williams play or a later season of "Melrose Place"? I could smell his cologne in the air, so where the hell was he? 

Right when I was about to start hyperventilating I heard the toilet flush, followed by running water, and then Josh opened the bathroom door, wiping his hands on a towel. His eyes lit up when he saw me, and I threw myself across the room into his arms. 

"Jack?" he asked, startled. "Jack, what's wrong?" 

"Nothing," I said, holding him. "Nothing. I was just being stupid. You weren't in the hall, so I came to look for you, and I was all nervous, and, and." 

"Hey," Josh said, stroking my hair. "Hey, this isn't you. Calm down, babe, please." 

"I'm sorry, Josh," I sighed. "I'm just nervous, and things got twisted in my head." 

"It's ok, Jack," Josh said, taking my hand and tugging me toward the door. I stopped, and he looked up at me. "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing," I said, smiling. "I just wanted one last little moment with you before we go out there. I love you, Josh. You're the best thing that ever happened to me." 

Josh smiled, and tears flooded his eyes. We were both ready to blow. 

"Ditto," he said finally, grinning at me, flashing those perfect white teeth. "Come on. Let's go get married." 

We joined everyone else in the hallway, looking around at our friends and family, knowing that we were about to walk through that door and have the wedding of our dreams. Lisann gave us a last double check, and I smiled when I saw our pin on the breast of her suit. She cued the music, and everything went according to plan, the march in, the exchanging of rings, everything, until we got to the vows. I stared at Josh, smiling, barely noticing Justin, Tyler, and Chris behind him, as he gave me his from memory, making me feel foolish for having to write mine down. I would have had more time to memorize them if I hadn't kept correcting them. 

"All my life, in my head, and in my heart, I've heard a song. It wasn't a complete song, not one that I ever heard clearly. Mostly, it was just a melody, and all my life I tried to find it. I looked and looked for it, looked everywhere, actually, catching a snatch of that song here and there, but never the whole thing. I knew that when I could find that song, when I could hear the whole thing, when I had the melody and the harmony, that I would be complete, and that it would be the rest of everything that was missing inside of me. I had some dark times. I had some days when I thought that I would never find it, that I would never hear it, or feel it inside." 

Josh's voice was strong over his microphone, and the huge room was completely silent. Even though I was smiling I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. 

"I looked and I looked, but I didn't get any closer. And then, one night, we were driving through the desert, and we stopped to help someone with car trouble. It was dark, and we couldn't see really well, but we wanted to help. The man in trouble walked over to the bus, and I saw his face, and looked into his eyes. And you know that song I was searching for? Right then I heard the first note. Jack, I love you. I love you for who you are, and what you are to me. You are the harmony to my melody. You're the other half of the song I've always wanted to sing, the song that we were both born to sing together. I promise that I will always love you, with everything I have and everything I am. Jack, will you marry me?" 

"Yes!" I blurted, hearing people titter amusingly at my enthusiasm. I wanted to just grab Josh and kiss him over and over. No one had ever said anything like that to me. I stood, staring into Josh's blue eyes, feeling his love and my love for him, until Carla nudged me. Blinking, I saw the minister looking at me expectantly, like all six hundred people in the room. "Sorry." 

Everyone giggled, and I fished my vows out of my pocket and unfolded them. 

But they weren't my vows. 

It was the list of clothes I wanted to bring on the honeymoon. It had been sitting on the table, right next to my vows, and I had grabbed it by mistake. I glanced up at Josh, seeing his eyes widen as he read something in my face. I glanced down at the sheet as if the words might magically become the beautiful vows I'd worked so hard on. My mind was completely blank! I had to say something, but I couldn't remember a single damn word. Carla nudged me again. 

"Jack," she hissed. Across from me Josh, Justin, Tyler, and Chris waited expectantly, staring at me. 

"Josh, there were, um, birds, all around, but I never heard them singing," I blurted, the first words that popped into my head spilling out of my mouth. Josh's eyebrows went up, and I could hear people tittering again. "No, I never heard them at all, until there was you. Your love, Josh, your love is like a river, peaceful and deep. Your soul is like a secret that I never could keep. Josh, if you feel like loving me, if you've got the notion, well, I second that emotion." 

"Jack?" Josh asked finally as Joey burst out laughing behind us, unable to hold it in. 

"Josh, I forgot my vows!" I blurted, holding up the paper. "This is a list of clothes I wanted to bring on the honeymoon and the only thing that's popping into my head is a bunch of stupid love songs because I can't remember a damn word of my vows!" 

I looked up as they all started snickering, even Josh, turning red as they tried to hold it in. Our audience had the giggles, too. Lisann, off to the side, was holding her face in her hands. 

"And it's not Lisann's fault!" I continued, wanting to make sure no one held this against her. "She reminded me like five times this morning to bring them, and I just grabbed the wrong sheet by mistake. Josh, what I'm trying to say is that I love you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you, and I never will. I had a lot of better words, but that's what it comes down to, and if you'll have me, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than in your arms for the rest of my life." 

"Yes," Josh said, grabbing my face. I tilted my head back, staring up into his blue eyes, and then Josh's mouth was over mine, his lips searching out my own, and I swooned against him as his tongue slid inside and the audience burst into applause. 

"Joshua Scott Chasez and Jackson Parker Springer," the minister began, barely audible over the clapping. The audience began to stand, their applause thunderous. "In the eyes of your friends, your family, and God, I now pronounce you married. You may continue kissing the groom." 

A loud cheer went up, starting with the guys and Carla at the altar, and rolling through the room. Lisann gave a hand motion, and the music for the recessional started as Josh finally released me. I stared up into his blue eyes, not wanting to be anywhere else in the world but right here. 

"That's it," he whispered. Our microphones had been switched off. "We're married." 

"But you never got to hear my vows," I protested, not letting go of his shoulders. 

"Save them for our anniversary," Josh said, grinning. 

"Next year?" I asked, and Josh shook his head. 

"No. Our fiftieth." 

We were supposed to be marching out, but everyone else could wait. I grabbed Josh, pulling his head down, and kissed him again. 

 

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